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Dear Posters,
I think Wishful could have been more tactful in her delivery, however, her words are true. I myself, have gotten quite defensive when my Dad tried to step in on my parental forum.
I am sure that Kitty knows where her boundaries are and what lines she doesn't need to cross. I gave my son up for adoption and enjoy a very open adoption with the afamily. The amom and I are best friends. I respect her authority as a parent, as I'm sure Kitty does in her situation as well.
Sensitivity isn't so much in what you say, but how you say it. Too bad you can't hear inflection or emotion in these forums!
Kitty, I hope things go well for you. I, like many others, can't offer much advice. Just show him how much you love him.....the rest will be up to him. I wish you many happy years with your son.
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Will somebody please tell me where I ever said I am trying to be his mom????? I love it when people make their own false assumptions.
Wishful, thanks for your input, I am glad you think its absurd. The only person's opinion that truly matters to me is my son's and he doesn't think our relationship is absurd and neither does his mother or father.
To those that have had awesome advice about the actual topic at hand, it has been much appreciated!!!
stinky_kitty
But I can just tell that it is right there under the surface you know?? I'm afraid one day its just gonna explode and I just have this creeping suspicion it's gonna be towards me. :(
I got the same thing and mine was born in 1965.
We do the best we can.. that has got to be our mantra.. IMO
Jackie
Jackiejdajda
stinky_kitty
I got the same thing and mine was born in 1965.
We do the best we can.. that has got to be our mantra.. IMO
Jackie
Jackie, I cannot remember, are you in reunion? When my son contacted me I remember just thinking that I didn't know what would happen, or how this would turn out but no matter what I was just going to take it one day at a time and enjoy it while it lasts. :love:
As others have said, he is a teenager. My kids got mad at me many many times for silly reasons and their anger passed.
I do believe that the Aparents should not have waited until he was in his teens to let him know that he was adopted. Teens are looking for their place in the world and identity. Finding out that you are adopted at that age certainly could be traumatic.
Things will calm down I am sure.
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stinky_kitty
Jackie, I cannot remember, are you in reunion?
Yes.. He found a Florida search message from me.. in Dec.. of 1999..
He emailed and the names were wrong.. and then I had my non identifying info and I typed up what I was sent about his parents..
We knew we had a match..
Then I met him and the grandbabies and his wife about two years later.. when I went to Vancouver..
Then he was in Toronto on a business trip and I managed to take him to meet my dad..
It was good..
When my son contacted me I remember just thinking that I didn't know what would happen, or how this would turn out but no matter what I was just going to take it one day at a time and enjoy it while it lasts. :love:
Yes.. I took a camera the day we met.. and I have photos..
Jackie
I have noticed that amoms have this real sensitive area in their hearts that suggest to them that it would be a bad thing for a bmom to come along. I too was not raised by my bmom. I would absolutely dread my mom for not allowing her to talk with me or see me and not leaving the choice up to me. This kid is young but he's no newborn. So wishful, I think that the wanted hatred is...well... wishful thinking.
stinky_kitty
Will somebody please tell me where I ever said I am trying to be his mom????? I love it when people make their own false assumptions.
Wishful, thanks for your input, I am glad you think its absurd. The only person's opinion that truly matters to me is my son's and he doesn't think our relationship is absurd and neither does his mother or father.
To those that have had awesome advice about the actual topic at hand, it has been much appreciated!!!
stinky,
you NEVER made it sound like you were "trying to be his mom". a lot of people get really defensive that bmothers develop relationship with their bchildren and feel the need to put us in "our place" (you know -- under the rug) by reminding us that we have given up our rights (you know, it must be because we all forget it so constantly, the fact that we RELINQUISHED our children)
don't take it personally, your post was very clear and i for one am getting SICK AND TIRED of all the passive aggressive hostility toward bmoms on these threads. so now i'm writing a nasty post of my own.
geeesh, sometimes taking the high road get old! :evilgrin:
Totally un-professional opinion: the late discovery on top of being outright lied to at age 7, probably has several things brewing in this boy...on top of this being when physiologically his testosterone levels are surging which by itself can great anger, aggressiveness and lack of impulse control.
You might be a "safer" target for his anger- he doesn't live with you and you don't ground him/punish him. He can re-direct his anger at his parents to you without fear of getting in trouble.
If you can get therapy, do, because something tells me this boy's adolescence may be a bumpy ride with the added issues of trust, betrayal and identity issues thrown in. You may need the clarity and support a good therapist can give so that you can keep things healthy on your end, even if he might be struggling at times.
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zxczxcasdasd
You might be a "safer" target for his anger- he doesn't live with you and you don't ground him/punish him. He can re-direct his anger at his parents to you without fear of getting in trouble.
I think you hit the nail on the head! We've had a couple of talks about anger and stuff since I originally posted this and right now everything is fine, don't know what it'll be like in a few weeks or months though. Just taking it one day at a time.
zxczxcasdasd
Totally un-professional opinion: the late discovery on top of being outright lied to at age 7, probably has several things brewing in this boy...on top of this being when physiologically his testosterone levels are surging which by itself can great anger, aggressiveness and lack of impulse control.
You might be a "safer" target for his anger- he doesn't live with you and you don't ground him/punish him. He can re-direct his anger at his parents to you without fear of getting in trouble.
