Card from bgrandmother

I am not sure about your situation but it sounds like it is similar to what I've done. I declined contact with my bmom several years ago and now I regret it very much as I know it surely caused her pain. If I could only tell her one thing it would be that I am sorry for my decision back then. When that happened, I was thinking only of myself and the wishes of others and had no regard for someone elses feelings. Some people will say that it is all about me, but that's just not true. Some facts regarding my bmom have come to light recently that have made it much more important than it ever was before. Enough that I am tempted to throw money at Catholic Charities and jump through their hoops to get to the point of making contact. I was kind of raised as an only child and had a very frugal but easy life. I also know that based on my bmoms education level that she has had to have had a hard life. I want nor expect nothing from my bmom other than a chance to start anew. You bgrandmother might be lashing out because your bmom was so hopeful to start a reunion only to be rejected several years ago. Like I said, I don't have all of the facts regarding your situation, but you have a way to contact your bmom and work through any issues that may have developed. That is a lot more than many of us have. Best wishes always. And Happy Belated Birthday

My birthmom and I have had contact since March. We've had what I can describe as a relationship that is full of her making promises of things that never seem to happen. (i.e- I still cannot get a medical history). I've done my best to keep plugging away at building a relationship but it's hard. I am not sorry for my decision back then. I had a life full of stress, problems, and I wasn't emotionally prepared and I still hadn't worked through my anger. If I had began a relationship at that point in my life with any of my birth family, it would have surely ended in disaster and my anger would have hurt them. In this card my biological grandmother also seems to want me to forgive her for 'forcing' my biological mother to give me up. I simply cannot do that. I hold no ill will towards her but I can't make the peace that she needs to make over that. It feels like she is lashing out and yet also asking me to absolve her of things that have happened. I do want to build a relationship with this part of my family but I wonder if that's possible with all this anger and hurt that's swirling around.

You have my 100% support for what that's worth.Although I yearn to be where you are, I am also scared to death at the emotional turmoil that it brings. There is always so much guilt, anger, and hurt.Hang in there.

Belated Happy Birthday Wishes to you also. If you have any fear that the letter you have written might cause more harm than good, then you should put it aside for a few days and then re-read it with a new mindset. In my opinion, you should be as sweet and understanding as possible in any letters you write. I know it hurts us adoptees to put on a happy face when we are upset, but if you want to develop a better relationship with your bmom, you're going to have to put yourself on her level. Tell her that you were thinking about HER on your birthday -- you want to thank her for giving you life -- and you will always love her for the sacrifice she made, etc. I would think she will be more likely to respond to a compassionate letter; she obviously has issues of her own, but she'll just become more defensive if she feels you don't understand her position. I know it's very hard to let go of anger, but for the sake of your relationship, try not to let it show in your correspondence. Good luck.

When I say more harm than good I should clarify. It isn't a nasty or mean toned letter. I just don't know if the answers that I've given are ones that she is going to want to hear. I also made sure to let several other people read it just to be sure there was nothing in it that could be snarky. I've tried really hard to put myself on my birth mom's level. It's just that the things she says, and her actions are so different and it makes it very confusing. One minute she loves me and I have completed her life, the next I don't hear a peep from her for weeks. I've acknowledged her birthday, her at mother's day and several other times to thank her for the sacrifice that she made by giving birth to me.

I'm glad to hear that you take the time to review your letters before you send them. I worry that so many people write when they're upset and then end up causing damage to the relationship. Although you are confused by all the mixed messages from your bmom, I would try to concentrate on the positive ones -- after all, when she says she loves you, she must mean it. I would still keep up the pleasantries from your end, and see if your relationship gets better. At least she is communicating with you. But I agree that she seems to be playing with your emotions. That's not fair to you, but I'm not sure what you can do about it. I hate it when people tell me to "get over it" because my half-siblings don't want to know me (my bparents are deceased). Several months ago my half-sister told me she would send me a picture of her/my mom, and it has never come. I finally got the nerve to call her house last week, and her husband told me she would call back. Well, she has not called. I am so confused by the mixed messages. I don't understand people, and I am just tired of the craziness. I really wish there was someway I could "get over it". But it sounds like you're doing everything right -- good luck.

Waiting is a good thing. A couple of years ago, I was on this site trying to start a search. I had a huge maturity boost after I postponed my search. I would have bad mouthed my adoptive parents because my world was still very self centered. Now I can tell you that my adoptive mother was very lost in the world. She was trying to protect me from her family's opinion of adoption, trying to make my life different than hers was, and trying to deal with a child that didn't function the same as others without any instruction manuals (I have inattentive attention deficit disorder which didn't have a diagnosis in the 80's). A couple of years ago I would have told you that she adopted me for social status but didn't really want kids, that she was an alcoholic, that I was ripped away from the family and moved to the other side of the country to be raised by wolves while she was out drinking. I would have told you that she never tried, and wouldn't have had the maturity to say that her father drank, that she had no or little support when her relationship with my father failed, that she was terrified, and she was left to care for two adopted girls alone without even steady child support. I wouldn't have been able to tell you that she did the very best that she could personally do to bring me life's necessities while earning herself some small bit of ease to her nervous ulcer ridden stomach. She had it very rough, and I believe I socked it to her a couple of years ago on this very site, throwing my little pity party and inviting all of you who would read my words and feel bad for me. Waiting is a good thing because as long as the wait doesn't last until it's too late, then more can be enjoyed I think as more is understood with a mind that is mature and compassionate. I tried to be mature back then, loving, understanding, and gentle. I was stretching as far as I could possibly stretch my mind. Now I can reach what I'm stretching for!! You waited not because they were "bad people" but because God knew you weren't ready yet and this is important for you, it wasn't time for you to learn what you need to learn, you wouldn't have been able to grasp the lessons of life properly. He put up obstacles you couldn't overcome. Not anyone's fault, just a matter of doing it when He urged you to. Grandma can't argue with that! Just look at what I was saved from telling biological parents about myself!! Horrific!! Best wishes to you!:love: :love: :love: :grouphug:

Thanks very much for your kind replies. I did sent a letter almost two weeks ago and haven't had a reply yet. I spent a lot of time working on it and even had several friends read it just to make sure nothing sounded like it was mean. I explained that I think that we will always see things from the other side, me as an adoptee, her as birth family, and that I hope that we can learn more about each other and start to understand each side of the situation better in the future. I did tell her that I cannot apologize for not being ready to contact them earlier, that I just was not emotionally ready, and I hope that it is something that they understand.