korean adoptee hopeless searching to find peace

Didi, I, too, am a Korean adoptee. I am 26 years old and also came over when I was less than a year (probably less than 6 months old). I share some of your feelings you have about your birth and your birth mother. Just until perhaps a year or two ago, I never even thought about my adoption, or that about whatever feelings I had/have about my birth family or country. Even today I have not truly confronted and dealt with these issues- I usually cry or get teary eyed when I think of them. A small (but significant) piece of warmth that I hang onto often is remembering that "Mom" chose life. Whether it was for her own personal health or for me, she decided to hang during those months and give birth. If I ever want to see my birth parents, all I have to do is look in the mirror. I hope you find a bit of solace in this, as I have.With regards to being a Korean adoptee specifically, there are resources out there for us- groups, planned trips, associations. Google for some Korean Adoptee sites sometime- there may be one dedicated to your state or region. :)

Didi20,I so hear what you've written and just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of the pain that you speak of. Your feelings are very real and similar emotions are felt by a lot of adoptees. There were many times in my situation where I just felt, "Auugghh! This pain is just too much! Will it never end!!??" There are other times when I am reminded of my adoption and I feel an immense sadness. I encourage you to do whatever you can to let out your feelings in a place (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually) that you feel safe - it's scary, I know, but well worth it. In my view, the only way 'out' of the pain is 'through' it. After my nearly 3-year post-reunion journey where I'd suddenly had to come to grips with all my flood of emotions and pain, I've learned that I will never be totally 'rid' of this pain. I've learned that after all the turmoil I've gone through, this pain is a part of me. The good news is that it has become less severe over time and I have learned ways to better manage my pain. And I've gained tremendous support through meeting other adoption triangle people who can relate. And as odd as it might sound, in the depths of my pain, I have found an incredible, quiet strength. One adoptee whom I'd met described her pain as similar to a scar. Every now and then it will be scratched and hurt like anything. Other times it won't. Perhaps you might like to contact GOAL (Global Overseas Adoptees' Link) - it has been founded by overseas Korean adoptees and seems to offer a whole range of excellent support services. Here's to sending you hugs - good for you for being so honest with your feelings. May you find hope in knowing that there are many of us who have faced similar journeys and arrived at a more peaceful place. It's by no means easy, but healing does come eventually. Yours,Ripples

I am so glad to hear from other international adoptees and that i am not alone... i do feel like all this pain makes me stronger but i also feel like sometimes its just too much...i feel like i wish this never happened to me and i hate people that don't have to play this game of how much will it hurt and when will it come...i can't control it... i just hate feeling like i'll never be good enough and that no one will ever pick me...i hate constantly worrying that anyone in my life no matter how close will eventually leave me and forget about me...it is so tiring trying to make sure they are never angry at me or forget about me...i'm afraid to let anyone forget about me because i am afraid that my bmom has forgotten about me...i feel like i'm not special or good enough to be chosen first... i hate that this time of year i get so angry because my birthday is in a couple of months and from being around women that were pregnant i know how special a time it is and the connection that happens without even trying...i get angry that she felt me grow inside her and still didn't want me...i am grateful that she made the choice she did and gave me life...but i am so angry and hurt that i did something wrong or didn't mean enough to her when she was pregnant to keep me...why didn't she love me enough to keep me...i know it was the right choice and probably not easy but i don't understand how someone could carry you and feel you grow for 9 months and be able to let you go...i wish she didn't let me go and i wonder what i could have done to stay or make her come back...why hasn't she done that? It is very difficult for me to come here and post and feel all this and i am continuing to try and come here because i think it will help... i'm just very grateful for all who let me know i am not alone and that they share my feelings...i wish i wasnt so sensitive right now and could help others but i am just afraid right now...i hope some of this makes sense and i dont' sound selfish or like a jerk

To me, what you wrote makes total sense and you definitely don't sound selfish or like a jerk. I think you're incredibly courageous to deal with your emotional pain and what you wrote was very, very honest, clear and I totally relate. I'd encourage you to keep writing here when you feel like it - I know it can be very difficult to face all this pain, but I've found that through expressing my emotions with empathetic people has been incredibly healing. Yours,Ripples

