Adoption, twins and playgroups

Well of course I don't have twins but I am a SAHM and i have joined a few play groups. My neighbors and friends all know H is adopted and it really hasn't been issue at all. We talk about issues now instead of pregnancy stuff. Also some even thinks he looks like me which I dont see at all. I also had lunch with mom's from Gymboree. I haven't told them H is adopted yet. It really hasn't come up and right now I just feel it's really none of their business. In my experiences playdates have been awesome. No drama at all. Go for it! ps I think when you talk about adoption I have found everyone I told has been really supportive and just interested in the process. I have had anyone day anything negative yet. Although I do have 1 lady ask why did we adopt. I told her it's personal and you really shouldn't ask people that. She apologized and that was that!

I found my playgroup through [url=http://www.meetup.com]Real groups make a real difference - Meetup.com[/url]. I love it! There are 25 families in it, so a lot of diversity and different family situations. There are at least 2 families with twins, a foster family, and a few families with adopted kiddos. I love it so much I can't describe! There are at least 3 activites a week to choose from. Usually 2 of the activites are playdates at people's homes, and then one is an outing, like the park or beach. There is some talk at meetups about pregnancy, labor, etc. But I have found that once people know your kiddos are adopted, they want to talk about that also! Just because you can't contribute to a conversation about pregnancy and birth doesn't mean you shouldn't go to a playgroup! We talk a lot more about raising our kids and all that goes with it. I am going to throw this out there, and will probably get jumped on for it. As mamas who have adopted, we can sometimes be so sensitive when people talk about all that goes with pregnancy and giving birth. I know it is hard to not be able to discuss it ourselves, because I was there. But to be honest, adoption is not the norm, and most women you come into contact with as a SAHM will have given birth as a way of making their family. If we shy away from places just because we are not like everyone else, we will build ourselves a lonely world. When moms are discussing giving birth, pipe in with your adoption story! It is not something to hide, and I, for one, relish questions. If I am asked why we adopted, I tell people my doc said surgery or adoption. If I am asked about the cost, I tell people it was a lot! I don't think my friends at playgroup are asking just to be nosy. They like me, and want to know about my life. Maybe I just have a fantastic playgroup, but I have never had anyone say anything negative about adoption. OK, I don't know how much of this makes sense. It is early and the coffee is still in the cup.

I think you should deffinitly join a play group! What a great way to meet other moms and a way for you little ones to meet other kids. My first thought when I read yoru post was that it would be a great way for you to educate others on adoption and raising twins. It never crossed my mind that you would not be an out cast :) You are a mom just like the rest of them that goes through the same things everyday just double time! :) I am an identical twin (as I saw you were too on your blog!), so I know in your twins minds they are just normal kids-as I never felt like I was any different from other kids, being a twin was just the norm. I know yours are a little younger (and cuties!), but as they grow they will love you for the fact that they know other kids other than each other! :) I nannied for triplets back on college and I took them to a play date, and it was a blast! Maybe you could even start one yourself :)

Fran, one of my best friends is a SAHM and is in a lot of play groups and she says she is TIRED of all the labor and delivery talk (and she has given birth to three kids). She says every woman tries to "one up" each other and all pretended like they nearly died during delivery (for some reason it cracked me up). I have a couple of my best friends coming over today with their kids (I knew them before adopting) and I have to say that it really is no big deal that DD was adopted (in fact, they ask me for parenting advice sometimes and for some reason that feels weird...I know it shouldn't!!). I can say that sometimes I still find it hard to hear women talk about pg/delivery, etc. I always say that I would have loved to given birth to DD (and exactly my DD, kwim?). But we all know how "cool" adoption is now, so you may be the superstar of a playgroup (haha!). Go for it! You gotta show those darlings off in as many venues as possible!!! (btw, the moms of multiples is a great group...one of my friends who adopted twins loves it!).

I also found my mom's group on meet up and I love love love them, and honestly very rarely do they talk about pregnancy/delevery, but it doesn't bother me b/c I am intrested in it also because I have been pregnant 3 times just haven't made it to the hospital delevery! These are the women I go to when I have problems, we have breakfast meetings a few times a week and we just sit around and chat for 3 hours while the kids play and if my boy is cranky (he's 6 months) some one always holds him for me so i have a little break. We also do ittsy bittsy play groups where I'll have any baby's that can't walk yet over and the baby's really enjoy getting to know each other and sharing toy's. We all have things we are sensitive about, after you get to know your group just tell them I'm sure they won't be mad to hear how sad it makes you feel when people talk about pregnancy, they will understand. oh and I told everyone right away that Lb is adopted because I wanted to form lasting relationships with the ladies and I wanted them to know where I was coming from. Plus Lb's black and the hubby and I are not. Rachel

The group I am part of is an adoptive families group. There are about 6 of us right now that have babies with in 3 months of each other that all live within a 20 mile radius. If your agency was local, maybe ask if they know of any adoptive family groups locally...if not, look around online. The group I am part of is also a yahoo group. Good Luck!

