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I'm being honest...
At 46 years old with a 9 year old boy, an only child adopted from Colombia, I still feel frustrated hearing stories about pregnancy and the endless talk about so and so looks like mom, dad, etc. I thought that at this age, after this much time, infertility issues would be over. Instead it still hurts, of course not as much, that now my nieces and nephews are having babies and my sister-in-laws are saying, when I was pregnant I remember...
It also bothers me, that I feel I'm being deceptive when I say my son was born in Colombia and that if I don't offer that he is adopted in the conversation, I feel like I'm lying. However, I've come to the conclusion its none of people's business how we became a family, but does that mean I have to always be careful what I say? I think the answer is yes.
I'm mostly concerned about how these feelings will be felt by my son who is a wonderful little guy and is very sensitive. I want to find other Mom's who are older and who've adopted in my area but it just seems there is no one out there. "Everyone" is 10 years younger and hasn't gone through any of our experiences (wanting a kid in my twenties, trying for years to get pregnant, than my husband and I adopting when I'm 38 years old and he's 40.)
Who do you talk to? I'm tired of being "the only one" who is "different." In Minneapolis we knew several people who had adopted, but down here in a much smaller community in SE Florida its such a "strange" thing, that I feel very isolated.
People have said the strangest things to us, and I hope Lucas doesn't hear it, but he's bound to eventually (such as I "knew" he was adopted because you're both blonde and hazel/blue eyes and he's got brown eyes and brown hair.) When he was an infant he looked like us and does still a lot but as he gets older, he is no longer blonde and I feel guilty that I even am saying this.
Thankfully L has tons of friends and we're so proud that he told his closest buddies up the street he was adopted from Colombia. They didn't believe him so he asked us to confirm it to them and they thought it was cool.
Any thoughts or experiences? I feel I can't be the only one that has gone through this.
I wonder if it has to do with where you live or what groups you join?
I live in central NJ, which has a very high population density. I am also in an adoption support group.
I am an adoptive mom and i am 36, but my dh is ten years older than I am. He is turning 47 in two months. My adopted dd will be turning 3 in two months also.
Two of my friends that are adoptive moms are older as well. One is now 49 with a 3 yr. old whom she adopted from her second marriage(she has a 17 yr old bio from her first marriage).
My other friend has one adopted son who just turned two and she is around 46 yrs.
I wonder if you joined some adoption support/networking groups in your area if you would meet some "older" parents. Often folks who are a bit older come to adoption because they try to conceive a little later in life, then it doesnt happen, then they go through fertility clinics, then it doesnt happen, and then they end up adopting. So I would assume a decent number of adoptive parents are a bit older than the norm.
I wish you the best.
Amy K, NJ
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Oh yes this is a fantastic thread for I am 54 with a daughter that is my bio-child and nobody has ever asked me if I am her grandfather, and heck fire I look like the eyes of age, and my daughter is 10 years old.
bprice215
Thanks for your comments. I particularly liked your suggestion about having the private conversation about your daughter's adoptions to the person you didn't see eye to eye. Generally comments don't bother me unless Lucas is right there and hearing every word. The comment I still hate is his "real parents."
HappyTwinsMom
I was 38 (hubby was 34) when my daughters were born and, yes, there are times I feel much older than all the other moms. Believe it or not, I've kept track of the number of times I've been asked if I'm the grandmother...21 and counting! Our daughters were adopted domestically and are Caucasian. In fact, even their birthmom comments about how much they resemble my husband. I kid him all the time about "what were you doing in the fall of 2000?"
I don't offer the information that they were adopted in casual conversation. People who know us know and occasionally I'll comment on it if the information seems relevant to the conversation. I don't feel like I'm lying - it's just not everyone's business. The girls' adoption story is their story to tell if they choose. (Now if I could just get my Dad to quit telling everyone and their brother on first meeting that the girls were adopted!)
If the people in your life who are making comments you find disturbing are close to you, maybe you could talk to them privately and let them know that Lucas's story is HIS. I had to write a very long, involved letter to my FIL instructing him to not ask questions about the girls' adoption in their presence. Told him I'm more than willing to talk to him about it (if it's information I feel comfortable sharing) but that talking about it in front of the girls is disrespectful to them. He took it surprisingly well, considering he and I don't see eye to eye on very many things.
Not sure if I've given you anything helpful. But you're not alone!!!
Thanks for your helpful comments!
