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We adopted our 15 year old son when he was 11. He was our foster son since he was 7. It has been very difficult for us and for him. He has always expressed that we are not his family and never will be. Even though he has said that, we have still tried to be his family. Well now is 15, no longer living with us because the crimes he has commented. He has always wanted to see and talk to his bio family, but bfamily has never had a good back ground for being a positive influnce for him. Both parents have had there times in jail, mom let things happen to our son no mother should have. But the thing, they are still his bfamily regardless how I feel about it. Its going to be his choice even if I don't like the thought of a more negitive influnce on him. Its the same with me, there are things that my family does that I don't like and don't do, but its my choice to be around them or not. I believe that he is old enough now that we can no longer make his choices for him. I don't know what holds for him in the future, but I only want him to be happy and lead a successful life. He won't be able to do any of that until he knows more about his bio family. So I want to find them, but I'm scared, I'm scared they haven't changed and that will still pose a negitive influnce on his life. So I guess I am just asking if anyone else has had a situation like this before? What has been the outcome? This is what he wants and I'm willing to try it, but so scared. On the other hand, he was still going towards that direction his bparents were in anyways, so I don't want to hender things any more. I love him more then he will ever know, and understand. This is his life though, not mine. Thanks, Melissa
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hi,I would not search for his bfamily until he is 18.he is still a child.and as his parents you are still legally responsible for him until he is 18.you say he no longer lives with you because of his crimes.is he incarcerated?will he be able to come home again?i think getting him the help he needs now is important.help him to be in a good place in his life ,when and if he reunites with bfamily.i assume he was in foster care for good reasons,have you shared the truth with him?he needs your love and support as he finishes growing up.15 is not grown up.dont give up on him.
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Yes he is incarsirated. He knows the truth about his bfamily, has always. I don't know if he will be able to come home again, some of this is his choice. I would love for him to come home, but more then anything he just wants to know more about his bfamily. He is having contact with his bbrother, which is also currently in jail to. He is recieving couseling right now, he don't like to talk about alot of things so it isn't going to well. He has had lots of couseling, but unless he wants it, it isn't going to work. We have started working on a better relationship for us, but these issues always come up, and I don't think we are going to get any where until he gets answers about his biofamily. I don't know if they have changed, but they could have. I know i'm responcible, believe me we have been paying for everything, he has 3 felonies. Life has been tough with him, but as a mother I hate seeing my son hurt, I just don't know how not to get past these issues any more. Thanks Melissa
I do not agree that he is old enough to make his own decisions about his birth family yet. He may be 15 (and that is still very young, anyway) but emotionally he is likely much younger. YOU are his mother and you have the absolute right to decide who he sees and speaks to and under what conditions, and if you feel that contact with these people would be harmful for your son, you have to go with that. I also don't think that having contact would help anything - it would be more likely to damage they attachment with you. I've learned my lesson the hard way - my son continued to have contact with a birth parent, and I finally realized this was very damaging for him and for our relationship.
fmjones10
Yes he is incarsirated. He knows the truth about his bfamily, has always. I don't know if he will be able to come home again, some of this is his choice. I would love for him to come home, but more then anything he just wants to know more about his bfamily. He is having contact with his bbrother, which is also currently in jail to. He is recieving couseling right now, he don't like to talk about alot of things so it isn't going to well. He has had lots of couseling, but unless he wants it, it isn't going to work. We have started working on a better relationship for us, but these issues always come up, and I don't think we are going to get any where until he gets answers about his biofamily. I don't know if they have changed, but they could have. I know i'm responcible, believe me we have been paying for everything, he has 3 felonies. Life has been tough with him, but as a mother I hate seeing my son hurt, I just don't know how not to get past these issues any more. Thanks Melissa
I agree. As bad as the situation is, the biofamily could probably make it even worse. You could find out some information about the bios for yourself though, quietly, if it would help you to know what they are up to.
It's so sad that so much damage can be done to such a young child... that it can change who they were meant to be. And that even the most loving and devoted parent can't always mend what's been done. But you never know. Fifteen is young.
Amy
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So if I decided to continue to wait for contact for birth family what would I tell him mean while, to try to help our relationship. I don't want him to blame or hate me any more. I understand where he is coming from, but at the same time, I don't want to make things worse then what they already are. I am going to talk with his couseler today, we were supose to have a staffing and I was going to appear face to face, but I think he needs some time right now. I will ask the couseler for sure before I assume this is what he wants. Thanks for all your replies. Melissa
I think I may have a new perspective for you. My brother, whom I don't have contact with, had a son adopted through foster care. One of the last contacts I had with my brother was 16 years ago when I told him to sign away his rights because at 16 and with his substance issues, he could never be the parent his son needed. There were other circumstances surrounding the adoption decision but in the end he did sign off. I would love to have a chance to meet my nephew. As bad as my brother is/was I am not like him. I found a support system through a friend's church that helped me cope with my parents developmental and mental health issues. I don't drink or use drugs. I have been very happily married for 12 years. I own my own home and volunteer extensivly in my community. I am a foster parent myself because I know that it does take a village sometimes. My point is that there may be a bio family member that is ok, I know there are more "kids" like me as I can think of at least 5 friends off the top of my head with similar histories. The hard part will be finding them because they probably developed enough healthy life skills and coping mechanisms that they no longer see the other family members or if they do, the relationship may be very strained and bios aren't about to tell you of a relative they don't like so much. I agree with Stevestwin that it might be best to wait until he's 18, he may say he's ready but is he really? That would also give you time to research and try to find the best bio contact. JMHOBecki
well as of today there will no longer be any contact with my sons biofamily. He learned though a letter from his biobrother that she still hasn't changed. There was other gang related stuff in the letter so the factily has decided it would be in the best interest not to continue contact in any matter with his bio family. Although, it relieves my descision a little bit, I still can't get over the hurt my son is feeling right now. He has many issues he needs to address besides contact with his biofamily and they feel that comes first. It still won't take the blame off me though, I think this will still continue to be an issue in our relationship. So I don't know what to do to ease it, or make it better.:hissy: I don't know if he will continue to want contact with us or not, that is his choice. I won't give on him no matter what.:p Thanks for repliesMelissa
Sorry that you are going through so much Melissa. While you have some time on your hands though (as he's working on other stuff), I think you really can find out a lot of stuff about his bios and their extended family. If you want to and feel like it might help in the future, that is.
Our adoption did not involve CPS and we had to do all of our own research and investigation in order to proceed to TPR. Although the biomother was a relative we had to do research about her and almost everyone that she was associated with then and even further in the past. I spent a year doing research and was shocked at how much I found out. It took a little while to learn how, but I was able to do it.
My point is, if you would like to find out and start keeping tabs on them, it can be done quietly... if you're willing to do the work and spend a little money.
Regardless, you sound like a wonderful and incredibly patient mom and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Amy
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Thanks Amy for your encourageing words and everyone else that also replied. I havent' made a descision as to what i'm going to do. Our son was supose to call tonight and never did, I dont know what happened, he may not want to talk right now. The thing is, is it wasn't coming from us on what contact he has and who, it was the factily social worker and couseler telling him, but that just goes to show that he resents us for something that isn't even in our control and I told them that would happen like that. We have not easy with him, we are hoping one day he will turn around and except us in his life, even if its nothing more then just a friendly relationship. Even though its hard to think that way, I will take what I can get.:) Thanks,Melissa