Adopting Teenage Daughter's Baby

January 19, 2008

[FONT=Verdana]Well, first - congratulations! There is nothing like a new baby in the family! I admire you for supporting your daughter during this difficult time in your lives. I was in the state of shock for about 3 days when my single daughter told me that she was pregnant and the father dumped her because she wouldn't have an abortion.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Your daughter is very young but I think that you should ask her what she wants to do. Regardless of what your family's final decision is about your grandchild, she is going to be a mother. I suspect that she is desperate for someone to help her come to terms with her feelings about carrying a child, giving birth, and her future relationship with her child. Eventually it will come down to whether or not she wants to sever her parental relationship with her child. I highly recommend that you let her make that decision AFTER she gives birth and understands the reality of her child. My daughter was very ambivalent about being a mother until after she first laid eyes on her son. She lost her heart completely to her son and totally embraced being a mother. (Note tho' that she was older - college age.) Her son is now 2 years old and they both are thriving.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]If you think that your daughter has the qualities that make a good mother, please tell her that. Everyone else is probably telling her that she is a screw-up and has ruined everyone's lives. Also, let her know that your love for her is unconditional regardless of her decision. As a family, I think that you need to look into the future if you adopt her child. As your daughter reaches maturity and becomes independent, she may want to reassert her parental relationship with her child. That has happened to a family member and a friend. Fortunately, they never lied about the biological relationships in the family so the children (both around 8 yo) were not totally confused. Both families gradually transitioned the children to the care of the (biological) parent.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]On the practical side, it is sad that in the US families have to look to adoption as a means to provide medical insurance for their grandchildren. My employer covers my grandson under my dependent policy. The only requirement was that I sign a form declaring that my grandson and daughter live with me and my husband and that we have a "Kinship Care" agreement with our daughter. Millions of grandparents provide for their grandchildren under Kinship Care agreements. The advantage is that it provides for services for low income families or, in my case, allows for health insurance coverage, without severing the parent-child relationship. The disadvantage is that, for children whose parents are irresponsible and/or have drug dependencies, it may put the child in a bad environment if the parents decide to assert their legal rights. It really depends on your particular situation and whether or not it will provide for a secure situation for your grandchild.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]I donݒt have any advice about the father of your grandchild. We hope that our grandsons father will eventually want a relationship with him. We are not forcing it and our daughter has chosen not to seek support. Fortunately, she does not need the money.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Again, bless you for doing some research on how to best provide for your grandchild. If your daughter decides to parent, I have tons of advice but I will spare everyone that right now![/FONT]

Happy G'Ma