Letting go

To the mom letting go of some of her children, its hard. Others have to do it too. When our kids come to us, by whatever means, it doesn't always have a happy ending. There they are with all their genetic material, their unknowns, and their knowns. There we are wanting to help them and doing our best for them. But nature is a force we can't recon with. They are going to turn out the way they are and there is not much we can do anymore. Try to realize you did more than most people in society by putting yourself out there to parent these kids and you saw them through to adult hood where they can be who they are. Its better to let go when they are adults and it is healthier for them and you to get on with your own lives. You gave the gift of your time and energy. In the case of your son who wanted to laze around and play video games, that is not a healthy life. By letting him go, it likely forced him to find himself and become responsible. That happened to our son, he got a job within a week or our saying you are on your own. Sure, he resents the heck out of us and we are estranged but we know he has 50-60 years of life ahead and must make his own way. And now its time to settle down from it and make our own way. What is good for us know? He's got a life he never would of had without us. A tough job to be sure, but we did it! Sometimes on these boards and in the adoption community it all good news as if its advertising for god overcoming all things. God sometimes has other plans! Nature has other plans! I say go with the flow, take a deep breath and let it out. Move on and don't resent the kid anymore. (Not saying you do, just some people might). Let it go and get what is left for you personally. Heaven knows we adoptive parents give enough of ourselves. And don't worry about what anyone thinks. They have not walked your shoes. God speed to you!

It's never fun or easy, I know that much. Some people are just lazy for as long as they can get away with it. With the extra spice of adoption added, in my experiences, I have noticed some things. Being an adoptee I know that adoptees are quite often treated like perpetual children, in many ways. I still run into that attitude regularly, I'm in my 50's. (not saying parents do this, but the general public generally does) So, some adoptees have a very difficult time "growing up" or "moving on" or taking responsibility for themselves and others they invite... Many simply don't want to, don't really know how to, have not really prepared themselves for it, if anything they prepare to fight it, to prolong it. I think that can have a part in it, sometimes. Having things majorly change in your life at some point and not being in control of any of it, and accepting that, can become a habit, a forever habit. Having little confidence and/or little knowledge in your genetic/biological self - rarely helps at all. If it's known to be "bad" or not good enough, many will see no way out of it, it is what it is, nothing I can do but hope some other strangers will step up and still help me, as has happened in the past. Sometimes a person knows, expects for it all to be over when they turn 18. They are just waiting for the day, then they will do what needs to be done - when they HAVE to. Planning for the move on, for the leave, can be very painful if not impossible for some people. Sometimes they milk it for as long as they can. Sometimes milking it, to them, is keeping it from happening, the leaving. Sometimes, and in my view nearly always, people are going to do what they are going to do, and there is not a thing you can do about it. Regardless of what good or bad has or hasn't happened for them in their past. I think the ages 16 thru um .... 26, maybe even 36! are the most difficult years to try to parent. It's not over at 18. The free ride can be over at 18 tho! It's so hard when you get angry at them, it's hard not to want to throw in the towel and just get away from it. I can't say I have ever run across one who didn't want to learn to drive! Sounds like he really wants to stay in the safe play pen where nothing changes, everything is secure, and paid for. Maybe the most important thing about your daughters pregnancy is - your daughter is excited about her new baby to be? A good thing I have noticed, probably more often than not, after some time passes, after they learn to swim, after they grow their wings a bit, and see it is possible for them, it all changes again. Sometimes the connection gets even better when they come back - in a different way. I accept that I will never really figure out why people do the things they do. Still working on figuring out why I did the things I did :) Hang in there Moms, roll with the punches, try not to let the anger put you where you might not want to be. One thing you can count on, it will all change, one way or another before you know it.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. It's been nearly 7 months since I posted that . I have moved on.From what I understand, youngest son earned his GED through the Job Corps and enlisted in the military. I haven't spoke to him since he was asked to leave in 2012. I reached out to him once but he didn't respond. He communicates with my brother and my oldest son. They've conveyed to him that I love him but if they ask him when does he plan to call me; he doesn't reply. I've asked that people stop discussing him with me as it opens up a wound. I pray for him and the others, but I have generally moved on. It's for the best.

My daughter had her baby in June. She's never apologized for the mean things that she said to me and I don't expect she ever will. My sister tried to help her by allowing her to live with her when she was 19. She cursed her out and never tried to make things better with her either. My sister lost her battle with cancer 2 months ago. The night before her funeral was when the baby was born. We're 1200 miles apart and since I was in town for the funeral, I stopped by the hospital to visit daughter. She didn't have much to say, so I left. Since then, I have let that go and moved on. I pray for her and wish her the best. Unfortunately, hurt people...hurt people. I think she lashes out without thinking and doesn't know what to do afterwards. She was one mean 5 year old when I met her and that hasn't changed.

