Hi, this is my first post ever, anywhere, so please be gentle.
We just brought home our new son on December 20. I loved him more than anything the moment I laid eyes on him and I am so happy that he has joined our family.
The weird thing is that I feel funny telling people I'm his mom. Somehow, I feel like a big faker.
Am I the only person to feel this way? Does this go away? Is there something wrong with me, or do I just eventually realize that since I am one of the people caring for him 24/7, feeding him at 3 am, attending to his every need, and smiling at his every triumph, that I am mom?
Our son came home at 10 days old. Many strangers (at the doctor's office etc) commented on how cute he was etc. and I always felt compelled to tell them we had just adopted! I went through a few tough weeks of feeling weepy, wondering if I would be a good mom, would I love him enough, did I "deserve" him? A year later I have to tell you it is like night and day. I never hide our adoption but I do not feel compelled to tell others that we adopted fact, when folks say, "your son is so cute" I don't translate in my head "you mean my adopted son" like I used to.
As a mom through adoption, your bond comes from mothering your child. You've hardly had a chance to do it yet, so it is natural to have some unsettled feelings. IN the weeks to come, as you wake up in the night, feed your baby, change diapers, cry and worry, just remember that these motherly acts are what is bonding you to your baby. I agree with the idea of wearing a sling when you can. Over the next year you will experience a range of feelings from exhaustion and frustration to joy and overwhelming love, and in the process, you will have truly become a real mom.
I am assuming you adopted, and to tell you the truth I think mothers that birth their children often feel that way. Part of what you are feeling is the adoption side and part of what you are feeling is the new mommy side. With our third child (and only adopted child) I felt the way you are. I felt like the babysitter but ironicly I went from that to feeling more "normal" to months later having to remind myself that I don't remember if I had morning sickness with her because I didn't carry her. I literally would forget that , and you probably will to. And something else you will learn is that when he gets old enough to prefer you, you will feel like the only mother in the universe. Congrats on your son.
I am not an adoptive mom however i have raised a child that was not mine by birth but i am still his mom and even when i had my own children i felt weird when i was called mom it is a totally natural feeling to feel weird the first couple of times and since you are the one raising him and you adopted him then yes you are mom congratulations on the new addition to your family:paci: :wings:
Yes, I agree with the other posters. It is normal and soon it will change. Even though you think you are prepared, one moment you are a childless person hopeful to become a parent, then that little baby is placed in your arms and in an instant you are a Mom. You have to cut yourself some slack and give it time to sink in. Just wait until it is night 40something, you've lost count by then, of 3am feedings and DH wants to help but you are the only person that can make your baby satisfied and comfortable. Ahhh being a Mom is grand!
I just have a quick little storey to add:
About 3 or 4 weeks after ds was born, I had this terrified feeling that if he were lost and then placed in a line with several other babies for me to identify, I was afraid I would not recognize him. I felt like a faliure and thought it was an adoption related feeling, that I would not feel that way had I given birth to him. Well I shared my feelings at the time with my neighbour who's bio dd is 2 weeks older than my ds. She just looked at me and said 'wow', She felt exactly the way. She felt like the failure.
It's crazy the pressure we put on ourselves.
Congrats and enjoy your baby! Soon enough he will be calling you Mama!
Welcome, you're gonna love it here!
Everything you are describing is normal and will pass with time. Our adopted daughter is 3 1/2 and everyday I sit back and watch her as she plays thinking " surely she isn't MINE!" I think part of that feeling is that we never expected to be blessed with her so it's so unbelievable. Just enjoy your beautiful son!
I think it's very natural. I still get a strange feeling when calling the doctor's office and saying that I'm calling about my son.
When we first adopted and people would comment on how cute he was I felt a little guilty saying thank you because I didn't feel like I had anything to do with him being so cute!
I've definitely gotten over the guilt from the compliments and don't announce to everyone any more that we adopted. It takes time to get used to saying and hearing the words. I never felt like I wasn't his momma, it just sounded funny to say it out loud.
That even parents who have biological children have these emotions. I recall once my sister held my niece right up in the air and just about yelled...CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS MINE???? and then my niece cried cause she was scared.
