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I am looking to see if anyone else has been through the same experience. I am 27 and a single mom to an almost 5 year old, and I placed a child for adoption in the beginning of 1997, not sure of the exact date, I know it was january. I feel really bad that I don't know the exact date, that time is very blurry. I know he was a boy and that the family was chosen for me, and adopted him 2 days later.
I got pregnant when I was only 14, turned 15 shortly after I got pregnant, and was pretty naive. I knew I was pregnant, but didn't take a pregnancy test until I was almost 4 months pregnant. I think I was embarrassed about being pregnant. My mom found out when I was around 6 months pregnant. Up until that point, I had not received any prenatal care. My mom made me an appointment to have an abortion but when I got to the clinic that's when they told me I was almost 7 months pregnant, and it was too late. My mom told me she'd set up everything to give the baby away. In the meantime, I continued going to school, I was in a school play, and everyone thought I had gained weight. Nobody knew. It was a difficult time. My dad had left my mom, and we were struggling financially, and my mom was struggling with severe depression, I was too. I blocked so much out. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy in january 1997. I wanted to keep him, but my mom forced me to put him up for adoption. She told me I wouldn't have a place to live if I didn't, I was only 15. From what I know, it is a semi-open adoption.
I came here because I realize that I have made a variety of very poor choices based on never dealing with giving my son away. I got pregnant again when I was 20 and had an abortion for fear of being forced to put another child up for adoption, even though I am strongly prolife. I had my daughter while in a very bad relationship, but she is my world. Since having her, I think I have been working on bettering myself to be the best role model for her. I got pregnant again last year, and lost the baby at 15 weeks. I have been facing the fear that the child I put up for adoption may be my daughter's only real sibling, as I have some gynelogical issues. I realize that I have to deal with placing my son. I wish I knew where he was, who adopted him, I don't know any of this. A few years ago my mom told me that the adoptive parents of my son had contacted the father's grandmother, and they sent her pictures. I ran into the grandmother about 2 years ago and asked her, but she denied it. I don't know why they haven't contacted me. My son is 11, almost 12, and I think about him all the time. I don't think I was ready to be a parent then, and I am sure he is well taken care of, but I wish I had some information. Because he is still a minor, of course I can't find any information. And if I ask my mom or my dad, they tell me to stop living in the past, and focus on my future. But I feel like that part of my past needs to be dealt with to have the best future. I was in counseling a few years ago with a counselor who specializes in adoption, and it helped, but I still feel like a piece of me is missing. It's difficult to deal with at times. I also joined a support group, but I left because all the other birth parents were in contact with the adoptive parents and had contact with their birth children. Is there anyone else out there like me? Where do I start? Is there any possibility of finding out anything about my birth son before he turns 18? Just looking for some support. I don't talk about this a lot because I am afraid of being judged, for what? I don't know, I just feel a little ashamed, I guess......sorry this was long!
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If you have semi-open, you should contact your agency and request an update. They will probably want a written request.
At my agency, I was under the assumption that if there was something in my file, they would contact me. I waited for several years, not getting any updates. Around that time I met a friend who also was a birthmom, who placed with the same agency. She informed me that I needed to ask for any updates before they would send them. I did not know this. So I contacted my agency, and they were able to get ahold of the aparents and from that point on, I would make a request every year. I was fortunate in that I got pictures and little updates often throughout his life. It helped me tremendously.
I would start with contacting your agency. I hope that works out for you!
As far as your parents telling you to put this in your past, that is impossible. I wonder if your mom lost you if she could just forget about it and move on. Your instincts are right in that you need to process what happened to you and find support you need to live with a decision that was not yours in the first place. If it is too difficult to be in a group where other birthmoms have contact with the adoptive parents, maybe private counseling would be better for you right now. There is also a lot of support here. :grouphug:
Alison, I have heard of many first moms forgetting the actual date. At least you know the month and year! I have helped people search, who have had no clue what year they gave birth in. Can you ask your mom if she knows what your sons date of birth is? If she doesn't or you don't want to ask her, I would suggest calling the hospital and asking them to send you your records. You could easily get the date of birth from that. I am confused about the semi-open aspect. You stated that someone else picked the adoptive parents for you and that you have never gotten any updates. For all intents and purposes, this very much sounds like a closed adoption to me.
Wow- I am so sorry that this happened to you. This is why adoption laws need to be rewritten. I agree with the other posters as to the steps you should take. First request your medical records, then you will have the Bdate. Then find out which adoption agency or attorney was used, the agency may have information, or even updates waiting for you. You mentioned that the grandmother of the baby may have received information from the aparents. Is it possible to talk to the father of the baby, and see if he knows or if he is willing to talk to his grandma to see if she will give him any information.
I hope you are able to make contact and I hope the aparents are open to contact.
Dear AlisonMarie,
Hi! My name's Janey. Welcome to the forum! :thankyou: I am so glad you found us! :flower:
I am so sorry for all that you have suffered. To be so young and have the weight of the world pressing down on you.
A very wise woman in here told me that it's not uncommon for birthmothers to get pregnant soon after relinquishing; that it's as if we're trying to get back that precious piece of ourselves that we lost.
It sounds like that's what you've been through.
I understand too about fear of judgement. It is very hard to trust people after facing scorn and loss on such a huge scale.
My heart goes out to you and I pray that you and your daughter can find peace and happiness in this life. And that you can find the same with your son as well.
Keep posting! We're here for you!
And again, welcome! :thankyou:
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AlisonMarie
I am looking to see if anyone else has been through the same experience. I am 27 and a single mom to an almost 5 year old, and I placed a child for adoption in the beginning of 1997, not sure of the exact date, I know it was january. I feel really bad that I don't know the exact date, that time is very blurry. I know he was a boy and that the family was chosen for me, and adopted him 2 days later.
