adopted men

I'm a 24 year old adoptee and I've known about it for as long as I can remember. I've been re-reading the posts here today and I can't stop thinking about them. I think I honestly still don't know what I feel about my adoption or how it's affected me. Up until my most recent relationship I definitely had issues with intimacy. And even now, I have trouble really being open about how I feel and what is going on with me. I was contacted by my birth parents just under a year ago. They reached out through a family member who found my information online. I spoke twice with that cousin, and she sent me their contact information. I haven't had any contact since. And I have no idea what to do. I feel really selfish and ungrateful because I know so many people desperately want what I've been handed. But prior to the contact I had never seriously considered searching for them. We're seperated by half the country so even if it was something I was interested in, a reunion isn't plausible at this time. The real problem is I don't know if that is something I want. I've always felt difficulty really feeling like I knew who I was and a deep sense of disconnect with other people because I couldn't talk about what being adopted was like. My adoptive parents are supportive and loving but I still feel distance from them. I think distance is the word that really characterizes how I feel. I don't know, sorry if that was rambling or not on topic. I haven't really talked about this with anyone else but I felt compelled to share because maybe someone else understood. Thanks.

Cw, I'm sure that others who are adopted will respond to your post. I am a bmother of a man who is now forty. He was 32 when we "reunited". He told me at the time that had he been 18 or 25 when I contacted him through his parents, the contact would not have been as positively received. (This despite the fact that I found him only because HE had registered on this site.) I think you will find that not everyone is interested in connecting with their birth parents; there's a large continuum of normal responses. I sometimes wish it could be arranged that all adoptees who want to find birth parents had birth parents who want to find them and that those who are not interested were matched as well. It certainly would save a lot of hurt and pain. In your particular case, you might think consider whether you will ever need/want a more complete family health history. No matter how complete a birth parent history is at the time of birth, in the intervening years there may be changes.

Stop feeling selfish. Its not worth it. I was reunited with my bmom about 10 months ago. Ive had issues with my adoption since i was a little boy and it has affected my ability to have a normal relationship. Being reunited has not fixed or changed anything,but............it has allowed me to feel more comfortable opening up to the ppl that really matter in my life. My advice to you is to take whatever you can from this experience. Be selfish and do what makes you feel good. Dont worry about what anyone else may say or think. As an adoptee its your right to feel good.

Cw, I get it. My story has a lot of similarities to yours. One thing I wondered about was you said your b-parents reached out through a family member about a year ago. I assume that you had the couple conversations with your cousin and then the decision was to just leave their contact info and the choice for further contact in your court? Just want to be sure I'm understanding the basics... There are no hard fast rules to how you're supposed to feel. This is an odd situation to manage. As adoptees we have no idea who our birth parents are, and yet somehow there is some kind of connection. But they aren't really in the "parent" role because that's usually filled by our a-parents...so what are they? It's a lot to think about. There's nothing that says you have to make contact with them, and if you do there's nothing that says what type of relationship you may want, or if you want a relationship at all. It is true that some people would give their eye teeth to have what you've been given, but that still doesn't mean there's any requirement of you one way or another. Just a thought...if you decide this is a possible option for you, draft a letter to them, or an email if you have that address. Don't send it right away, but draft it and then walk away from it for a few days. Then go back and re-read and edit it as you need to. Repeat the process as often as you would like. Even if you never end up sending the message to them, it can help to get your thoughts, feelings and beliefs down somewhere you can see them rather than just to have them swimming around in your head. That in itself may help you decide how to proceed, or if to proceed. Being in contact with them makes things more concrete and eliminates much of the wondering and uncertainty. There are no guarantees for how things may turn out, but it's a reasonably good sign that they reached out to you once. And although you may feel nervous, scared, or unsure about them I would guess that they have many of the same types of feelings on their side. Good luck, and let us know how it goes! Best, PADJ

CW, there are many parts to all of us, not just adoptees.I am an old male adoptee and all my life I have searched for answers.The adoption as such, may have occurred under the best circumstances, but will still have lingering doubts that we have heard it all.Some of this may be due to DNA. All of us were given DNA by our b-parents and we function within that DNA. It is what makes us, us.To be given Smith DNA by the b-parents, and then be adopted by the Johnson's will bring about attempts on the part of the adoptee, to integrate into the Johnson family climate and lifestyle, but there will be feelings of not relating 100%. In their own eyes, they may be classed as an "outsider."The best analogy would be taking your Ford car to a Chevrolet dealership for repairs. No Ford service was available and you were forced into that decision. But in the eyes of the mechanic performing the work, the Ford will never have the status of a chevrolet. Clearly, Ford DNA is different from Chevrolet.If there are external influences such as early age abandonment, or a-parents alcoholism, or abuse, this adds additional areas of adoptee concerns and feelings of insecurity.Those early feelings follow us into adulthood. Often we look for solutions, and some things help, but because of our early imprinting, they remain with us.My RAD feelings are much less now than at age 6, but they are still noticeable.Gradually there is an acceptance of what we have been given, regardless of how it happens.In time, some of your feelings will change, other parts of you will have strong attachments to the past.Try to be honest and give yourself the freedom to accept those feelings. Admit that "triggers" hurt -- sometimes demanding all your attention. In time they will fade and become less and less vivid, but they will nevertheless be lurking in the background.These "triggers" shouldn't make you fearful, they are simply reminders of the pathway you came up. Accept them as that and be aware that often you can control many of those thoughts.It helps to write your feelings. The journaling, (as it's called) is your story as it happened to you. It should share all your feelings related to events that were important. It is NOT to be critiqued or shared with anyone unless you are willing. It will take a while to write it, but in the end it will clear your head and you will be stronger -- certainly more able to fight the demons.I wish you the best.

