Need Suggestions: Still feel older and "different" than other families

i'm a birthmother of a 23 year old who is finally ready to consider being a parent myself, at age 40. when i worry about being too old, i simply have to look to my bdaughter and her aparents for reassurance. when i chose parents for my bdaughter i chose a 38yr old woman and 45 yr old man. i chose them because i wanted people who were stable, mature and had their priorities straight in life, who had lived fully before parenting, and who really wanted a baby of their own. and having recently been in reunion with both daughter and aparents, i have to say, i wouldn't change a thing about any of them. they are a young, healthy 61 and 69 now, and to be honest, i am sure she has helped to keep them young as both of them look and seem far younger than their ages. i live in san francisco, where you commonly see woman in their 40's with newborns -- no one even thinks about it. i'm not knocking young parents, but i believe as we age we are wiser and stronger, and we have a lot to offer children that perhaps we wouldn't have in our 20s. (please please don't take this in any way offensively if you are a younger parent - i not always good at finding the best way to phrase things) i'm all for older parenting! glad to hear you are feeling better about all this!

DJ That's it I'm coming to San Fran to have coffee with you :coffee: YOU ROCK

anytime, stormster!

I am an adoptee, and my amother was in her early 40s when I was born. I knew from the earliest possible age I was adopted ... chosen ... although at first I didn't understand exactly what that entailed. I didn't need to. As I got a little older, I understood a little more, and so on. It's never too soon to talk about it with adopted children. If you are uncomfortable with the subject, he will be too, and I can promise you we adoptees need, at times, to talk about our origins. Your discomfort will teach him it's not okay to talk about it, to wonder, to need to know. My aparents had no problem with telling people I was adopted if the conversation merited this information. It wasn't offered for no reason, just if a resemblance, or lack thereof, was mentioned, or something that would lead to adoption as a topic. By the time I was 6 or 7 I was telling people myself. It was no big deal to anyone in the family. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. Just a fact about my beginnings. As far as I'm concerned, my older parents were just the right age ... and they had another baby, biologically, 14 months after I was born. They were relaxed about themselves and us, wise, patient, content to be our parents with no wish to be our "buddies". It felt right to me. Jane

Great thread. We are expecting to adopt an infant at the end of October. DH and I are both 44. We have 3 adopted teenage sons. I was preparing myself for the grandma thing, but hadn't thought about anyone asking if the baby was my oldest son's. :eyebrows: HMMM. I too am worried that I will feel out of place at play groups and nursery school. I have a great support group of friends, but their youngest are finishing grade school. Can I relate to moms that are babrly older than my son? The twins are biracial and don't even look like they are the same age or ethnicity. Our oldest is white like DH and I. The new baby will also be biracial. I used to worry about strangers that looked at our family just a little too long. It became a family joke that they were trying to figure out how many different men I had slept with. I was convinced that since oldest son looked like DH, that they must think he is a saint to stay with me and raise so many other men's sons! Serveral times a year I have my sister's 3 blond, blue eyed kids along when we go out in public. Based on size it goes brunette, hispanic, blond, AA, blond, blond. Then we really get noticed. We are a loud and cute bunch! Once I stopped at a walk-in hair salon to get haircuts for the 3 middle boys who were around 5 at the time. The lady at the desk did a double take as I pointed to the guys. I could see her chatting with the ladies in the back and pointing to us. Luckily the boys didn't notice and we just left before she came back to make the appointments.For the most part we tell anyone who asks how our family was created through love and adoption. The boys are comfortable with their adoption story and are more concerned that I would tell about something current that could get back to friends. It is a fine line for each family to walk. DH and I are very open with our lives and quick to share our personal stuff when asked. I guess the boys just think it is normal for people to ask questions about our family. (We never give out information that the boys haven't heard, even to close friends and family) I hope to hear about more families like ours that have older parents raising infants. It is not very common here in rural VA. Cindy

