Adult adoptee survivor of child abuse wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

I've always felt like I was alone in what you've described. My adoptive family was upper middle class, from the outside everything looked rosy, all the abuse was hidden. I've found my birth siblings, 2 who were also adopted, and 2 who were raised by my birthmother. My birthmother refuses to meet me, and threatened my sisters with being disowned if they stayed in contact. My counselor says there is a brick wall between me and most everyone, I had a fantasy growing up that my birth mother would be happy to meet me, when that didn't happen, it made me feel like a failure in any relationship. If you can't get 2 mothers to love you, must be something you're doing. I'm 44, and still struggling past the past, after my adoptive parents died, both their families no longer included me in any family events, because "I just wasn't one of them" I'm trying to develop a relationship with my birth sisters, but it's tense with them having to hide it from my birthmother. I stay depressed and lonely too.

I am a birthmom hoping to be in reunion with my son in the near future. From what I know, he has had a very good bonding experience with his adoptive parents, for which I am very grateful. I don't know how I could cope if he was abused in his home, for I was assured that he was going to parents who could give him everything I could not at the time. My heart goes out to those adoptees who had abusive experiences, and especially when they also have the rejection of their birthfamilies to contend with on top of everything else. I know reunion is hard and the emotions are not easy to deal with, but I simply cannot imagine treating my son with such harshness and laying out ultimatums as to who can be in contact with him and who cannot. I wish I could just reach out and :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: you!! Greene and Arnese, I would welcome you with open arms if you were my birthchildren!! I know that doesn't help, and you want your own families to accept you and treat you with respect and love, and I wish you could have that. I hope you can both find peace in your lives going forward.

Greene34 First, forgive my candor in what I write next. I don't often show my ruthless side because I don't want people to know me that well, but my heart went out to you. And you touched a nerve. And I know this probably isn't what you meant at all in what you posted but it's just flying out of me like jet fuel. (((( Greene34 )))) This thing your adoptive family did....what an awful thing they did to you in their fear....in their selfishness. You know my blood did this to me (by blood I mean bio - I'm not adopted). I raised the flag on nutso dad and my family buried their heads in the sand and left me to hang. At the apex of my institutionalization, they were told that they needed to get on board with the truth of our lives or it would very likely lead to my suicide. My chance of killing myself at that time was gaged at roughly 70% for it. The psychiatrists and psychologists literally said to my family, "If you don't all start acknowledging what happened to all of you, the next time you see Janey it may well be when she's laying in her casket." My family all shrugged, every single one of them. Then they went on with the day and waited for me to die because that occurrence would've been infinately easier for them to live with than having to face the shame and pain of our collective past. I'll tell ya, it took me years.......years.......to live with them in peace despite what they did and I would be a liar if I said I've forgiven them. I mean, yeah, I do love them despite my bitterness, but I never take my eyes off them either. It's a half-love conditioned on the understanding that they'll do it again in a New York minute. Not because they are evil but because it's too **** hard for them to travel back to where we come from. The legacy of abuse....it holds a terrible power over the soul; mine included. My family knows in no uncertain terms that if they ever find themselves in the shoes I wore then, half insane in a straight jacket, alone and terrified, having to claw my way back to the light of day? Yeah welp....good luck to 'em!! Hope they have a good time weaving baskets in the bin. Heck, I'll send flowers. Abuse is an icy, dark and lonely road. Some might say they learn how to traverse it then come back all sweetness and light. Yeah. Right. I saw that crapamundo on a t-shirt once. I didn't buy that either. Living the half-life between my desparate desire for my family to acknowledge what we suffered and my fervent hope to overcome my own pain and the rage it has left in me. Maaaannn.... The dark storm within. Not pretty but there it is. I wish you peace Greene34. Lord knows you deserve some. Arnese I keep seeing this same thing over and over in here. It makes me ashamed as a parent. I am so sorry that this woman did this to you and to your sisters. :hissy: It is wrong, plain and simple.

