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Wow- I haven't been on this site in FOREVER. Not sure why. Anyway. On August 26, 2008 we finalized the adoption of our 3- year old foster son...YEA! So why am I struggling NOW that it's all finished??!? Josh was removed from his biomom's home at the age of 11 months because biomom called her (then) 22- year old son to ask if he wanted to come over and watch while she "sacrificed" the baby. Yes, there is a history of mental issues as well as drug abuse in both bioparents. (Biodad had pretty much been outta the picture since before birth, although I believe biomom might have taken Josh to visit biodad a time or two while biodad was incarcerated.) When CPS began calling extended family members about kinship placement, very few of them even knew that Josh existed! The state has no proof, but is highly skeptical that the first call made to CPS was also the first incidence of abuse or neglect suffered by Josh. From the time of his removal, Josh was shuffled back and forth between the home of his maternal aunt, his paternal uncle, various foster homes, and a children's home. If not for serious medical issues with his paternal uncle's wife, Josh would proabbaly have been adopted by them. Before TPR, Josh's biodad mentioned that he would be willing to voluntarily sign off his parental rights, but he feared that doing so would somehow give Josh's biomom more leverage in getting him returned to her care. We have a completely open relationship with Josh's paternal uncle and aunt, but we have never once met or spoken to any other biological family members. (Both bioparents still had legal visitation rights with Josh from the time of his placement in our home in May of 2007 until TPR was final in Novemebr 2007. Neither bioparent ever requested visitation of any sort, nor did they work toward completing their caseplan.) So here is where I'm struggling with WHAT TO DO: 1. I have been contemplating writing a very simple letter to Josh's bio- halfbrother (the one who actually made the call to CPS), thanking him for doing so and possibly letting him know that Josh is happy and healthy and very loved. My thoughts are that this is NOT a great guy (his rap sheet is multiple pages in length!), but he basically saved my son's life. Of course, I would not include any identifying inforamtion whatsoever. What say you? 2. His bioparents. As much as I would like to say I hate his biomother especially, the truth is I don't. Without them I would not have my precious son. I would like to let them know, as well, that he is happy, healthy, and very much loved. Do they even WANT to know these things...or would it be cruel for me to tell them? (Kind of like slapping salt on an open wound!) I've decided that, first of all, I will go ahead and write a letter to each of them now; keeping it very simple and to the point, but I won't even consider sending it for a year. Thoughts on this? 3. I've also set up an online picture timeline that I've considered opening up to the biofamily....eventually. Just pictures from times in Josh's life. Not certain that I'll ever feel the time is right to share this site with them, but I want it there just in case. Has anyone else done something like this? Thought, ideas, opinions? Just one more thing. The aunt and uncle who we have the open relationship with are completely against me contacting the bioparents (or any other biofamily, for that matter!)
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Your thoughts are kind and generous. I would like to suggest letting the aunt and uncle be the point of contact for any other biofamily. Explain your feelings to them, give them the letters, and let them decide what to do. They are in the family--they know these people.
Please also be aware--these thoughts seem to be about closure for you vs. something that will help your son or be good for your son.
I have had these same kind of feelings about everyone who has been part of my ds life prior to placement and then adoption by us. Dh and I made the decision to listen to the social workers and therapist regarding contact with anyone outside the family (it was a relative adoption), and made our own decisions about people in our extended family.
It's hard, I question myself every day, did we make the right decisions?
I hope your decision gives you peace, and I wish you great joy and happiness with your ds.
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RobinKay
Please also be aware--these thoughts seem to be about closure for you vs. something that will help your son or be good for your son.
The quotes below seem to be talking about how you feel, not about what you think is best for your son. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way about the birthfamily, or feeling grateful to the halfbrother--I just think it's important to know why you are doing this. Is it for you, or for your son? Is it what's best for you, or what is best for your son?
If you are acting on feelings that have to do with you, you may be more likely to get into a situation you will later regret. That is why I would recommend you be guided for now by the advice of aunt and uncle--or let them deliver your letters for you.
