I found my birth family in my early 20s. Im now in my late 30s. I thought by now I would have my adoption in perspective, but I donҒt. I struggle with being adopted. I never viewed it as positive.
When growing up I had identity issues. I felt like I was living a lie, but never could figure out what that lie was. I felt hollow, empty and that my feelings didnt mater. I figured if I met my birth family I would feel complete and validated. We did meet and it did help. So many things were answered. I felt a connection I never felt before.
However now IҒm stuck. Im torn. Part of my hart earns to be with my birth family. I like being with them and they treat me like family. However, my life is with my adopted family. The family I grew up with. The family I feel hollow with, like something is missing.
My adopted parents love me very much and would do anything for me. I would never tell them how I feel about adoption. They know I found my birth mom, but we havenҒt talked about it in years.
On the other hand, I have some resentment towards my birth mom. I still resent her for giving me up for adoption. My birth dad wanted me and so did my grandparents.
I know this happened many years ago and I need to move on, but for some reason I dont.
Recently she told me she has no regrets about her decision to relinquish me. That hurt.
Well now IҒm in my late 30s. Ive never been married. IҒm alone. I feel like Im here,
but not really here. I feel like IҒm going through the motions of life, but not participating in life. Ive had many girlfriends, but loved none.
Are there any other guys out there who have had a similar experience? Do men who were put up for adoption as kids have intimacy issues? If so, how did you overcome? Any feedback from anyone would be appreciated..........Thanks
Hi everyone,
I'd like to start by saying how thankful I am to have finally come across others in a similar situation to myself. Your stories are moving and inspirational and I have been unusually in agreement with many points made.
I write this as somebody who has just yesterday evening undergone yet another blow to a potential relationship because of my problems with intimacy. As we are only at the dating stage of our (hopeful) relationship, I am not yet willing to open up and share lots of details about why I am having problems with this guy - It is in fact very hard for me to find the balance between how long I can sustain his interest and how little I can explain so early on.
I have found myself in this situation in pretty much every attempt I have had in forming a relationship with someone. I am a 20 year old gay man from the UK, currently studying modern languages at university. I was adopted from Romania as a baby from an orphanage and I have very little idea about my birth-origins and geneaology but until now I have not been very forthcoming in relating this to my problems with intimacy.
Being gay adds another cruel twist to things. I'd like to reinforce that I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality itself so I know the issue is not coming from this and although in the past I was forced to question whether I was lying to myself about this, I really do feel that is not the case.
Anyway, as gay men here in the UK and maybe elsewhere are very stereotyped, it is hard enough as it is reunite this with being who I want to be as well. The worst trait of the stereotype I find is that gay men as 'supposed to be' rather promiscuous and sex is supposedly a very key ingredient to many gay relationships. This makes my situation almost unbearable due to the fact that as I start to feel problems of intimacy I feel I am not only letting the guy down that I am dating but also going against the grain of a whole culture of people (which is a very big pill to swallow.) This links in quite nicely with some of the themes of fear of rejection and paranoia as to what others may be thinking of you. Together the effect is very much a snowball that gets worse the harder I try to correct it.
A previous forum user described the feeling well when he said that it is his mind that does all the thinking in the relationship, never his heart. I would dearly love to be able to let myself go, relax and enjoy the process of showing my physical affection for someone that I am keenly enjoying getting to know in an intellectual and spiritual sense - But the barriers come firmly down and there's nothing (to date) I have found to counter it.
I also found myself wholeheartedly agreeing with the comment on pets and how easy and exhilirating it is to find that no such barriers exist when showing my love for them by way of stroking and cuddling. But when transferred to humans, it seems to be a whole different kettle of fish.
I always suspected that my adoptive roots may have influenced my problems, but it is only recently that I have had the courage to actually identify this link. And the more I read on here, the more I am nodding, sympathising and wishfully hoping that a solution will become clear.
My problems were aggravated further by an instance of grooming that I underwent at the age of 14. It was a much older man and he was a psychologist who was an expert in manipulating younger, more naive people. The result was what at the time I felt was love, but what I now realise was on its way to being rape and abuse. I resent him vehemently but also cannot help but blame myself for being a willing participant at the time. This did not cause my intimacy problems because I had problems with showing and understanding my emotions and being able to relax from a very early age, but it certainly aggravated them and put me down a sorry road for a number of years where I was not willing to address what I now realise are very real and rather hurtful problems.