I am also an adult adoptee[36].I Know exactly where you are coming from as I,along with my not so younger brother were abused as infant's by our bio-parent's.We were placed in foster care when I was 2 he was 8 mo.[I Have GOD to thank for us not being separated]He and I are very close.We were adopted by the folk's that fostered us in 1976,And 2 other children prior to us.My father was an alcoholic and my mother was an avid gambler.Us 4 kid's pretty much had to raise ourselves. Our adopted parent's had family in Pennsylvania and we would visit every year in the summer.My mother being born and raised there,had a lot of family.[so I Had many,many cousins]I Don't remember exactly when it began,..but there I Was being abused,all over again.Being so young I Suppose I didn't think there was anything wrong this.All of my cousin's were much older than me.[the boy's] When I turned 13,I begged and begged her to let me stay home instead of go on "vacation",of course she refused saying I Was to young,blah,blah,blah.About a week later I had decided enough is enough!! I went to my mother and told her everything that had happened[as I remembered it]and her reaction shocked me to no end.She told me I Was making it all up,that I was only trying to get some attention,and of course,.. "No-one in her family would do such a thing".SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE A WORD I SAID!!I Was her daughter,I trusted her,I Loved her,and then,...I hated her.I did go to Pa. that summer,nothing BAD happened.That was the last year I went ,I had found a job babysitting and could stay with them for the week. It was year's later When I was about 28,My brother and I were sitting around one night talking about some of the "Fun" thing's that we remembered about Pa. and as our conversation went further along,..he started acting kind of weird and growing silent.I Asked him one simple ,yet personal question,...It happened to you too,didn't it?? We both cried and hugged for the longest time.The next day we both went to"Our ad-mother" told her together everything that had occured and she still refused to believe saying once again that "No-one in her family could ever do such a thing". To This day I don't talk to her much at all.I Do call to see how she is doing.[not that I Could help her as I'm more than 1800 mile's away,yet still not far enough]She is still my mother. I Have been in many relationship's and find it difficult to commit.Each time I find a really GOOD GUY and feel like I belong somewhere I seem to choke,and run,or I find a guy that has been abusive in HIS past relation's and seek them out.I guess I feel like It's a part of who I am,who I've become.I have been betrayed by all of those I held close,whom I was supposed to trust and love, and now I find it hard to even trust myself. People have the nerve to say "GET OVER IT".Well I say to them,"You couldn't walk a mile in the shoe's I've worn".People don't truely understand the lifetime damage it cause's unless it has happened to them,or someone close to them.It last's forever.Abuse of ANY KIND hasn't got a sexual,race,or,age prefference.It is everywhere and we as human being's, have got to put an end to it,somehow,someway!! :mad: WE NEED TO STAND UP FOR OURSELVES.IF WE DON'T,..WHO WILL???

Dear Greene,In response to your question regarding child abuse, I can understand.I am a male adopted in the mid 30's. It was a different era. There were no child protection laws and wealthy parents interested in adoption, could simply get through an easy system. The emphasis was on satisfying the parents and their child requirements, while little if any thoughts were given to the child's needs when they became adults. It was an era when Carey Grant and Irene Dunn were on the screen sharing their wonderful adoption experiences...It was an era when adopted children should be grateful for being adopted...I was sold into adoption through a black market system. The only person interested in an adopted child was my 1st a-mother. When she died at age 3, no one wanted me any more. My a-father was forced into being a single parent to a child he didn't want. He abandoned me. Although I had the basics in regards to shelter and food, I was left in the care of housekeepers. Some were abusive and that started my road into the dark abyss of abuse.My fathers 2nd wife had little use for me. Daily abuse of all types was the norm. At age 7, when she told me I was adopted her manner was nasty and biting. She made sure I knew I was not related to anyone in that family. In a single chat, I lost my bonding and security....I became an outsider who was tainted and suspect. I had no value or merit. My a-mom had wide mood swings. Sometimes happy, often angry and upset.I worried constantly about her emotional state. If there was anger, her patience was short and punishment was instant.At age 9, there had been so much abuse that I knew I had become a slave. Only the concerns of adults mattered. Their word was law. I was less than a pet.Each day I hoped I could become perfect and perhaps that would allow me entrance into the family. It never did.The some forms of abuse ended...the emotional and verbal abuse continued. It never ended.The outsider status in my a-family remained until they died.Today, there are still periods when the feelings of grief and loss are almost overwhelming. As I look back at what happened a very long time ago, there is no doubt that it all took place, but it didn't have too.