I wonder if it has to do with where you live or what groups you join? I live in central NJ, which has a very high population density. I am also in an adoption support group. I am an adoptive mom and i am 36, but my dh is ten years older than I am. He is turning 47 in two months. My adopted dd will be turning 3 in two months also. Two of my friends that are adoptive moms are older as well. One is now 49 with a 3 yr. old whom she adopted from her second marriage(she has a 17 yr old bio from her first marriage). My other friend has one adopted son who just turned two and she is around 46 yrs. I wonder if you joined some adoption support/networking groups in your area if you would meet some "older" parents. Often folks who are a bit older come to adoption because they try to conceive a little later in life, then it doesnt happen, then they go through fertility clinics, then it doesnt happen, and then they end up adopting. So I would assume a decent number of adoptive parents are a bit older than the norm. I wish you the best. Amy K, NJ

Oh yes this is a fantastic thread for I am 54 with a daughter that is my bio-child and nobody has ever asked me if I am her grandfather, and heck fire I look like the eyes of age, and my daughter is 10 years old. bprice215

Thanks for your comments. I particularly liked your suggestion about having the private conversation about your daughter's adoptions to the person you didn't see eye to eye. Generally comments don't bother me unless Lucas is right there and hearing every word. The comment I still hate is his "real parents."

Thanks for your helpful comments!

Thanks for sharing your perspective and great advice!

I think it does depend on the area. When I was in the Twin Cities (grew up in Bloomington, MN) we had quite a few friends that had adopted older like us (for the same reasons - infertility) and there were quite a few support groups. Here in this small town (relatively small in SE Florida) there aren't the support groups like there are in a big metro area, but this really helps having a forum to express comments.

In the past year, I've actually met quite a few parents who started after 45. I also have met adoptive families that are bio grandparents raising their grand kids. Families come in all ages, and in all different ways.

Its good to be catching up on reading these and seeing the similiarities in experiences. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. So far I haven't had too many rude comments made in front of my son. He has enough "physical characteristics" from both sides of our families that he looks like my husband, and has some of my features as well - and obviously he does not have the same DNA as either of us (yet he's had people ask if his cousins are his sisters). (I still don't like it though when people say what a awonderful thing we've done "for mankind or something?" in adopting him - in front of him). Never quite know what to expect but I'm finally starting to relax a bit and go with the flow.

I am 41 with children age 5 and 3, both adopted as infants. The only advice I can offer about this, based on my experience, is to continue to work through whatever issues you might have related to your infertility and/or adoption journey, and at the end, hopefully embrace your unique situation for what it is. I've learned that anything other, and I've experienced some parallel things that you have, only leads to frustration. I've learned that my story is my story, and it's my story to tell how I want to. I know it's unique. I know I can't relate to other people. Most of the time I remain silent realizing they wouldn't understand anyway. And that's okay. THere's nothing I can do to change what has happened (and some of it I wouldn't want to) and there's nothing they can do to understand my experience because it isn't theirs. As for the relationships, I've learned that I have to embrace a wide variety of people in order to fulfill my needs as an "older than" mom. My closest friends (both near and one I moved away from) are a few years older than me. They are both empty nesters and/or almost empty nesters even though we are in the same decade of life. They give me the opportunity for deep and fulfilling conversations that both embrace parenting (they are an awesome resource for me since they've raised their kids, and their kids are all amazing people) and many other our mutual interests outside my role as a parent. I found that I need that desperately. And it has fulfilled something that some of the younger moms, whose kids are the same age as my kids, can't. Not because the younger moms don't have anything to offer, but because they haven't lived as long to have the experiences that others have. And that's okay too. And the "older" friends have embraced my kids almost like their grandkids, which fulfills a need for my children, whose grands all live away. Alongside these friends closer to my age, I also have many, many friends with whose kids are my kids' age. And for the most part, I am older, sometimes MUCH older. The mother of DS's best friend is almost twenty years younger. But she and I have found a wonderful relationship that is very unique too, but it has taken alot of work. I've blathered on but I guess my whole point is that what I've learned is to embrace my life not my age, to seek out and befriend people who are friends regardless of age. It's work, and it is sometimes challenging but it is worth it.

It really does help to look at this thread. Fortunately I've come to terms with the fact I'm not like everybody else and that is okay. I have some friends now that are 10 years younger, other friends that are my age that have empty nests, and one has become a grandma! Here especially in this smaller town the women become moms at a very young age - and I can't always relate but as everyone has shared, its a different path. I've also given myself permission to just not say anything. Not everyone needs to know every detail about our lives and I too am starting to be better about boundaries.