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I posted this on the tail end of another thread, but based on the couple of responses I got, I think people are thinking I am in a fostering situation trying to decide if we should move our daughter to be with her sister or vice versa....so I thought I would try to post here.
In a nutshell, our situation with our new daughter, M, is this: We are adopting her from Foster Care. The FM wanted to adopt her but is elderly (among some personality issues) & was denied - this is not the first time she was turned down to adopt a FC. She treated me very disrespectfully & was very passive/agressive & unhelpful, trying to sabotage the adoption instead of helping with the transition (for M's sake if nothing else, but she couldn't even do that), etc. during our month long visit period. M has now been home a little over a month.
M has a half-sister, A, who is 12, that we would like to have visits with. We absolutely do not want to visit with the FM as we think it would be very confusing & detrimental to M. The caveat is that the FM is A's paternal grandmother & A is living with her birthfather. (the FM is not related to our daughter at all)
OK, so based on that background - We have felt some pressure to have visits with both FM & A by CSB. I have stood my ground & said we will not have visits with FM (which was her own fault based on how she acted as we originally wanted to remain close), but I would gladly send her pics & letters (which I did). FM, however, has called CSB & wants to see M. I don't know what they've told her, but I have a feeling they've led her on as they are all afraid of her (seriously). Beside the fact that a former FP has no right to ask to see a FC after they are gone, we said all along we would not agree to that based on her treatment of me during the visitation period.
A has had a very hard time with the adoption. She believes that we will abuse M & even stole her lifebook to prevent the adoption from happening. I would almost bet my life that no one in that family told her otherwise. So, I did write her, too, & send a pic letting her know that we love M & are taking care of her. I also said that we had some special kid's services at church coming up in June & maybe she could come & see M there.
When I presented that possibility to the adoption worker, she agreed that this would be perfect, esp. as a first visit. Then she made the comment that FM would be glad to see her. So I said that I was talking about having A come to see M at the church, not FM. And she said oh yes, but I'm sure FM will be the one bringing her because she will want to see her, too.
So, am I wrong in being upset about that? We are really not sure how visits with A will go - if it will trigger flashbacks, if she will be antogonistic toward us, if her dad brings her (the FM's son) - will he be nasty, etc. We do not think it is in M's best interest to see the FM & to see both of them at the same time for the first time since moving, would be extremely hard, I think.
Now, I don't know what to do.....I'm not sure why they all think it would be ok for the FM to assume she's invited when that was never stated & for CSB to think that would be fine when I've said clearly why I don't want visits with her. The adoption worker even encouraged me to send the church info to the FM to pass along to A & I said no, I would send it directly to A.
Sorry this got so long - there are other issues also concerning M being very afraid to go back to the FM's house, etc. that make me think it is a very bad idea to visit with her.
What would you all do in this situation??? I'm unsure if/how I should fight this....and in the end, I guess it's possible that FM wouldn't even show up, but I want to be prepared just in case.
Thanks for your help.
Oh, there are also racial issues involved, too, as the FM was not happy that we are white....
Thanks!
Beth
DS S-19
DS J-17
DS J-14
DS E-10
AD E-2 Guatemala
Soon to be AD M-3
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Ok... so the girls share the same bmom but have different bdads? A is 12yrs old and lives with her Dad. M is 3yrs old and lives with you. It also sounds like Dad's mom is involved with A.
If I have this correct... please don't take offense but if I were A's parent I would not be one bit happy if someone wrote letters directly to my 12yr old daughter and invited her to an activity without consulting me first, especially if the letter came from someone there is obvious strained relations. If I were to allow contact, as my child's parent I would insist I be present.
I can certainly understand your resolve, we had something a little bit similar with A1 (and she was 3yrs old when we had to make decisions about continued contact). In the end we decided continuing visits with her older half-sister and great-grandma (only two positives of her life) just wasn't in A1's long-term best interest considering all the negatives that came along with that contact.
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I would agree with pp that 12 year olds should not be making their own decisions and I'm sure that wasn't your intent. You're just trying to avoid FM. Perhaps at this point you try to build a relationship with your daughter's sister's father instead. I would agree that you should hold your ground if you don't believe visits with FM are in your daughter's best interest. Ironically, we are at the other end of this. Trying to have contact with two of our previous foster kiddos who are being adopted by family. The family promised contact and has not followed through, despite a very appropriate, positive transition. Regardless of the type of person FM is, know she is hurting. That is not your job to solve... but maybe give her some time and continue with the pictures for awhile. I would give anything to be getting even pictures of my former foster kids, so it is nice that you are willing to do that despite your feelings for FM.
Thanks for the responses! We were encouraged by CSB to write to A so that's why I did it that way. We do have A's bdad's phone number for contact, but I am not going to call him - I'm leaving that up to my dh. :-)
I can totally see your point about contacting her directly. I didn't even think about that, but that is what we were told to do by CSB so I just did it that way. I did send the letter to "A c/o XXXX" as I don't even know her last name, so her Dad could very well have opened the letter if he wanted to.
Just in case it wasn't clear (which I know it is very confusing! & I wasn't at all offended btw - you are right) - we don't really have a strained relationship with them so to speak. We have gone out of our way to be nice & accomodating, but the FM was nothing but nasty. We have actually never met A's Dad & are hoping he doesn't share his mother's view of the adoption, but we're not sure. The SW said she wanted to arrange for a meeting with A & her Dad before M was placed with us, but she never did it. And I definitely would want her Dad to be there rather than the FM (& that's what we expected - they just don't think he will be there, that the FM will come instead of him).
