Just wondering...

Roller, I think your situation is completely different from Tazers. You are an adult. Her daughter is still a child. You seem to be angry at your wife for not "listening" to your feelings. Tazer's daughter's feelings are that of a child, who still has some maturing to do. I understand that you do not like your wife's bio family, but what, exactly, is it you want your wife to do?

To leave me out of the reunion process if I choose. To not berate me for making that choice. To realize that my opinions and feelings are just as important has hers." Am I understanding this? You want her to give you the same respect and consideration you are giving her? I think that's only fair. My husband doesn't like my Bsis. My Bsis and I are very close. I understand my husbands feelings towards my Bsis. She can be a huge, gianormous, pain in the behind. To say she is sometimes a little bit overbearing and obnscious at times is an understatement. Heck, as much as I love her, and bless her heart, she even gets on my nerves. My husband doesn't like to be around her. I get that. He doesn't have to like her. Whether he likes her or not, she is stil my Bsis. If he doesn't want to spend time with her, I certainly wont force him to do so. However, that doesn't give him the right to stop me from doing so. If he doesn't want to join in my relationship with her, he doesn't have to. However, that doesn't give him the right to tell me she isn't welcome at our home, or that I can't include her in important events in my life. I wouldn't expect him to be overjoyed or greet her with open arms. I would, however, expect him to be civil and polite. He is more than welcome to keep his distance, avoid her, whatever he needs to do, but if he were to try to stop me from including her in my life, it wouldn't take me a second to tell him what he could kiss and where. I need to state here that I would also not allow my Bsis to mistreat or disrespect my husband, which is something she would unintentionally do. Were she to do so, I'd be all over her like stink on you know what. I would also expect him to not badmouth her, even if what he said were true. I love and respect my husband, and were their a family member on his side, adoptive or biological that I did not like, or respect, I would give him the same love and respect I expect him to give me.. It has nothing to do with me bing an adoptee, or me reuniting with my bio sis. I would feel the same were she my sis by adoption, and my husband would also have the same feelings. My reunion with my Bdad was a completely emotional, obsessive, roller coaster. My poor husband got completely run over at times. It wasn't easy on him. There is no doubt in my mind he felt like you at times. I know he got tired of hearing about all the drama. I know he got angry about it. He didn't understand. He stayed out of it, and there were times I felt like he didn't care. I got angry with him at those times. Because of that anger, it was hard to see his point of view. We've muddled through and are closer now than ever. Had he ever once tried to discourage me from having a relationship with my BDad, world war III would have been on. As hard as it was to see him and his feelings, I always tried to do so. Sometimes I did a better job of it than others. I understand now, that those times I thought he didn't care, he really just didn't know what to do or say, and was angry and frustrated at the situation. I also realize that any thing I perceived as him trying to discourage me from a relationship, was him not wanting me to get hurt. He was trying to protect me. Sometimes he handled things well...sometimes he didn't. It was just hard at times. Is it possible that you and your wife are making this much harder and painful than it really has to be because you are both frustrated and angry, not so much just at each other, but at the whole situation? Maybe you are both expecting too much of each other at the moment, and might need to cut each other some slack for awhile? Is this really about adoption and reunion, or is that just what is getting the blame and being used as the excuse? I don't know...just throwing it out there for thought. "I understand tazer's daughter is still a child, but I probably understand her viewpoint better than I do anyone elses, because it seems we're being told about the same thing, and neither of us like it. It seems our feelings are not as important as the adoptee and b-family, and if we have problems with it, then we need to just deal with it.

Maybe we all just need to deal with our own feelings and stop expecting others to do it for us? We all just need to "deal" with it? It sucks, doesn't it?

Roller...when you got married you probably said some vows. I am not sure which vows you chose, but most vows include something about about "for better or worse". I have also heard people vow to be supportive. Anyway..in a marriage, this is how it is suppose to be. And yes, I am prepared for you to say "but how is she supporting your feelings in this." Well, you married her..and in doing so you married an adoptee...and when you married her you made a decision to support her. My pastor always taught us that "You have to give up your right to be right." I have done this MANY MANY MANY times. Sometimes it's small things, that I give my right to be right up for. Sometimes it is HUGE things that I have given up my right to be right about. I can think of one in particular, that I gave up my right to be right, and some of the people involved felt I had a right to leave and never look back...but I didn't. Since that time, I have had "promotions"...I have gained new experiences..new joys...which had I not been able to give up my right to be right, I would have missed out on. Perhaps that is what you need to do. I haven't heard ANYONE say that you have to ADORE these people...but what would be so wrong if you just supported your wife in this. Yes, she is the one who is the adoptee. ....

Also, a while back, you mentioned that you didn't understand why she would even want to meet them because her aparents were great. Well, I can tell you that hardly any search is done because the adoptee isn't happy with their parents. It is deeper then that. I feel sorry for people who think that adoptees and birthparents search each other out because other people in our lives aren't good enough. It's because there are some things that only the adoptee or bparent can be or give to each other.....

Roller..it is really sad that you feel like that you would rather have your marriage end! How often does your wife see her bfamily? How long ago did she find them, or them her?

You do need to deal with it. That's the point. I need to deal with it. That's the point. Your wife needs to deal with it. That's the point. It's how we choose to deal with it that matters the most in the long run. I wonder, however, how strong your marriage is, if you are willing to give up over this. I am not in your marriage, so I don't know. But I would think that there are other issues besides just adoption. I have talked to some other people, and I have come to realize in my own life, that sometimes the reason I react certain ways to situations has nothing to do with the situation itself, per se, but because of something deeper. This could go for your wife too. Perhaps she has something, deeper, in her, that makes you not "supporting" her with her bmom seem even more extreme then it might be. Have you tried counseling?