It's very common.
I agree too... what you are saying sounds completely normal and I think many new adoptive moms go thru the same feelings. I know I did. We brought our daughter home from the hospital at 3 days old and I know I felt that way many times, I still do sometimes - and she is 4.
As a mom who has one child who is my bio dd and a ds and dd who were adopted at birth, your feelings are similar to mine each time, so you sound so normal to me! Whether you give birth or adopt, the first few weeks or months are usually surreal, even when you KNEW you were pregnant or it SEEMED fairly sure that you'd adopt your child. I can remember when my youngest was 3 mos. old and I was feeding her one morning and began to cry, almost couldn't stop. I had been feeling so much love already for her, felt "so close" but at THAT moment it hit me that I wasn't just "in love" with her (or the idea of her), I deeply loved her and couldn't imagine my life without her. It just takes time for your life to catch up with your heart AND your psyche. You'll catch up -- the journey is so amazing. susan
I can remember when we were staying in the hotel w/ our son right after he was born, I would walk by a window or stand in front of the elevator while holding him and not recognize my own reflection! It was very surreal to say the least! I felt like I was dreaming.. He just turned a year & I still just stare at him almost in disbelief that this beautiful, sweet as pie little angel is my baby. I simply cannot get enough of him!!
I definately know how you are feeling. Even today (home for 16 months) I sometimes find it strange to say that I have a daughter. I feel like her mom, I act like her mom, but the thought of it is still strange to me. I also remember a friend telling me of the night hre son was born (biological). The nurse brought her son to her room in the hospital and left. All she could think was, "Are you really going to leave a child with me to care for." So I think it is natural to feel this way, adopted or biological.
I felt very distant from E, like a babysitter, mourning for his bmom who I referred to as his mother for the first few months...not feeling like I deserved him. Waiting for other shoe to drop, just generally disassociated from the entire experience.
I spent a lot of time waiting for this great a ha moment but it didn't come. I just felt I was taking really great care of a friend's child.
So I just kept doing it. And while I was doing it, drop of love by drop of love he just transformed into as much my child as one could dream is possible. And now the dam has broken and every day is filled with more love between us. (5 months is a magical age!).
My advice....just fake it till you make it because one day it will all fall into place in the most beautiful magical way. It just happens differently for everyone.
PS I also felt weird calling the docs office and saying "it's E's mom" and also
Yesterday a stranger said "so how old is that baby that you got so skinny so fast" and I just smiled and said "five months!"
I completely agree with the other posters. Oldest ds is bio and spent some time in the hospital before coming home and when he did come home, I couldn't believe they were sending us home without a nurse!!! LOL!!! Even now, dh and I still occasionally have a hard time believing we have children. It is all second nature now, though, and we often wonder what we actually did with our time before children!
I was at the store with both of my sons not that long ago (youngest ds is aa) and when we were checking out, the clerk was talking to the baby and then abruptly turned to me and asked if both of my children had the same father. I looked at her and before I could even process why she would ask such a question, said "OF COURSE they have the same father!!!" LOL- It wasn't until I was halfway to the car that I even realized WHY she had felt the need to ask such an obnoxious question and I laughed out loud! (I still laugh out loud about this one!)
Anyway, CONGRATS! The first few months are a complete blur for all parents, no matter how the baby entered their family. So my advice is take TONS of pics and when you look back on them years from now, you can appreciate your journey even more.
Take care!
When the social worker brought my newborn son to my house I was in love at first sight. I had met him in the hospital just a day before and could not wait for this moment. She had me fill out paperwork and then got up and said goodbye. When she walked out the door I remember thinking...she is just leaving this baby here. This IS real. I can't believe she just left me with this kid! This little newborn thing that just wiggled in my arms.
I almost got scared for a second. Then it hit me that I was his mommy. Boy was that a special day.
I too felt like faker in the doctors office that next day whe I woman commented on how great I looked after just having given birth. All I could say was thank you and then felt insanely paranoid that she would find out I was a big liar! LOL! When my son's bio sis came a year later it was no biggie. Been there done that. I was cool with it.
Have fun, take your time and things will make sense very soon. Congrats on the new baby!