Thank you so much for that it really means a lot to know that i don't sound selfish or like a jerk..i wish i could believe it...i just come here to vent and let out everything i keep in but i feel guilty doing it because i feel like a burden to people here...i feel like all i do is whine to people who have better things to deal with than listen to me be a baby.... i'm having a harder and harder time dealing lately...school is getting more stressful so my ed is getting worse and adoption thoughts are in my head a lot lately...i love the show house md and the past two weeks have killed me and i can't get it out of my head...they were about a chinese woman looking for her birth parents in china who was given up in twenty five years ago...almost my life...and the other one was about a birth mother who wanted to give up her child and changed her mind at the last minute...i don't know if its because its been in the back of my head more lately or if the show just really focused on that lately...regardless i am miserable because it... i want to know why my aparents didn't come to korea to get me...i don't care how much it cost or how inconvienent it was...why wasn't i good enough to come all the way for? i want to know why my bmom didn't hold me in haer arms and love me like the woman in the show...why didn't she realize that she couldn't live without me...why can she live without me...why didn't she love me enough why doesn't she love me enough to get me? i just want her to come and hold me and everything to be better....i'm so tired of feeling like the runner up and not knowing who i am.. i hate constantly feeling embarassed and not good enough...i feel so alone because of all this and my ed i've closed everyone out of my life....i'm all alone and i'm tired of it...i just want someone to love me and want me more than someone else...i want to be chosen and not stuck with... i feel so alone and haven't dated anyone in a long time because i am so afraid that i'm just there until someone else better comes along...i'm tired of feeling this way...it hurts too much..i'm just so scared someone anyone, my family, my friends, strangers, guys it doesn't matter who will realize how disgusting and fat and unloveable i am and will leave me too...i feel so lost and alone and like it just hurts too much...i'm so angry that at this time twenty six years ago my bmom was getting ready to give birth to me and still couldn't love me enough to leave me anything to show that she cared about me at all...and i hate that more than anything... i am so gut wrenching sad and alone and i'm tired of it...

Sweet heart at 19 I found out I was adopted not by my mom but my dad and they hid it from me. I felt like something was missing and I had to find my dad. We'll honey the best gift your mom could have given you was giving you up..See there are loving reasons for giving up a child and it has nothing to do with not wanting you ...Its wanting whats best for you. and i had to find that out the hard way...See I found my dad and my heart was so happy I hoped I had found a missing link ....:evilgrin: Not he was an evil wicked man and he hurt me worse than ever thinking that my mom kept it from me ...See God sent this wonderful man along and he adopted me when I was little and they never told me because he love me as much as his own..Sweetheart don't focus on bad reasons for her leaving you. She may not of had resources to provide and wanted you to have a better life. A I promise you she will never for get you...A mother never forgets a child she carries for nine months..there apart of your soul...Believe she did the best by loving you enough to give you up...and your adoptive parents would not of had the joy of watching you grow up and loving you if she hadn't made that sacrifice...forgive her and thank God for her love....I have had a wonderful life and after I met my psycho dad ...I realized how great it was that he walked away from me...but I was happy I was blessed with a dad who loved me and would die for me. You need to refocus cause finding your birth parent isn't always what its cracked up to be.. just know that you were blessed to be adopted...:cheer: Best Regards honey...and stop abusing yourself ...I did that too...when my dad rejected me...your a wonderful person...love yourself:love:

Hey Didi20, I can understand how you feel guilty. I feel burdened by the constant reminder that I and other adoptees should just be glad, grateful, silent adoptees. So when I do dare to express 'darker' emotions, I too, feel guilty. But another voice inside of me says, "Feel the guilt and let it all out anyway!" Keep venting. That's what support forums are useful for. You speak so truthfully and honestly. Your words echo what many other adoptees, including me, feel too - so you are not alone. As you speak out your truth, eventually you WILL reach a place of being more at ease with who you are and why your adoption happened. Yes, it's painful stuff but I encourage you to keep sharing as much as you want. There are many people here such as me who can really relate to what you say. Keep at it - it takes courage to allow oneself to feel such deep emotions - but I do know it's worth it. If there are any support groups in your area, I would also encourage you to connect with them. I found it immensely helpful to meet and talk in person with other adoptees.

