Will it hurt my adoptive family too much?

It may come down to weighing two unpleasant choices. Do you hurt your a-parents or hurt yourself by not searching? Please realize that you're not doing anything wrong by wanting to find your b-parents, but also realize that your a-parents are not doing anything wrong by hoping/wishing that you don't. I resepectfully disagree with wrgamom that you can't be responsible for other's feelings (although we may be talking semantics about "responsible"). When your actions are the cause of those feelings, you are responsible. That doesn't mean that you aren't justified in your actions. It means that you need to be aware that your actions are going to result in those feelings. By being aware of that, it may be easier for you to deal with your b-parent's feelings. Let's say you got a scholarship to a college that was far away, but you knew that it was best for you to attend, even if it meant not seeing your family for extended periods of time. Your parents really didn't want you to attend because they want to be able to see you more often. You shouldn't not attend out of fear of hurting your parents, but you shouldn't say that your decision isn't the cause of their pain, either. Adoptees are in a difficult position, and I would never tell an adoptee not to search out their b-family. I just want to try to warn them about what might happen, and for them to be aware that there may not be a decision they can make that someone doesn't get hurt. That doesn't mean that your feelings are subordinate or not as important as your a-parents. They aren't. wrgamom: I agree with you that you shouldn't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people get hurt even if no one does anything wrong.

Good point, roller. I probably would be better explained by saying your are not responsible for how others react to things. You are right, I knew I was going to hurt people on some level, but had come to the conclusion that I had been hurting myself for years thinking of others. (Not saying that is your situation, rnphelps.) It is sort of a hard position to be in: do you do something you know is selfish (that word does not always have a negative meaning, by the way) or do you protect those you love or do not even know yet? I thought about that for years! I think it is a hard question to answer. However, using the same example roller used, if you know that going to a far away college is the best choice for you, your family, while not wanting you to go for their own selfish (again, not always a bad word) reasons, also probably recognize it is the best for you, too. They just have ulterior motives for not wanting you to go and may try to make you feel responsible for their missing you. Ultimately, it has to be your decision. I think we all make decisions throughout our lives that cause people hurt - not just adoption/reunion related decisions. Those type of decisions are always the hardest to make, aren't they?

hi and welcome nice to have aboard.i to thought that me wanting to know would hurt my adoptive family.and when i did ask my questions mom was hurt.as i got older i realized that my adopted mom was a little insecure with in herself.i told her that even if i met my birthmother/family she was the only mother i had ever known and i would always love with all my heart.it was hard for her to understand my need to know where i came from.but i need questions answered.i need medical information.i dont want to know why she gave me up.i had a wonderful life so that to me is not a need.we all have our reasons for searching.walk lightly and always be respectful of your adopted family and they will come around.they need time to adjust to alot of things.goodluck hon with your search.

I am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. My amom has always encouraged me to find my birthparents since my aparents are older, they thought I may want some parental figure when they are gone. What was a deciding factor for me to search was knowing in my heart that no one will replace my aparents. I may end up loving my bparents but I have enough love in my heart to love them both. I would start your search and hold off telling your aparents if it is a bad time. It may take a long time to search and unfortunately you may not be successful. Do what's right for you and I think your aparents will come around.

May Iask why you must even tell or include your aparents in your decision to searc? You are an adult so I would think this search could be done with your aprents knowing. I am not suggesting you lie to them but sometimes you must keep certain decisions from others. In my own case I had absolutely zero desire to search. I always knew I was adopted as my parents were upfront about it an like you would tell my story of how I was place in their arms. It was and still is my favorite story (see my avatar) Fast forward 40 something years, my sweet amomma was placed in anursing home after suffering alzhimers for 6 years at home,my family was spent emotionally caring for her , my adad was a wreck and heartbroken that Momma was no longer at home and with him. I had been nvolved in a near fatal car accident and it was discovered that I was facing the possibilty of a fatal genetic illness and I was dire need for medical information. I was faced with either asking adad to help me or going it alone. I knew if I went to adad it would have onbly added to his heartbreak and stress and because of him being old school in a sense that he only knew closed adoption, I feared his reaction thinking he would feel I was searching because my aparents somehow failed me. I just could not do this too this wonderful man I call "Daddy". I did search on my own and to this day Daddy knows nothing of it. I was met with anger and resistance by my bsibs and bmom had already been dead by the time I found her. My point is, if you really feel that nothing good can come of letting your family know of your search, no need to even let them know. I do not regret for one iota of a second my decision to keep things to myself. of course I was met with some opposition from some anti adoption online people who felt that I should demand any information regading my adoption from my already heartbroken father, but I stuck to my guns and didn't tell him. Sometimes we must look at the big picture. If you feel that this would be too much for your family to handle at this time, by all means spare them this hurt. Even though you have no way of knowing how they would react, why take a chance at adding more stress and hurt to their lives. Also,(I hope this is not the case for you) but not all reunions are wonderful. What happens if your search yeilds unfavorable results? Then you brought hurt onto your innocent loved ones for nothing. I would be more than happy to discuss this with you more and I invite you to PM me should you feel you would like to. EZ

EZ2Luv, You bring up a good point in that not everyone has an overwhelming desire to find the bfamily. Sometimes it's a mild curiosity, or maybe no desire at all. I can see where if there is only a mild curiosity and you know your aparents will be deeply hurt, maybe it would be best to not do it, or postpone it for a while.