Drywall Few things I've read here have hit home as hard as this did. Thank you for having the courage to write this. Raven051872 This sounds like a programmed response. The mantra of those who don't want to face their own childhood or anyone elses. My sympathies to you and your brother in the heartbreak hearing this must've caused you. Much respect,

greene34...glad you shared your feelings in regards to abuse. I can relate.My own abuse occurred from age 3-18. My a-parents bought me so I could join their family...unknown to me, I was a possession...an outsider...clearly I needed to be trained to provide worthwhile service to the family. It was only they that mattered. The almost daily abuse was considered training. A way to teach adult standards and how children should learn to serve the needs of adults. Both a-parents were professional, so no area of abuse was overlooked. Abuse my a-mom couldn't provide, she left to outsiders....All adoptees handle their adoption circumstances and experiences with their a-parents differently. I had lived in a foreign country and seen the results of poverty and a lifestyle of the poor. I wanted more...and I knew only I could provide it.I aged out of the family at 18 and again there was abandonment. My a-family altho upper middle class, indicated there was to be no help. Grief, loss, fear of abandonment, and even hopelessness and despair could not be a part of a resume.I set out to follow my dream. I knew there were pitfalls and crevices from which there would be no recovery. I had nothing. There was only 1 chance to make it...succeed, or fall into a bottomless pit.I was able to wall-off all my past a-family experiences and focus only on what was important along an upward pathway. It took a long time...but for me, it worked.Now in the sunset of my life, healing has taken place, altho, there are still feelings related to grief and loss. The only remaining question, was the abuse a requirement? And if so, does it matter?...Again, I wish you the best.

After reading the o.p's post I wondered to myself "Did I sleep walk during the night and come online and type this?" I can relate since I was also abused by my a.mum and a.brother (who is their bio son). A.mum would often hold me down and let my a.brother beat on me. I was told "even your birth Mother didn't want you!" or a favorite of a.mum's was "Your real Mum is dead!"- btw, birth Mother was not known to have died, I assume this was just a way for a.mum to hurt me. I was manipulated for years. Bringing up the adoption in my household was forbidden, like it was a sordid secret. I feared and loathed a.mum- her moods were unpredictable- actually let me correct that, her moods were always somewhere along the lines of angry and she would lash out at me, verbally or physically. Like you I was given the essentials but, never affection, appreciation or understanding (only on occasion by my a.dad), I was made to feel like an inconvenience other than the fact that I was good for never ending amounts of housework. I was a neat and organised child (still am) and a.mum would say "But, you're so good at cleaning and you must enjoy it". My a.mum and a.dad could be arguing over finances but, in the end it didn't matter, I would still get a beating or the blame for them somehow arguing. When a.mum and a.dad would scream and yell my a.mum would say to a.dad "Get out and take that ungrateful little ***** with you". A.dad never had the guts to stand up for me and stood by and watched which resulted in me resenting him, he was supposed to protect me! When I was around the age of thirteen I was abandoned by my adopted family and placed back in to a childrens home where I was raised until a few days after my 16th birthday, then it was off to a supported living apartment. I no longer keep in touch with them, life is happier and more relaxed without them but, I still harbor a lot of anger towards them- I think I always will. Of course, because my a.mum was very deceptive and we appeared to be a well rounded family I always felt like nobody believed me. My words fell on deaf ears. It was a lonely and terrifying childhood. I'm sorry that you also went through this, I really feel your pain. I've never understood why people would adopt a child then treat that child so poorly, it's beyond me. Have you considered speaking with a therapist?

In reading many of the posts on this site, it seems as tho the legacy of adoption abuse is permanent. From a personal level, this has been true. As adopted children, with the unfolding of our lives, there was a great contrast between the ideal "forever family" for which we hoped, and the grief, loss and abuse that became reality. I believed that the abuse and non-abuse portions of my life were a part of the total family experience. As adoptees, we knew no other way. And our desire for "forever" was so great, we became trapped in that family experience. We didn't understand that our needs for family required that we become involved in endless compromises and denial. We couldn't move on, there was no place to go. Somehow, the requirement to make it all work, fell on us. This was what "forever" families were all about.In my a-family I was the caretaker and peacemaker, altho, i was still suspect, tainted and an outsider. I had no status as a family member and no merit or value. Whatever abuse happened was of little consequence. Only adults mattered.As a result, those dark experiences occupy a more prominent part of my memory.It has been many years since the abuse, but healing continues. The amounts of healing can't be translated into a percentage. Some of us will heal more so than others.For some there will be only 40% healing...others, 60% or even 90%. We wont know how much, only that healing has occurred.As I look back on all those experiences, each day is one more day to heal, and for that, I am grateful.I wish you the best.

