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We originally had hoped for some sort of openness with our children's family and thought it would include their parents. That changed when we discovered they had been sexually abusing them. We continued some level of openness with the extended family but really thought it would be an occasional thing. It's more than that. We have developed a wonderful relationship with their maternal aunt and uncle over the last 2 years that will some day include unsupervised visits for the kids. We are beginning to build a relationship with another of their maternal aunt and uncles, I am sure it will be quite a long time before we consider unsupervised but we will be planning visits and are now talking about a vacation together. Their gparents will always be highly supervised around the kids b/c I do not trust the Gma and both have habits of drinking to the point of passing out nightly. I adore Gpa, he is a real character and loves to talk to me at length about his new dentures or his last run.We were invited to a family get together yesterday and I was a bit hesitant b/c I wasn't sure how comfortable I would be with tons of strangers around the kids. I have visited with every one separately but not all at once. It went beautifully, we had the best time. We were a few minutes late due to traffic (on a Sunday, who knew) and I was a bit frazzled but we made it. Lunch was ready and it was good. They insisted I bring nothing and do nothing. This is not me and I felt out of place about it. The kids loved serving themselves and drinking Coke. We left and went to the river shortly after eating. Every one splashed around and slide down the rocks for hours. We never ran out of things to say and laughed so hard our bellies hurt. Every one has tried very hard not to step on toes and learn boundaries. I noticed each family member needed to have the time with me to explain why they didn't step up for the kids, I assured them they did the right thing b/c the kids are were they needed to be to heal. The kids left feeling so proud of themselves for all the compliments they received on their manners and behavior. It cemented for us that they really need to continue previous family relationships on some level. It has helped them understand where they came from and what happened in a realistic light. It would never have been the same just hearing it from us, they needed to hear it from the people that were there. When we left, their cousin asked me if she could call us Aunt R and Uncle M. It made our day, all of us. They fully accept us as the parents of their nieces and nephew w/o question. They believe my children. Most importantly, they love my children.
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Tudu
We originally had hoped for some sort of openness with our children's family and thought it would include their parents. That changed when we discovered they had been sexually abusing them. We continued some level of openness with the extended family but really thought it would be an occasional thing. It's more than that. We have developed a wonderful relationship with their maternal aunt and uncle over the last 2 years that will some day include unsupervised visits for the kids. We are beginning to build a relationship with another of their maternal aunt and uncles, I am sure it will be quite a long time before we consider unsupervised but we will be planning visits and are now talking about a vacation together. Their gparents will always be highly supervised around the kids b/c I do not trust the Gma and both have habits of drinking to the point of passing out nightly. I adore Gpa, he is a real character and loves to talk to me at length about his new dentures or his last run.
We were invited to a family get together yesterday and I was a bit hesitant b/c I wasn't sure how comfortable I would be with tons of strangers around the kids. I have visited with every one separately but not all at once. It went beautifully, we had the best time. We were a few minutes late due to traffic (on a Sunday, who knew) and I was a bit frazzled but we made it. Lunch was ready and it was good. They insisted I bring nothing and do nothing. This is not me and I felt out of place about it. The kids loved serving themselves and drinking Coke.
We left and went to the river shortly after eating. Every one splashed around and slide down the rocks for hours. We never ran out of things to say and laughed so hard our bellies hurt. Every one has tried very hard not to step on toes and learn boundaries. I noticed each family member needed to have the time with me to explain why they didn't step up for the kids, I assured them they did the right thing b/c the kids are were they needed to be to heal. The kids left feeling so proud of themselves for all the compliments they received on their manners and behavior.
It cemented for us that they really need to continue previous family relationships on some level. It has helped them understand where they came from and what happened in a realistic light. It would never have been the same just hearing it from us, they needed to hear it from the people that were there.
When we left, their cousin asked me if she could call us Aunt R and Uncle M. It made our day, all of us. They fully accept us as the parents of their nieces and nephew w/o question. They believe my children. Most importantly, they love my children.
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That's wonderful!!!
We also have OA with the families of the kids we adopted from fc. With the younger kids, we have visits with their bmom and her parents. With the older kids, we were having visits with their biological woman until we found out some VERY disturbing things. We have since cut off all contact, but have visits with their paternal grandmother, uncle and cousin.
I think bio visits can add a lot to the child if the family is safe.
We have had to do some adjusting to who we feel is safe, too. The kids have had some mixed behaviors after visits except this one. Every one left feeling great, no one had meltdowns or felt desperate. It was uplifting and healing for them. I am glad to know others are having a great experience, as well b/c so many thought we were crazy to want this.
lovemy6
That's wonderful!!!
We also have OA with the families of the kids we adopted from fc. With the younger kids, we have visits with their bmom and her parents. With the older kids, we were having visits with their biological woman until we found out some VERY disturbing things. We have since cut off all contact, but have visits with their paternal grandmother, uncle and cousin.
I think bio visits can add a lot to the child if the family is safe.