So, all in all, all of my attempts to date more suitable guys from the age of about 16 have been disastrous. I recently wondered if I was asexual because I just couldn't break down this intimacy barrier. But I definitely have a sexual and intimate desire in there somewhere. It is just extremely hard to get to, let alone to allow out to show others. And it seems to be happening again right now. Do I bite the bullet and just direct this guy to this post so he can understand my situation, or will he see that I have a number of deep-rooted issues and run a mile? It is a horrible predicament to, yet again, be hurled into - But life goes on as they say and if it means another rejection then I suppose I will just have to live with it. One day, I hope to overcome these problems, bit by bit, but I have no idea how long it will take or if, indeed, it will ever be successful!
To anyone who got this far, thanks so much for listening to my problems. I hope others can relate in part or in whole and any advice anyone feels they can offer will be more than appreciated!
Bye for now,
Alex
Alex, you were 14... you were not responsible for what happened. That psychologist should not be allowed to have access to young boys. Had what happened to you happened to a female, he would be in prison.
Also, the stereotypes are there, but I doubt if all gay men buy into the "lifestyle." No person, male or female, gay or straight, should feel forced to be sexually intimate.
As a bmom I really can't speak to the issues that men have as a result of adoption; my bson is a typical male - he doesn't talk much about his emotions (or maybe he's just his bdad's son, LOL). I do know (from what he and his aparents tell me) that his life has become much more settled since he met the woman who is now his wife. (Ironically I would say that the son I raised has had more intimacy problems than my bson.)
This is my first time posting here and reading here. I'm 24 and was adopted at the age of 2. I can say i feel alot like you, not knowing who you are, really. I was told early on i was adopted and it always stayed in the back of my head. For a long time it didn't seem to bother me, i never had a bad thought about it. Now that I'm getting older (not that 24 is old) Im thinking about it alot more. I suppose if I was honest with myself i'd say it's turning out to be an issue for me. I was put into foster care at birth and stayed there for a year or so than was adopted. I don't remember anything about my mother and have no info on my father. The fact that i don't know who I came from has played on my mind alot. I read the things you were saying, talking about how you have a hard time figuring out who you are. I can relate.
DRust...great post...not knowing who you are will sometimes control your adoption thoughts. I compare it to having a shadow that never speaks...some days it's barely noticeable, others it becomes demanding and requires a lot of attention.
All kinds of feelings as well as emotional ups and downs will come out. Adoption and the need to search and discover "more" has been described as a roller coaster. Not only are there emotional changes but also the built-in hurdles of fear of what you will find, as well as the possibility of rejection, etc. Some adoptees feel it is disloyal to search because it hurts the a-family.
All of those concerns are very personal and require a sorting out so they have meaning for you.
Should you decide to go forward and begin a search, registering with ISRR (international Soundex Reunion Registry) is a good start. The next step is to contact the clerk of the court where your adoption was finalized to see what information is available. There is no charge for that information and registry with ISRR is free as well.
I wish you the best.
Hi,
I've never done anything like this. I read your post and was struck by it hard. I am 32, adopted from birth, closed adoption catholic service etc. I have had some similar feelings. Not with intimacy or ability to love, but with anger, resentment, sadness, some emptiness. I still can't believe they have me away. I mean, I was a little blue eyed baby, and they gave me away? Those thoughts never have left. I've met both birth parents in my 20s like u did. Mom is cool, ultra sensitive. Father is removed, interested from afar but I get the feeling he's glad he's not a father so to speak. Still scared it seems. He was accepts blame for the whole thing, encouraged her to do it, unsupportive etc. I met him a bunch of times, hoped he'd want the job of being a dad, but alas, he's content following my life's achievements from afar. Staying away when I have "downs". Blowsy mind. My mother wrote the agency, the church and a lawyer to get me back a week or two after, but it was too late. They even gave her an option to take me back days after but she was alone, with no one, new city, no one knew in her fam, and she didn't take me. Then the guilt came and she fought like hell but lost. Too little to late. I still can't believe she let me go. I've know. For years I've been adopted, but I still feel sad. I lOve my adoptive parents, who even encourage me to have a relationship with the b parents. I mean their dysfunctional but I love them. I feel as though we're destined to always feel that emptiness man. I'm sorry, i just think it will always be there. As long as you share yourself, be vulnerable, we can get it back or fill it up with our own families. Try to meet someone who loves you and your vulnerable with. I think the pain can lesson with time, love, your own fam and kids, and a passionate intimate relationship with your mate. That's my take. I think about it all the time. We are worth something, we are beautiful people, they did what they thought was right at the time, and it hurts, but that doesn't mean we're not worthy of love. We all are. Believe it. Much love to all my adopted brothers and sisters. It's a journey isn't it? Can't have the good without the bad, the sweet without the sour. Good days or bad just keep trying. Sincerely,
PK
I'm a 24 year old adoptee and I've known about it for as long as I can remember. I've been re-reading the posts here today and I can't stop thinking about them. I think I honestly still don't know what I feel about my adoption or how it's affected me. Up until my most recent relationship I definitely had issues with intimacy. And even now, I have trouble really being open about how I feel and what is going on with me.
