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I am really confused. I have been in a very rocky reunion with my daughter for 7 years this December. She loves the interenet and it is the only way I know what is going on and stuff with her. She has pulled back over and over. Usually when it gets close to time to f2f. Each time we both decide - ok, we are ready, suddenly she explodes and pulls back.
Is this normal? I mean, is it fear on her part? What should I do? After all 7 years is kind of getting old, you know what I mean?
I love her more than life and yet I can't seem to do things right or whatever.
Please, have any of you ever had this experience? HELP!
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Silver,
I think that is your only choice. I would try to find a time where she is alone. Is that possible?
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I agree. I have already worked it out. I will arrive at a time after her husband leaves and before there could be normal visitors. My cousin is a doll and will help as she can, she is my driver and photographer! LOL - and we will have great fun. I am scared to the point of being sick every time I eat - but I am going to do it.
I love her far to much to let things sit in the stew anymore!
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The trip sounds like fun....but I do hope it won't be a complete surprise....as that may not go over too well.
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Actually during one of her more interesting temper tantrums she basically said - get up off your behind and face me. I usually ignore them, but at this point and with all of her fear and anxiety (got an insider giving me the low down on what is up) it is unlikely that she will have a negative reaction.
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SilverWitch
Actually during one of her more interesting temper tantrums she basically said - get up off your behind and face me.
You know, she may just need you to assert yourself and mother her.
A Mom knows best kind of thing, you know?
I can tell you as a reunited adoptee, who was 39 when I met my mother, there were feelings within me that were childlike and when my mother would be reassuring or comforting.....basically "mothering me", it felt good. I needed it, even at my age.
It is hard as an adult, because you don't realize how much you need your mother and when those feelings raise up inside you, it is scary. It makes you feel so vulnerable, as you are always afraid if you let yourself need her in the way you feel you should, she will leave.
This adoption/reunion situation is complicated ( I am speaking as an adoptee) and there are so many different emotions one doesn't expect to feel, but you do.
Being that this has been going on for 7 years, I think you are doing the right thing. You are taking charge and leading the way, which may be what your daughter needs and honestly, is waiting for.
I am hoping all the best for you and your daughter
K
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Thank you! You have no idea how scared I am that she will hate me or something. She is seriously independant with regards to parents - adoptive parents and her have a crappy relationship if any at all - and I believe it is because she remembers me conscioiusly, not like an infant. She was almost 4 when they adopted her and she was very bonded to me.
I feel she is lost and wants to say it, but is scared and only knows the childish tantrum thing. I will try to be good about everything.
You have no idea how your words help me.
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SilverWitch
She was almost 4 when they adopted her and she was very bonded to me.
Well, I can tell you I felt/feel "bonded" to my mother almost instantly, and I was adopted as an infant. I read a book called "Birth Bond" which really helped to explain what was going on.
Being that your girl was adopted at 4 years old, I can imagine she is experiencing even more intense feelings of fear than I did.
Of course, this is just my guess, but coming from my experience, I cant imagine her not being totally terrified of the intense feelings she has for you and the fact that she will experience a second loss where you are concerned.
I think you are doing the right thing and can only advise you to be patient and reassurning. I imagine that is a tall order when you have to deal with your own feelings that are probably just as intense. This is hard stuff.
I wish you all the best Silver
Kim
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SilverWitch
Actually during one of her more interesting temper tantrums she basically said - get up off your behind and face me. I usually ignore them, but at this point and with all of her fear and anxiety (got an insider giving me the low down on what is up) it is unlikely that she will have a negative reaction.
I agree with Austin. I think this is an invitation, so to speak. It does sound like she has some very intense feelings, so you might want to prepare for that, just in case, but I agree with the others. It sounds like maybe she just wants you to take that first big step. Good luck.
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Shadow and Kim,
Thank you! I never considered she would feel a second loss! mmmm - that could be why she is afraid. I will have to make sure that she knows I am there - no matter what the situation.
I am so scared I am sick to my stomach all the time. Nervous and not sleeping well. It will pass, I hope.
The bond between us was and is extraordinary. The social worker that forced it was determined that we were not bonded even when the psychiatrists kept telling her that we were part of each other. So, fear has a lot to do with it.
I will be very careful! Thank you so much!
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Good luck, and enjoy your trip. She sounds to me like she really needs you so don't give up no matter what happens.
bprice215
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Well, I went! WOW! Thank you all so much. It was wonderful and I am not disappointed. She did need me to be the first one to step forward.
I went and the love was amazing. No anger, no ugliness, just a lot of love and conversation and pictures and hugging. It was the best day of 27 years of my life sans my hubby and I getting married.
We are now past all the junk and just loving each other. Conversations are real and not filled with anger or any of the needy crazy crap. We are making plans to try and have a visit in my home before she joins her husband overseas. When they get leave to come home, it will be here! I love her so much. It is almost scary. And to know that it is mutual, that is fabulous!
Thank you all for your help. I will never forget the kind words and advice. And hopefully, for me, the rollercoaster ride is over.
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Silver,
I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how the visit went.
This is such fabulous news. I am so happy for you and your girl.
Mother nature has righted herself, and you and your daughter are where you both belong.....with each other.
Wonderful, fabulous news. I am so happy for you.
Kim
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