Originally Posted By Laura Luehr
My husband and I are losing our foster child that was placed in our home with the understanding that the state would term the birth parents rights, now after six months the state dicided to place the child with a distant cousin. My husband and I feel like there has been a death in the family and no one can understand better than someone who has been there.If there is someone out there that has been there can you help us learn to cope?
Originally Posted By Laura Rankins
Hi, we have had the same happen to us with the understanding that they were going to terminate rights of the birth partents. I know that after having the child for a year and then finding out it was so painful. Then we figured that if we can't beat the system then help the mom. The little man went to his mom after a year and a half of being with us. We talk to the state commisioner (not his office but in his office with him). You have to know that everything with life when dealing with the state is a he said she said. We still see our little guy once in a great while. We love and miss him so much, but we know that God has bigger plans for him. We now have a 7 year old that is going to be adopted just before Christmas. We do know that time is what is needed and sometimes you will be feeling good for once and turn around and have a big pit in your stomach. If you want to talk or if anyone would like to talk please email me. blkrankins@yahoo.com. This is our third and final try at adoption and it is all worth the look in the eyes of my son when he knows that he is part of our family.
Originally Posted By Lisa
Hi Laura,
I am not sure what state you live in but here in NJ the adoptions do happen. Keep the faith and your adoption will go through. We had a little girl for 3 1/2 years all set to adopt and she was returned to her family who sexually abused her. Made me ill. We have since then adopted two boys who came to us at birth who are biological brothers. The second boy was adopted last Tuesday. So hang in and it will happen.
Take Care,
Originally Posted By rachel
hi, my name is rachel. i am from new jersey. i have always had it in my heart to adopt, but i have maybe decided to foster instead. my advice would be for you to try and bond with the cousin and see if you could all be a happy family. share parental rights. explain that this is not just any baby that SHE can get through an agency. this is the one you have had for 6 months. if she is young, offer her to stay with you. or chances are, she will renig or give in after some time and return the baby. i wish you all the luck in the world. write if you need an ear or a friend, rachel
We just lost our baby girl. She was a fost-adopt placement, but the BP were not doing what they were supposed to be doing...we were really getting our hopes up as the 6 month review is 11/4 and CPS was recommending term of services. But the paternal grandmother showed up and she got her, a week ago. Our agency is really, really good about teaching us up front that this can happen. The grandmother is really nice and was very sympathetic to our pain, but she wanted her grandbaby that she had just found out about, and honestly I can't blame her. It was heart-wrenching. We got her from the hospital at 9 days and are just missing her 6 month birthday...saw her through all the withdrawals and delays. I take comfort in knowing we gave her a great start. Will we do it again? Definately. We chose this path for a adoption. WE know in our state birth family can step in up until termination of rights. And we just have to deal with that. County CPS had actually denied the grandma, but she appealed to the state and won. It sure doesn't hurt any less, don't get me wrong. I am really grieving hard. I believe God has a plan for our family, though, and this little girl was part of it only for a short, but wonderful time. There must be another child who needs us more, as our girl has her grandma now.
My heart goes out to all who have lost children, for it is the greatest lost imaginable to me.
I should have mentioned, we already have one son, Jacob, who came to us at 6 months and is now 2 1/2. We finalized his adoption in May, with the blessings of his birthparents who realized they could not get it together enough to take him, and that he was so bonded to our family! The loss of our baby girl was not as hard on him as I thought! We went on vacation for a week right after dropping her off, to get him out of his routine, as recommended by our foster parent liaison. Although he seemed very bonded to her, he's only 2 1/2 and honestly, it's out of sight, out of mind for him. He only asked about her 3 or 4 times, and we just told him that she went to live with her grandma who loves her very much and that he is ours forever and not going anywhere. That seemed to be enough for him.
I know what it is like to lose the most adoring part of you...your children. The heartache you feel is not like any other. I too have lost foster children and the longer they stay the harder it is. I miss my beautiful Destiny...she was with me for 11 months and it was supposed to be forever. I cried and cried because I knew that she was going back to such a bad place. She is still there with no one to love her, to take care of her. The pain is unbelievable. My sweet adorable Julie ... I had her 11 months also .....at least she didn't go back to her drug addicted mother....and I hope she is ok. The other many children that I have taken care of in my home and loved are back with mothers, fathers, or relatives. THis is how I got through it......I prayed everyday for the children and for Jesus to protect them and send them to the best place for them. I tried not to be selfish ....I just wanted what was best for them and for us. It worked out for the kids and for us...most of the time. I cried everytime and prayed a lot. I left it in the hands of God to protect and care for my children. I love them......all15 of them and I hope that they are doing great. I know am adopting 4 children.....tomorrow I sign the adoption agreement and I know that it has all worked out. Just keep in mind that you want what is best for the children and you'll be fine.
Lisa
I had a child that came to live with us in the year 2000. Baby boy 3 months premature, weighing in at 3 pounds 3 ounces, cocaine positive. The state of Georgia placed him with us foster care to adopt. In December of 2001 the state and the court system decided to place this baby boy back with his parents. It feels like a kidnapping because you don't know where or who or how this baby boy is doing. Our story doesn't end here though....
The short version is that August 2002 this baby boy and his newly born brother is now back in the states custody. I have been trying to get him and his brother back into our care.
What I can say is to hang in there. It doesn't go away but it gets a little better after time. Don't give up.