I was contacted by my birth parents just under a year ago. They reached out through a family member who found my information online. I spoke twice with that cousin, and she sent me their contact information. I haven't had any contact since. And I have no idea what to do. I feel really selfish and ungrateful because I know so many people desperately want what I've been handed. But prior to the contact I had never seriously considered searching for them. We're seperated by half the country so even if it was something I was interested in, a reunion isn't plausible at this time. The real problem is I don't know if that is something I want. I've always felt difficulty really feeling like I knew who I was and a deep sense of disconnect with other people because I couldn't talk about what being adopted was like. My adoptive parents are supportive and loving but I still feel distance from them. I think distance is the word that really characterizes how I feel.
I don't know, sorry if that was rambling or not on topic. I haven't really talked about this with anyone else but I felt compelled to share because maybe someone else understood. Thanks.
Cw, I'm sure that others who are adopted will respond to your post. I am a bmother of a man who is now forty. He was 32 when we "reunited". He told me at the time that had he been 18 or 25 when I contacted him through his parents, the contact would not have been as positively received. (This despite the fact that I found him only because HE had registered on this site.) I think you will find that not everyone is interested in connecting with their birth parents; there's a large continuum of normal responses. I sometimes wish it could be arranged that all adoptees who want to find birth parents had birth parents who want to find them and that those who are not interested were matched as well. It certainly would save a lot of hurt and pain. In your particular case, you might think consider whether you will ever need/want a more complete family health history. No matter how complete a birth parent history is at the time of birth, in the intervening years there may be changes.
Stop feeling selfish. Its not worth it. I was reunited with my bmom about 10 months ago. Ive had issues with my adoption since i was a little boy and it has affected my ability to have a normal relationship. Being reunited has not fixed or changed anything,but............it has allowed me to feel more comfortable opening up to the ppl that really matter in my life. My advice to you is to take whatever you can from this experience. Be selfish and do what makes you feel good. Dont worry about what anyone else may say or think. As an adoptee its your right to feel good.
Cw5092a
I'm a 24 year old adoptee and I've known about it for as long as I can remember. I've been re-reading the posts here today and I can't stop thinking about them. I think I honestly still don't know what I feel about my adoption or how it's affected me. Up until my most recent relationship I definitely had issues with intimacy. And even now, I have trouble really being open about how I feel and what is going on with me.
I was contacted by my birth parents just under a year ago. They reached out through a family member who found my information online. I spoke twice with that cousin, and she sent me their contact information. I haven't had any contact since. And I have no idea what to do. I feel really selfish and ungrateful because I know so many people desperately want what I've been handed. But prior to the contact I had never seriously considered searching for them. We're seperated by half the country so even if it was something I was interested in, a reunion isn't plausible at this time. The real problem is I don't know if that is something I want. I've always felt difficulty really feeling like I knew who I was and a deep sense of disconnect with other people because I couldn't talk about what being adopted was like. My adoptive parents are supportive and loving but I still feel distance from them. I think distance is the word that really characterizes how I feel.
Cw,
I get it. My story has a lot of similarities to yours. One thing I wondered about was you said your b-parents reached out through a family member about a year ago. I assume that you had the couple conversations with your cousin and then the decision was to just leave their contact info and the choice for further contact in your court? Just want to be sure I'm understanding the basics...
There are no hard fast rules to how you're supposed to feel. This is an odd situation to manage. As adoptees we have no idea who our birth parents are, and yet somehow there is some kind of connection. But they aren't really in the "parent" role because that's usually filled by our a-parents...so what are they? It's a lot to think about.
