Discussing my adoption with my young children?

I too have followed in my parents footsteps and my children have always known I was adopted. They are now 8 and 10 and just beginning to really understand it. I am currently waiting to reunite with my birthmother and I talk with them about it openly. I haven't thought about what we will call my bmom and the rest of our family. Just trying to take things day by day and muster all the patience I can find. :) I have a friend who has been reunited with her bmom since she was 18. She is now 40 and has two children ages 9 and 7. They have no idea that the woman they visit is their bgrandmother. I am not sure they even know their mom is adopted. Her thought is that she doesn't want to take anything away from her aparents. She calls her bmom by her first name and so do her children.

Hello to all in the triad, I am my twin sons' FirstMom, I would never expect them to call me anything other than what they want to call me. I have not found them yet, 22 yrs.,but if and when ,I want them to know that whatever they choose to call me is their choice. My oldest son 29 yrs.old, was 4 when I met a man that I introduced into his life and eventually married. He one day just decided to start calling him Dad...this was fine by all of us and untli 19 yrs. old,he called him Dad. His father was killed in a car accident when he was 3, so I never imposed upon his feelings for the 'NEW" dad, he chose what to call him. Sadly, this man that he had come to know as Dad, was no longer in the picture. He and I divorced and my son has not seen his DAD, since then. He is the Firstdad to my twin sons. Children are so wise to their feelings , allow them to choose what they wish to call them. Your parents who raised you will understand, I can assure.:cheer:

I found my bmom 18 months ago--my two children (ages 2.5 and 4.5 at that time) already have two sets of grandparents, who they call "Nana and Papa" and "Gran and Grandpa". I knew when I entered reunion w/my bmom that it was for the long haul, so I spoke with her about what she wanted to be called. We settled on "Grandma J~ (her first name)" and they call her husband (not my bfather) "Grandpa J~ (again, his first name)". I call them both by their first names (rather than Mom and Dad), so this nomenclature works for us.I have spoken with the kids about how I grew in Grandma J's tummy, but she was too young to be able to take care of me, so I went to live with Nana and Papa. I wanted it to be a natural part of things for them from an early age--secrets and half-truths are used to mask things that are 'wrong' and in no way do I want them to think any less of my bmom and her husband than their other grandparents!I think in part it depends on what kind of relationship you develop w/your bmom. Hope that this helps.

This is a hard one, that I totally understand! My children have always known I was adopted. We have friends with adopted children so adoption is not new to them. I think they asked questions about me being in G's tummy (my adopted mother) last year after I initiated a search so I just told them the truth, but I think I told my oldest before that. I just can't remember them not knowing really. That is what my adopted parents did, after all. Fast forward to this year when I have met my birthparents and they want to be a part of my life. My adopted parents are freaking out about them meeting my children (ages 8, 6 and 4). Nobody wants to replace them as grandparents, but if I am going to have a longterm relationship with my birthparents, I don't want to lie. I am so conflicted about what to tell them and, I, too, want to make everybody happy. If my adopted parents were handling things better it would be a lot easier. So, for now, we have Miss K, my birthmother who is a friend of mommy's from my birth state. My birthmother and I look a lot alike so we fear that when we are out together as a family that somebody will just say, "Is this your mother?" in front of the kids, but for now, this is what we do. (It already happened once, but the children were not there.) The time is approaching quickly where we are going to have to tell them something. They are too smart and will figure it out soon. I think subconsciously they already know, especially my four year old who has bonded with her the most and even made her stuff at school for grandparents' day without any prompting from anyone. I also think my oldest already consciously knows, but is not saying anything. I talk to him about it, but he has not given anything away. For now, I just try to keep the lines of communication open with him on this and other subjects. At first my birthmother was very gung-ho about telling them she was their grandmother, but my husband and I were not so sure. Now I think she understands the questions that will be raised. We (my husband, bmom, and myself) are thinking about how to handle some of those questions. For now, they really love my birthmother and that is what counts.

I've found out that my kids are very much affected by my adoption. My daughter especially, she was 17 when i found everyone. i remember when she was 7 and I tried to explain everything to her as i was searching. I'll never forget her reaction, she stood there mad as he!! and said: "Do you mean to tell me that I have a grandma and grandpa out there that don't even know I exist! Hurry up and find them!" She helped me so much, and when she was 17 we finally found them and met them along with her and my aunts and uncles and cousins and............ My son was 7 when we met them. I thought I had explained everything to him very well. But one day when he was with Grandpa, grandpa came back and said my son really didn't get it, didn't really understand how we were connected, probably because he didn't get the whole sex thing entirely and Grandpa wasn't going there LOL. He gets it now :) The name thing is difficult. it's hard not to hurt aparents or bparents. I went around in circles with my bdad. It ended up that I felt too strange and disrespectful calling him by his first name. Father was wierd, tried father dear, pop, nothing felt right. I felt dis-loyal calling him Dad. He said all my children call me Dad, so why shouldn't you? So I went with the truth, since I'd given him the chance and he took it and acted like my Dad, I choose to call him Dad. luckily my aparents go by Nana and Grandad, and bdad and his wife go by Grandma and Grandpa made it easier for my kids. now I just call them all Nana, Grandpa, etc. like my kids do. My mother and my amom both go by Nana. So we say Nana or Mom for amom and Nana N**** or Momma for my mother. of course some of the names change depending on if we are talking with each other or with the parent/grandparent. My inlaws are grandma and grandpa too. So everyone tht is a grandma or grandpa or nana gets their first name added after. So we can figure out who we are talking about! As far as my sibs, I call them by their first names, my kids say Uncle J and Aunt B, etc.. Cause that is what they are, and it was uncomfortable having kids calling adults who are uncles and aunts only by their first names. The other cousins use uncle and aunt. I quit using the birth terms, it's disrespectful to me and them I felt, in my situation anyway

