What do YOU call your Biological Mother?

For clarification purposes only, My birth son calls me Michelle, and if he wanted to call me Helga :arrow: it wouldn't bother me, I am just glad he calls upon me, period. However, it isn't what he calls me that would bother me, but if he saw me as an incubator or a vessel, I would be hurt, as that is not how I see the myself for the 9 months that I cared for him and the remaining 17 years that I have spent loving him.But I have been fortunate enough to have placed him with parents who value who I am in his life, who have taught him that I am more than just a vessel, that I was his first mom.:love:

Me too, and it is a wonderful blessing for which I am grateful every day.

I always wonder what my biological mother thinks about me. Does she grieve because she lost a child? I would never know unless we were in contact, you know? I would understand, though, if she were to refuse contact and claim that I was not a part of her life, or that I wasn't necessarily her "child." Would I be hurt? Of course. But I'd understand. The idea of a biological mother really "deserving" the title of "mother" was presented to me in another really thoughtful and beautiful way via a PM today - a forum member expressed to me how, during her pregnancy, she had already begun to love her baby and she knew even before she gave birth that she would do whatever she could to protect & nurture her child. The idea of "if that doesn't qualify a woman as a mother, then what does?" sort of applies here...I get what the bio-mother's are saying here. I really do. And I completely resign myself to the fact that if I were in contact, I am positive that I'd begin to feel differently about my bio-mother...maybe I'd even want to develop a close-knit relationship with her. Man, you guys just bring out all kinds of emotions in me! :eyebrows: I don't know whether to hug you or curse you, ha. I also like the idea of focusing more on the relationship that develops during contact and less on what you'd call one another - still, it's a fascinating question.

Nicole~ Adoption is filled with soo much emotion :grouphug: I don't know about you, but for me, today I might cry and tomorrow I am so happy you couldn't slap the smile off my face:evilgrin: But one thing remaims consistent for me and that is the feelings I have had for my birth son all of his life. I think you are doing a great job of keeping an open mind, sorting through all of the emotions and I am really glad you are here :grouphug:Keep talking, I am listening and though I may not always agree with you and you may not always agree with me, we are always going to learn something if we open our hearts and minds to it.

If anyone told me that today I would not only know my birth mother but have an amazing relationship with her and want to call her Mom I would have told them they were nuts and would have been exteremely adament about that fact! I could not have called her Mom just because we met, but now since getting to know her and having her become a huge part of my life she has earned that title and deserves it! You just never know what is going to happen! I have truly learned that anything is possible and just because you feel one way today you may not feel that way the next day!

It's been interesting to follow this thread. The words we use are so emotion-laden. As I have stated before, D has one mom and that's the woman who raised him. What complicates it for me is that he is my firstborn child. Adoption didn't change that, nor did it stop me loving him. He calls me by my first name (as I call him by his, lol). We have a lot in common because of our genetics. (As I have said a number of times, "reunion" with D has given me a whole new perspective on the Nature/Nuture argument.) On the other hand, he is comfortable sharing things with me that he isn't with his mom, just because I'm not the one who raised him. Nicole, you are very right. You don't know how you will feel. I think I would have been ok just knowing D was alive and well if all he wanted was medical history and family background. In some ways, being in reunion brings up emotions that I would not have to wrestle with if we didn't have a relationship. Reunion, like life is a journey. Relationships shift and grow (or not). I can only hope if you are ever in contact with the woman who gave birth to you, that it will be as enriching to your life as getting to know D has been to mine.

I have never met my birthmom. But since I was little I have always referred to her as "the lady who had me in the hospial" lol. My adoptive parents especially my mother get a kick out of it. I couldn't call her my "natural mother" because to me, my mother who raised me is my natural mother as we are very very close. I dont resent my "lady who had me in the hospital" in any way. I am thankful that she loved me as much as she did to give me to my parents to give me a better life. If I do meet her, I probably won't call her "lady who had me in the hospital." But she will always have a special place in my heart even though I havent met her.....yet. :)

Hi Valerie, Have you read very much about what first-mothers' experiences can be like when they relinquish a child for adoption, and in the years afterwards? That is one thing I wish I had been better informed about before I made contact. I think it would have helped to form a lasting relationship. Best wishes to you and your families.

I think that what you call ANYONE is based on what's meaningful and ok to you and that person. I call my birthmom MOM- and did without realizing it 20 yrs ago in a letter for the first time after we'd been corresponding for a few months. I do not call her mom when talking about her to my adoptive mother as it would hurt my amom. But, I also do not have a good relationship with my amom or adad as they were quite abusive. I limit visits with my amom- and she's usually Ma not mom or mother. But that's my personal choice based on my personal feelings- she still leaves messages from Mommy- she is not nor has she ever been my mommy- even tho she raised me from when I was 5 months. To me, names are something that can mean alot interpersonally- but shouldn't mean much when they are broadly used. In groups of non-triad members I distinguish my familial relationships by saying birthmom or mom(adoptive)- because its accepted nomenclature.

Valerie- I second reading about what your birthmother may have experienced because many moms are so affected by their 'secret' or their pain that their first reaction to contact is denial. A good book is The girls that went away- very poignant and well written. Really an insight as to how they were treated.

I am a A Mom. My husband and I have decided to refer to her as Miss. FIRST NAME simple and easy.

Mandi- is it an open adoption? Young child involved? Then what you say makes perfect sense and its good that you are calling her by name which makes it easy for your child to know that you accept the position of the birthparent in their life. I think most of us were talking about post closed adoption reunions and what we call birthparents as we search, think of or in reunion. Its a bit different. My daughters have grown up knowing both my birthmom and my husband's birthmom and birthdad. When they were toddlers- I called my birthmom- my 'bellymama' to explain the difference between her and grandma-my adoptive mom. Some birthmoms on a site I posted on were insulted by that - but it was age appropriate and don't say that now that they are pre-teens. They can understand talking about it. Now- the moms are all grandma name and the kids are fine with it. We all have to do what 'feels' right to us and our family- as respectfully as possible.

Mandi - I think you are a foster-care adoption mother? That may add a bias? Most of the adoptees on this board are DIA. What do you call the woman who carried you in her womb? Kind regards,Dickons

Dickons....sorry...what is DIA??

DIA = Domestic Infant Adoption... Kind regards,Dickons