..YEA! So why am I struggling NOW that it's all finished??!?
So here is where I'm struggling with WHAT TO DO:
he basically saved my son's life.
Without them I would not have my precious son. I would like to let them know, as well, that he is happy, healthy, and very much loved.
...I'll ever feel the time is right to share this site with them, but I want it there just in case.
Just one more thing. The aunt and uncle who we have the open relationship with are completely against me contacting the bioparents (or any other biofamily, for that matter!)
Robin - I love you, but I think you are way off base here. I see no trace of selfishness in the original post, and only an attempt to cherish the birth family. I don't think the examples you give support your stand on this. You object to her using the term "my son"? You think it shows selfishness that she's "struggling"? I'm just not seeing it. As for having the aunt and uncle be the point of contact - maybe, maybe not. They are the paternal family, so I have no idea whether they know the birth mother well, or can be unbiased about her.
RobinKay
The quotes below seem to be talking about how you feel, not about what you think is best for your son. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way about the birthfamily, or feeling grateful to the halfbrother--I just think it's important to know why you are doing this. Is it for you, or for your son? Is it what's best for you, or what is best for your son?If you are acting on feelings that have to do with you, you may be more likely to get into a situation you will later regret. That is why I would recommend you be guided for now by the advice of aunt and uncle--or let them deliver your letters for you. ..YEA! So why am I struggling NOW that it's all finished??!? So here is where I'm struggling with WHAT TO DO:he basically saved my son's life.Without them I would not have my precious son. I would like to let them know, as well, that he is happy, healthy, and very much loved....I'll ever feel the time is right to share this site with them, but I want it there just in case. Just one more thing. The aunt and uncle who we have the open relationship with are completely against me contacting the bioparents (or any other biofamily, for that matter!)
stevenstwin
Robin - I love you, but I think you are way off base here. I see no trace of selfishness in the original post, and only an attempt to cherish the birth family. I don't think the examples you give support your stand on this. You object to her using the term "my son"? You think it shows selfishness that she's "struggling"? I'm just not seeing it. As for having the aunt and uncle be the point of contact - maybe, maybe not. They are the paternal family, so I have no idea whether they know the birth mother well, or can be unbiased about her.
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My son was placed with us as a foster child at 11 months. After we adopted at 30 months last year, I had the same kind of struggle with wanting closure and wanting to reassure the bfamilies that he was loved and well cared for.
My son's bfather parented him for the first four months and when he realized he could not do it, he called DCF and asked them to take his son. We had an open adoption with his bmom who stayed in the picture and fought for reunification, but dad, who was the one who parented him - checked out.
Bdad has brothers and I had contact info for him. I did call - just to let him know that my son was loved and adopted and ok. He was grateful for the call - although a bit taken aback and didn't really know what to say to me. I also asked if, when my son gets older and if he has questions about his history can we contact this b-uncle? He said yes, that any contact would be welcome.
I'm not going any further right now.
I have posted my thoughts on this before - I do think that having closed adoptions (even when it is the right and safe thing to do) are hard on kids because they get the message that there is something about their history - and by some extension "them" - that is bad, or needs to be closed or hidden.
