Advertisements
My husband and I (both in our sixties) adopted one of our foster children when she was 10. She came into our foster home at age 8 with major grief over her mother's death. Mom used drugs/alcohol extensively. DD was born while Mom was in prison. Mom said she did not know who Dad is. DD had been abused a lot and had been in many homes.
At first, it seemed that she attatched to us easily, though she has always been very demanding and verbally expressive. She uses charm first and if that doesn't work, anger with a quick tongue comes next.
We felt we were making progress until puberty hit. She is cutting, says very openly that she has tried drugs and is generally angry. She tells me I am not her Mom and never will be, that she hates her life and wants to die.
The worst, though is crisis we just went through. We found her walking town streets with boys when she was supposed to be in movies. She screamed at us that she wasn't coming home because Dad (my DH) had raped her!! I knew this wasn't true, but a major police investigation ensued. Charges were dropped because police did not feel she was being truthful. However, she is back with us and angry if she does not get her way. She does not seem to see seriousness of her allegations. Our adult children are very angry and will not allow our grandchildren in our home if she is here. We are torn to pieces because we love her. Any ideas of what we should do?
Like
Share
How old is she now? How about a residential treatment program with a drug rehabilitation program? I would not want to keep a child at home that made that type of allegation against my husband.
You might also check out tough love and see what type of suggestions they might have for dealing with her out of control behavior.
She has to WANT change for anything to change at her age. (teen, or pre teen I'm assuming)
Katherine Leslie wrote two books that are good at teaching parenting for kids with these issues. One is called When a Stranger Calls You Mom and I don't know the name of the other one.
I also recommend reading Deborah Hannah's The Unlit Path
Advertisements
I can put up with a lot, but I believe allegations like those would push me over the edge. I would have to look into treatment centers for her. But we all have different levels of what we can deal with.How sad for your other grandchildren to suffer because of her. I know many will disagree with me, but I don't believe that an attachment disordered teen can heal.I recently had to evaluate for myself whether I was able to continue having my daughter in my home. I had to decide whether I could provide the care she needs and whether it was worth the damage she could cause the rest of the family. In my case, I chose to keep her here (only time will tell if that is the best, but its what I decided). Sometimes their needs are greater than our abilities. I know its tough to let go, but sometimes that is the greatest love of all.
I can certainly feel your pain. I don't have the answers either, but I think you are on the right track in having a professional evaluate her. Sometimes the wounds need more healing than we can give them at home. It breaks our hearts to see them hurting, and yet they reject the very love that would help them heal.
Advertisements