There's nothing that says you have to make contact with them, and if you do there's nothing that says what type of relationship you may want, or if you want a relationship at all. It is true that some people would give their eye teeth to have what you've been given, but that still doesn't mean there's any requirement of you one way or another.
Just a thought...if you decide this is a possible option for you, draft a letter to them, or an email if you have that address. Don't send it right away, but draft it and then walk away from it for a few days. Then go back and re-read and edit it as you need to. Repeat the process as often as you would like. Even if you never end up sending the message to them, it can help to get your thoughts, feelings and beliefs down somewhere you can see them rather than just to have them swimming around in your head. That in itself may help you decide how to proceed, or if to proceed.
Being in contact with them makes things more concrete and eliminates much of the wondering and uncertainty. There are no guarantees for how things may turn out, but it's a reasonably good sign that they reached out to you once. And although you may feel nervous, scared, or unsure about them I would guess that they have many of the same types of feelings on their side.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
Best,
PADJ
CW, there are many parts to all of us, not just adoptees.
I am an old male adoptee and all my life I have searched for answers.
The adoption as such, may have occurred under the best circumstances, but will still have lingering doubts that we have heard it all.
Some of this may be due to DNA.
All of us were given DNA by our b-parents and we function within that DNA. It is what makes us, us.
To be given Smith DNA by the b-parents, and then be adopted by the Johnson's will bring about attempts on the part of the adoptee, to integrate into the Johnson family climate and lifestyle, but there will be feelings of not relating 100%. In their own eyes, they may be classed as an "outsider."
The best analogy would be taking your Ford car to a Chevrolet dealership for repairs.
No Ford service was available and you were forced into that decision. But in the eyes of the mechanic performing the work, the Ford will never have the status of a chevrolet. Clearly, Ford DNA is different from Chevrolet.
If there are external influences such as early age abandonment, or a-parents alcoholism, or abuse, this adds additional areas of adoptee concerns and feelings of insecurity.
Those early feelings follow us into adulthood. Often we look for solutions, and some things help, but because of our early imprinting, they remain with us.
My RAD feelings are much less now than at age 6, but they are still noticeable.
Gradually there is an acceptance of what we have been given, regardless of how it happens.
In time, some of your feelings will change, other parts of you will have strong attachments to the past.
Try to be honest and give yourself the freedom to accept those feelings. Admit that "triggers" hurt -- sometimes demanding all your attention. In time they will fade and become less and less vivid, but they will nevertheless be lurking in the background.
These "triggers" shouldn't make you fearful, they are simply reminders of the pathway you came up. Accept them as that and be aware that often you can control many of those thoughts.
It helps to write your feelings. The journaling, (as it's called) is your story as it happened to you. It should share all your feelings related to events that were important. It is NOT to be critiqued or shared with anyone unless you are willing. It will take a while to write it, but in the end it will clear your head and you will be stronger -- certainly more able to fight the demons.
I wish you the best.
I can identify with you. I am a male that is adopted also. I am 39 years old and I am married for the second time. I have a lot of problems like you mentioned. I feel alone also even though I am with someone. I have always felt out of place in this world. I was adopted from Bogota, Colombia when I was a baby. I was raised in the United States Of America. I have just started my search for my biological mother and I am now 39 years old. I always wondered how to begin my search and now I start here on this site. I don't know if I will ever find my mom, but I will not stop until I find her. I would even just want to see a photo of her. I have anger problems towards people, but I do my best to control that. I was born in 1973 and that even makes things even more difficult for me to find my mom. I would like to find my dad also, but my mom is my main conscern. I have no anger towards my biological mom, but I just want to meet her. That will probably help me know more about me. I think I would feel more peace in my mind. I have intimacy problems also with my partners, like you do. So, I do understand what you are feeling. I am not sure myself on how to deal with these things. If you would like to talk to me, just leave me a message on here. Thanks.
Hello DaxDD, i am an american male adoptee sold into adoption when I was 5 months old. I have searched for my birth family for 55 years and have never found them.
There are search angels here on this site that are free. They will have access to international search angels that can help you.
Contact any of the search angels here and share your story with them. They will be able to guide you to a Columbian searcher.
The feelings you have of not belonging are often expressed by many adoptees. I have them and they have been with me since I was a child.
The adoption sentence will always be with us no matter what age we have. Even those b-moms who have searched for the children they gave up, will admit that even tho they found those children, that the re-union does not wash away the sentence of adoption.