Hi- I am in the same boat as you are, but I am just older. My adoptive parents were always "open" about my adoption too, but never stated that they supported me searching, even in the much more progressive times we live in now. Also, comments have been made over the years that sort of indicated that they would feel threatened, hurt, rejected, whatever. This kept me from searching for a really long time. I felt an obligation toward them for giving me a good life, loving me, providing me with a good education, etc. At my age, now 37, I realize that it's my life, and it has nothing to do with them. I toyed with the idea of telling them, but now realize that they would not benefit from it in any way. So I'm moving forward with it. I think it's probably their loss that they won't share in this experience with me, but I really don't think they could handle it. I've kind of "tested" my mom with conversations about other people involved in open adoption, people I know who have searched, and she clams up and sort of acts like I'm not talking about a situation that affects me. Anyway, my suggestion, for what it's worth and for having struggled with the same issue myself, is to move forward whether you get your a-parents approval or not. It sounds like your parents have a lot going on with everything else and that your mom may be prone to becoming depressed over such information if she already suffers from depression. Just my opinion - I'm sort of relieved that I've made the decision finally to move forward, and realize that there is no shame or guilt I should feel. Ann

Thank you so much for your responses, everyone. I'm still unsure of what to do... I guess I've never really sat still long enough to judge just how strong the desire is to find my b-family. Some days it is overwhelming, and other days I just don't even think about it. I think I need to figure that out before I make my final decision. On the other hand, I am considering broaching the topic with my parents on my birthday. Since I'm in Kansas and they're in Texas, they won't be here to share the day with me. I was considering writing them a letter thanking them for being there for me for the last 21 years-minus-six-weeks and explaining how much they are my real family. Then, I would like to explain that if I do decide to find my b-family, it will not be as a replacement, but just for my own self-fulfillment. On the other hand, doing that seems to be a little cowardly - choosing to write rather than call or wait until we talk in person.

It's interesting that this thread speaks only of the feelings of the adoptee and amom/arents in regard to the pain in search and discovery - i personally think no one should search unless every one's feelings are considered - including that of your first moms. I also find it interesting that arents are concerned about being "replaced" when the reality is they "replaced" your first parents - if that is such a horrible thing (ie. "replacing") then why on earth did they do that to someone else in the first place - this is very puzzling to me ??

Fallen Child, I understand what you are saying. I never had the desire to search as an adoptee myself. I always felt that if my bmom wanted to find me she would have.. That is another reason why even when I was forced to search I held out as long as I could. I figured the woman had no desire to know me and I didn't want to intrude. But you have to understand that most adoptees are not going to consider how the bmom feels until they actually start a search. It is normal for people consider the feelings of those that are close to them and around them before considering the feelings of someone that they may or may not get to meet. In other words an aparent is more of a reality that someone that you have maybe dreamed about or imagined and is more of a mystery. I hope that made sense. Also, we all know that this search and reunion thing is a process. There are so many facets of reunion that can come up. I think at the very begining stages when a person is pondering on whether to pursue a search what the adoptee OP is feeling is VERY normal. I do not look at my aparents as a replacement. As far as I am concerned they ARE my parents, the ONLY ones I ever knew and honestly one of the reasons I never wanted to search is because my aparents are irreplaceable. It just so happened in my situation my amomma was in advanced stages of alzhimers when I was forced to search. The last thing I was looking for was a replacement momma. Why look at as either aparents or bparents are replaceable? Neither of them are. Without bparents, there would be no aparents. Then again, it could be said that when bmoms are looking to place a child for adoption they are looking for people to replace them. I don't think it is fair to consider either as replacements. People are simply not interchangeable. EZ

This really bothers me. If you really can't understand why an aparent would be worried about an unknown person (and some aparents never met the bmom, or only briefly...and people change in 20+ years) and worry about the possible affect it will have on their child, their family...I don't understand why an aparent WOULDN'T be concerned. The potential for their child to be hurt is huge. And what would you rather happen? Children in orphanages when a bparent is unable to parent? Your comment makes it sound as though aparents scoop in and run off with babies. For one reason or another, birth parents made the chioce to step back, acknowlege that they couldn't manage parenting a child at the time, then aparents stepped forward. This whole Us vs Them thing when it comes to bfamilies and afamilies makes me a bit wonky :arrow:

Well, I think people are NOT interchangeable - your first mother can never be - or be like your a mom- and vice versa - BUT - the reality is that your amom did take the place of your first mom - that is just the way it is - that being said, I often hear from the ADOPTEE and APARENTS in conversation, the concern about replacement per se - first moms as a rule, I think, are not so concerned inherently - I find it mostly part of the adoption psychology and not part of biological/birth psychology - by defintion- adoption is a replacement phenomonon. best, FC

Perhaps the worry stems from a societal issue...where the birthparents were referred to for the longest time as the REAL parents. Aparents are viewed as second best. After all, they wouldn't have a baby if bmom had chosen differently. I really do think that there's an internal dialogue taught to all members of the triad of being 'second best' by society, and that's where a lot of the fears stem from.

I like the quote: God doesn't call the equipped, but equipps the called - I believe that to be so true!!

Hi I am in a similar situation to you, my family has had a rough year, and I approached them one night and just said that I want to contact my birth mum, I don't have the best relationship with my adoptive parents which may make it easier. But in the end I guess my offering would be to do what you need to now for yourself. No action leads to regrets, even if it just means you start looking into where to look for your birth family so to speak, names and such, whatever you feel is appropriate for yourself at this moment. Good luck with whatever you decide to do =]