Question for Birth mothers who have other children

I can only speak for myself but I would bet that this double life is eating your bmom up. I've been in reunion for a little over a year and telling my rkids (22, 19 & 16) was one of the hardest, scariest things I've had to do. If my bson had not kept after me I would of put it off for as long as I could. I kept "the secret" for 28 years but not because I didn't want to tell anyone about my bson. I tried and wanted to tell people but when I would open my mouth nothing would come out but thoughts filled with hurt and pain. What was I so scared of? Well I knew that telling this secret would/ could change my present life forever. And not knowing how my rkids would take the news was more than I thought I could bear. Remember we had already lost one child and in telling we might loose another child? I'm sure that must sound stupid but it's how some bmoms think. I'm sure it is very difficult for you to understand why it's so hard for us bmoms. You could get lost walking a mile in our shoes. Just try to hang in there and give your bmom as much time as she needs. Not telling her daughter has really nothing to do with you personally. I'm sure your bmom wants it all and just doesn't know how to obtain that right now. I hope this helps some.

I had an adoptee friend who pushed her bmother into tellling the bsibs. Eventually bmother did and two bsibs gave bmother grief, things turned bad at home for bmother etc long story short it impacted negatively on their relationship and adoptee friend said she wished she hadn't pushed - because she wasn't really interested in relationship with bsibs anyway. she just hated being kept a secret. What do you want out of this relationship? Do you want to meet bsib? Are you going to be in bmother's life long term? Do you want to meet her? Do the family reunion thing? As a birthmother would it eat me up? No...I'd want to be secure in the relationship, know that you are going to be there for the long haul, probably get to know you better, meet you face to face by myself first - lots of things before taking that next step. It could add another complication that bmother doesn't want right now while she's getting to know you. I don't know if I'd want to share my new relationship with anyone for a long time!

I am am adoptive parent but my mother is a bmom as such and i have a half-brother 5 yrs older than me..I was not told until i was 15 and that was only because someone threatened to tell me.I was furious with my mom that she hadnt told me ,, but the truth was that she just didnt know how and the older i got the harder it was for her to tell me because she hadnt already,, she was so afraid that i would hate her for it,, also other emotions tied into it as it was the closed-era and she was shipped off to a home for unwed mothers and was abused there,,, lost one of the babies and nearly died,, woke up to the priest saying the "last rites" over her..although through all of this did place him willingly ,,,( although she has never been able to bring herself to tell me the full extent of what happened there,,,i have never seen such pain in my mothers face before)I understand why "now" that she hadnt told me but i would have been so hurt and have major feelings of betrayal if she was in contact with him and i still didnt know he existed,,,, its a tough one,,

I have two boys that I am raising. I didn't choose to tell them about my daughter, that I placed because, I didn't want them to feel the pain I feel. My ex husband decided after the divorce to tell the 12 year old, and just recently someone mentioned it to our 8 year old. It's not something I am ready to really discuss with them yet. It's so hard to talk about. I can't imagine having a relationship with my daughter, and not let them know that I have met her. I think it is something, I can't be sure until I get there. If she has no desire to see them, then it would seem like there would be pain involved for them.

I chose to tell my (raised) son when he was about 15 and he promptly told my daughter (then 13). We talked a little about it then and not really again until I found their half-brother. For us it has gone pretty smoothly; they met D at the same time I did. They have their own relationships with D and his family. The difference for me, I think, is that I never kept D an unmentionable secret. I didn't talk much about him, but I did tell others of his existance when I got to know them. It's very hard to share something that you have kept secret for 20 years or more. Many of us birthmoms have been imbued with a deep sense of guilt and shame. When we share the secret with our kids, we fear rejection. Also, unfortunately, the children wonder what other secrets have been hidden from them so it becomes a trust issue.

Thanks to everyone who answered. I have not pushed b-mom to tell. I just thought she would have by now. I do not want to pressure her in any way. by the way, I am in it for the long haul whether she tells her daughter or not. I would like to have a relationship with both of them but if b-mom is only comfortable with a secret email relationship for now then I will respect her desires and place no pressures on her. I do not want to disrupt her life. I was just wondering if it is a hard thing for her to be doing. Thanks again everyone!!