It's just really confusing & I feel very much like I'm the "bad guy" for doing what I think is right by my daughter. And we would have loved to have kept the FM in M's life as another grandmother type figure, but there's just no way it will be healthy. I do understand she is grieving & that's why we didn't cut off contact completely - we plan to send updates a couple of times a year.
I just hope I am wrong & CSB is not going to pressure us to have visits with someone we think is going to make our daughter's transition harder.
Blessings,
Beth
DS S-19
DS J-17
DS J-14
DS E-10
AD E-2 Guatemala
Soon to be AD M-3
I think perhaps you may have to forego visits altogether (with FM and A) for a time.
Perhaps when time has passed, you could suggest a meet up at a public place so the girls can visit and you and FM don't even have to converse or sit together for that fact.
I know you are trying so hard to do what is best for A & M, but your main focus right now is M and it sounds like she could use some visit free time and so could you.
I, personally, would expect an apology from FM (aka A's grandma) and would set some ground rules to any future visits.
Kim
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Now the SW is telling me that one of the reasons they matched us with our daughter is because we were willing to continue contact, and that they wouldn't remove her if we don't have contact, but that was one of the reasons they chose us (which I almost took as a veiled threat that if we don't have contact they "will" remove her). So, I told her that we want to continue contact with her half-sister definitely & are making strides toward doing that. And that we went into this planning to continue contact with the FM, but her behavior toward me & her lack of support for our daughter during the transition time made us decide that it would not be in our daughter's best interest to do so. She finally relented & said that contact with her sibling is what they really want.
It is just so absolutely frustrating because everyone completely excuses the FM's negative behavior away by saying that's just her personality, but we are supposed to be ADULTS - for the sake of this child, she should have been able to be mature enough to at least be civil toward me.
I just hope that we will not be forced to have contact with her, but I think it may come to that. However, once we finalize, all visitation is our choice, so we just have to make it through the next few months.
Thanks for the advice & support everyone!!
Blessings,
Beth
DS S-19
DS J-17
DS J-14
DS E-10
AD E-2 Guatemala
Soon to be AD M-3
Your last line sums it up. Just try to grin and bear it for the next little while, and then you can do whatever the heck you want when she is legally your daughter. That way you don't have to worry about them causing trouble for you because they perceive you as "making waves". Sorry you're dealing with this!
reapingjoy
Now the SW is telling me that one of the reasons they matched us with our daughter is because we were willing to continue contact, and that they wouldn't remove her if we don't have contact, but that was one of the reasons they chose us (which I almost took as a veiled threat that if we don't have contact they "will" remove her). So, I told her that we want to continue contact with her half-sister definitely & are making strides toward doing that. And that we went into this planning to continue contact with the FM, but her behavior toward me & her lack of support for our daughter during the transition time made us decide that it would not be in our daughter's best interest to do so. She finally relented & said that contact with her sibling is what they really want. It is just so absolutely frustrating because everyone completely excuses the FM's negative behavior away by saying that's just her personality, but we are supposed to be ADULTS - for the sake of this child, she should have been able to be mature enough to at least be civil toward me. I just hope that we will not be forced to have contact with her, but I think it may come to that. However, once we finalize, all visitation is our choice, so we just have to make it through the next few months. Thanks for the advice & support everyone!!Blessings,BethDS S-19DS J-17DS J-14DS E-10AD E-2 GuatemalaSoon to be AD M-3
<<It is just so absolutely frustrating because everyone completely excuses the FM's negative behavior away by saying that's just her personality, but we are supposed to be ADULTS - for the sake of this child, she should have been able to be mature enough to at least be civil toward me.>> You would think that if the SW wants visits that she would speak to the FM to make it more of a possibility especially after finalization. I wish you luck and hope things go smoothly for you.
It sounds like the FM does have relation to M. If the Foster mom is A's grandma and M is A's half sister. Then I can very much see why she wanted to have M. So the girls "sisters" could remain close together. How long was she fostering M before she came to you for adoption.
It sounds like she really wanted to adopt her and was very upset when DCFS wouldn't allow her to. Transition is difficult as a fosterparent. Especially when you desperately want to adopt that child and someone is telling you no. Especially a relation like this where the child is a "relative" of the family.
Now that M has been removed from her home, hopefully it is begining to sink in for the grandma/fostermom. Hopefully she will realize that she no longer has a chance of getting M back and she will realize that she needs to be more supportive to M and you all for the sake of her grandaughter and M.
One month isn't very long to process those feelings of anger/loss/hurt that she's dealing with but it's a start.
I would give her a chance to start a new relationship, now that these are different circumstances then when she still had M in her home. I would allow a visit with A, A's dad and the Fm. To show your compassion and desire for a relationship to work. I would document things that are said/done. Between now and the time you finalize the adoption. If boundariers need to be set then they should be talked about as the problem arises so they are aware of the problem and can work to improve it.
It will give you a chance to feel all of them out and to see what kinf of relationhip might actually be possible between all of you or soem of you.
It will show DHS that you do plan on trying your best to maintain a relationship with M's sister. It will show A that you love M and M loves you and that she is in a safe place. It will show her that you do care about their relationship.
Maintaining contact WILL be difficult but it can be a great blessing to the sisters and to everyone involved. It won't be easy. But it can be possible if your willing to be compassionate and understanding and forgiving and able to express what boundaries are necessary along the way but also to be flexible. There will be issues and problems that arise. There will be hurt feelings. There will be situation that make you want to give up, or that make M sad or angry or confused. But you have to be commited to what you feel is best for M in the long run.
It might be good for M to see the FM again and for M to SEE that she is your daughter and will return back to your home. She'll begin to trust you more and trust that she IS in her forever home.
Good Luck in whatever you decide to do.
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