CJaneG
I am an adoptee, and my amother was in her early 40s when I was born. I knew from the earliest possible age I was adopted ... chosen ... although at first I didn't understand exactly what that entailed. I didn't need to. As I got a little older, I understood a little more, and so on. It's never too soon to talk about it with adopted children. If you are uncomfortable with the subject, he will be too, and I can promise you we adoptees need, at times, to talk about our origins. Your discomfort will teach him it's not okay to talk about it, to wonder, to need to know. My aparents had no problem with telling people I was adopted if the conversation merited this information. It wasn't offered for no reason, just if a resemblance, or lack thereof, was mentioned, or something that would lead to adoption as a topic. By the time I was 6 or 7 I was telling people myself. It was no big deal to anyone in the family. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. Just a fact about my beginnings.
As far as I'm concerned, my older parents were just the right age ... and they had another baby, biologically, 14 months after I was born. They were relaxed about themselves and us, wise, patient, content to be our parents with no wish to be our "buddies". It felt right to me.
Jane
Thanks for sharing your perspective and great advice!
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amyfk
I wonder if it has to do with where you live or what groups you join?
I live in central NJ, which has a very high population density. I am also in an adoption support group.
I am an adoptive mom and i am 36, but my dh is ten years older than I am. He is turning 47 in two months. My adopted dd will be turning 3 in two months also.
Two of my friends that are adoptive moms are older as well. One is now 49 with a 3 yr. old whom she adopted from her second marriage(she has a 17 yr old bio from her first marriage).
My other friend has one adopted son who just turned two and she is around 46 yrs.
I wonder if you joined some adoption support/networking groups in your area if you would meet some "older" parents. Often folks who are a bit older come to adoption because they try to conceive a little later in life, then it doesnt happen, then they go through fertility clinics, then it doesnt happen, and then they end up adopting. So I would assume a decent number of adoptive parents are a bit older than the norm.
I wish you the best.
Amy K, NJ
I think it does depend on the area. When I was in the Twin Cities (grew up in Bloomington, MN) we had quite a few friends that had adopted older like us (for the same reasons - infertility) and there were quite a few support groups. Here in this small town (relatively small in SE Florida) there aren't the support groups like there are in a big metro area, but this really helps having a forum to express comments.
bprice215
Oh yes this is a fantastic thread for I am 54 with a daughter that is my bio-child and nobody has ever asked me if I am her grandfather, and heck fire I look like the eyes of age, and my daughter is 10 years old.
bprice215
In the past year, I've actually met quite a few parents who started after 45. I also have met adoptive families that are bio grandparents raising their grand kids. Families come in all ages, and in all different ways.
Its good to be catching up on reading these and seeing the similiarities in experiences. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. So far I haven't had too many rude comments made in front of my son. He has enough "physical characteristics" from both sides of our families that he looks like my husband, and has some of my features as well - and obviously he does not have the same DNA as either of us (yet he's had people ask if his cousins are his sisters).
(I still don't like it though when people say what a awonderful thing we've done "for mankind or something?" in adopting him - in front of him). Never quite know what to expect but I'm finally starting to relax a bit and go with the flow.
JAK
I'm being honest...
At 46 years old with a 9 year old boy, an only child adopted from Colombia, I still feel frustrated hearing stories about pregnancy and the endless talk about so and so looks like mom, dad, etc. I thought that at this age, after this much time, infertility issues would be over. Instead it still hurts, of course not as much, that now my nieces and nephews are having babies and my sister-in-laws are saying, when I was pregnant I remember...
It also bothers me, that I feel I'm being deceptive when I say my son was born in Colombia and that if I don't offer that he is adopted in the conversation, I feel like I'm lying. However, I've come to the conclusion its none of people's business how we became a family, but does that mean I have to always be careful what I say? I think the answer is yes.
I'm mostly concerned about how these feelings will be felt by my son who is a wonderful little guy and is very sensitive. I want to find other Mom's who are older and who've adopted in my area but it just seems there is no one out there. "Everyone" is 10 years younger and hasn't gone through any of our experiences (wanting a kid in my twenties, trying for years to get pregnant, than my husband and I adopting when I'm 38 years old and he's 40.)
Who do you talk to? I'm tired of being "the only one" who is "different." In Minneapolis we knew several people who had adopted, but down here in a much smaller community in SE Florida its such a "strange" thing, that I feel very isolated.
