adopted men

Hi, My research will be made available to all research participants ongoing. By that I mean, after interviews I would welcome sharing the typed transcript with you - which many people find quite nice to look at their own words on paper and often even helpful with things they are grappling with. I would also welcome check in with participants to see if my analysis of their words feels clear and truly representative of their experience. All particpants will also receive a copy of the final product if they would like to have that. If there are other suggests or ideas that you were thinking about that would be useful to you I am willing to consider just about anything always willing to hear you out. Thanks for your post and I hope to hear from any of you! Kindly, Amy

I found this post by googling adoption and intimacy. I was infant adopted. I'm a 56 year old male. I've had numerous gf's over time and two marriages the first of 18 years and the second of 7 years. I've been alone now for over 2 1/2 years. I have always been one who is a slave to trying to please women...in all circumstances. I've been looking at myself now for these years alone and I'm finding out some things from a lady-friend (NOT a gf) with whom I've been friends for over 2 years. We have become intimate as friends because she has taught me that I have no reason to fear her - she is NOT going anywhere Having always had feelings of inadequacy and inferiority; intimacy and tactile demonstrations of affection have always been difficult for me. I relate to animals especially dogs and cats far more readily than I do humans. I have a female rottie/shepherd mix and I was with my last girlfriend. I was stroking the dog's neck and head repeatedly and my gf said "I wish I was that dog." I thought she was kidding. She had to tell me later that she was dead serious when she said it. My a-family was not very huggy/kissy. Highland Scots and Norwegians. My a-mom was inaffectionate but my dad was verbally so. It is natural, as I said for me to be affectionate with an animal...tactile. It comes straight from the heart like a knee-jerk reaction. It is unnatural for me to be physically affectionate with people...I force myself or I have to think about it first. I think I have striven to please women in the past (and failed ultimately - see my track record above) because of the rejection I first experienced from my b-mom. Apparently I spent the first 10 weeks of my life crying constantly (and not due to colic or other physicalities) per the hospital's info to my a-parents. I think I have always had subconscious feelings of worthlessness because somehow, I displeased my b-mom and she gave me away, (1950's unwed mom social stigma notwithstanding.) I suppose I have never forgiven her though I've tried over and over. It keeps presenting itself as a costly issue for me. Ultimately, I have seen all my relations with women as fear-based on one level or another due to potential rejection or anger from them. The exception being my friend whom I mentioned above. There is a fearlessness with her that has led me to true intimacy with another person...another female. It is strange and different from any other relationship I've had with a woman. I had feelings for her on a romantic level right away with our first meeting but they have not been returned - only friendship. Ordinarily, I would have warped on outta there right away but I didn't and that to me was very strange...simply put, she didn't reject me as a person...just doesn't want me as a lover...and that has been OK. She has been instrumental in helping to point out deficiencies she sees with my blessing and without forming an attack. One thing that she has seen is that I try and solve everything interpersonal with my mind instead of my heart. My heart seems defective - something's missing and it needs healing. I've been trying to heal the doggone thing for years I can't count. I give up. Sorry about talk of the Divine, here if it bothers you, folks but it seems I'm gonna need that sort of help to get past this and to heal the beginning hurt so that the rest will fall, over time, like dominoes...assuming I have that much time. Thanks for letting me post here and for reading. The dump was cathartic.

We met in HS and there was this instant chemistry. I knew he was adopted but he never talked about it. We lost sight of each for several years but are now back together. I find that he doesn't open up hardly at all. I'm a firm believer in giving and receiving affection but he's very reserved. Words of love don't come easy to him. Sometimes I don't want to say to him "I love you" because I know he'll feel bad about not being able to say it back. It's been 10 months already of ups and downs but I love him and I know he loves me. How can I reassure him that I'm there for him and I'm not going anywhere, and that my feelings for him are genuine and permanent?

