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Knittygirl,
I just came on here to say thank you so much for sharing your story. I so admire your bravery in telling your story and believing that others out there would either have experienced something similar or have insights to offer that might help you. Reading through your experience with this process (and that of other posters here) has really helped me in processing my feelings in learning that my father has a daughter 15 years my senior. I, too, realise (now) that my identity has been deeply enmeshed in being the eldest, the firstborn daughter, my dad's first child, and this news really does feel like an earthquake. I feel grief, and I also feel angry, numb, resentful, curious, bitter, and a multitude of other emotions, on top of guilt for feeling them when of course this woman deserves a place in my father's life. I'm struggling to process this and find a way to move forward that feels productive and kind but also true to myself, and reading your experience has helped me feel that I am not alone, that my feelings are valid, and that there is room for me to ask for more understanding from my family on this point. I especially admire you continuing to respond to posts from different viewpoints here - you stayed true to yourself but managed to articulate your thoughts carefully and kindly, even when your very personal feelings were not always met with generosity. I really appreciate your continued engagement because it has given me a frame of reference for so much of what I feel, and helped me navigate my own emotions on this subject. Thank you for giving me this gift, I hope you have found some peace with your situation <3
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Hi. I am in a state of emotional crisis after my mother's recent disclosure of having a daughter out of wedlock in 1970 and giving her up for adoption. I am 33 years old and was never told of this person's existence until she initiated contact with my mother. While my mom had previously decided to take this secret to her grave and never inform me or my full sister, she immediately began having near daily phone contact with this person, has visited her several times, calls adopted daughter's children her grandchildren. They only started having contact 3 months ago.
I am struggling mightily to cope with and accept this situation. I was raised the first born child in my family and it has been an identity crisis of such to discover that there was another one before me. Also, my mother is very critical of my feelings of betrayal, sadness, fear that our relationship will never recover this situation. I am in therapy, but can't seem to work things out with my mom so that we can even talk about this without fighting. She tells me that I should be happy for her, and should just decide not to be upset any more. I can't just stuff my own feelings like that. I feel like she is cheating on me with another daughter and I can't find any source of support from others who may have gone through something similar.
I am hoping that someone out there will see this and offer me some contructive advice as to how to mend my relationship with my mom and come to terms with this person who seems to be replacing me in my own family.
Hi KnittyGirl - I understand you completely. Although my story of meeting a older half-brother is a bit different, after 3 years of him staying in touch with our mom, he has never showed any interest in wanting to get to know me or my other half sister. Our family is a bit complicated and unique I believe. I’m seriously considering writing a memoir but who knows if I will really take the time to do it.
But I can say this, you have a right to feel the way you do. Each of us is unique, and just because your mom and adoptive half brother may feel one way, they should show some respect and consideration for you. After reading so many blogs and threads, I feel there’s a reason to believe so many adoptees and their BPs who want to pick up the pieces, have a false sense of entitlement. No - it doesn’t work this way unfortunately.