Just a comment

I always say just because a decision is painful doesn't make it wrong, and just as you can be comfortable with a decision that is right. The bottom line is the panic. If all that is felt when thinking about placement is fear and panic, I believe it is our hearts trying to tell us something.

Quantum,I have NO idea what it's like to relinquish, and understand there are all sorts of reasons why people do. From this adoptees stand point, I've never regretted that my mom made this decision for me. I certainly hope that she hasn't lived with any regrets either. I certainly hope that 40 years later, she isn't feeling pain, although I've now been here long enough to understand that may not be the case (but I pray that it is). Do you think if you weren't in reunion, you'd look at things differently, like you definitely would or would not relinquish today? I'm not in reunion, and have gone from "no way, not looking" to knowing who they are thanks to some information left on my non-id, and now I'm truly toying with contact. (I won't do a thing until I'm certain, I've learned THAT much here!)I wish all you that relinquished could find peace. I know that's a tall order.

Yes I agree about something just because it's painful doesn't mean it's not the right decision. No matter what it is. txrnr, as for the years of pain, I don't know if it will never go away for me. It's been 32 years. However I think if I had never met my daughter the pain MAY have gone away eventually (I don't know) but the main reason for my pain is knowing that giving my daughter up for adoption wasn't the right decision for either of us. She was abused and has so much anger and other emotions that are direct result of her adoptive parents abuse, the adoption itself and feeling like she was worthless all her life. If I had met her and found her happy, well adjusted, and loved like I was promised she'd be, I think I would have had the peace of knowing although it was hard and painful and caused a lot of "issues" in my life that it really was the right decision. I think that's the reason I'm having so much pain in this whole situation with my daughter. Knowing she turned out like she did due to the adoption and our relationship being so bad because of her adoptive parents. If time could be turned back and I hadn't met her and didn't know what I know now, I think it would really have been better that we'd never met. But ONLY because of what I found when we did meet. I don't know if that makes any sense. Rylee

Rylee, (((hugs))). The more I read on these forums lately the more fortunate I believe that I am. Although my bson has told me he's had a great life and he seems to be "well-adjusted", for lack of a better term, I have to take his word for it. He doesn't really share too much. I've been fortunate to spend a lot of time with him and, thinking back, I've done most of the talking, answering his questions, sharing stories about mine and his full siblings and bdad (husband). I do hope that he isn't holding back to spare my feelings (I don't get that impression) and yet, there is something there that doesn't feel quite right. I think you may be on to something. IF he were to tell me that he was abused, felt worthless and had a rough go of it, I'm not sure I could cope. As you said, adoption has negatively affected every aspect of my life but meeting and hearing my bson tell me he's "had a good life" has eased the pain somewhat. When my bson and I first met, some 6 months after writing back and forth, he made a comment that pierced my heart - "you keep changing your story" in that I said I knew it was best to place him for adoption but that I never wanted to and regretted it every day. Not so much flip-flopping but rather exactly how I feel. The internal struggle of putting him first and yet, feeling I failed him. For him, I think (and hope) that adoption was the right choice but for me, I know it wasn't. As Brenda and Quantum have already pointed out - just because it was extremely painful doesn't mean it wasn't right. I suppose now, in reunion, my greatest fear is no longer will he hate me, think I'm too fat/skinny, rich/poor but rather is he holding back to protect my feelings. I sincerely hope not but at the same time, could I cope if he was?

[FONT=Comic Sans MS] Yeah I totally agree with you. It's been over 19 yrs for me and it seems like just yesterday when I walked out of that hospital without my Precious baby girl! The PAIN never goes away and I don't think it EVER will. The decision was MADE and it's the BEST decision at the TIME but sometimes/many times through out the years their have been REGRETS. That is selfish I think but that's just how I feel. I've was in CONTACT with my Bdaughter. She first contacted me when she graduated from High School at age 17. We exchanged letters and email "very few" with "very little" information on her end. I was so OPEN about everything and all the feelings I had for her. I had been waiting to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I wanted to be part of her life. I was so excited; I was OVER the MOON. Thrilled! But then reality kicked in and she wasn't in the same place I was emotionally. She wasn't ready to meet in person. The hardest part is KEEPING that memory in my heart the first day of her life as I was holding her in my arms NEVER wanting to let her go. BUT I let her go. NOW the reality is she may never really want me PART of her life. I read some many stories with happy endings and I wonder how my Bdaughter could NOT want that with me. The most difficult PAIN is NOT having control of the situation and NOT letting this destory me on a daily bases. I have three amazing children of my own. I guess it's true "YOU really CAN'T have it ALL!" All I wanted was "HER" nothing more; not money, not riches, not gold, not fancy cars, designer clothes, expensive trips; JUST her in my life. At the END of the day I just have to be HAPPY she's HAPPY! And she is! The END! [/FONT]

I can't believe it's been 8 years since I logged in. I was in such an emotional wreck when I found this site. To be honest I went through many emotions: sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration! I guess I had a false expectation of our Reunion. I'm the birth mom who wanted year by year for my babies 18 birthday. The day I thought she would want me back into her life: into her heart. That did NOT happen for me. Yes, I was disappointed at first but to be truthful I'm so Happy she has had such a blessed life with a wonderful family. I admit I was Greedy for wanting more; for wanting it all; for wanting her to call me mom & so I could call her daughter. She has made the decision to look forward Not look back! I Respect that! We have never meet; occasionally I receive emails from her giving me updates about her life! I don't respond back! Why? I think I've let Go! I made the choice to give her a better life & I can't go back & change it! I don't want to change it! I wouldn't have my three children in my life today if I didn't make the choice I made to give my first baby up for adoption. I'm blessed. My first born is 25 yrs old this year: she's happy, travels, passionate about God, people & photography. I can't tell other birth mom's how to handle or cope with a wishful reunion! I've went through deep therapy for two years just to get to the place I am today. Just Live your life finding happiness in the people who want to be part of your life! What is meant to be will Be! Thank you for those of you who took the time to reply. For your thoughtful words & understanding!

Im reading all of your comments and I just want to say I feel fortunate at this time to have chosen the aps that now call my son thier own. They are wonderful people and they are open to allowing me to be a part of Corbins life. They promised me that we will stay in close contact and they are going to be honest with my son about who he is and where he comes from. We have scheduled visits through the adoption agency but they also promised me that I could see him more than that if I wish to. They feel that it is important for him to know who I am because they never want him to feel like something is missing..and it means everything to me. They only live an hour away from me and they visit friends in my area often so I am going to be an active part of my little boys life as well as my other son. They have pictures of me holding him on his dresser and pictures of his brother hanging on his walls so he will always know my face. I just want to say I'm sorry to those of you who have been lied to and have had thier children hurt at the hands of those that they entrusted to care for them. But its not always like that..there are aps out there that truly want children for the right reasons. I guess I was lucky to have found people like that.