.... I thought by now I would have my adoption in perspective, but I don’t. I struggle with being adopted. ...When growing up I had identity issues. ...I met my birth family ...and it did help. ...However now I’m stuck. ..Well now I’m in my late 30s. I’ve never been married. I’m alone. I feel like I’m here, but not really here. I feel like I’m going through the motions of life, but not participating in life. ...Do men who were put up for adoption as kids have intimacy issues? ...
First off I must say I have no knowledge of adopted men, being as I'm the adoptive mom of a girl.
I'm replying to your post because I happen to be reading a book about parenting teens and it talks about identify formation and says not having consolidated one's identity can cause intimacy problems, I'll quote the book (except the book alternates gender pronouns and I'll just change them all to 'he'):
"...All of that frenetic and seemingly insane behavior of trying everything and keeping nothing the same is actually the most critical challenge of your kid's teenage years....Indentity formation..is a process by which your kid tries on a thousand different hats to see how they feel, to see if any of them seem to reflect who he is....If this seems foreign to you [parents], be comforted in knowing that in the old days, many of us don't recall having had the time for identity crises. We were too busy just trying to stay alive or earn money for college. The fact is that many of us who didn't complete that adolescent process when we were teens ended up going through this chaos at 30 or 40. Sooner or later, we all have to figure out who we are ....Identity formation is critical because everything that follows in your child's life hinges on the successful completion of this process. In short, knowing who you are is the key to all else that is good in life..when identity is formed (or consolidated, as we like to say)..wonderful things begin to happen. Life looks much more positive and exciting. Levels of energy rise. Challenges are gifts to be eagerly sought after and mastered..frustrations become minor annoyances..drives for impersonal sex become lusts for true intimacy and commitment. Self-serving behaviors transform into healthy needs to serve others.... [Incomplete identity formation can cause] a lifetime of terrible identity pain with consequences that can include intimacy problems, relationship failures, multiple divorces, broken homes for his children, depression, anxiety, poor career choices, and so on."
Editing to say the name of the book is 'Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!' by Bradley