People have said the strangest things to us, and I hope Lucas doesn't hear it, but he's bound to eventually (such as I "knew" he was adopted because you're both blonde and hazel/blue eyes and he's got brown eyes and brown hair.) When he was an infant he looked like us and does still a lot but as he gets older, he is no longer blonde and I feel guilty that I even am saying this.
Thankfully L has tons of friends and we're so proud that he told his closest buddies up the street he was adopted from Colombia. They didn't believe him so he asked us to confirm it to them and they thought it was cool.
Any thoughts or experiences? I feel I can't be the only one that has gone through this.
I am 41 with children age 5 and 3, both adopted as infants. The only advice I can offer about this, based on my experience, is to continue to work through whatever issues you might have related to your infertility and/or adoption journey, and at the end, hopefully embrace your unique situation for what it is. I've learned that anything other, and I've experienced some parallel things that you have, only leads to frustration. I've learned that my story is my story, and it's my story to tell how I want to. I know it's unique. I know I can't relate to other people. Most of the time I remain silent realizing they wouldn't understand anyway. And that's okay. THere's nothing I can do to change what has happened (and some of it I wouldn't want to) and there's nothing they can do to understand my experience because it isn't theirs.
As for the relationships, I've learned that I have to embrace a wide variety of people in order to fulfill my needs as an "older than" mom. My closest friends (both near and one I moved away from) are a few years older than me. They are both empty nesters and/or almost empty nesters even though we are in the same decade of life. They give me the opportunity for deep and fulfilling conversations that both embrace parenting (they are an awesome resource for me since they've raised their kids, and their kids are all amazing people) and many other our mutual interests outside my role as a parent. I found that I need that desperately. And it has fulfilled something that some of the younger moms, whose kids are the same age as my kids, can't. Not because the younger moms don't have anything to offer, but because they haven't lived as long to have the experiences that others have. And that's okay too. And the "older" friends have embraced my kids almost like their grandkids, which fulfills a need for my children, whose grands all live away.
Alongside these friends closer to my age, I also have many, many friends with whose kids are my kids' age. And for the most part, I am older, sometimes MUCH older. The mother of DS's best friend is almost twenty years younger. But she and I have found a wonderful relationship that is very unique too, but it has taken alot of work.
I've blathered on but I guess my whole point is that what I've learned is to embrace my life not my age, to seek out and befriend people who are friends regardless of age. It's work, and it is sometimes challenging but it is worth it.
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Stormster
Great thread! I am 43, DH is 45 and DS is 1. We live in a very progressive area, just outside NYC with lots of older parents, IA and third party repro. My problem is these women WORK!
I'm a sahm and who do I meet at the park but the young ones and the nannies. I had a career until about 2 years ago and probably have much more in common with the ones who work but I find myself at the park having mindless conversations with women who are so different than I it's not even funny! I can't even say they are conversations...that's why I'm in here so much! :evilgrin:
So yeah, I too feel like I can't connect and make friends because of my age and just who I am. I don't really want to hang out with a child's nanny it just doesn't feel comfortable though one did ask for my number once at Gymboree. I've given my number to at least four women who haven't called! They all seem so busy and the ones with babies seem to have more than one and are just too busy for me! :hissy:
BTW Finally I hear where you are coming from but I think it's kind of personal info. I would never lie and I would correct someone if they asked oh yeah where did you give birth (in front of him) but I have finally learned that not everyone needs to know how he came into our family unless it is relevant. I really respect you (as you know) for not wanting to disregard your daughter's birth mother (esp. in front of her) but it is kind of personal info depending on the situation. We walk a fine line! I just have total boundary issues and finally learned to keep my mouth shut and feels right.
DS looks different from us (blonde blue) but he's caucasian so we don't get any questions about adoption. My issues are more age/friendship and feeling different related.
Ohhhhh that was a nice vent. I feel cleansed LOL!!!!!
It really does help to look at this thread. Fortunately I've come to terms with the fact I'm not like everybody else and that is okay. I have some friends now that are 10 years younger, other friends that are my age that have empty nests, and one has become a grandma! Here especially in this smaller town the women become moms at a very young age - and I can't always relate but as everyone has shared, its a different path. I've also given myself permission to just not say anything. Not everyone needs to know every detail about our lives and I too am starting to be better about boundaries.
Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate your stories. Thankfully nobody has called me a Grandma yet, but if we'd had kids at the same time as my husband's sisters, we would be.
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JAK
I'm being honest...