I also think that by showing compassion toward the birth family, you are showing your son that you have compassion for him, his history and whatever connections he feels to that history.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I shouldn't have posted so fast...I was in a rush. Yes, I know you never said she was "selfish" - that was a really poor choice of words! I just don't know if it is closure for herself she is seeking....or just that feeling of sympathy and gratitude to the birth family that *ahem* SOME of our members here are capable of (not me, I"m not so noble, LOL). I think the letters probably WILL be good for her son, in the end..since she'll be able to show him that she respected his birth family. At any rate, as long as safety is not the issue, I don't think they can HARM him any. I'm still leery of trusting the opion of the aunt and uncle, though - they MAY be an excellent resource...or as being on the paternal "side" they may be hostile or unfair towards the "maternal" side - depending on family history. At any rate, you are definitely correct that all sides need to be looked at. :fish: (no clue why I just gave you a goldfish...except that it is cute, LOL)
RobinKay
Love you too!:love: No, no, no--I never said anything about selfishness. :hissy: Wanting/needing closure is not selfish. Let me clarify- First, the OP is a wonderful, sensitive, caring person to be concerned about the birthfamily. I care about her, and the long-term effects of her decisions. Adopting a child is a emotionally overwhelming event--:hypno: --there are so many people involved-the birthfamily, the forever family. It can be hard to stay focused on what is best for the child. I meant to be supportive for the OP--if these letters are not something that will be good for her son, she can "let go" of these emotions and not feel she owes anybody any information about her child. I quoted to show what I saw that made me think it was her emotions she was trying to deal with, not concern for what might be best in the long run for her son. It may be in the future, her ds will be grateful to know she reached out to his birthfamily. That would be a good reason to write the letters and send them with no contact information included. If she is in open contact with aunt and uncle--and they are saying no contact--I think it would be wise to include them in this decision.
Seriously, I appreciate everyone's input on this one. I'll admit, my first reaction was one of defensiveness, but I gotover that. IMO if it's closure for MYSELF that I'm looking for then I either don't even write the letters and force his birthfamily out of mind or I write the letters and file 'em. I've just learned so much about how adoptees feel resentment toward their adoptive families or a sense of IDK- grief? I only want to do what will be in my son's best interest...I just never realized how difficult a decision that would be!!!! Sometimes I wonder if God knew what He was doing when he entrusted this special little boy to ME!!!
cheern4gordn
Seriously, I appreciate everyone's input on this one. I'll admit, my first reaction was one of defensiveness, but I gotover that. IMO if it's closure for MYSELF that I'm looking for then I either don't even write the letters and force his birthfamily out of mind or I write the letters and file 'em. I've just learned so much about how adoptees feel resentment toward their adoptive families or a sense of IDK- grief? I only want to do what will be in my son's best interest...I just never realized how difficult a decision that would be!!!!
Sometimes I wonder if God knew what He was doing when he entrusted this special little boy to ME!!!
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Our DD was adopted internationally, and we are currently doing a search for her birthfamily. The main reason for this is to get answers for her, so she won't have to wonder things like where she got her red hair and why she could eat tomatoes until she becomes one.
With foster care we many times have the advantage of lots of information on the birthfamily, sometimes more than we can stomach. I wonder when your child is at an age when you can share with him the details of his adoption and reason for removal if he will feel anything positive for the bio-mom.
sending a letter doesn't allow for any feedback from her, which is so often what our kids want - they want answers, not more giving of themselves without anything in return.
If it was me and there was such mental instability I probaby wouldn't send the letters. With the brother, I might, more as a thank you. Perhaps it could help him see some value and good in his own life, when he too had a disturbed childhood, no doubt.
Maybe write the letters and save them, for when your child is old enough to decide on his own to send them or not.
IMO I would want to know the reasons as to why the aunt & uncle think that it's better to not have contact with the other family members. We are in touch with dd's bio grandma, grandpa & great grandma. We also keep in touch with a cousin that adopted her baby sister. We all get along as if we've known each other forever. Dd has three half brothers and one sister. All the adults are really trying to make it work for the kids sake. I just lost my sister this past August and I'm dying inside not having her around. I really want my dd to know her sister because truly there is no greater gift than a sibling. Now on another note if my dd showed any emotions that it was getting to be too much for her than I'm sorry but the bios would have to take a back burner until she's ready to give it another try. As far as bio mom I really don't feel any reason as to why my dd should meet her. When she is old enough to make that decision I will support her 100%. But as of right now there's no need. Even the cousin said there is no need for us to meet bio mom and if anyone knows bio more than me it's the cousin so I'm taking her word for it. Ok, sorry didn't mean to ramble on. Being a sahm gets me rambling as I talk with a toddler everyday and don't get much adult talk time lol. Talk more with the aunt & uncle and try to get a better reasoning as to why they are against you meeting or talking with bio family. I wish you all the best as not only we've have been through so much waiting for the adoption to be final but now we are entering into a whole new roller coaster ride of doing right by our children. Take care!
cheern4gordn
Just one more thing. The aunt and uncle who we have the open relationship with are completely against me contacting the bioparents (or any other biofamily, for that matter!)
