Need Advice

BEAUTIFULLY stated, tazer. i'm going to cut and copy your post just so i can read it.... This is a very emotional issue for me speaking personally. I discovered yesterday from my daughters A-aunt that one of the reasons *J* acts out when everything seems to be going well between us is that she gets the 3rd degree and loads of guilt from her Mom; a lady that I have the utmost respect for. I have bent over backwards to make her see that I pose absolutely no threat to her as a mother. I'm fighting a losing battle b/c I'm not the enemy here, her insecurity is. How is it possible that as a Mom I'm capable of loving 4 kids equally but my daughter isn't allowed to love 2 women at once? Why must she be expected to choose? Did she really think that *J* would suddenly obtain my name and address and throw away the only life she's ever known? Heaven help her if *J* meets the man of her dreams someday! But according to some of the posters here *J* should ignore her own mind and heart out of a sick sense of loyalty to her A-mom. I knew at *J*'s placement that I would not "Mother" her; that was the plan. I could not "mother" her and that was the reason. Had I needed someone to keep her until I was able to I'd have looked for a babysitter or accepted the offer of various relatives, including my own parents. I placed her b/c I wanted her with a Mom who could love her with every fiber of her being. LOVE, not possess, not control, just love her. I love my kids more than I love myself and I am in no way threatened by any other relationships they may develop. I am secure in the job I've done in raising them and if I should die tonight and d/h should remarry tomorrow after 16 years of me having been the one who wiped away tears, bandaged banged knees, held on tight when the first boyfriend decided to bail, beat butts when I needed to and ignored secrets that I accidently overheard, that I will not be forgotten or replaced. They have big hearts and even if NEW MOM is the greatest, I am MOM now and forever and anything else is secondary. My daughters do not remember what it was like in my womb, but they will never forget what it's been like between us since then. That's what IMO *J* 's A-moms needs to hear. I honestly believe that my placed daughter and I have a bond that developed in he womb, but it is NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING in comparison to the HISTORY she has with her. Tracy

I agree the poster needs to do what's best for her. Tazer: I don't this it's a "loyalty" issue, I think it's more trying not to "hurt the one you love" issue. .[FONT=Verdana]I agree with this statement. The achild and afamily have a history and memories together, nothing can replace that. The amom needs to realize that. That's why the poster SHOULD invite the bmom.[/FONT]

I feel like I need to defend myself or at least explain myself to the anti-bparent poster. First of all, my daughter's birthday is two MONTHS away. I gave my amom time to think about it and she said it was fine and only after I invited bmom she changed her mind. It's not as if I am haphazardly throwing this together just to see what happens. The other thing I want you to know is that my bmom found me. In fact, she knew who and where I was when I was only 15 years old, yet out of RESPECT to me and my family she waited until I was 19 because she didn't want to interrupt my life. This speaks VOLUMES as to the type of human being she is. I also want to say that my aparents have never accepted this. In fact, I have pulled away numerous times over the last 10 years from bmom because it has hurt my amom so much. I remember one of the first conversations bmom and I had was me telling her that I didn't need a mom because I already had one of those and her reply was, "I don't want to be your mom, I just want to be your friend."I don't feel like I "owe" my aparents anything other than what I have already given them - which is love and respect. It actually saddens me that someone would feel like this because you need to remind yourself that you didn't ask to be in this situation. Technically, if anyone owes anyone anything, then someone should say thank you to the millions of bmoms that make the hardest choice of their lives in the best interest of someone else. By human nature, we are very self-serving individuals and it is truly unique when someone can do something completely unselfish. I guess in some ways, this whole situation blows my mind. I guess I expected my aparents to have a different reaction to this. It's not like I just showed up on their doorstep and it's not like it's only been a few months since amom has contacted me. After 10 years, I am just sad that my amom can't see that even though bmom and I have a relationship, it hasn't taken anything from our relationship and in some ways it has made it stronger. No one can ever replace my amom and to be honest, for me, when I met bmom for the first time, there were no bells and whistles and sparks, it was like meeting a stranger. I just wish sometimes that we could all take a step back and let go of the insecurities and just enjoy life.

dmentia, it blows my mind that you have known your bmom for 10 years and your amom still refuses to meet her. as an a mom (and the wife of an adoptee whose sis reunited with her bmom), I just think that your amom is putting you in a "no win" situation. it seems to me that you have handled everything very well and it's time to make choices based on what you want for yourself and your family. happy (early) bday to DD!

That's really unfortunate that your amom has issues with your reunion with bmom. I guess there's really not much you can do about changing amom's mind, sounds like she's being stubborn with her stance on things. It's good that you haven't pulled away from her, or bmom. Hard as it may be, I think it's best to follow your heart and mind - although loved ones may not agree or approve, they still love you. As far as the party goes, I don't think it would be at all appropriate to take back an invitation because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I also think that it's ridiculous to suggest having two parties. Although the situation is different, it is also similar.....my mom and dad did not like my father in law when my children were little (he really was a loser). But, I invited all grandparents to my kids' birthday parties and there was never a rude word spoken because they all loved their grandchildren. Children grow up so fast, I hope you don't stress too much over this. The focus needs to be your baby turning 2. Enjoy your little one and invite the grandparents, hopefully they'll all show up and get along. If amom won't come around, then it would be her choice to not come. You should never uninvite anyone. Good luck!

