Since no one really can tell you how each reunion is gonna go, I'm looking for all the moral support I can get. I'll give a breif rundown of my situation.
When I was 2 weeks shy of my 15th birthday I gave birth to my son who my aparent's forced me to place (they told me abortion or adoption). I had a horrible experience with the social worker / agency too long to go into right now but suffice it to say it was horrible to the extreme.
My son's adoption was supposed to be semi-open, it turned out to be mostly semi-closed, for about 4 years it was totally closed. His aparents didn't tell him he was adopted until 2 1/2 months ago, he is 14 1/2 years old.
Fast forward to today. My son and I have been steadily building a relationship, we're in contact daily mostly through IM. I am also in contact with his aparents, everything has been going well. I just flew down to meet / spend time with him for about 4 days and it went great. Also spent time talking with his amom about things that I was told by the social worker / agency that were not true and vice versa. A lot of miscommunication was cleared up, it was a good thing, long time coming.
Anyhoo....I have this feeling that there is anger brewing underneath the surface with him. He already got mad at me over something that was not within my control. His amom told me something that I didn't know he didn't know she told me and he got mad at ME that she told me. :confused:
So how do I deal with any possible anger that he projects onto me?? I am also an adoptee so I have experience with that end of things as well, and I'm thinking that might help me in this situation but our adoptions were very different. I've also been in reunion with my firstmom for about 15 years and although we've had little tiffs I never had any real anger with her and vice versa.
Anyway....I guess I'm just looking for others who have gone through this. It's extra difficult because he is so young and I think also because he was not told the truth for so long.
Thanks for reading this if you've made it this far!!!
Thank you EZ. I think you understand where I was coming from.
I really don't see myself as having hostility and I definitely do not assume that everyone feels the same as I do. Perhaps the wording in my post was not done very well.
I just think that for a young teenager to all of a sudden have a birthmom enter their life is not a good idea. Let's face it, those teenage years are confusing and packed with drama already. I know that for me personally, I wouldn't have been able to handle that at that age. This search is emotionally draining enough and I'm almost 40 years old! I am not the mother in this situation, I was just offering my opinion. It is the bmom (and hopefully also the amom) that must make the decisions regarding what is best for the child in the case this original post is about.
By the way, I really am not a hostile person at all, I'm not really sure why some think I'm coming across that way. I am just a woman who loves her parents to the end of the earth and back. I am a mother and grandmother. I am a woman who is an adult adoptee and currently searching for my birth parents-for many personal reasons, one of which is out of respect, greatfulness, care and concern. I would love nothing more than to be able to contact my birth parents and tell them that I'm ok, I went to wonderful parents who raised me very well, I hold no negative feelings toward my birth parents. I'd just like for all us to get some answers to our lifetimes of wondering and some peace in our hearts.
I'm sorry if you think I have hostility. I really do not. Every person who comes to this sight obviously has been touched by adoption and we all have our own opinions and feelings that we are entitled to. Sometimes we may see things differently and that's ok. That's what makes us human. In the end we must each make our own decisions. You can take my opinions for what they are worth. It was never my intentions to be offensive or hostile to anyone.
Not to derail the thread. I do have a point to add. I too was in a closed adoption. One of my best friends has 3 adopted children. When they adopted them and I heard that they were open adoptions I felt that it was a bad idea. As I look at what I have to go through to find my bmom with the sealed court documents and all of the other BS, I now feel that open adoptions are in the childrens best interest. I don't think that the biological bond can ever be erased and to seal and close all records will only add to the frustration in the future.
I had always known that I was adopted but was discouraged from ever talking about it. When I was about 37 my bmom tried to contact me through Catholic Social services. Someone close to me took it upon themselves to open the letter and to call my amom to tell her about the letter and what was going on. My amom was terribly hurt and angry and of course I was caught in the middle. My amom couldn't understand why "SHE" would try to contact me and why "I" would even want any contact. My amom was as close to a saint as I've ever known but she went ballistic about the issue and I was the one caught in the middle. I decided against any contact at that time as both of my aparents were still living. I've seen an amom blow up because a bmom tried to become involved in an adoptees life. In the pecking order my bmom had to take a back seat which is unfortunate. had my amom not known I may have pursued it further. I was not a teen, in fact I had my own 16 and 18 year olds at the time, but it was still difficult for me.
just had to add that perspective.
