Advertisements
Hi, all, My son is transitioning to a new situation after being home post-adoption placement for just over two months (came home at 9.5 months old). He was in a foster home in a Spanish-speaking country; he slept in a pack-n-play type crib next to another infant. We practice cosleeping.
He is a restless sleeper (awakening every hour or two). He was a peaceful sleeper when we met him for a week at 4.5 months old, even when we coslept at the hotel. I'm trying to decipher why he wakes so much compared to other children brought home from adoption around his age.
After being home about two weeks, he awoke with night terrors that turned into him fighting me angrily (hitting my face, pulling my hair with his little fists -- this wasn't your average "I don't want to sleep" expression. I felt that he screamed harder at me when we would make eye contact. It confused me A LOT. I assumed that he realized his transition away from his foster family.) This occured every other night for about two weeks. After that period, he would wake up a few times, without tears and with a simple glance that I'm still there. I thought we were out of the woods. During the past two weeks, he cries everytime he awakes, even when he is still in a sleep fog or simply moving an arm or leg. He craves physical touch more than before, holding my neck or curling under my chin while sleeping next to me.
Is this a common phase during attachment post-placement? Should I simply continue the current cosleeping arrangement and snuggling? Is there something else that you think I should try?
I worry that helping the transition will require that I lay with him the whole time each time he sleeps. When I'm there the whole time, his sleep is deeper, he awakes fewer times, and he is more easily comforted. If I come into the room quickly after he alerts me that he's awake, he doesn't seem to relax easily and sometimes doesn't relax at all (sometimes slips into play mode when I can tell he is still sleepy). I simply don't know how to balance the need for attachment and what others tell me may be spoiling.
In case this information helps to understand our situation: our son makes (and always made) eye contact. He began showing a preference for me over others within a few weeks of placement, and this is stronger within the past two weeks. He is very strong-willed and temperamental at times, although he does not try to hold his bottle.
Like
Share
He's greiving and is expressing his grief as a baby would.At that age he may not have developed ojbect permenance yet. Especially with all the transitions he's been through. So when he wakes and you aren't there, he thinks you are really gone.If it were me, and I felt comfortable in the progress he was making attaching, I would just continue co-sleeping until he less anxious about your presence. I know it's a pain to sleep with a kicking 1yo (been there, done that) but if it helps him sleep and grow closer to you, then the good out weighs the bad, IMO.Blessings,Jenny
Advertisements
In my opinion, you really can't spoil a child trying to bond with you and you him. The way I look at this is just as most of us would look at a just born infant. I don't know many people who wouldn't attend to their baby's every need and more. kwim?
Right now your baby's main need is to be loved and cared for so that he knows without a doubt he can depend on you. As Jenny said above, the transitions he is going through aren't yet permanent and he's still getting there...to the point where he isn't scared or grieving.
It can be really draining and frustrating, but try to remember too that usually nothing is forever and it's a step in the life long relationship you are forming with him. While my children were older than your son when I became their mom, there were a lot of things I did with them that others might have said "well, by age 3, they really should be doing xx on their own and you should step back." Well, in my mind...I was 2 months into motherhood and just like I'd be 2 months into motherhood with an infant, I needed to be the one to meet all their needs as possible.
Do you have a baby sling you can "wear" him in for periods through out the day? To me, any and all holding and snuggling you and your dh can do with him is a great thing and would do it as much as you can.
If a year from now he's still sleeping with you because of a "habit" and not anything to do with attachment, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it. But right now...you are doing the best thing for him and that is what is important.
Thank you all for your posts. I wonder if this crying and anxiety was just a step in the process. He is resting so peacefully the last two nights (three if you include tonight!). I think that he was trying to ensure that I would be there for him if he needed it before he really let himself fall asleep.
Onward we go!