Life moves on, not too many good choices other than to keep moving too. We've had a couple make it thru Job Corps and the military. They aren't as angry anymore. Moving on changes everyone. No one "gets it" until they "get it." Keep moving moms, it will all work out one way or another in the end. Try not to give up hope that things can get better for everyone, it is possible, I've seen it happen. That kind of hope is some of the power that can help you to keep moving in a good direction - for you. Best wishes

" I think she lashes out without thinking and doesn't know what to do afterwards. She was one mean 5 year old when I met her and that hasn't changed"This sounds just like my daughter. It took some swallowing of my pride, but if I didn't teach her what to do afterwards, no one would. She's 13 now and doing a bit better. However, I notice that when she lashes out, she beats herself up, won't say sorry because she expects that I won't accept her apology, and that she doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's her inability to allow herself to be vulnerable.Instead, I go to her, and tell her my feelings, and tell her how to make it up to me. That way she doesn't have to guess, and I've already accepted the offering I'm suggesting. Sometimes it's only an apology, usually it "rights the wrong". It helps her feel like she's back in control and it shows her success when she is vulnerable. Also, her dad or I will tell her the other deserves an apology. And she will usually apologize. At least it opens the door to a discussion that our love cannot be pushed away, and that our feelings deserve respect.Some people need to be loved from a distance for a while. And only you can know which approach is best. But it sounds like your daughter may want/need you and has no idea how to "get back to you". Make it easy for her the first few times. Even if you feel you need more, don't make it a condition yet....ask for it later. I often make loving and kind comments to myself that ought to come from my daughter. "Thank you mom for driving me""this dinner tastes great, thank you for making it""Even though it's annoying sometimes, I love that you care enough to check up on me""Thank you mom for loving me enough to help me with my math even though I yelled at you"And she will usually grin sheepishly and parrot them back to me, too insecure to say them first, but she means them. Now, she has found enough confidence to allow loving and vulnerable words to come in some situations without any prompting.

" I think she lashes out without thinking and doesn't know what to do afterwards. She was one mean 5 year old when I met her and that hasn't changed" This sounds just like my daughter. It took some swallowing of my pride, but if I didn't teach her what to do afterwards, no one would. She's 13 now and doing a bit better. However, I notice that when she lashes out, she beats herself up, won't say sorry because she expects that I won't accept her apology, and that she doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's her inability to allow herself to be vulnerable. Instead, I go to her, and tell her my feelings, and tell her how to make it up to me. That way she doesn't have to guess, and I've already accepted the offering I'm suggesting. Sometimes it's only an apology, usually it "rights the wrong". It helps her feel like she's back in control and it shows her success when she is vulnerable. Also, her dad or I will tell her the other deserves an apology. And she will usually apologize. At least it opens the door to a discussion that our love cannot be pushed away, and that our feelings deserve respect. Some people need to be loved from a distance for a while. And only you can know which approach is best. But it sounds like your daughter may want/need you and has no idea how to "get back to you". Make it easy for her the first few times. Even if you feel you need more, don't make it a condition yet....ask for it later. I often make loving and kind comments to myself that ought to come from my daughter. "Thank you mom for driving me" "this dinner tastes great, thank you for making it" "Even though it's annoying sometimes, I love that you care enough to check up on me" "Thank you mom for loving me enough to help me with my math even though I yelled at you" And she will usually grin sheepishly and parrot them back to me, too insecure to say them first, but she means them. Now, she has found enough confidence to allow loving and vulnerable words to come in some situations without any prompting.

I think you've got a good point there. Every time I've had contact with her, I was actually hoping for an apology. It was only with the last phone call that I received from her that I hung up the phone and realized I had let go of that. I also had to address the anger that I had shoved way down. When I went to the hospital to see her, I looked at her and realized that I had some healing to do. Time and distance can do wonders. I pray for all of my "kids" and I always remain hopeful. Without hope...well, I just can't imagine that.

This was a super supportive thread. Thank you. I am glad I chimed in. In a way, letting go isn't just an adoption issue. Lots of parents have to let go of children for various reasons. Its amazing how often it happens. People just don't jive at certain points in life. Glad everyone is moving on. Life is too short to sweat it all and we get older and can't keep up the drama forever. At the end of the day, with adoptees, its their journey not ours. I'm happy I participated, but don't own the journey:).