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We had our Foster son in our home since he was 5 days old. He would have been 6 months in 5days. They have been trying to place him with a 3rd cousing since Sept. but she hasn't been able to qualify because her boyfriend has child abuse and domestic violence charges against him. Well, our social worker that was trying to stop the placement has quit because the dept. went over her head and approved the transfer. We hired a lawyer and went to court today. They ordered him to be removed right away. We just left the court and received a call they wanted to pick him up in 3hrs. So they did! We watched him drive away and he was just looking at us smiling. Poor thing probably thought he would see us again. My husband and I are so upset we don't know what to do. His stuff is everywhere in our house so it's a constant reminder. I almost feel like he's in the other room asleep and will wake up soon. He's only been gone for 4 hrs now and I feel like it's forever. I don't know how to cope with this. Do you have any advice for us?
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I don't know... I don't know...
We have had our little one for almost exactly a year. We were surprised to find out today at a review hearing that she will be moving to an Aunt next month. : ( We will also be hiring an attorney, but I am not hopeful that it will change the outcome. I can't stop crying. : (
I'm so sorry. I lost my first placement of 2 sisters to a family who could take all 5 siblings. They left the day before Christmas. do whatever you have to do to grieve.
robstine
We had our Foster son in our home since he was 5 days old. He would have been 6 months in 5days. They have been trying to place him with a 3rd cousing since Sept. but she hasn't been able to qualify because her boyfriend has child abuse and domestic violence charges against him. Well, our social worker that was trying to stop the placement has quit because the dept. went over her head and approved the transfer. We hired a lawyer and went to court today. They ordered him to be removed right away. We just left the court and received a call they wanted to pick him up in 3hrs. So they did! We watched him drive away and he was just looking at us smiling. Poor thing probably thought he would see us again. My husband and I are so upset we don't know what to do. His stuff is everywhere in our house so it's a constant reminder. I almost feel like he's in the other room asleep and will wake up soon. He's only been gone for 4 hrs now and I feel like it's forever. I don't know how to cope with this. Do you have any advice for us?
Last night was the worst night of our lives without our baby. I hope everynight isn't that bad. Will I ever run out of tears?
Last night was the worst night of our lives without our baby. I hope everynight isn't that bad. Will I ever run out of tears?
I know this thread is old, but I really do hope you have healed in the time that has passed. Our situation is almost identical to yours and the grief I am feeling is almost too much to bear. Our FS came to us at 4 days old, straight from the hospital. With his disfunctional family, case management seemed to feed into our growing love for him by almost assuring us that someday, he could be ours. At 3 months old, we found out that a first cousin twice removed from another state was interested in adopting him. Again, case management fed us misinformation to keep us believing that we were still the best choice for him as “the judges in our area don’t like to do out of state adoptions”. Two days ago, we learned that everything we had been fed were lies and our FS is more than likely going to be adopted out to these distant relatives. We have had FS for 4 1/2 months and will have him another couple of months at the least, probably, while they file the paperwork and go through the court proceedings. The thought of him not being ours forever and one day leaving for good has me overcome with grief. I can’t look at him without crying, I can’t think about him without crying. I am trying so hard to hold it together for him, for my other children, but this is a pain unlike anything I have ever felt. I feel broken. I do hope after all of this time, you look back at your situation and can smile remembering the good times that you spent together, because I have to believe that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel that I am in.