I can identify with you. I am a male that is adopted also. I am 39 years old and I am married for the second time. I have a lot of problems like you mentioned. I feel alone also even though I am with someone. I have always felt out of place in this world. I was adopted from Bogota, Colombia when I was a baby. I was raised in the United States Of America. I have just started my search for my biological mother and I am now 39 years old. I always wondered how to begin my search and now I start here on this site. I don't know if I will ever find my mom, but I will not stop until I find her. I would even just want to see a photo of her. I have anger problems towards people, but I do my best to control that. I was born in 1973 and that even makes things even more difficult for me to find my mom. I would like to find my dad also, but my mom is my main conscern. I have no anger towards my biological mom, but I just want to meet her. That will probably help me know more about me. I think I would feel more peace in my mind. I have intimacy problems also with my partners, like you do. So, I do understand what you are feeling. I am not sure myself on how to deal with these things. If you would like to talk to me, just leave me a message on here. Thanks.

Hello DaxDD, i am an american male adoptee sold into adoption when I was 5 months old. I have searched for my birth family for 55 years and have never found them.There are search angels here on this site that are free. They will have access to international search angels that can help you.Contact any of the search angels here and share your story with them. They will be able to guide you to a Columbian searcher.The feelings you have of not belonging are often expressed by many adoptees. I have them and they have been with me since I was a child. The adoption sentence will always be with us no matter what age we have. Even those b-moms who have searched for the children they gave up, will admit that even tho they found those children, that the re-union does not wash away the sentence of adoption.If you wish to contact me and talk about adoption related problems, I will try to help you. Send me a pvt message here.I wish you the best.

I would like to thank :thankyou: everybody in this thread for your honest sharings. It was very moving for me and eye openning to read the stories and innermost feelings of men who were adopted as babies/ children... I, like emmak, am a girlfriend of a man who was adopted ( soon after birth) and displays all the typical symptoms. The major trait being that he doesnt display much :) he keeps a lot inside and is difficult to get close to, difficult to read. Nevertheless our connection is so beautiful when he does let me close, that I have been hanging around him in this state of unintentional but frequent rejection by him, for 6 months now. I care about him deeply and have very strong feeling for him, which gradually forced me trying to understand him on deeper levels than he offered to me. He told me fairly early on that he was adopted but it took me until now to grasp what a serious impact that had on his psychology. I started to research adoption issues, bought the Primal Wound book, listenned to seminars, its all starting to make so much sense. This is how I realized that his unavailability/ lack of time to even respond to me by text messages/ extreme business/ preoccupation at work/ workaholism is just the layer on top of more deeper issues of insecurity that the adoptees tend to feel.. Finding this thread was very moving for me.. I recognize my much loved boyfriend's issues in many of your sharings... and in return, you have all helped me to understand him a lot better, to accept him, to not to take his behaviour personally, as a rejection, as a negative feedback on me. Ultimately, you are helping me not to give up on him. :grouphug: ok.... in return, I would like to share something with you if anyone feels drawn to this idea... As the fav book suggests, adoption causes a "Primal wound" ... and those can take years of suffering and therapy to heal... perhaps they never do... but we have to try I guess. I myself carry some worthwhile primal wounding which sent me on the way of search of many healing modalities. The one that I found to be very profound and effective, is something on the edges of the alternative medicine field but is gaining a strong popularity in certain circles. Its not for everybody as it really brings people into confrontation with the "skeletons in the cupboard", but it does it skillfully and effectively, in order to face and integrate them (yes the painfull feelings I am talking about)... :laundry: So the issue of adoption I understand to be a psychological issue of the "Attachment" - bonding between the mother and child. In fact, its more than psychological, its neurological and biological, with a life long effect on the brain and internal biochemistry of the child. If this sound interesting, you might like to listen to this talk by Dr. Gabor Mate - its long and not specifically focused on adoption but you will get so much insight from it and adoption is repeatedly mentioned. [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKES1nyitAg]Dr. Gabor Maté: Attachment and Brain Development - YouTube[/url] Then Id reccommend this article by the same expert, to indicate the healing modality I was talking about. [url=http://larahentz.wordpress.com/2013/06/01/healing-trauma-with-ayahuasca-dr-gabor-mate/]healing trauma with ayahuasca: Dr. Gabor Mate | lara (author-blogger)[/url] If this draws you, you could check out this facebook group to find out contact for ayahuasca therapy groups nearest to you. [URL="https://www.facebook.com/groups/ayahuascaworld/?fref=ts"]https://www.facebook.com/groups/ayahuascaworld/?fref=ts[/URL] You can post a question on the group, there is many people with lots of contacts in many countries. This type of healing can really help with very deep seated and seemingly unresolvable issues and bring one much inner peace and resolution. I know, Im speaking from an experience of myself and many others Ive met. Other than that, I wish all who shared and will share in this thread, to find and to hold, that missing link...connection..to the love which makes us whole :flowergift:

Things are never as they seem in adoptionland, in my view. She may have been following social services typical instructions to 'get on with her life', and outwardly seem to be doing so. Inside may have been an entirely different story, as is often the case when people are in denial, or traumatised (which relinquishing mothers often are). Often, it is only years later that a relinquishing mother can face the reality of what has happened. Please don't assume that what things look like on the outside are what's actually going on inside. Doing so may unecessarily hurt you into thinking she didn't care when she did.

Hey Rudder, glad you found the site. Welcome. I too was adopted in the '30's. It was a different era than and public opinion was what fueled what happened in adoption circles. Even married couples who were childless were suspect without the addition of children. At some point, hopefully you will share your story. I wish you the best.