I am an male adoptee. I was adopted in 1935. Adoption was during a period when it was ok to sell children into adoption. Wealthy childless couples found the Black Market as a means to buy a child. There were no home studies and few questions.The waiting time was short and there were only a few requirements. Couples had only to wait until a child was available, and bring money. My a-family bought 2 children. The hype of the day was that the adopting parents could offer a child more opportunities and a better life style than the parents giving up the child.Society in general considered the mothers as low class and the child as feeble minded. Adoptions were for the most part, closed. Mothers were expected to forget they ever gave up a child, and the child was expected to grow into a loving, responsible member of society, forever grateful to the adopting parents for their kindness and concern.It was sold as a nice neat package. No one considered the ongoing problems for the adoptees. There was little concern given to the ongoing devastation of the child. In the eyes of many, the child was a possession and would forever remain under the care of the parents. The children were expected to be grateful to the adopting parents for saving them from a life on the streets, or the dark secrets of orphanages.Adoption now in terms of adoptees, is still a life long sentence. For many of us there are gaps in our head. We cant identify them or open them to see what's inside. Additionally, it is possible to have feelings of grief and loss and not be aware that we are grieving. A part of the adoption shadow that never speaks.The attempts at attachments seem to fail because the underlying parts of adoption that we can identify seem to come together and are a constant reminder. We know we are different "from"...not, "better than"...not, "unique" simply unable to relate to people on the same level...we remain an acquaintance but not really a peer, and we cant integrate 100% with people. In my a-family I was an outsider and those feelings remain not only with them, but to most other people as well.I have rarely shared my adoption story. My reasons are simple. First, I never thought anyone was interested, and secondly, people who have never experienced a deep emotional feeling will have trouble relating. Its easy to tell when this happens, because a glassy look appears, and it's plain you have lost them.It takes a long time to get to to a point of marriage and there are many variations of feelings involved in marriage. Additionally, a way that I used to fix my head and begin to put my adoption into a more minor aspect of my life was to do journaling. This brought together all the life long pieces of grief and loss and provided a sense of strength. It ended a large number of conflicts in my head and I was able to understand my adoption feelings more clearly.I wish you the best,

Thank you for sharing your story. It's so moving. I didn't know it was possible to sell children into adoption. This is a very new subject to me. I've known people who have adopted or wanted to adopt, but never thought about the child's side of the picture. I have asked my companion to relate his adoption story once, but he was very reluctant to talk about it so I didn't press the subject. I know his adoptive family. I was in class with his adoptive sister who's also adopted. Four years ago, his adoptive mother died in an accident. I know that must have been an ordeal but again he didn't want to talk about it. It all boils down to this: I know very little about this man apart from his name, age, and profession. Our mutual history together. His likes and dislikes. You're going to tell me that's plenty already, right? He's intensely private and I respect that. I just want to know what makes him tick. I don't believe he has any psychological problems. He's a well-adjusted and educated person. I feel secure in our relationship because my instinct tells me so. He knows my feelings for him are constant and immutable. I'm reading up about adopted adults in hope of finding a key to him. However, I know that he won't share his story with me until he is ready. I'm OK with that. We have our whole life ahead of us, and I'm not going anywhere. In the meantime, we're happy in our day-to-day life. I ask him what he wants for dinner; he reads me my horoscope from the paper. But often, after we turn out the light, I watch him sleep and wonder, "Who is that next to me?"

emmak...thanx for the comments. I enjoyed your story regarding the sharing of your relationship.In terms of the sharing of an adoption story, this requires a commitment at several levels. There are a number of fears and concerns related to whether or not the adoptees commitment is strong enough to withstand sharing a somewhat painful experience. Also, there is a requirement that the adoption story include the adoptee follow-up in the relationship with the a-family. This type of sharing takes time and in some cases a level of healing, to come to terms with those past experiences.Some adoptees find it very painful to share the details of their lives related to the adoption process. There are concerns involved with what their status will be after they have shared intimate details of their lives. Others feel, this is a private secret and it cant be shared.A life story is not an open book to be read casually. There are always some pieces of lifetime experiences that remain private and unshared.When my adoption secret was shared at age 7, I understood that I was suspect, tainted, and an outsider. Those labels I accepted. But the adoption status was overwhelming. I believed I was permanently sentenced to being an outsider and had only second class status.Adoption, regardless of the age it is enacted, is a lifelong, deep, emotional experience. Adoption for me was in a different era. Now there is a greater freedom to share lifes more intimate details.I cant speak for the adoption feelings of your companion, but he will have many of the same linking to the feelings of all adoptees. The only major differences will be the percentage of space that his adoption experience occupies in his head and the relationship he had with his a-family.There are a couple of books that have made a large contribution to the understanding of the adoption experience. The first is "Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier, and a book dealing with women giving up children for adoption is "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler.If your companion wants to share any adoption experiences or chat in regards to adoption, he can private me and I will respond.I wish you the best.