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Hi, I found this forum in desperation to ease my pain. It really helps knowing we are not the only ones suffering because of such a bad system. We are new to fostering, and we decides to go this route when, after trying to have kids for many years, found out how expensive were the pregnancy treatments and legal adoption processes. Our hope was to find a Foster kid that we would eventually adopt taking the risk of this to never happen. After many months we received not one, but two siblings, a boy(2) and a girl (3). Both removed from home because their mother had a car accident under the influence with both kids in the car, the father confessed to negligence by leaving both kids with the mother intoxicated several times. We came to find out the father was also a drug addict having his license suspended since 2014 and having several misdemeanors for traffic stops where they found drugs in the car. However, the court only mandated random drug tests for the mother and not the father. We've had the kids since January this year, the grandparents took care of them for a month but refused to keep them because of health issues. Both kids were behind on their speech, in fact the 2 yo didn't speak at all. Both had stomach issues and after scheduling dr's appointments, we found out their nutrition wasn't the best and they had to be on a special diet. Neither one was potty trained and they had diarrhea on a daily basis. 4 moths later after enrolling them in daycare, speech and occupational therapy, the 3yo speaks more clearly and she is now fully potty trained, the 1yo is now saying words and is advancing very quick. Stomach issues were over until the mother started feeding them juice, chips, and gummies during visits. they would get diarrhea right after the fact. Despite letting know the case worker and managers our concerns about this, the mother still does it without any regards for the kids' health. Two months ago our case worker mentioned the grandparents wish for us to adopt the kids since they know the parents are not fit to do so. Everything sounded promising until our case worker was fired a month ago. Her supervisor took the case and she is very unresponsive ignoring our calls and messages. Three weeks ago we met the grandparents by chance (at church of all places), They were very grateful to meet us and raised their concern about the kids getting back to their parents, begging us to keep them. Yesterday was the JR hearing to review the parents' case. It was like we were there just to watch. We were not considered for any of the questions made, the case worker barely mentioned the kids leaving situation and failed to explain their therapy and their improvement since we got them. She was defending the mother over and over again saying how great she was at visits (We were told by our previous case manager the mother would only paint the girl's toenails and leave the boy wandering without paying attention). They confirmed dad wasn't required to pass random drug test, and the mother passed all of them as of yesterday without questioning her alcohol problem. They talked about moving forward requesting more visits over the week and even overnight visits, aiming to give the kids back to the parents by December of this year. We are devastated and disappointed at how this case is being handled. The suffering and the lack of support from child services has made us decide not to do this ever again. We still have 7 months to go and we will love the kids the same way we have been doing it but we cannot inflict this pain on us more than once.
I know this thread is old, but I really do hope you have healed in the time that has passed. Our situation is almost identical to yours and the grief I am feeling is almost too much to bear. Our FS came to us at 4 days old, straight from the hospital. With his disfunctional family, case management seemed to feed into our growing love for him by almost assuring us that someday, he could be ours. At 3 months old, we found out that a first cousin twice removed from another state was interested in adopting him. Again, case management fed us misinformation to keep us believing that we were still the best choice for him as “the judges in our area don’t like to do out of state adoptions”. Two days ago, we learned that everything we had been fed were lies and our FS is more than likely going to be adopted out to these distant relatives. We have had FS for 4 1/2 months and will have him another couple of months at the least, probably, while they file the paperwork and go through the court proceedings. The thought of him not being ours forever and one day leaving for good has me overcome with grief. I can’t look at him without crying, I can’t think about him without crying. I am trying so hard to hold it together for him, for my other children, but this is a pain unlike anything I have ever felt. I feel broken. I do hope after all of this time, you look back at your situation and can smile remembering the good times that you spent together, because I have to believe that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel that I am in.
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"Losing a foster child"
I can't imagine why anyone would archive this Thread!
The loss of a child from foster care is a huge and profound issue that changes the lives of adults in ways that not one foster parent signed up for, and changes the lives of the children in foster care, in ways that no child should have to cope with.
Foster parent loss is real, the grief is real, the staggering weight of being "mommy" or "daddy," and then being Nothing and No One.
"Losing a foster child"
This loss of your foster child brings the loss of control over one's life, which can best be understood when we recognize that it goes against all of the instincts of a mother and a father, to watch a caseworker drive up to their home and take the child they love, away, forever.
Being unable to stop the removal of a child that has been in your home for months to years, brings a deep sense of grief that cannot be described to others, who have not experienced this themselves, and brings a grief that forever cannot be reconciled.
My children were "reunified" with DNA parent that had not parented any of their multiple children for decades, which included my children, who they had never, even for one day, cared for.
My children arrived in my home, because no DNA relative would take them.
I loved and cared for m children for 5 years.
Then the DNA parent demanded to have their property back, and DNA wins, and me and my children, and the family we built from the ground up, lost.
The loss of my children will be with me forever.
The loss of a stable loving home, will be with my children forever, and as the parent that tried for 5 years to protect them from having to ever move again, I carry that loss too.
I share, because it's hard to believe that anyone would archive one of the most significant aspects of being a foster parent, GRIEF and LOSS.
Michelle
Last update on May 28, 9:24 pm by michelle foss.
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Originally Posted By Laura Luehr
My husband and I are losing our foster child that was placed in our home with the understanding that the state would term the birth parents rights, now after six months the state dicided to place the child with a distant cousin. My husband and I feel like there has been a death in the family and no one can understand better than someone who has been there.If there is someone out there that has been there can you help us learn to cope?