What do YOU call your Biological Mother?

Wow....5 year old thread! I remember this discussion from back then too. Time flies? lol! My dh is a closed domestic from the 60's and calls his bmom by her first name. (They have met) Refers to her as bmom in discussion with others. My kids are foster adopt and it varies between them what they refer to their bparents as. They usually don't say bmom in discussion but I think a lot of that is age...it fluctuates and I've learned that nothing is really constant yet for the kids. (which is fine) I think it really does depend on everyone's situation and what is comfortable for everyone. I think given the year Valerie was born, the suggestion to read "The Girls who Went Away" might not really correspond. It's a good book regardless, mind you, just saying I don't think the situations will necessarily apply.

Crick, although Ann Fessler narrowed down the interviews for her book, THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY, to the time period spanning post-World II through 1974 (when Roe v Wade was decided by the Supreme Court) many women who placed their newborns for adoption after the Baby Scoop Era ended do relate to the experiences and emotions of those of us Ann interviewed. Our younger "sisters" may not have been shut away in maternity homes or hidden away in their bedrooms, but the feelings are pretty universal.

RavenSong, that's something I've wondered about... how much those who relinquished more recently could identify with those talking about the "old days." I've found some modern accounts online, too, through different first mother forums or on blogs. I think a follow-up to the Went Away book would be helpful. BTW, there is a video now that is somewhat similar the book, called A Girl Like Her. Highly recommended.

Sitta,The film A GIRL LIKE HER is by Ann Fessler, the author of "The Girls Who Went Away." I haven't seen it yet, but she used one of my high-school yearbook photos in the movie.I've come to know a lot of first moms who've relinquished within the past 20 years, and they almost always tell me they related a LOT to the book, even though they surrendered decades after the moms of the BSE.

J has at different times, referred to her as "my mom," "my biological mother," "my real mom," or her first name. It all completely depends on to whom he is talking, how they are coming to the conversation, the greater context of the situation, and frankly, how he is feeling. There was a time when the words he chose to refer to her mattered greatly to me and either caused me joy or pain, in the first days of reunion when every word feels so heavily loaded with subtext. Now, it matters very little to me, and frankly, isn't really my business what words he chooses, and I no longer feel that any term granted to her is taken from me.

zxczxcasdasd, I remember that first reunion meeting - I got to meet you in person for the first time. I'm glad you've come to the point where you recognize that what he calls her takes nothing from you.

Interesting, because that hasn't really been the experience I've heard from the younger generation. I'm not saying the book won't relate at all, but likely not ring as true as it did for the baby scoop era. I've read the book though and it IS excellent.

Maybe Belle will chime in here, as she is part of the younger generation of first moms. All I know is that many of the younger ones I work with have told me that they relate to the emotions experienced by the older women who are represented in the book.

Yes, Kathy, you and Josh'smom were my lifelines for those first meetings and I am grateful! It was a long journey to get to where what he calls her has no affect on me, and you certainly helped!

Ravensong, yes, she is the author of both, sorry I didn't specify. What I mean by somewhat like it is that some interview material is in both the book and the film, but there is some different info in each as well. They are both really well done. I didn't know you had contributed.

I may not have been shut away in a maternity home, but yeah I feel like I was coerced. I feel like open adoption is a carrot dangled in front of women to get our babies when what we need more of is support. I feel like shame is still a huge part in adoption today. Many of the women I know that are my age feel the same. We place partly because of shame. I don't care how many social programs there are and how many people are single parents, there is still shame in some families and in some areas. It is the way of the world now just as it was then.

I love that there can be other names besides birthmom or bmom. I always used it because it is the only one I have heard, and I didn't really see any other option. Meganicolson, I don't know if you are still on the site, but I love "birth lady". I hope you have no problem if I use it. :o

I hope you don't mind me chiming in here. You make an interesting point. In some ways, I understand when you say that she didn't have a role in mothering you. Because I don't know your history, I have to be aware that my situation may be different than yours. I believe that some birthmothers that place their children do so wanting to provide a much better existence for them. It was my case - whether or not it was for the better I'm not sure I'll ever know, but I digress. If an expectant mother places a child for that reason, can't it be said that it is an act of "mothering"? In my view, a mother does what's best for the child. Whether it's one act or a lifetime, does it matter? In any event, the best that I can hope for with my birthson is that he will want to meet with me someday. I would never try to replace his mother.....but I hope to be a friend.

Dakota- So well put. Your son will be lucky to know you and count you as a friend. I have been in reunion for 20yrs after a babysweep era closed adoption. My birthmom is "Mom" (my choice) and is one of my closest friends. I will always be feel that my search was the best thing I ever did for myself.

ahhh peace at last :clap: I've gone from "the lady who gave birth to me" "birthlady" (I remember driving Raven nuts with those LOL there was no way I was gonna use the M word in any way)... to now finally just plain ole Momma like the rest of her kids call her. And sometimes her first name depending on who I am talking to. bmom for the clarity thing here. I now know and can admit that I used terms other than mother or Momma for distance, safety and had a little anger at play. Which makes perfect sense to me. I don't think I will ever forget talking with a woman from Korea with little English about my mothers, it was so easy to point lovingly at our bellies for one, and our hearts for the other, universal language I guess. It feels so good now that it matters very little to me what I call her. Same with Dad. whew:laundry: