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I will give you as brief a history as I can:My ason was placed with us at age 5 months in 7/04. When he was 18 months old, his two month old sister was placed with us. She stayed for 11 months before being ru'd with bmom. A month later, we adopted our son. For the next six months, we were allowed to facilitate visits between the kids in a conference room for an hour a month. In 12/06, bmom asked the court to discontinue the visits as she was angry she could not participate. In 2/07 we brought home our Guatemalan son.In 5/07, bmom began calling me in varying states of intoxication asking to get the kids together. After several conversations when she was sober and a discussion of ground rules, we agreed to meet at a park. Since 6/07 we have been meeting about once a month, and she has been allowing us to take fd on outings/overnight an additional once or twice a month. She actually asked us to take her every weekend but I said no, not wanting to confuse the kids and frankly, so dh and I don't get overly attached.About a month ago, I told her we are adopting a baby girl from Guatemala.Two weeks ago, I invited her and fd to ason's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese which was held this past week.She called me this past Monday night, drunk, and initially spoke about how it is difficult for her to come on outings with us because it pains her to hear ason call me Mommy (he calls her by her first name). I provided support and suggested we should talk about this at another time as she was clearly "upset." As the conversation progressed, she became more belligerent, hanging up and calling back, getting loud, and finally having fd (who is 2.5 and developmentally delayed) tell me that I am a bad girl for stealing ason (I could hear bmom prompting her to repeat to me what bmom said). She said neither she nor fd would be coming to the birthday party, and I told her that was her choice but they would be missed. She began to demand to speak with ason and I told her I was done talking with her for the day, but she was welcome to call back tomorrow.The day of the party, an hour and a half before it was to start, she called and spoke with dh, telling him she changed her mind and would allow fd to attend the party...what time would we pick her up? Dh told her he had to talk to me; we talked and I told him that we were not picking fd up. Bmom made it clear she was not coming, so we didn't have her car seat, there wasn't time, etc., but more importantly, I was not going to play into a back-and-forth, let's hurt each other with the kids sort of scenario. Dh told her we would not be coming to pick her up and that he, bmom and I should talk before getting the kids together again to clear the air and resolve some things. He asked her when she would be free to get together this weekend. She was angry and said she did not understand; dh told her that given what she had had fd say to me, we needed to talk. He invited her to call ason later in the evening to wish him a happy birthday, and she did not. There's been no word from her since.To clarify, bmom signed a conditional surrender the day of her TPR trial with conditions that I would send her a letter and a picture every June if she wrote to me first to request it (thereby relieving me of having to track her down for an address). There is no legal visitation agreement allowing for the kids to see each other. So, how do I proceed? Our relationship has been tenuous at times but never openly hostile. We are her only real supports...in fact she called me a few weeks ago when the cops were there threatening to remove fd. We usually speak a few times a week and have a mentoring sort of relationship. However, she continues to struggle with parenting and alcohol (though she denies it and becomes very angry if it is mentioned), and she refuses to have fd evaluated for developmental disability services. I have spoken with my worker and attorney, as well as other county employees and they are no help, reporting bmom needs to sink her own ship and that if dh and I are directly involved with that ship sinking, it will look like we sunk it for her.I could really use some suggestions.
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Good question. I would like the kids to be in each other's lives...that is the priority. Intrinsic in that is that dh and I also get to continue to see her.I want to do what I can to keep fd safe, and if I am talking to bmom, I have some idea what is going on. I want to be a resource for bmom. She was never parented herself, and we really are her only supports.
Hi,as a adoptive parent,i can tell you i would discontinue contact with your son and his bmom at this time.her substance abuse issues are clearly a issus right now and this is not healthy for your child.just from what she had her young child do,i would report her to dss.sounds like this child is in danger of being abused and neglected.she needs to get heathy before she can be in your sons life.it is not your job to be her only support person.that is not fair to your family.i know this sounds harsh,but the best interest of the child,or children should be your top priority.
I understand your desire to have FD in AS's life. They are too little to understand why they aren't getting to see one another and it feels like they are being punished for biomom's behaviors, but sometimes we can only help so much.
As a mandated reporter, if a biomom were to call me obviously under the influence and requiring FD to do and say things inappropriate.....then what else is she doing. I would have to call the hotline or at the very least, call the police to request they go and check on the child.
This has nothing to do with you "sinking her ship". You are required by law to report when a child may be being neglected or harmed in any way. In her situation, she could not have been taking proper care of this child....she was too concerned about herself and her feelings. At the very least, she was emotional abusing her daughter. This must be a problem or the police would not have already been to her house at least once, according to your post, threatening to remove the child at that time.
IT'S THE LAW and besides, could you live with yourself if she hurt this little girl?? You have no choice but to report her behavior.:hissy:
Kim
In terms of reporting, I have spoken with the county multiple times and they will not intervene. We have been in contact with the city chief of police; he is giving us a contact at the district where she lives so that next time this happens, we can contact someone directly who will immediately respond, not hours later (which both our city police and child protection do here). DH and I are in complete agreement with what you are all saying.
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I must say....I don't like to think of it as you "sinking her ship" but at the rate she seems to be going, her daughter may very well end up in your home again. With her current state, that is what I am praying for. I hate to hear of children being used emotionally as this one is. The internal damage to her mind and heart is just as bad as visual bruises on the body.
You are in a really tough spot and I will be praying for the Lord to guide you and those in power the next time this woman appears to not be parenting.
No one wants a mother's sink to ship, but when it's going down I believe it should be children off first and I hope this one is placed in your dingy with her brother.
Kim
We are in a tough spot. When fd was placed with us, we were told her TPR would be expedited and we would be adopting her at the same time we adopted ason, so that is what we thought, and that is how we loved her, as if she were ours and would be staying. We never prepared ason for the possibility she was leaving because we were told that was not a possibility. Eight months later, her cw called out of the blue to advise overnights would be starting....These two kids, however young, know they are siblings and love each other to pieces. I really want to be able to maintain their contact. In terms of bmom seeing my son, I am there supervising at all times, and the contact is brief (an hour or two at a park for example). I would NEVER tolerate any indication that she has been drinking/using, and she has respected that. She has not called back. I don't want to play into her drama, but want to discuss with her what happened and how we will proceed. Thoughts?
Hey chica,I know how much you love and miss the real Bug. I know its got to be heartbreaking to see the child she's turning into w/ Bmom. Give her a few more days......I'm sure she'll call back, she always does. Keep reporting her, we know she'll keep drinking. :( We are very likely to be in the same situation with baby boy. Although I don't see Bmom keeping him, he'll be shipped off to live w/ either of the grandma's like J. I'm here praying for you and Bug.
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I would advise you to try to continue a relationship. The reality is that the only loving stable home that fd has ever known is yours... you have her brother and at some point she will probably be a big part of your life again whether its as a child or as an adult. Staying involved with bmom gives you the "monitoring" power over fd. Yuck. I'm sorry you're going through this.