At 46 years old with a 9 year old boy, an only child adopted from Colombia, I still feel frustrated hearing stories about pregnancy and the endless talk about so and so looks like mom, dad, etc. I thought that at this age, after this much time, infertility issues would be over. Instead it still hurts, of course not as much, that now my nieces and nephews are having babies and my sister-in-laws are saying, when I was pregnant I remember...
It also bothers me, that I feel I'm being deceptive when I say my son was born in Colombia and that if I don't offer that he is adopted in the conversation, I feel like I'm lying. However, I've come to the conclusion its none of people's business how we became a family, but does that mean I have to always be careful what I say? I think the answer is yes.
I'm mostly concerned about how these feelings will be felt by my son who is a wonderful little guy and is very sensitive. I want to find other Mom's who are older and who've adopted in my area but it just seems there is no one out there. "Everyone" is 10 years younger and hasn't gone through any of our experiences (wanting a kid in my twenties, trying for years to get pregnant, than my husband and I adopting when I'm 38 years old and he's 40.)
Who do you talk to? I'm tired of being "the only one" who is "different." In Minneapolis we knew several people who had adopted, but down here in a much smaller community in SE Florida its such a "strange" thing, that I feel very isolated.
People have said the strangest things to us, and I hope Lucas doesn't hear it, but he's bound to eventually (such as I "knew" he was adopted because you're both blonde and hazel/blue eyes and he's got brown eyes and brown hair.) When he was an infant he looked like us and does still a lot but as he gets older, he is no longer blonde and I feel guilty that I even am saying this.
Thankfully L has tons of friends and we're so proud that he told his closest buddies up the street he was adopted from Colombia. They didn't believe him so he asked us to confirm it to them and they thought it was cool.
Any thoughts or experiences? I feel I can't be the only one that has gone through this.
We too were older parents, we waited 10 years for the first. 17 years after we married we had our second. And we adopted a seventeen year old boy when my husband and I were in our mid sixties after our own children grown and on their own for years!
God has so blessed you and your son, Lucas. He has a wonderful family. It says in Proverbs that children are a gift from God. He knew when your son was conceived that you were going to be his mother! What a wonderful gift he is!
I know that miscarriage is a very sad time and difficult to go through. Our daughter and son in law just buried our miscarried grandson, Aaron Levi yesterday. But focus on the wonder of your young son. The delight, the imagination, the activity!
My mother who will be a hundred years old in November, always told us to "keep your feathers oiled" to let the hurtful comments of others roll off. They are not for you to shoulder!
May I speak to you as my daughter? (She is now 30) What matters most is that you have a healthy, wonderful, lovely son. He seems proud of his heritage. Keep your feathers oiled and focus on your close knit family relationships. Associate with those who want the best for your family. Some people are thoughtless, sometimes it hurts. But dwell on the blessings God has gifted to you; your son!
Ack! I wasnt feeling old until I read this thread! :-P
I just turned 50 (!!) and my husband (30!!) are in the process of adopting two kids from foster care ages 2.5 and 8. We got married 5 (I was 45)years ago, and tried to conceive and miscarried three times. We then started the process to adopt through foster care:)
I honestly dont feel older than the other moms:) Im active and keep up! But to be honest with you, Ive always acted younger than the number of my age :P
No one has said anything to me about it yet...though I anticipate that it will happen eventually.
Maybe its just a mindset?
Tam
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I adopted my wonderful daughter from China when I was 51 and she was 18 months old. I turned 67 today, and my daughter will turn 17 years old next month.
We are still having fun! Frankly, I have never regretted my choice, and I have never felt "odd". I live in the DC metropolitan area, where old Moms are commonplace --- even old SINGLE Moms like me -- and where there are so many White families with kids from China that we can easily fill a banquet hall on Chinese New Year with a few hundred families.
I do think that you should consider moving to a more adoption-friendly and age-friendly area. It is very important for your son to know other kids whose families were formed by international adoption, and especially, kids whose families look like yours -- typical Caucasian parents with a Hispanic child.
It is also important for YOU to know other old Moms, because yes, you will have a different perspective on some child-raising issues, because you are older. One of the people whose opinions I consider most valuable is another old single Mom, about my age, who has two daughters from China.
Sharon
Hats off to all you lovely ladies who consider giving a home and good upbringing to a child whatever be their age. In fact, age is just a number. All that matters is the jest to live life and to love and be loved.