I'm a stepmom and a biomom, so I've been on both sides of the "Who do they look like game."The (step)kids would frequently talk about who they looked like at the dinner table. Over the years that got harder and harder. Especially when I was wanting a baby and we had to put the making on hold. The worst time was when our daughter and my husband were playing this back and forth word game, "Daughter," "Father," "Daughter," "Father..." Our son looked at me, wanting to start up the same game with me, except he called me, "Father." I just said I didn't want to play and did the best I could to not cry. Had he called me stepmom or my first name or whatever, that would have been fine, but he called me father.I also have had a lot of people tell me the kids look like me. Don't see it, though we do all have white skin. I just say thank you and leave it at that.Then I made a baby. I joined the mom/baby group and we all sat around talking about pregnancy and birth. For awhile. (It does stop as you get further from the event.) But I had to stop the talks prematurely..or at least my part in them. See, I had the labor everyone dreams of. Four hours total start to brith, only uncomfortable for an hour, pushed the last hour and that part didn't hurt at all. So, here were all these women who were grieving having had a c-section or hours and hours of pain only to end up with an epidural or whatever. Since we all had our babies with nurse-midwives, this was a particularly motivated group to do what I did (at the age of 43.) It was really hard for me because I wanted to talk about all the things I missed out on...braiding my hair, making scones during early labor to give sustenance to the midwife, etc. It may sound stupid here to grieve those things, but I did. I also knew how lame it sounded to someone who labored for 24 hours then had a c-section, so I kept my mouth shut. But it was really hard because I had stuff I wanted to talk about and I didn't feel it was fair to others to hear my story or I didn't think they'd have compassion for me when they heard what I was upset about. (And yeah, I know how minor that stuff was, but it was real for me.) Also, even though it was minor, it also kept me from sharing my joy. I wanted so much to talk about my birth and felt constrained. That wasn't pretty.I don't have any words of advice other than to say the pregnancy/birth talk will slow down a lot as the babies get older. On the other hand, when I did meet someone who had an adopted baby, I loved to hear their stories. This was particularly true since I knew my age meant we'd probably adopt our second "together child."So, best I can think of is, "Suck it up." It's what I had to do and will have to continue to do. It's hard, but at least you got your babies. And the isolation that comes with babies and SAHM is overwhelming. mothering.com forums really helped me a lot. We EC, so that yahoo group was also great. MDC has so many groups you can join. I even just discovered one for mothers who are writers. There's also one on meal planning--which you'll probably need with twins. I do prefer this adoption group, I find it's more gentle.And do a join a playgroup. The other thing I grieved was delivering in a birthcenter rather than at home. But if I had done a home birth, I would not have joined the mom/baby group and that group meant so much to me. I eventually decided I got the better choice--birthcenter with group versus homebirth without group.And congratulations on your twins. I'm jealous you got a match. (I know you probably have your jealousies, but do know that people out here are jealous of you.)

I've also had a really good experience with my playgroup - we've been together over 2 years. But I do think that pregnancy/birth talk is part of the package (unless it's all adoptive moms). It's not a huge topic of conversation but it comes up because there is ALWAYS someone in the group who's pregnant! I've definitely never felt out of place because of the adoptions, though. In fact the group has been incredibly supportive through the finalizations. Another mom in the group has twins. I think it's neat to have the diversity. Good luck!! :)

Lovejax, I think you have the same quirky sense of humor as me....I do think human nature can be really funny at times nd don't get it when others look at me agasht that I could think its funny. I DO thinks its funny that women have to one up the labor thing....I can just hear it!! I have seen elders fight about their bld pressures too..LOL....and how the nurses and docs just "ran around to save them"..hmmm probably just upped their meds a bit... Sad how people need to need attention for such silly stuff.

I think talking about pregnancy is going to get old after a while. At least your experience gives your group something different to talk about (adoption AND twins). I think some people can be a little sensitive. I go to parties all the time and excuse myself because the conversation is about something I am not interested (i.e. politics or sports). I don't think they are being jerks -- just have different interests. I think it will be just a matter of time before you are talking about your kids latest milestones and parenting issues and not so much about pregnancy. M

Fran27, I don't have twins, but I can kind of relate, in a different way. I want to join a playgroup but wondering if any of them have first time older moms. I'm a 40-something first time mom and want to experience playgroups, but I don't want to look like grandma of the bunch (not that I look that old). I don't want that to stop me though. I want to have interaction with other moms, hopefully close to my age, so I will check out some groups. Remember, as someone else mentioned, you can always start your own group--adoptive mothers with twins. Also, I like the idea of going to Gymboree--I'm not sure how that will work out with twins though.

Two more thoughts . . . A couple people mentioned Gymboree. We used to go there and I loved it. But my local Gymboree is kind of anti-twin in my opinion. For the parent participation classes (all those under a certain age) they require one adult per child. So a mom with twins can't go to class with her babies on her own. I don't know if that's a nationwide policy or not. We met several of our playgroup moms originally through Gymboree. Anyway, I go to My Gym now and really like that as well - I don't think they're as widespread as Gymboree. My boys are 4 months apart in age and the staff are really helpful when I take both boys to class together. Some of my playgroup moms are also members of a more official/organized playgroup. There is apparently a lot of "drama" in that group - meaning it's gotten sort of click-ish. I think that sort of thing is a danger in any group. So I just wanted to say to the OP that if your first playgroup doesn't work for you for whatever reason, I hope you don't get discouraged. I think it sometimes takes a little while to find the right group. :prop:

I think you are wise to seek out a multiples playgroup; your parenting challenges are different. I personally had issues with playgroups once my son turned 2. EVERYONE was having baby #2 except me. I left crying more days than I can count. I was completely surrounded by fertile myrtles and it was horrible. I think the majority (well, at least MANY) of multiples moms have possibly done fertility treatments. They might be a bit older, more mature, and definitely more accepting of adoption. I've found that some of the best parents I've known have been the ones who've struggled to build their families. So, while the other playgroup moms may not be adoptive parents--they possibly did struggle to get their kids. And you'll have that in common, you know? I would rather go to a multiples playgroup myself; but I don't have multiples! lol I met my 2 best friends in the world through a playgroup. Starting something new is always uncomfortable but as the kids get older; you'll NEED that playgroup :)