Relationship with bmom, but not bsiblings?

When I was about 20 I had the chance to ask a couple of questions about my birth mother. I asked two questions...what nationality I was...do I have siblings. Everyone is different but I have always dreamed of knowing my siblings, even though I had no clue if they were babies, small children, or like me, young adults. I think I wanted sibling relationships because I saw how my parents benefited and enjoyed the relationships they had with their siblings. I still dream of knowing my siblings, one day when they are ready...and things they may have said or done when they found out about me really doesn't matter, because 'everyone had said and done things in the heat of the moment that they regret for the rest of their lives' and being a family means you have to get over it and get on with it. Kind regards,Dickons

Hi, Dickons-Your postings are always so "glass-half-full"-y. You're an inspiration. :)

Before I found my birth family, I felt I would need to know my bmother and establish a relationship with her (if possible, although probably not for 16 years) before adding anyone else into the mix ... her other children or husband, my afamily or husband ... however, she died about five years before I started looking for her. And what I found instead was my younger brother, the child she kept. My existence shocked him, but he has a very strong sense of duty and he felt it was his responsibility to give me any and all information I needed and wanted. We traded occasional letters (I wanted more but let him proceed at his own pace, which was VERY slow) till finally something happened to speed things up. Six years after we first made contact another bbrother, also surrendered for adoption six years before I was born, made contact with him. At that point he bit the bullet and got to know us. He has been a gem. He has accepted us as his sister and brother. He is pretty much a loner but never misses a birthday or Christmas, and we trade visits once a year or so. He and his wife and daughter, as well as all the cousins, have welcomed us as part of the family. I think the relationship with him was almost forced by the death of our mutual mother and his strong sense of duty. Not many would have welcomed us into the family in the face of some strong internal anger and shock (the anger was at the "system" and also our mother who he felt should have warned him this might happen). I think we are very lucky to have a brother with the maturity and wisdom to be able to open his arms and heart to the two children his mother had and gave up long before he was born. Jane

Hello Dickons, glad to see you start this thread, have always enjoyed your look on things also.I have just found my b-sister, but have not made contact yet. My Mom told me a while back that she did not want to disrupt her b-daughters life...but if I found that "she" is looking for her b-family then she would re-consider. and I have recently discovered she has been looking for several years. so now after reading all the thoughts and feelings on this thread and another one ...I feel a need to slow things down to re-think how to make contact....which is good as I was just going to probably plunge right into it in my excitement of finally finding her.My mother is not computer savy so I was just going to connect with her on my own first and introduce myself and then go from there....but now I'm having second thoughts, as I don't want to screw this up from the start. I guess I just thought she would be just as excited & happy to meet her b-sister as I was, but now I feel like I should get some advice also on how to procede. I am almost feeling like maybe having my Mom write the first e-mail now (although she was kind of leaving that part up to me) and maybe wait to see if my b-sister wants to meet me, or even know me at all !? ....wow! I guess I just never thought that she may resent me without even knowing me.... or just want to get to know my Mom and not anyone else...so now I'm a bit scared to make contact first....I mean there are a lot of b-siblings who do...but no-one likes rejection no matter where you are in the mix...so now I'm confused about how to best go about this. so....any thoughts??

sorry! great thread Birdeez4 !

Birdeez, I am an adoptee and have been reunited with my bio parents 2 1/2 years. I met my half sister by my bio mom in Oct. '06 and have seen her three times in the nearly two years I have known her. When we are together we get along fine but when we aren't together we don't communicate. I have tried and tried building a relationship with her but it seems to no avail. In the beginning of my reunion she had told our mother how excited she is to know she has a sister but she doesn't show it to me. I also have one half brother and two half sisters by my bio dad and I met them about a year ago. I have seen my half brother three times and my sisters two times now. It seems the one most open to having a sibling relationship with me is my half brother but the other two sisters are also open to communication any time we can visit or share emails. My bio parents and I have built a wonderful and open relationship and I am happy to have all I do. I have found every situation is different and we must take what we can have in these reunions. I know this can't be easy for you but hopefully in time your sister will have a change of heart. I also know time is a factor as well. As difficult as it is this does take time. Don't lose hope.

Hi Rainmon, If your birth sister is searching then she wants contact with her birth family. She may be disappointed that it is not your mom contacting her but I would bet that at the same time she will be thrilled to know she has a sister. I was at a family reunion this weekend and to look around at all the people there and see in them parts of me, mannerisms, looks, voices, interests, etc was truly one of the greatest days of my life. I had never ever felt that anyone resembled me and the level of comfort the familiarity gave me was truly beyond words. Add to that the incredible welcome from my family and the day was truly amazing. It really helped that I wasn't and never had been a secret to the older generations there, and they always wanted to know me. It truly was a day to remember and I believe there will be many more because they are my family. I say to go for it! You may gain a friendship that will last a life time. If you don't, you may always regret it. Let me know. Kind regards,Dickons

Yes, its really hard right now...not doing anything...but just want to make sure I do the right thing.so have put the ball in my Moms court for awhile.....