I really don't know much about open adoptions, but from what I understand about it, it would be a much better option than a closed one. But in an open adoption, a child at the age of 14 would not be just finding out he was adopted and just beginning contact. I really think that in all adoptions, whether open or closed, that the adoptee has the right to know that they were adopted from the get go. No one should ever have to deal with finding this out at an older age. It should be something they have known about all of their life. If this were the case, then having contact with bmom would have began at a very young age and the anger issues would not exist to the extent that they do now. Relationships and roles would also have already been put into place and not left to be figured out when the child is at such a tender age. I don't understand how the adoption referred to in this post was semi open and yet the boy just found out he was adopted at the age of 14.
wishfulthinker
I don't understand how the adoption referred to in this post was semi open and yet the boy just found out he was adopted at the age of 14.
Wishfulthinker, usually a "semi open" adoption just means that the aparents provide occasional updates and photographs to the birthmother. There is no visitation, and usually no communication with the child...
I just added my take on open adoptions because I see what I am going through with a closed one. It was not meant to derail the thread. Just had to add it.
Raven,
Thanks for explaining. That would make more sense. If the aparents were up for a semi-open adoption, one would think that they would at least tell their child that he's adopted. That's crappy that they waited until he was 14 and then all of a sudden told him and apparently pushed the bmom to contact him. I really do feel badly for this kid. I still say that's too much to deal with at such a young age.
EZ2Luv
Just chiming in here as an adoptee and understand what Wishful was attempting to say. Adoptees sometimes get caught in the middle and are put in a place where they feel they must choose where their loyalty should be. This is why I am glad I was in a closed adoption.
This boy has suddenly recieved information that was once denoed and this is what his life was based on. While amoms and bmoms are not in competition it is VERY difficult for some adoptees. Let's face it, a bmom all of a sudden entering the picture and an adoptee being told "this is your bmom" is bound to be difficult. This bmom is basically a stranger to this boy .
I think so many times expect and instant bond from the adoptee or some kind of connection, but f all they know are the aparents it has to be mind boggling and yes enough to bring out anger.
Truth be told, ifmy bmom appeared in my life in my early teen years I would be mighty angry too. Angry `in a way that :how dare you suddenly appear after all these years and expect a place in my life" type of thing.
Some may disagree with me here but this is how I wouldfeel. also, I would feel like someone was trying to intrude and mess up my family, like an outsider.
Again, I understand what Wishful was trying to say and I am surte she did not intend to be hurtful. I believe that adoptees are the true victims caught in the middle and honestly this is where I am not completely sold on OA.
Growing up with aparents that love and care for you then to have a bmom sprung on you has to be shocking. I mean I wouldn't know where to begin if it were me in my early teen years. As I said, my first reaction would be anger.
EZ
That might be true in some cases, but I was talking about my situation and that is not what happened in my situation. I don't know why people feel the need to to keep interjecting it here.
He contacted me, and has pursued contact this entire time. I have never once "forced" myself upon him. Lest everyone forget, I am an adoptee as well, I know how it is.
I wish I had never posted this here as I was looking for support on how to best help my son deal with any possible anger issues he has. Instead I keep getting how evil firstmoms are who dare have a relationship with their minor children. Regardless of the fact that I in particular was blindsided by said contact and was not and have not been the initiator.
wishfulthinker
That's crappy that they waited until he was 14 and then all of a sudden told him and apparently pushed the bmom to contact him.
Apparently I have not been 100% clear, so for the last time....I DID NOT CONTACT HIM!!!! I was living my life, minding my own business when I recieved an email from him, asking me questions.
wishfulthinker
I don't understand how the adoption referred to in this post was semi open and yet the boy just found out he was adopted at the age of 14.