HI im a 33 yr old adoptee, very touched by all the posts here on this thread, left me in quite an emotional state. I think I've been in denial for years and its only now I am starting to realise the affect adoption has had on my life. I also was adopted soon after birth. I always knew something was different about me, I used to day dream "what would I do if my parents werent my real parents" although at this time I didnt know I was adopted. I found out through chance from a schoolmate at 12yrs old....this turned my world upside down and led me on a path of retaliation. My adopted father was strict, my mother was not so much. I resented them badly, turned to alcohol and left school aged 16 with good grades, something I kick myself about now. For 9 years we never spoke. I had 1 relationship this quickly fell apart, then another aged 18 and I am still with the woman 14 years on. It has been a rollercoaster but she helped me realise drink was not the answer, we have 4 great children (1 a stepchild whos coming up for 15yrs old) In the 14 years, Ive let her walk all over me literally, Im scared of change, cannot make a decision, stopped watching TV as I cry at most things, especially father son things. About 5 years ago I started speakign to my adoptive parents again, My mother is remorseful for the way my father treated me as an outsider... That awful day he handed me my adoption papers saying "this is who you belong to now" I still have the papers, want to find my bmom, bdad, my sister and possibly more siblings. The forst 3-4 years were fine, sure he was a difficult man to deal with, but since last november he has stopped my amom from seeing her grandchildren, and has made it clear he is not interested in them or me. My amom and myself both agree is due to me not being "blood" which...has affected me quite a bit. Confusion is a big part of my life, Im sorry for the kind of rambling way Ive put this together but ive just put it as it came out, and gave a basic description to respond to the first poster. In time I hope I can relay my thoughts and feelings better. For whats its worth, my partner, Im fond of her, shes my childrens mother, but I truly cannot say I love her, I've never really loved a woman from memory. My children however, they are my world I love them with all my heart and I think having them at a young age have helped me stay away from alcohol addiciton etc. Again apologies for the ramblings, I think the worst thing has been, up till finding this board, dealing with all of this inside my own head, and as another poster says, having no identity, who am I? Regards WeeMark

Drywall, thanks for the book recommendation. I had heard of it and will read it. I've got "The lifelong search for self" on order at Amazon. Is it common that men who were adopted require a lot of security but don't give it readily? Sometimes I will go through a bout of insecurity and need his reassurance that he's there and he loves me. This is rare, and sometimes I think he's reluctant to show it even if he feels it. I grew up in a very affectionate family, very "touchy-feely" and generous with words of affection. I've put a cap on that with him because I sense that he's uncomfortable with it.Weemark, keep talking and maybe your thoughts will give you some direction. When I don't understand something, I ramble on paper. Just getting it off your chest is good; it clears the mind. My companion had 2 or 3 relationships that didn't last very long and was in a bad marriage for several years. The only thing he truly loves is his son, who is the world to him. I think that's wonderful, to have that bonding with his child; it's probably something he never had.Emma

Emma...in answering generally, all of us are products of the experiences in our lives. Children who have been through very rough times in their early years have learned to cope and hide their feelings. They wait to see what the outcome of a situation will be. They have learned a form of self protection that saves them from experiencing the deep drop tied to high hopes, and then falling into the feelings of only grief and loss.As adults they may recognize a need to provide support, understanding and security in a relationship, but often memories of past experiences come to the forefront. As a result, they are often unable to get over the wall that keeps them separate from providing the needed emotional security in personal relationships. It doesn't mean that they care less, it is only that for them, it is difficult to display feelings of affection, strength and security. In some cases they will give only portions of themselves. In this way there is protection against hurtful times should things not go well.People who have grown up with the freedom to allow their lives to unfold as they will, seem to be less reserved in terms of sharing their feelings. They are more open and readily give more of themselves. They have fewer trust issues and seem to hold less of themselves in reserve.I wish you the best.