Despite the aunt and uncles opposition, I could totally see your point on contacting the half sib to let him know his decision to call CPS was a good decision. Maybe a decision that he's regreted, maybe not. If I were in your shoes I would send it only to him, VERY short and sweet with no photo and NO contact or traceable info. Including sending through another post office to avoid a postmark identifying your hometown. You should know he may or may not share the note with biomom and the aunt and uncle may find out. But if your intentions were good and it's not harmful to your son, you will have your "closure" (maybe -lol)As for suggestion on sharing the child's info to bio family. I have private myspace page that only biomom has access to. I post 2 paragraphs a month and 2 photos. No one else has access and I can tell when she views the page. It also alerts me to when she adds a blog to her page. I can read it and print it for my son's keepsake box. When she stops viewing the pics, I'll stop posting the pics. As simple as that. If she wants to send a message she does it through myspace. LOVE IT!
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kayb
Despite the aunt and uncles opposition, I could totally see your point on contacting the half sib to let him know his decision to call CPS was a good decision. Maybe a decision that he's regreted, maybe not. If I were in your shoes I would send it only to him, VERY short and sweet with no photo and NO contact or traceable info. Including sending through another post office to avoid a postmark identifying your hometown. You should know he may or may not share the note with biomom and the aunt and uncle may find out. But if your intentions were good and it's not harmful to your son, you will have your "closure" (maybe -lol)
As for suggestion on sharing the child's info to bio family. I have private myspace page that only biomom has access to. I post 2 paragraphs a month and 2 photos. No one else has access and I can tell when she views the page. It also alerts me to when she adds a blog to her page. I can read it and print it for my son's keepsake box. When she stops viewing the pics, I'll stop posting the pics. As simple as that. If she wants to send a message she does it through myspace. LOVE IT!
We are in the process of adopting our FD. She's been with us a year now and TPR is being filed. We have a meeting tomorrow with BM and CW. BD was supposed to go, but is again in jail, second time in 2 weeks. Since May he has not missed visits, yet BM misses them almost weekly. She has one 2 hour visit a week and can't make it most of the month.
Since July, BD and I have had an opportunity to spend a lot of time together outside of his one weekly visit. We have had trips about an hour and a half away to a themepark, fishing trips (he is NA and FD is 1/2), outings with his family doing NA things. G'ma was originally approved for placement, then reversed and denied. We have had our current caretaker and were approved. Then we had our homestudy and just found out we were approved. Tomorrow we meet to discuss voluntary termination.
I have been very vocal of being open with BD more than BM as he has a very close bond with FD. Now with having a postive UA, i have my concerns, but still, I could not imagine her life, or ours for that fact, without BD in it. He and I have so much in common with things we enjoy doing, fishing, river trips, etc. My only concern is I worry about him thinking he will still get weekly visits/outings with her, but then again I feel like a bad person because I want to be more generous because I want him to sign rather than going to trial. I am rambling I know, I am just so torn at what to do. His sister and I have formed a very close bond and talk daily online and she just had her first baby. They have invited us to their house, they live at home still w/ gma, for thanksgiving and I am considering going. My daughter is going to Mexico for thanksgiving with my DH.
I guess my point I am trying to get tooo..LOL is that I grew up not knowing my BM, my father raised me. At 18 I found her and had an ok relationship for 15 years, then it was too much for me to try to handle. I want my FD to know where she came from, have someone to ask questions to, I never could. When I had back surgery I couldn't answer family history because I didn't know.