If you can get therapy, do, because something tells me this boy's adolescence may be a bumpy ride with the added issues of trust, betrayal and identity issues thrown in. You may need the clarity and support a good therapist can give so that you can keep things healthy on your end, even if he might be struggling at times.
I'm chiming in to say that as a B-mom in reunion with a daughter who was never told before we met; I agree with the above quoted post. My daughter Jessica is 22 years old and she too says she asked at age 7 or 8 and was told no she wasn't adopted. She shared that a playmate knew and told her what she'd overheard her parents discussing and she ran home in tears to ask her A-mom who denied it. When I contacted her and shared that I was her B-mom she was shocked to say the least. She was 19...
Our reunion is rocky at times and we have been in therapy. I am frequently the target for her anger b/c she feels safe enough to unleash it with me. As "ZXC" posted, I don't ground her, and I don't make her feel guilty for anything I've done or not done in her past.
I have a lot of feelings about the things she was and wasn't told by her parents but I never share them with her, that's my therapists job. Her Mom on the other hand seems to have a mission to destroy me with her words. Jess needs constant reassurance that I'm not gonna leave her again and I give her that. She "tests" this at times by acting out. You mentioned that your son doesn't discuss adoption but you sense that it is just beneath the surface and I know what you mean. I get that too. Sometimes Jess will hit and run...mention something and quickly change the subject; like she's afraid of my answer. I simply move at her pace. I give her what she asks for only. BTW: my daughter was the result of a rape involving multiple men who were never arrested, so her picture will never be complete and I sense that she doesn't always believe my story even though she has seen the police reports. She was lied to once before so why should she believe my story now; you know?
It's not an easy task. You have taken the first and one of the most important steps IMO by coming here. Don't get side-tracked by the negativity. Keep reaching out for the support and help you need. If you can do therapy thats great. I also attend a bi-monthly support group in my community that is both free and very helpful. We meet the first and third Sat. of the month with everyone in the triad but we also have a B-mom support group that is just for "us" that meets for 1 hour after the first Sat. meeting. It is very informative.
I tend to ramble...sorry, but I posted to let you know that others here understand and care. Best Wishes, Tracy
If you read my post the way that you quoted it, I can see how it would be difficult for you to understand what I meant. But just in case, allow me to elaborate. I feel that this is such a sensitive topic not only for bmoms but for amoms as well. And to assume that people automatically feel the hostility that you feel is, in my opinion, wishful thinking.
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Just chiming in here as an adoptee and understand what Wishful was attempting to say. Adoptees sometimes get caught in the middle and are put in a place where they feel they must choose where their loyalty should be. This is why I am glad I was in a closed adoption.
This boy has suddenly recieved information that was once denoed and this is what his life was based on. While amoms and bmoms are not in competition it is VERY difficult for some adoptees. Let's face it, a bmom all of a sudden entering the picture and an adoptee being told "this is your bmom" is bound to be difficult. This bmom is basically a stranger to this boy .
I think so many times expect and instant bond from the adoptee or some kind of connection, but f all they know are the aparents it has to be mind boggling and yes enough to bring out anger.
Truth be told, ifmy bmom appeared in my life in my early teen years I would be mighty angry too. Angry `in a way that :how dare you suddenly appear after all these years and expect a place in my life" type of thing.
Some may disagree with me here but this is how I wouldfeel. also, I would feel like someone was trying to intrude and mess up my family, like an outsider.
Again, I understand what Wishful was trying to say and I am surte she did not intend to be hurtful. I believe that adoptees are the true victims caught in the middle and honestly this is where I am not completely sold on OA.
Growing up with aparents that love and care for you then to have a bmom sprung on you has to be shocking. I mean I wouldn't know where to begin if it were me in my early teen years. As I said, my first reaction would be anger.
EZ
Thank you EZ. I think you understand where I was coming from.
I really don't see myself as having hostility and I definitely do not assume that everyone feels the same as I do. Perhaps the wording in my post was not done very well.
I just think that for a young teenager to all of a sudden have a birthmom enter their life is not a good idea. Let's face it, those teenage years are confusing and packed with drama already. I know that for me personally, I wouldn't have been able to handle that at that age. This search is emotionally draining enough and I'm almost 40 years old! I am not the mother in this situation, I was just offering my opinion. It is the bmom (and hopefully also the amom) that must make the decisions regarding what is best for the child in the case this original post is about.
By the way, I really am not a hostile person at all, I'm not really sure why some think I'm coming across that way. I am just a woman who loves her parents to the end of the earth and back. I am a mother and grandmother. I am a woman who is an adult adoptee and currently searching for my birth parents-for many personal reasons, one of which is out of respect, greatfulness, care and concern. I would love nothing more than to be able to contact my birth parents and tell them that I'm ok, I went to wonderful parents who raised me very well, I hold no negative feelings toward my birth parents. I'd just like for all us to get some answers to our lifetimes of wondering and some peace in our hearts.
I'm sorry if you think I have hostility. I really do not. Every person who comes to this sight obviously has been touched by adoption and we all have our own opinions and feelings that we are entitled to. Sometimes we may see things differently and that's ok. That's what makes us human. In the end we must each make our own decisions. You can take my opinions for what they are worth. It was never my intentions to be offensive or hostile to anyone.