Good Luck!!
i went thru the same thing once..instead it was 2 yrs and 4 months...when u said death in the family..ur exactly rite that just how it feels... i wish i could say sumthin real witty and make ya feel betta but the truth is time ..is what ya need time heals all wounds..( supposedly) if ya ever need to just vent email me at putter923@msn.com..im a great listener... and sumtimes just talking about it helps...good luck
We lost the only foster child we have had this week and we, too, feel as if there has been a death in our family. We registered with the understanding that we wanted a child who could be adopted, but the mother came back at the last minute and opted to place her with a 60+ aunt who needs a pacemaker. We both prayed for this child and thought the placement was of God. Now we don't even want to be in our own home as everything reminds us of her. We cry all the time. To see my big bear of a husband cry has been a shock and all we want is for the baby to come home. I saw this site looking for advice on how to deal with the heartbreak. I will pray for you as we spend all our time praying for another lost child like yours.
Welcom to this site...I see you are new... look around and stay around and don't lose you faith over this.
I am so sorry to hear this story again! and Agian! I am sorry that another person has suffered this pain, to love a child as their own, and only lose. Please don't give up on your loving.
This is the SINGLE reason I reject the NEW TREND of Foster to Adoption required by federal laws.... in the old days NO MATTER how in love a Foster Family was Adoption was not possible...so at least you as a foster family would know this right up front... And then it became clear that a Foster Child in a home for years had a bond that should remain if at all possible...so the laws were changed and Foster Families became the, next in line after extended family....
This has caused scores of people like you to suffer. Over time it became known in the Foster Care communities that it is actually possible to adopt a newborn if you RISK the Foster to Adopt plan.... Now, it seems this plan is causing harm, to everyone but, especially to the love of the Foster Home... This is so sad and I so badly feel for you..... I don't like the fact you have been hurt and I hope you will greive this loss and become stronger for it.
Give yourself some time because you are right this is like a death. and when you feel you have the ability again, you will know you can love another child...it is never possible to replace a lost child....but it is possible to love again. Talk to your caseworker and if you are led perhaps you might consider the Adoption program in your state...true you will likely not recieve a newborn... but, if your 6-month old daughter was given to you today, I am sure you can see it would be easy to start loving her from this day on.... When we met our five-year old daughter and her one-year old brother...it was love at first sight and missing all that nighttime feeding and a year of diapers has been less a sacrifice then we could have imagined.....
Peace...
I lost my nephew one month ago after raising him for two years through DCF. HIs mother abandoned him with me and I raised him as my own son until she came back a year later and decided to do her "case plan". The courts gave him back without a second thought to the bond we had formed. He was eighteen months old when he came to me and is now 3 & 1/2. There are no words to explain my grief. HIs mother has refused visitation saying she wants him to bond with her and to do that he has to stay away from me. DCF gave him back to her although she had four other children taken away two of which were tpr'd. We're in the process of trying to adopt her oldest daughter, but I still am having trouble coping with the loss of "Little B". I'm trying to write a book on our experience as a part of my grieving process to try to change the laws on Caregiver's rights and would like to hear other stories similiar to ours if anyone would like to share or if anyone would just like to talk who has gone through this too. People who haven't been through this cannot understand the loss. I've been told I should just "get over it" and to "go on with my life". IT's a little hard to do when you lie awake at night and wonder if they have enough to eat, or if they're getting enough love, and if they cry for you.
Email AngieS1570@aol.com
We had our Foster son in our home since he was 5 days old. He would have been 6 months in 5days. They have been trying to place him with a 3rd cousing since Sept. but she hasn't been able to qualify because her boyfriend has child abuse and domestic violence charges against him. Well, our social worker that was trying to stop the placement has quit because the dept. went over her head and approved the transfer. We hired a lawyer and went to court today. They ordered him to be removed right away. We just left the court and received a call they wanted to pick him up in 3hrs. So they did! We watched him drive away and he was just looking at us smiling. Poor thing probably thought he would see us again. My husband and I are so upset we don't know what to do. His stuff is everywhere in our house so it's a constant reminder. I almost feel like he's in the other room asleep and will wake up soon. He's only been gone for 4 hrs now and I feel like it's forever. I don't know how to cope with this. Do you have any advice for us?
I don't know... I don't know...
We have had our little one for almost exactly a year. We were surprised to find out today at a review hearing that she will be moving to an Aunt next month. : ( We will also be hiring an attorney, but I am not hopeful that it will change the outcome. I can't stop crying. : (
I'm so sorry. I lost my first placement of 2 sisters to a family who could take all 5 siblings. They left the day before Christmas. do whatever you have to do to grieve.
robstine
We had our Foster son in our home since he was 5 days old. He would have been 6 months in 5days. They have been trying to place him with a 3rd cousing since Sept. but she hasn't been able to qualify because her boyfriend has child abuse and domestic violence charges against him. Well, our social worker that was trying to stop the placement has quit because the dept. went over her head and approved the transfer. We hired a lawyer and went to court today. They ordered him to be removed right away. We just left the court and received a call they wanted to pick him up in 3hrs. So they did! We watched him drive away and he was just looking at us smiling. Poor thing probably thought he would see us again. My husband and I are so upset we don't know what to do. His stuff is everywhere in our house so it's a constant reminder. I almost feel like he's in the other room asleep and will wake up soon. He's only been gone for 4 hrs now and I feel like it's forever. I don't know how to cope with this. Do you have any advice for us?
Last night was the worst night of our lives without our baby. I hope everynight isn't that bad. Will I ever run out of tears?