Good Folks, All, When my wife and I married, we planned for three children: two made and one found. We made two boys, so we found a daughter. Our little girl is from Korea. If we had made one child and found two, the second would have been African or South American. We, ourselves, are of European descent. Anyway, we are very aware of the internal trauma adoptees can suffer, not from our own very fortunate lives, but from our native and educated ability to empathize with our fellow human beings. For me, every day I think of how fortunate I am to have my little girl, and every day I anticipate the agony we will share as she grows in understanding of the world. Likewise, I anticipate the mix of joy and sadness we will experience, and which I hope we share, in rediscovering her birth mother and father. Remember, you are loved for you in many places. Delighted, Peter

Hey Didi20, There was also a study titled, "The Gathering of the First Generation of Adult Korean Adoptees: Adoptees' Perceptions of International Adoption" done by the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute that involved about 400 Korean adoptees. Perhaps the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute might be able to put you in touch with other Korean adoptee support groups like G.O.A.L. Again, I found it immensely helpful to talk in person with other international adoptees as I found that my feelings were well understood and shared by many others.

Hi, well first I would like to do this :grouphug: You are definitely not alone. I am your age (27) and was also adopted from Korea. Pretty much everything you have said is how I have felt for a number of years now. I am happy to share more if you would like. I made a decision after significnat changes in my life that I needed to do something about it so have seeked the help of counselling in the hope that it may help me work through some of those feelings.. If you need to talk privately or anything I am always happy to listen.

I just sent you a message but in case it was not rec'd..my name is KyungMee. I was adopted around 7 years old. I know that we share difference in our experiences with adoption but know that many of 'us' do share a common sense of loss and sense of diplacement. Don't forget identity. I know I cannot and won't tell you how it all works and how you should feel but I believe we can choose to gain strength from our experiences and take it to learn how to see ourselves and others around us. I hope to hear from you more. Hope you can meet me at my new blog I recently started..in part for my own journey and to reach out to others. It is [url=http://homeiswithin.blogspot.com]Korean American Adoptee Home Is Within[/url] from KyungMee

Hi DiDi20, Thank you for sharing and for being so honest. I'm a Korean adoptee also (now 34). I was adopted when I was 7 months. I've met many, many Korean adoptees in my life, and I know that everyone had a different experience. We were all told just to "come to terms with our adoption". I understand all the feelings that you are experiencing. I hope that you have other adoptees around you that you can talk to. The most important thing is not to bottle up your emotions, and I applaud you for being brave enough to vent. I recently started blogging from the viewpoint of an adult adoptee. If you have time, check it out. [url=http://adopteevoice.blogspot.com]Adoptee Voice[/url]. Hang in there...

I am sorry that I cannot simply send you this book: I Wish For You A Beautiful Life, by Sara Dorow It is a treasury of letters written by mothers who lived at Ae Ran Won maternity home while they were getting ready to deliver their babies and follow through with their plans to adopt. I know that they will be difficult to read but I think it will give you tremendous comfort and help you gain an understanding for the epic love and immense pain behind your birthmother's decision. When you read the first letter "I love you, my dear baby" I hope that you will know that this book is for you and that in understanding the spirit of the mothers who wrote it is all the you need to move forward with a happy, beautiful life.

Didi20 I too am a 20-something Korean adoptee who often has fears of being left behind or abandoned. Surprising to me, I find myself more at peace than most adopted people - but I think that's mainly because there were other things going on in my family that meant adoption was never focused on too long. I guess this means that I was never allowed / never allowed myself to feel it was a big issue. I think it's important for you to realise that whoever you are, whatever you want to become, it's got to be all for yourself and not for the approval of anyone else (birthmother or otherwise). Sometimes I just remind myself that they are the ones missing out on knowing the person I've become and I owe them nothing. Maybe that sounds harsh, but as soon as you figure out how to accept that you're independent and amazing all by yourself, no matter what you're doing, you no longer need the approval of the owners of two chromosomes that happen to occupy you. Good luck - and I'm sorry these fears and thoughts are occupying so much of your life. I am practically able to push mine to the side, but every so often I recognise some behaviour of mine that is a result of being adopted and I get upset. I guess I mostly get upset because I can see that I get paranoid of people not liking me / fears of being left behind or substituted etc and I can't control or reason with these feelings. Sometimes I'm scared that I'll drive my boyfriend away being so paranoid and clingy. Anyway, I'm sorry this turned into such a self involved rant - but I hope something I said helped you in some way.

Didi, These feelings are all normal> i recently had to deal with all the feelings you are having. I was also adopted at 5 months old from Seoul but was born in pusan. it says in the documents i recently received my mother was not able to care for me being a single mom at 26. I was adopted In June 1984 and sent on a baby plane to JFK airport in New York.