Because once I signed relinquishment papers they "had a change of heart" and decided that they were not going to tell him until "he was mature enough to handle the information."
Hi, Stinky Kitty...
I reunited with my son when he turned 18. This was 18 years ago now. And there was a lot of simmering anger, just beneath the surface. I could see it, and I talked to him about it. He denied feeling any anger toward me. And I let it go. I told him if he ever wanted to vent, if he ever wanted to talk about the anger, to feel free to bring up the subject with me. He never did...
My son is now 36 years old. And somewhere along the line between ages 18 and 36, the anger dissipated...it left him. I think the anger died down in his soul as time went by, as the years went by, as he began to trust me, as he saw I would never leave him.
Gosh, I think back to when I was a teenager. I was so angry at my dad for leaving me. I was mad at the world, too. Hormones are raging, life is confusing, you feel like a grown-up, but everybody is treating you like a child.
Your son just found out he was adopted. He's angry about the lie, and I think he feels safer directing the anger at you. He may not even feel that he is angry.
Just hang in there. Time and love will be the answer for you. Trust yourself, trust your instincts. Be patient with your son, and above all, let him know that he can't push you away, that you won't go away again. He's going to test you, test your limits. You're not alone. Many of us have gone thru this same situation. Hang in there...
My total apologies if I aggravated your grief or frustration in any way whatsoever. You've been on both sides and I only have my experiences to speak from.
You have my 100% support.
bakerjw
My total apologies if I aggravated your grief or frustration in any way whatsoever. You've been on both sides and I only have my experiences to speak from.
You have my 100% support.
It's okay, you did not upset me. I just feel like all these people want to blame me for this and as far as my current situation goes, I actually was innocent in the whole mess and was put in a really awkward/difficult situation.
I had two choices. I either denied him contact, which I'm sorry, but I just couldn't do that. OR....I start to try and build a relationship with my 14 year old son who is angry at being lied to his entire life.
RavenSong
Hi, Stinky Kitty...
I reunited with my son when he turned 18. This was 18 years ago now. And there was a lot of simmering anger, just beneath the surface. I could see it, and I talked to him about it. He denied feeling any anger toward me. And I let it go. I told him if he ever wanted to vent, if he ever wanted to talk about the anger, to feel free to bring up the subject with me. He never did...
That is exactly how it is. I know the anger is there. A couple of weeks ago I did the same thing you did, I talked to him about it. He said he wasn't angry with me, and I told him if he ever needed to talk about it with me he could, that I would listen. He hasn't yet, and I don't know if he ever will. He seems to be the type where he'll be talking about something totally unrelated and then all of a sudden he'll let little bits and pieces drop, you know??
He's usually too busy telling me about his latest crush. LOL
stinky_kitty
That is exactly how it is. I know the anger is there. A couple of weeks ago I did the same thing you did, I talked to him about it. He said he wasn't angry with me, and I told him if he ever needed to talk about it with me he could, that I would listen. He hasn't yet, and I don't know if he ever will. He seems to be the type where he'll be talking about something totally unrelated and then all of a sudden he'll let little bits and pieces drop, you know??
Don't push him about his anger. He may very well not be aware that he even has any anger. He'll work it out in time. The important thing is to give him your love, your time, your complete attention. What he has to say to you is important. Take your cues from him. My son did the same exact thing with dropping bits and pieces into our conversation about other things. You'll learn a lot about your son and his life by listening to the bits and pieces.
It will take time for him to trust you, and he's probably going to test you big-time, just to make sure that you won't go away again. Hang in there, and PM me if you ever want to talk. :loveyou:
I can see there is a lot of anger about this situation and understandably so. Whether they pushed you to contact him or they pushed him to contact you....that's still crappy. And for any parent to not tell their child that they are adopted until they reach the ripe old "mature" of 14 does not make any sense at all. He should've been told from the time he was a little guy. Who in the world could blame him for being angry?
Excuse me if I got some of your details wrong. I was simply responding to your post. Isn't that what we do here? I thought you posted in hopes of getting others' opinions.