Finally talking to my parents about finding birth parents...HELP!!!

I wish I had some advice on what to say, but since I am a firstmom, I couldn't begin to tell you what might be the right thing to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that you can somehow reassure your mom that this is a journey that you have to make, but that it will by no means replace the mother/daughter relationship(bond) that you and her have. Ask them to support you and be there for you, just as they did on your first day of school, prom or first day of high school even. Just express your feelings in a way that makes your mom feel less threatened if possible. I hope that someone can give you some great advice, but I unfortunately am at a loss. I know that I say a prayer everyday for my relationship that I have with my bdaughter and her mom. I wish you all the best and I truly hope that your parents will support you in your search and in the reunion when the time comes. keep us posted

Great perspective katlyn! I loved your advice and want to springboard off of it. Just as a suggestion... Begin by remembering some big steps you took that were scary for her and probably scary for you too...but she helped and supported you through them anyway: (I'm going to be making some assumptions here, but just get the general idea and do your best to "remember" it in a positive light) Your first day of school- that's scary for moms and can be a difficult transition to send your kid off for hours- but she didn't hold you back, she helped you go and helped you cope. Your first date- trusting you into the care of a teenage boy for a night...SCARY!! But she let you go and helped you through it. Going to college/moving out... painful and hard for parents but she let you go and loved you as you did. Getting married...the biggest letting go...but she helped you through it. ----- The idea is a technique (granted, en eeensty bit manipulative) where, when you want someone to do something, you praise them for having the very quality that will lead them to do it. Ergo...you start complimenting your parents for being the kind of parents that always put your needs first, even when it's scary for them or even painful. Praise them for being willing to let you lead your life, knowing that no change and no transition can ever undermine the special love and bond you have with them.... get the idea? ---- Secondly, if your mom still starts the big emotional grandstanding, don't let yourself get sucked in. Stay composed and keep repeating- "I am not replacing you. I love you. You are my mother and I need to act like it, by trusting me with this information and by putting my needs before your own fears. If you choose to act like this, you are choosing to refuse to help me when I am telling you that I need my mother and father's love and support. That choice will undermine our bond. Supporting me and helping me will strengthen it." Harsh, but probably true. That said...it's just an idea. It could not work at all. But maybe worth a try. For the record, it sucks that you even have to have this conversation with them and you haven't been supported in this all along. But staying on point of how to possibly get the best result from the talk, since it has become necessary...the above is an idea to throw in the pot.

Exactly what I was thinking zx. I had the thought in my head, but couldn't express it as well as you. I can understand where an adoptive parent might be coming from as far as the fear and anxiety about thier child finding a bparent. For me, I always made sure to acknowledge my bdaughters mother and father in a way that was respectful and hoped that it would ease any tension between us. When I first met my bdaughters mom, and I say mom here, not amom, because to me....and to my bdaughter this is her mom. I respect that and understand that and I made sure to voice this fact to her mother. I made it a priority to have a moment alone with her so that I could tell her in my own words that I am in no way trying to be her daughters "other mother". I'm not sure how you can turn this in your favor, but maybe that is something that might ease your mothers anxiety about it. Same concept as was already mentioned, but to me that is probably the most important thing. At least I think that it would be for me. Best wishes..

:thanks: Thank you all for your advice. It has all been SO helpful!!! I have put together a letter I am going to read to them. Along with that, I have a list of questions I want to ask them about my adoption IF they agree to discuss it right away. My husband and I are having them over for dinner on Friday to have "the talk". I am very nervous,but it has been 27 years and I think its about time. I feel like I have waited long enough. I dont think it will go well, but at least it will be out there and they will know what I am doing and what can and will happen if they help me and if they decide not to help me. Any last suggestions oh good questions to ask about my adoption or rebuttal responses for when they refuse and want to storm out????? Anything would help!!! You are all an amazing support system. THANK YOU!!!

Well, I just wanted to thank you all again. I talked to my parents over the weekend and it went A LOT better then expected. They were VERY receptive to everything I had to say and understand that this is something I need to do. They told me the lawyer who handled my adoption was named George Moss. They are second guessing which hospital I was born in, but are making some calls to find out. They even offered to help me find George Moss and make an appt. for all of us to go and meet with him together!!!! It really couldn't have gone ANY better!!! It was just such a relief and HUGE weight lifted from me. I do feel so much better knowing they are ok with it and knowing they are willing to help!!! Of course there is a little bit of fear on their part which is completely understandable but they are willing to put it aside for me and my search. I will keep everyone updated!! Keep your fingers crossed!!!!