Is it always like this

This does sound very much like a grieving 2 year old. He does not have the words to tell you how he feels. He's just had his entire world flipped upside down and is likely scared and confused. It's going to take time. He just lost the family he's had for 2 years? He has lots of grieving to do and it's good that he's doing it as it means he CAN bond. However, you need to help him see that YOU are strong enough to handle his sadness and pain. Have you read up or had any classes or anything that address facilitating attachment? Many of the behaviors you describe can be helped using those types of techniques. Will he let you hold him when he's grumpy, mad, sad or awake in the middle of the night? Will he LET you comfort him? Does he have any type of transitional items from the other house? A blanket or toy? Something with his former parents scent on it? Her perfume? Anything to help him feel safe? It's only been a few days. That's not much for losing one's whole world.

You might want to read the articles on [url=http://www.a4everfamily.org]A4everFamily.org - HOME[/url] There is a lot there about babies and toddlers and attachment. What you are describing sounds pretty normal. He is upset and hurt and angry because everything has changed and he doesn't have the words to express those feelings. Do some reading on attachment and look into holding time. He needs you to help him attach because he doesn't' know how. It is hard when they react like this and I'm sorry you're going through this! I know you are probably worried that you made a mistake or wonder what you are doing wrong that is making him act like this. It isn't you - it's just everything he's been through and his inability to understand it all. If you take the time to work on attachment, it will get better! The little boy you fell in love with is still there, I promise! Feel free to PM if you want to talk. :)

Well all I can say is today is a new day. He slept well last night for the first time all night. And then woke up in a good mood. By this time yesterday we had 2 meltdowns already, one getting dressed and one eating breakfast but this morning a bit of whining but a whole lot more of smiling and happiness. I think his mood changed when dh came home and spent time with him, they never got to see much of each other the last few days. I am kind of jealous of how much M follows DH around when he gets home and how happy he is to see him. But I guess I am always here I have never left him except to make an extra trip out to the car to bring in groceries. But time will tell I guess but things are looking up.

My youngest had just turned 2 when the kids moved in permanently. He had the immediate grieving and was just a very sad little boy for awhile. It wasn't every day where we had struggles, but did consistently struggle a bit for the first 4-5 months. Some things I did with him that I feel really worked well for our bonding and his grieving... 1 - put him back on the bottle for night time. I would make his bottle and take him up to my bed and lay with him while I gave him his bottle. I sometimes sang or talked to him, but mostly it was just cuddling. When he finished his bottle I would put him into his own bed and sit with him for a few minutes. 2 - lots of cuddle time during the day, and a lot of hands on activities with him. Games like "Wheels on the Bus" etc., where lots of eye and physical contact could be made. 3 - I joined a baby/toddler swim class with him It's good that he responds well to dh coming home. Don't take that personally and soon, by the end of the day with you being home so much, you will welcome this time to yourself. And that is a great opportunity for them to bond too. I used the evening time to get away with girlfriends or just whatever at least once a week. It was good for the kids too, because they needed to learn that Mommy leaves and then returns.

I will be the voice of concern. I too think he is just grieving as he is only two...but the following Dh around raises tiny red flags for me. I think that bonding better occurs in children under three but be aware that he did have trauma in his life and some of this behavior is a result of that and while it can calm down for a while it can rear itself again at a later time. He will always have lost two families before he was two his bio and first foster....that means something to a child.

Actually sadly he lost three families his bio mom his foster family and lastly his aunt and none of them had any interest in bonding with him. So he does have problems there but I think I have figured out why he likes DH so much. Whenever we are around other adults he turns the charm on and he can sweet talk his way into anyones heart but once they leave he can either turns into velcro baby or is completely mad and freaks out at everything. DH fits in this because he is not around that much he works during the day and is usually home only for a few hours when M is awake. This makes me think that M sees DH as a stranger. And DH has never understood why I am tired and frustrated from all of the attitude during the day. But tonight when getting ready for bed doing the normal routine he started to rage DH came upstairs to see what had happened (he thought he had hurt himself badly) to find me applying him lotion before bed. He was all concerned and after M was in bed asked me if that is what he does all day. I said yes and he was in shock. Finally he realises that M is not all sweety pie all day. It feels good for DH to finally understand me.

It's not uncommon for children with attachment problems to be fine for dad and angry with mom. It is related to their loses. Lots and lots of bonding activities would be a good idea.

Then for sure I will make the case for attachment therapy for your child. Without the ability to articulate and grieve these losses they will fester and manifest themselves into behaviorial issues that are life issues. I would talk to someone who has attachment therapy experience. It is specialized and they can help you help your child grieve and continue to bond. The following of your dh could be an early sign for you of his desire to be with the "snack" affection. Those he does not have to have a vested "in his mind" interest in. I know this because my son is the same way now at 7 with my husband. He will cooperate unwillingly but cooperate just the same and he is always desirous of his attention.

I don't necessarily agree that you need an attachment therapist this early in the transition, but agree with Lucy that the activities you do are important. I think it's good to start there and see how things go for awhile. To me anyway, if there's only a few challenges presented, time is a big factor too and it does take time to bond. It also takes time for him to unlearn the things he's learned...the going to strangers & the charm. But at 2, I feel it's one of the things "unlearned" more quickly because you can really eliminate anyone else meeting his needs and have only you & dh attend to him and his care. Can dh take a week off at all? Spend more time with him than just the evening moments? Or maybe he does the bathtime/bedtime routine for 4 nights a week? It's hard when he has to work, but I do think it really helps the bonding process to spend as much time with him as possible in the early months.

I waited a day to respond because I wanted to be objective. Living with a child who did not grieve, who experienced trauma we cannot even begin to process, I know the importance of understanding "Attachment" both secure and insecure. Because without understanding the true nature of what your child experienced and what you can do to help or not, issues MAY appear and you should be prepared for that. I agree "therapy" in the truest form for the child may not be necessary now, but for yourself so that you can do things to help the child model and then verbalize his feelings is so important. That and the whole bonding activities that the previous poster wrote about. But...I know personally a person who thought they had helped the child grieve and seemingly process their grief, who thought the child was securely attached to the family, experience things that can be only attributed to the original trauma before the child came to the family and the trauma of being separated from their biological family. If you understand this and what it does to the child neurologically as well as emotionally you are prepared for whatever comes your way. I know I understand the behavior of my RAD child better, do I respond better, yes sometimes, does it frustrate me, yes most of the time, but I am getting the tools to help him heal and in the long run it will be better for him and help the family dynamic.

I went through the same thing. I posted further down, describing a little bit of our history. We got J at 2, and his half brother as a newborn (they were placed with us within 3 months of eachother). We said yes to adopting J, naively assuming he'd be the same kid when he came to live with us, since we were crazy about him. If we had known how difficult and how long the healing would be, we may have made a different choice. Or we may have still made this choice. Who knows. J adores the men in our family, and is a little hesitant with the women. Not so badly that an outsider would notice, but you can see the difference in his responses to both genders. At first, it felt like he hated me. It's gotten better, with therapy, and with a lot of discussions with my husband about keeping a good balance in who disciplines him and who gets to do the fun stuff with him.