I got pregnant when I was only 14, turned 15 shortly after I got pregnant, and was pretty naive. I knew I was pregnant, but didn't take a pregnancy test until I was almost 4 months pregnant. I think I was embarrassed about being pregnant. My mom found out when I was around 6 months pregnant. Up until that point, I had not received any prenatal care. My mom made me an appointment to have an abortion but when I got to the clinic that's when they told me I was almost 7 months pregnant, and it was too late. My mom told me she'd set up everything to give the baby away. In the meantime, I continued going to school, I was in a school play, and everyone thought I had gained weight. Nobody knew. It was a difficult time. My dad had left my mom, and we were struggling financially, and my mom was struggling with severe depression, I was too. I blocked so much out. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy in january 1997. I wanted to keep him, but my mom forced me to put him up for adoption. She told me I wouldn't have a place to live if I didn't, I was only 15. From what I know, it is a semi-open adoption.
I came here because I realize that I have made a variety of very poor choices based on never dealing with giving my son away. I got pregnant again when I was 20 and had an abortion for fear of being forced to put another child up for adoption, even though I am strongly prolife. I had my daughter while in a very bad relationship, but she is my world. Since having her, I think I have been working on bettering myself to be the best role model for her. I got pregnant again last year, and lost the baby at 15 weeks. I have been facing the fear that the child I put up for adoption may be my daughter's only real sibling, as I have some gynelogical issues. I realize that I have to deal with placing my son. I wish I knew where he was, who adopted him, I don't know any of this. A few years ago my mom told me that the adoptive parents of my son had contacted the father's grandmother, and they sent her pictures. I ran into the grandmother about 2 years ago and asked her, but she denied it. I don't know why they haven't contacted me. My son is 11, almost 12, and I think about him all the time. I don't think I was ready to be a parent then, and I am sure he is well taken care of, but I wish I had some information. Because he is still a minor, of course I can't find any information. And if I ask my mom or my dad, they tell me to stop living in the past, and focus on my future. But I feel like that part of my past needs to be dealt with to have the best future. I was in counseling a few years ago with a counselor who specializes in adoption, and it helped, but I still feel like a piece of me is missing. It's difficult to deal with at times. I also joined a support group, but I left because all the other birth parents were in contact with the adoptive parents and had contact with their birth children. Is there anyone else out there like me? Where do I start? Is there any possibility of finding out anything about my birth son before he turns 18? Just looking for some support. I don't talk about this a lot because I am afraid of being judged, for what? I don't know, I just feel a little ashamed, I guess......sorry this was long!
take care of you - there are no guarantees that a relinquished child will ever contact (it's great if they do). If not, you cannot take that upon yourself. Concentrate on the people in your life now, it's hard to walk this road but all that can keep us moving forward is that we did the "right" thing for everyone and continue do so - I have learned, don't look back - be honest, compassionate and truthful and all will be right.
keds
there are no guarantees that a relinquished child will ever contact (it's great if they do). If not, you cannot take that upon yourself.
Alisonmarie, I too, am sorry you are suffering, sad ,and confused. ALL of us can give you our ways of dealing with this journey, but ALL of us do so in differing ways. Therefore what works for one may not work for another. I came accross an article, one of many in dealing with the loss of 'our children', and it offered some amazingly accurate events that one lives with after relinquishing a child. Up until last year, I had very little memory of my twins and the events that took place. I still do not have a memory so-to-speak, of the 1st year after relinquishment...so this is quite common, especially when one, such as yourself, relinquishes in their teen yrs. I will only read a small part of what this Doctor said, so maybe it will give you some sort of calm in knowing what you are dealing with is normal. " Because of the Firstmothers tender age, it is reasonable to assume that this experience has created numerous emotional scars, in addition to the physical loss of her child. Denial becomes survival for MOST firstmothers. Frequently MUCH was arrested along with pain, such as the ability to love or trust again. Due to the pyschological trauma, AMNESIA may also develop around certain aspects of their experience; i.e.; DATE OF BIRTH, HOSPITAL,AND BIRTHING DETAILS, EVENTS,PLACES, AND PEOPLE AT THAT TIME! It is not uncommon to the firstmother to become developmentally fixated at the age of their loss/trauma." This is what I believe happens to many of us firstmom, the article also reads, FUTURE PREGNANCIES, MAY BE NON-EXISTENT, AND SOME MAY HAVE MISCARRIAGE RELATED ISSUES, AND SOME MAY NEVER BE ABLE TO BECOME PREGNANT AGAIN. It goes on into detail of many other reprocussions of relinquishing a child. I hope you continue to come a let us know your thoughts, there are many here whom are wonderful and wise. I think , it sounds like you are being a great Mommy! WE can never go back, only move forward, being the best we can, for ourselves, thus being better for those we love. "NOTHING speaks so loudly or is heard so plainly...as the silent voice of a Mothers love"- Emily Tipton- Blessings to you and your children...C.J.
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One last quick thought I have always lived with....Unlike you, or maybe not, I relinquished and lived unknowingly, with my twins father, blaming him for not doing, or saying anything, to help me keep our twins. I believed that this was the reason for our breaking apart and going our seperate ways. He is a good, knid man...but is not meant to be a father. He has 1 daughter and 5 sons, including our twins, all are ages 23-30, he is their Dad, but NOT their PARENT. He has never participated in a Dad-son, or Dad-daughter relationship...never. So we all handle and digest things differently. Sometimes SILENCE , really does speak LOUDLY! You are on a journey, of which to be the best you can possibly be...keep striving, and being just who you are, many many HUGS I send to you...Blessings...again...C.J.