Birdeez....just a thought, but have you asked her why she doesn't want contact? I don't know your relationship with your mom, but could she ask her why she feels so strongly about not knowing you? Could your mom have told her things about you? I am just thinking of things that might answer your question. I have 6 half siblings, that I know of. Five from my bdad and one from my bmom. Before reunion I was excited at the thought of maybe having some siblings. However, I had no clue about "crazy" the sibling thing was going to be for me. Because I knew my bmom gave me up because she was young..I figured I was the eldest. Well, I was her eldest, and only girl. The bdad, however, is another story. He has a son, that was also placed for adoption born in 1973. I would REALLY like to find him. Then he went on to have another son with the same mother, and I have spoken to him on the phone several times (and it's always been good) and emailed several times. I like him, and he has refered to me as his lil' sister. However, he wasn't raised with my bdad, and I think he has "issues" about that...and he's a guy...so he is not as "gung-ho" about maintaining good contact. To be honest, I don't think that either of us know was to do. He was raised an only child as well. Then in Feb. of 76 my bdad had a daughter with my bmom's best friend. (no one knew she was pregnant until the baby was born...or so i've been told) By that time, my bmom and bdad were dating and I was already on the way. So then I was his fourth born, born in October of 76. He then went on to finally get married and have two more kids. I have had no contact with any of his other kids, other then the bbro. So it's sorta crazy. I wouldn't mind meeting his one raised daughter, to see how she is. The other sister, that was just raised by her mom, I have found on Myspace, ect...and I am not interested in knowing her really. Plus, she knows my bmom, who doesn't know my personal informatioin, so I wouldn't want her filling my bmom in on things. I don't feel I could trust her. Then the bbro from my bmom is NOT someone I want to meet. He is a druggie, and is in and out of jail. Sadly he is 22. Sorry that that was like a novel!!! I really think that the only way you'll know why your sister doesn't want contact is by asking someone who may know. I have many reasons why I'm not interested. Yet, at the same time, I would LOVE a good relationship with someone. It would be nice.....

Again, many thanks for all of the posts. A quick update: Since I originally posted this, my mom has moved to be closer to her placed daughter. When I helped her move, I did have the opportunity to ask this question to my placed sis and her reasons boil down to one word : jealousy. There are three parts to this jealousy. One is she feels that I have something she always wanted : a relationship with her mother. The second deals with birth order. Growing up, she imagined her mother as young and coerced into the adoption. She knew there was a possibility that her mother had gone on to have other children, and she actually looked forward to being 'the big sister' someday (she is the youngest in her adoptive family). Unfortunately, the reality is that I am the older sibling, so once again she is the youngest (not what she wanted), so I 'took that away from her'. The third deals with my mother's life post-placement. Apparently, over the years, my mother has told her a HIGHLY edited version of our lives after she placed her and as a result, my placed sis is under the impression that the last bad thing to happen in my mom's life was her placement and since then our lives have been 100% wonderful. A party that she didn't get to attend, you could say. I'm not going to argue these points here (I already did that, when I was talking to her). Bottom line is I could understand these reasons better if they came from her when the two of them first reunited, as she was pretty young and immature. But I would have thought that over the last 16 years, she might have had time to re-examine them. Also, she claims to love and respect her adoptive family and says that she has had a pretty good life, so I don't really understand the jealousy/anger. It's something for me to grow into and learn about, I guess.

Birdeez, Wow... that is so sad for a person to harbor such jealousy towards another for so long. I have to believe this boils down to her not having the proper education and understanding of adoption reunions before the reunion occurred; and not caring to get that information since the reunion. I hope that either your mother or her daughter finds their way to this information before they don't have the chance to right a wrong. I am truly sorry for you.

I don't get the jealousy thing. Perhaps she has not figured out that reality is reality and cutting off her nose to spite her face really only hurts herself. The only solution to that is maturity and an open mind. People can chose to become bitter and twisted about something or to give it a try and look for the good. Without the trying they will never know if it would turn out to be the greatest gift of their life. Hopefully, something will change with your sister although each year that passes is probably building a wall around your heart to protect yourself. I wish you the best in your struggle to understand and remain the person you are. Kind regards,Dickons

I don't understand the jealousy thing either. I was brought up in a famly, ididn't need anotherfamily" per se. I also don't understand how a mother could just up and move to another childs location, another child that was brought up by another family. I do understand how she might want to "make up for lost time " how ever unrealistic it may be. As an adoptee I would not want that kind of relationship with birthfamily. I would not want anyone to be jealous of me, I do not feel jealous of my half sibs that were not adopted. I truly seee it as 2 different families.

Wow. Your sister's reaction somewhat astounds me. I am an adoptee searching for my birthfamily still, and for me, my main intention is meet/establish some kind of relationship with siblings, and then if my bparents want anything to do with me, that's fine too - but mainly, siblings. I know I have 4 older half-sibs and hope I have younger ones by now too.The jealousy thing, as people have said, just doesn't make sense. Especially if she likes her adoptive family. And it's not like you did anything wrong, so it sounds like she's just misplacing the anger she should have felt towards your mother onto you instead, so she doesn't have to deal with it. Which is horrible :(

Yes I'm wondering if it could be misplaced anger as well, as I also don't understand why your mother would tolerate your sister being so rude and cruel to you for all these years, it is just unconscionable how this has been just allowed to happen for so long. it is so blatantly unbalanced and unfair! but now on to the future....where your Mom seems to be Jumping quite nicely through all your b-sisters well placed hoops...hmmmm......but...distance does make the heart grow fonder, they say.....so just wait it out...stay busy.....and maybe they will eventually get their fill of each other. as the grass always seems greener somewhere else, at least for awhile....