Dear Drywall ~ in those two paragraphs, you just described what took me 10 months to suspect. Thank you for your confirmation. This means that I have to hang in there even when he withdraws inside himself. It's all just a defense mechanism, isn't it? But then how do the companions of these men get comfort and security? Within ourselves too? We have to rely on ourselves or find some other means of reassurance? Emma

Hi everyone, I'd like to start by saying how thankful I am to have finally come across others in a similar situation to myself. Your stories are moving and inspirational and I have been unusually in agreement with many points made. I write this as somebody who has just yesterday evening undergone yet another blow to a potential relationship because of my problems with intimacy. As we are only at the dating stage of our (hopeful) relationship, I am not yet willing to open up and share lots of details about why I am having problems with this guy - It is in fact very hard for me to find the balance between how long I can sustain his interest and how little I can explain so early on. I have found myself in this situation in pretty much every attempt I have had in forming a relationship with someone. I am a 20 year old gay man from the UK, currently studying modern languages at university. I was adopted from Romania as a baby from an orphanage and I have very little idea about my birth-origins and geneaology but until now I have not been very forthcoming in relating this to my problems with intimacy. Being gay adds another cruel twist to things. I'd like to reinforce that I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality itself so I know the issue is not coming from this and although in the past I was forced to question whether I was lying to myself about this, I really do feel that is not the case. Anyway, as gay men here in the UK and maybe elsewhere are very stereotyped, it is hard enough as it is reunite this with being who I want to be as well. The worst trait of the stereotype I find is that gay men as 'supposed to be' rather promiscuous and sex is supposedly a very key ingredient to many gay relationships. This makes my situation almost unbearable due to the fact that as I start to feel problems of intimacy I feel I am not only letting the guy down that I am dating but also going against the grain of a whole culture of people (which is a very big pill to swallow.) This links in quite nicely with some of the themes of fear of rejection and paranoia as to what others may be thinking of you. Together the effect is very much a snowball that gets worse the harder I try to correct it. A previous forum user described the feeling well when he said that it is his mind that does all the thinking in the relationship, never his heart. I would dearly love to be able to let myself go, relax and enjoy the process of showing my physical affection for someone that I am keenly enjoying getting to know in an intellectual and spiritual sense - But the barriers come firmly down and there's nothing (to date) I have found to counter it. I also found myself wholeheartedly agreeing with the comment on pets and how easy and exhilirating it is to find that no such barriers exist when showing my love for them by way of stroking and cuddling. But when transferred to humans, it seems to be a whole different kettle of fish. I always suspected that my adoptive roots may have influenced my problems, but it is only recently that I have had the courage to actually identify this link. And the more I read on here, the more I am nodding, sympathising and wishfully hoping that a solution will become clear. My problems were aggravated further by an instance of grooming that I underwent at the age of 14. It was a much older man and he was a psychologist who was an expert in manipulating younger, more naive people. The result was what at the time I felt was love, but what I now realise was on its way to being rape and abuse. I resent him vehemently but also cannot help but blame myself for being a willing participant at the time. This did not cause my intimacy problems because I had problems with showing and understanding my emotions and being able to relax from a very early age, but it certainly aggravated them and put me down a sorry road for a number of years where I was not willing to address what I now realise are very real and rather hurtful problems. So, all in all, all of my attempts to date more suitable guys from the age of about 16 have been disastrous. I recently wondered if I was asexual because I just couldn't break down this intimacy barrier. But I definitely have a sexual and intimate desire in there somewhere. It is just extremely hard to get to, let alone to allow out to show others. And it seems to be happening again right now. Do I bite the bullet and just direct this guy to this post so he can understand my situation, or will he see that I have a number of deep-rooted issues and run a mile? It is a horrible predicament to, yet again, be hurled into - But life goes on as they say and if it means another rejection then I suppose I will just have to live with it. One day, I hope to overcome these problems, bit by bit, but I have no idea how long it will take or if, indeed, it will ever be successful! To anyone who got this far, thanks so much for listening to my problems. I hope others can relate in part or in whole and any advice anyone feels they can offer will be more than appreciated! Bye for now, Alex

Alex, you were 14... you were not responsible for what happened. That psychologist should not be allowed to have access to young boys. Had what happened to you happened to a female, he would be in prison. Also, the stereotypes are there, but I doubt if all gay men buy into the "lifestyle." No person, male or female, gay or straight, should feel forced to be sexually intimate. As a bmom I really can't speak to the issues that men have as a result of adoption; my bson is a typical male - he doesn't talk much about his emotions (or maybe he's just his bdad's son, LOL). I do know (from what he and his aparents tell me) that his life has become much more settled since he met the woman who is now his wife. (Ironically I would say that the son I raised has had more intimacy problems than my bson.)

This is my first time posting here and reading here. I'm 24 and was adopted at the age of 2. I can say i feel alot like you, not knowing who you are, really. I was told early on i was adopted and it always stayed in the back of my head. For a long time it didn't seem to bother me, i never had a bad thought about it. Now that I'm getting older (not that 24 is old) Im thinking about it alot more. I suppose if I was honest with myself i'd say it's turning out to be an issue for me. I was put into foster care at birth and stayed there for a year or so than was adopted. I don't remember anything about my mother and have no info on my father. The fact that i don't know who I came from has played on my mind alot. I read the things you were saying, talking about how you have a hard time figuring out who you are. I can relate.

DRust...great post...not knowing who you are will sometimes control your adoption thoughts. I compare it to having a shadow that never speaks...some days it's barely noticeable, others it becomes demanding and requires a lot of attention.All kinds of feelings as well as emotional ups and downs will come out. Adoption and the need to search and discover "more" has been described as a roller coaster. Not only are there emotional changes but also the built-in hurdles of fear of what you will find, as well as the possibility of rejection, etc. Some adoptees feel it is disloyal to search because it hurts the a-family.All of those concerns are very personal and require a sorting out so they have meaning for you.Should you decide to go forward and begin a search, registering with ISRR (international Soundex Reunion Registry) is a good start. The next step is to contact the clerk of the court where your adoption was finalized to see what information is available. There is no charge for that information and registry with ISRR is free as well.I wish you the best.

Hi, I've never done anything like this. I read your post and was struck by it hard. I am 32, adopted from birth, closed adoption catholic service etc. I have had some similar feelings. Not with intimacy or ability to love, but with anger, resentment, sadness, some emptiness. I still can't believe they have me away. I mean, I was a little blue eyed baby, and they gave me away? Those thoughts never have left. I've met both birth parents in my 20s like u did. Mom is cool, ultra sensitive. Father is removed, interested from afar but I get the feeling he's glad he's not a father so to speak. Still scared it seems. He was accepts blame for the whole thing, encouraged her to do it, unsupportive etc. I met him a bunch of times, hoped he'd want the job of being a dad, but alas, he's content following my life's achievements from afar. Staying away when I have "downs". Blowsy mind. My mother wrote the agency, the church and a lawyer to get me back a week or two after, but it was too late. They even gave her an option to take me back days after but she was alone, with no one, new city, no one knew in her fam, and she didn't take me. Then the guilt came and she fought like hell but lost. Too little to late. I still can't believe she let me go. I've know. For years I've been adopted, but I still feel sad. I lOve my adoptive parents, who even encourage me to have a relationship with the b parents. I mean their dysfunctional but I love them. I feel as though we're destined to always feel that emptiness man. I'm sorry, i just think it will always be there. As long as you share yourself, be vulnerable, we can get it back or fill it up with our own families. Try to meet someone who loves you and your vulnerable with. I think the pain can lesson with time, love, your own fam and kids, and a passionate intimate relationship with your mate. That's my take. I think about it all the time. We are worth something, we are beautiful people, they did what they thought was right at the time, and it hurts, but that doesn't mean we're not worthy of love. We all are. Believe it. Much love to all my adopted brothers and sisters. It's a journey isn't it? Can't have the good without the bad, the sweet without the sour. Good days or bad just keep trying. Sincerely, PK