Names and titles can be awkward. For me, I call my birth-mother by her first name in person and call her my birth mother or my other mother when speaking about her. When talking to my birth sister, she is "our mother" My birth sister is my sister, her husband is my BIL and her son is my nephew. They call my A-parents Bubbe and Zayde (Yiddish for Grandma & Grandpa) My A-Parents and B-Mom call each other by their first names in person and both A-Mom and B-Mom sometimes refer to each other as "your mother" when speaking about each other. I've been very fortunate that all of my b-family and most of my a-family not only get along, but do not feel threatened by the extended family. My A-Sister is the only one that refuses to be involved in any of this though. She has not and will not tell her own children that she is adopted, therefore she avoids any and all discussion about my b-family. Recently, after my 2 families spent a wonderful day together, my a-mom said something about my nephew and how wonderful he is when my a-sister's oldest was in the room. He piped up with "who's Phillip?" and my sister blew him off with "oh, just some baby THEY know" IMHO - her kids are going to probably be disappointed when they eventually do find out that they could have grown up knowing an extra set of grandparents, another aunt and uncle and another cousin.

I'm sort of going through the same thing - my kids are 7 & 4, and I've told them both that I didn't grow up in Daba's (amom's) belly, but in another lady's. The younger one doesn't really have a clue yet, and the older one sort of understands. He was a little upset to find out that he's not 'really' related to all his cousins on my side, since he's very close to them. I find that honesty is the best policy with kids - after all, it was the secrets & lies that pi$$ed me off no end while I was searching. I'm just going to keep explaining it in an age-appropriate fashion & answer any questions that they have as honestly as possible. Right now though, I'm having a very bad dispute w/Bmom about what my kids will call her. I call her by her first name, but I don't want my kids calling adults by their first names - I was raised that you don't do that, so it seems very disrespectful to me. Plus, my husband is even more adamant about that than I am, would NEVER allow the kids to call adults by their first names. My solution was to have them call bmom & her husband (not my bdad) 'Aunt' & 'Uncle', but she won't stand for that - ok, I can understand, but then she kept insisting that their first names were ok - which it is not with us. Any form of 'Grandma' is out - I'm just not comfortable with it, and even though my Amom & Adad say that they're fine with it (which, unfortunately, they related to Bmom) I know my Amom - the minute she hears it, it's going to hurt her. She'd never admit it, but I know it will - and so does everyone in my family. I tried suggesting to Bmom that she pick some sort of nickname to use with her first name, something that goes with her personality (b/c all that's left after all this is Mr. & Mrs - and that's out!) but she swears that's 'impossible' and the only thing she can come up with is 'Nana' - mind you, this is after insisting 3 yrs ago that she didn't like any of the names that come w/grandma & soooo didn't want to be called any form of Grandma. Hmmmm. She also keeps insisting that since Amom said she has no problem w/it, why should I? Completely disregarding what I've told her about how I know Amom will feel. Right now we're at an impasse - can't contact her due to surgery/therapy she's going through - long story, have to wait for her to get better, or at least be ready to deal w/this. Sorry to rant & blather so much - it's been on my mind an awful lot lately & I've been very upset.

The terminology and language in adoption reunions can be tricky....certain terms and names have a lot of emotions behind them for various people touched by reunion.I hope it's okay for me to post the website....it has nicknames for grandparents. Maybe someone would find it helpful:[url=http://www.thenewparentsguide.com/grandparents-nicknames.htm]Grandparents Nicknames - List of Grandma & Grandpa Nicknames[/url]

I agree that the "grandparent" issue can be a tricky one. I have recently been located by my bio-family and they definitely came on pretty hot and heavy. Frankly, I'm just one of those people who really feels a lot of compassion for these people but on a personal level really have never had an interest in finding them myself. To me, my parents are my one and only and I feel like to them the whole glory of love of the grandchildren should go. Don't get me wrong now. . . the bio-fam certainly deserves respect because they are elders and human-beings. That being said, my parents worked so hard and diligently to make me into the woman I am today and grandchildren are the fruit of that labor. My kids are only 2 yr and 4 months, but I will proudly tell them about my adoption and I will tell them all about "how that works". However, the bio-mom will be Mrs. D to them. It is a respectful terminology that can be applied to any adult.