Hi Dmentia...I am so moved by your posts! I truly wish you could teach a post adoption class or write a book. I as a B-mom came into reunion with no expectations or even desires to take the place of the woman who did everything except give birth to her. As I said none of my kids remember life in my womb; we are bonded by the experiences we've shared since then. My son at 3 weeks of age has spent more time in utero than out so far but if I should be taken away today he will bond with and grow to love anyone who steps up and provides what he needs in life, be they blood relatives or otherwise, and I for one would not have it any other way. I understand what you are saying in this thread. IMO the ball is in your A-moms court and she can either join in or sit at home and pout but she should not have the right to dictate who will and will not attend this childs party. :thanks: Tracy

D - ten years AND your birth mother sounds like a totally normal, boundary respecting (is that a term?) and loving woman. Your amom is making a huge mistake. She's alienating people who never had any intention of alienating HER!? I don't even think this is an adoption issue at this point. I can't help but wonder if she's a jealous or insecure person to begin with? Is she difficult with other relatives? As an amom I'm just trying to wrap my head around this! Did anything bad happen between them before?

I think my amom has her own insecurities to deal with. She lost both her parents at a very young age and was raised by relatives. I'm not sure if this has some underlying relation to what is going on.Bmom and amom have had no contact at all - except for one instance, about 6 years ago when I moved and bmom called to get my number. Of course, she didn't just ask for my number, she gave them her number and asked that they give it to me in CASE I wanted to call her. My brother still lived at home and told me that my adad was really rude to her on the phone and told her never to call there again. I ended up getting in touch with bmom on my own and of course she never mentioned any of this to me. As far as I know, that is the only contact they've ever had.As I said in my original post, I have offered (some may say beg - haha) my amom to talk to someone about this - someone that maybe specializes in these types of issues and she has refused. She says it's not important to her and doesn't want "those people" in her life. My amom isn't exactly the epitome of what I strive to be in a person, but she has always been there for me. Amom did tell me that she went and talked to someone about it and basically she was right and I am in the wrong for "pushing" this on everyone. Of course, I'm not sure if she really did speak to someone or if she told them it's been ten years. I have a hard time believing that anyone specializing in human behavior wouldn't have seen a red flag when she said it has been such an enormous amount of time.I am glad I decided to post on here. I feel like I have a lot more strength than I have ever had and I want to hold on to what I believe is right. Regardless of the outcome, DD is going to have the best birthday party ever - and the best thing - she won't have a clue that anything is wrong!!!!!

Hi Tazer, You said, As I said none of my kids remember life in my womb; we are bonded by the experiences we've shared since then. While we are bonded by experiences, there is also a birth bond that invokes extremely powerful feelings in the adopted child/adult upon contact with the natural mother. To understand this, I read a book called Birth Bond. It really helped me understand some of the unanticipated feelings that hit me when I reunited with my first mom. I would highly recommend it to natural mothers if they would like to gain some insight into some of the feelings experienced by their surrendered children. Just a thought... Kim

Kim I would think it would be good for aparents to read this as well, no?

Honestly the way I look at this situation is not a loyalty between amom vs. bmom, but general respect for decisions made by an adult. Having the courtesy and ability to get over one's personal feelings to make the best of a situation they might not want to be in. My kids are 11 and under and I already have thoughts of the "evil mother in law" situation. LOL! Meaning I have thoughts of my sons spending Xmas (my fave holiday) with their wive's families because that is what evil mother in law will dictate.;) Am I going to have to suck that up at times? You bet. If I don't like some people in their lives as adults, am I going to have to deal? Yep! And why? Because my love & relationship with my child and grandchildren will supersede my opinions or feelings on things. I would not ruin a relationship with them because of pettiness. Does that mean I don't have choices on what I do? No..I can say "I'm not comfortable but respect your decisions. Maybe I can get together with you for dinner to celebrate xx" (If I'm really that uncomfortable and can't handle it, that is) In the end though...it's simply not a case of competition or this vs. that, but as a mom doing what is right by or for your child.

Hi Storm, I do think that would be a great read for Aparents, especially those that have no biological children. It will really help all sides to understand what is natural in the child and why some of the behaviors are what they are in reunion situations. It is a great read and a real eye opener. K

Sorry if I hit a nerve with my comments. I have nothing but respect for bmoms and their sacrifice. My bmom gave me up in the early 50's because she wanted a better life for me, and for that I love her immensely. Sadly, she died in 1965. Back in the 50's, I'm sure my aparents never imagined that I would ever find my identity since they were told all records were sealed. They probably felt very secure that I was indeed their child forever and forever. If my bmom had lived, and I had been able to find her, I would certainly have kept that information from my afamily because it would have been too hurtful to them. I think it is wonderful when everyone gets along after a reunion, and both moms can come together to celebrate. But when the amom feels threatened or insecure, I still think that her feelings need to be given more consideration. In my case, since my bmom is deceased, I often feel that however I treat my amom, I am doing the same to my bmom. If I give my amom a hug, I am simultaneously hugging my bmom. My bmom relinquished me to be a daughter to a childless couple. In my mind, it is my responsibility to be the best daughter I can be in her honor. I am sure that is what she intended when she gave me up. When I finally meet her in heaven, I want her to be proud of the loving daughter that I have tried to be. I think of my bmom daily, and I feel that she is with me in spirit. Whatever I do, I do in her honor. She gave me this life, and I hope I have lived up to her expectations.

Very well said, SoniaRose.

dmentia butting in late here...but a little clue to your amums behaviour came to me when you wrote that she lost both her parents at a young age. Often a trauma in a childs life at a very young age can hinder the natural growth in emotional/cognitve development...quite often associated with the frontal lobe of the brain. There are huge amounts of information out there on this particular subject, but the ability to "share" can often be impeded, ( this is cutting a very long story short). If we can't share then we are selfish. A self defence mechanism. I wonder if this can explain some of your amums reactions. Emotional blackmail is a very handy tool, don't be sucked in by it. Selfish is selfish no matter for what reason. Stay true to who you are, spread your love and good luck susie