If you wish to contact me and talk about adoption related problems, I will try to help you. Send me a pvt message here.
I wish you the best.
I would like to thank :thankyou: everybody in this thread for your honest sharings. It was very moving for me and eye openning to read the stories and innermost feelings of men who were adopted as babies/ children...
I, like emmak, am a girlfriend of a man who was adopted ( soon after birth) and displays all the typical symptoms. The major trait being that he doesnt display much :) he keeps a lot inside and is difficult to get close to, difficult to read.
Nevertheless our connection is so beautiful when he does let me close, that I have been hanging around him in this state of unintentional but frequent rejection by him, for 6 months now. I care about him deeply and have very strong feeling for him, which gradually forced me trying to understand him on deeper levels than he offered to me. He told me fairly early on that he was adopted but it took me until now to grasp what a serious impact that had on his psychology. I started to research adoption issues, bought the Primal Wound book, listenned to seminars, its all starting to make so much sense. This is how I realized that his unavailability/ lack of time to even respond to me by text messages/ extreme business/ preoccupation at work/ workaholism is just the layer on top of more deeper issues of insecurity that the adoptees tend to feel..
Finding this thread was very moving for me.. I recognize my much loved boyfriend's issues in many of your sharings... and in return, you have all helped me to understand him a lot better, to accept him, to not to take his behaviour personally, as a rejection, as a negative feedback on me. Ultimately, you are helping me not to give up on him.
:grouphug:
ok.... in return, I would like to share something with you if anyone feels drawn to this idea...
As the fav book suggests, adoption causes a "Primal wound" ... and those can take years of suffering and therapy to heal... perhaps they never do... but we have to try I guess. I myself carry some worthwhile primal wounding which sent me on the way of search of many healing modalities.
The one that I found to be very profound and effective, is something on the edges of the alternative medicine field but is gaining a strong popularity in certain circles. Its not for everybody as it really brings people into confrontation with the "skeletons in the cupboard", but it does it skillfully and effectively, in order to face and integrate them (yes the painfull feelings I am talking about)... :laundry:
So the issue of adoption I understand to be a psychological issue of the "Attachment" - bonding between the mother and child. In fact, its more than psychological, its neurological and biological, with a life long effect on the brain and internal biochemistry of the child. If this sound interesting, you might like to listen to this talk by Dr. Gabor Mate - its long and not specifically focused on adoption but you will get so much insight from it and adoption is repeatedly mentioned.
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKES1nyitAg]Dr. Gabor Maté: Attachment and Brain Development - YouTube[/url]
Then Id reccommend this article by the same expert, to indicate the healing modality I was talking about.
[url=http://larahentz.wordpress.com/2013/06/01/healing-trauma-with-ayahuasca-dr-gabor-mate/]healing trauma with ayahuasca: Dr. Gabor Mate | lara (author-blogger)[/url]
If this draws you, you could check out this facebook group to find out contact for ayahuasca therapy groups nearest to you.
[URL="https://www.facebook.com/groups/ayahuascaworld/?fref=ts"]https://www.facebook.com/groups/ayahuascaworld/?fref=ts[/URL]
You can post a question on the group, there is many people with lots of contacts in many countries.
This type of healing can really help with very deep seated and seemingly unresolvable issues and bring one much inner peace and resolution. I know, Im speaking from an experience of myself and many others Ive met.
Other than that, I wish all who shared and will share in this thread, to find and to hold, that missing link...connection..to the love which makes us whole :flowergift:
Later I began to re-examine her role in the situation when parts of different stories came together, like her going out and partying it up at state fair only one or two days after she handed me over to social services.
Things are never as they seem in adoptionland, in my view.
She may have been following social services typical instructions to 'get on with her life', and outwardly seem to be doing so. Inside may have been an entirely different story, as is often the case when people are in denial, or traumatised (which relinquishing mothers often are).
Often, it is only years later that a relinquishing mother can face the reality of what has happened. Please don't assume that what things look like on the outside are what's actually going on inside. Doing so may unecessarily hurt you into thinking she didn't care when she did.
Hey Rudder, glad you found the site. Welcome.
I too was adopted in the '30's. It was a different era than and public opinion was what fueled what happened in adoption circles.
Even married couples who were childless were suspect without the addition of children.
At some point, hopefully you will share your story.
I wish you the best.