Everyone's situations are different I guess you just have to feel things out and try different ways until it becomes an old issue - a name just works or it doesn't. In my situation either me or my kids calling my mother or father Mrs. B or Mr. R would be so horrendously disrespectful (after a first contact) I can't even imagine going there. I would certainly insist that they and their kids called me Mrs. D in turn, I'm an adult too. LOL you'd have to know my family... the thought of it is just hysterical. I think also, that ultimately, especially if your kids are older, the relationship they have with their relatives and the names they choose to describe their relatives is pretty much up to them. It's hard for me to try and tell my kids anything other than, this is your grandmother and your grandfather. it really has nothing to do with my relationship with my adopted family. My aparents call my mother and father, my mother and father. We All decided honesty is the most healthy and best policy from here on out. We've all had enough of the secrets and lies. If it hurts my aparents that we call them mom and dad or grandma and grandpa, I wouldn't like that, but that wouldn't be my fault. It's not my duty to keep them from harm there. Certainly I worry about their feelings and do what I can to ease any pain for them, I respect them greatly. They knew at the beginning of my adoption that I had other family members out there, a mother, father, grandparents, the whole works. I've never asked them to deny the rest of their family to be part of mine. Any parent that would want their adult child to deny that to make them feel more secure in their parent/adult-child relationship, really needs to take a hard look at that. It's hardly fair to make your adopted child feel that way, to make them feel dis-loyal if they choose to embrace their entire family. I don't allow my aparents to do that to me anymore, I forced them to deal with any issues of insecurity with that. I'm 46, and they are grown ups too. They know that my having relationships with my other family doesn't diminish ours. We don't owe each other anything, we love each other unconditionally. It's possible to love and/or respect your entire family, biological and adopted, without leaving anyone out or telling one that they don't deserve to be a real part of your family by the names you choose for them. And if you don't want them as a real part of your family... let them know that, don't string them along or keep them half in half out because of anger towards them. Forgive them - let them go or keep them close, just don't string them along. Be honest.

this has been an interesting thread to read. My bmom was happy to know she has 2 more grandchildren and wanted to know if they knew about her. My 15 yo daughter does and of course understands. She has always known I was adopted and was supportive of me searching. My son is only 5 and is autistic. he doesn't understand family dynamics yet. I'm worried that my 1/2 bsister may feel jilted as she had the "first" grandbaby in April and here I come along a few months later and add 2 older grandkids in. I wouldn't care but some might. I hate all the what ifs and insecurities of reunion! Anyway, we are stalled in our reunion but I call bmom by her first name and we are nowhere near meeting f2f or having to worry about what my kids will call any of them. It would be nice to have another grandma for them. My amom is not well and we don't speak and MIL just passed away. My adad died 16 years ago. SO my kids really just have one grandpa left. I hope we can add some more family in someday.

Just touched base on some of these old post....you have been given some great opinions, and must say wishful, andcks, make good points. Let the kids decide ,WHEN, they get to KNOW them what they wishto call them. We as adults (meaning your parents and firstparents are wise enough and love enough , to understand what ever these grandchildren choose will be just fine. A child can never have too many people to love them.....especially grandparents. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

I guess as a bmom. I would like to be called whatever the children/ and parent are comfortable with. My guess is probably my first name.

( I like these words by BethVA62) "They knew at the beginning of my adoption that I had other family members out there, a mother, father, grandparents, the whole works. I've never asked them to deny the rest of their family to be part of mine. Any parent that would want their adult child to deny that to make them feel more secure in their parent/adult-child relationship, really needs to take a hard look at that. It's hardly fair to make your adopted child feel that way, to make them feel dis-loyal if they choose to embrace their entire family. I don't allow my aparents to do that to me anymore, I forced them to deal with any issues of insecurity with that. I'm 46, and they are grown ups too. They know that my having relationships with my other family doesn't diminish ours. We don't owe each other anything, we love each other unconditionally. It's possible to love and/or respect your entire family, biological and adopted, without leaving anyone out or telling one that they don't deserve to be a real part of your family by the names you choose for them. And if you don't want them as a real part of your family... let them know that, don't string them along or keep them half in half out because of anger towards them. Forgive them - let them go or keep them close, just don't string them along. Be honest." These are "very wise" words from BethVA62. it would be insulting to me to have my blood Grandchildren be forced to call me Mrs. so and so....all because of past circumstances or to prevent someone elses feelings from being hurt....over some "ownership" issues of who got to raised who and who did'nt get to. "who deserves the right ?????"So... as to punish the person, call them Mrs. so & so as if to PROVE she was not deserving to be considered family.that "IS" very insulting and seems only to set that person apart purposely and just to hurt or punish them and make them feel separate & alienated from the rest of the family. I cannot believe it is even being considered !!!! children can have LOTS of grandparents in their lives....we had a lady who watched us when my parents worked when we were little, who was not related to us at all, everyone called her grandma, so we did too.. and still do to this day !!!!

sorry... I guess I did not highlight or put in quotes BethVA62"s words right....not sure how to do that the right way. but I wanted to just emphasis her wise, insightful words.