Hello, Everyone, I'm new here. I am so glad there are others out there who have a similar story to mine. What do we do with all the pain? Being adopted by a family who had no right adopting anyone at all, for purely selfish reasons that had devastating results. I am in therapy now, and I am working on undoing 47 years of suffering. It won't be easy for me, but I have my kids, and my husband to turn to, as well as several cousins from my a-family who really love me. I want to change adoption legislation to make it harder for just anyone to adopt a baby. My a-parents were never tested psychologically-there was not enough time to do it before I was born. Nor did the agency follow up on my a-family. I believe that the agency should do yearly followups for 13 years at least, to track abuse and issues that arise in the family such as autism,or retardation, or genetic disorders, or mental illness in the adoptee or a-family so they can be removed to a safe environment if necessary. If that had happened for me, I could have been removed to a safe environment, and had a better chance of a happy life. I am fortunate that I have my intelligence and a high IQ, as well as a very resilient and strong personality and spiritual life. I want to write about my experiences, and share with other adoptees, so they can find their way out of the darkness and find their way back to wholeness. I have spent too much time on unproductive emotional quests to earn the love of my a-siblings and a-parents-it was a fruitless journey for me. Now I just want to create positive change in the world around me, to try to end the needless suffering of other adoptees.

Coloradogirl...thanx for the post...I can relate to the things you said in regards to abuse. I have been there.Its good to hear that you are seeking help thru a therapist. The therapist is there to help you, and you no longer feel as tho you have to fight the battle of whats in your head, all alone.One of the tools that seems to help us recover from abuse, is journaling. This is simply the writing of your story...It can be written in any style. I wrote mine according to the milestones that occurred...I was born....when I was 6....when I was 9.... etc. Your story is yours. It is not to be critiqued in any manner. No one should see it unless you are willing to share.It is not easy to write a story, but it seems to act much like a defrag disc in a computer. It cleans up all the unnecessary bits and pieces and allows for putting everything together. It makes it easy to control and when any abuse is triggered, you have an easier understanding of how you feel. Once you have written your story, there is a sense of accomplishment, strength and healing.It has been a very long time since my status was one of being tainted, suspect, and an outsider.The therapist and the people around that love and care about you will help you heal and make it easier to move forward. Never give up. Healing will happen.I wish you the best.

Quote from Arnese - "If you can't get 2 mothers to love you, must be something you're doing." My adoptive "mother" was abusive too and used the above quote to keep me feeling like I was the problem. I believed it until I FINALLY got a wonderful therapist with training in abuse survivors - she let me know it was NOT me that had a problem - it was my female adoptive parent! She actually WANTED me to feel unloved (even told me when I was 13 that I "was your (a)father's idea to adopt - I didn't want someone else's brat!") so that she could control me. I am now 51, moved FAR away and broke contact with whole adoptive family and am starting to learn to be "Me" - someone loved and loving. It IS hard and I DO start to drop back in the "What is wrong is because I'm a bad person" mindset but I am learning to think not feel and try to figure out how to fix whatever is the problem - not just feel guilty and rejected.You ARE lovable - and loving - don't let the ones that REALLY had the problem make you believe otherwise. It IS ok to get away from the negative people! Hugs - PJ

I can relate. I was heavily abused, physically and sexually from my adoption. I also expressed my desire to change my name back to my birth name, and my adoptive parents took that as me insulting them and being ungrateful for "a better life".

A summary of my horror story of adoption....I was adopted out by my birth mother when I was 4 because she couldnt handle raising my brother and I with her wife-beating husband who did nothing but drink, watch football, and beat her. My dad tried to kill right in front of my 2 times. The adoption agency clearly didnt vet my parents properly because they were the worst parents ever. Right wing christian fundamentalists. I was 4 and my brother was 7. Right after the adoption was signed off on, the abuse happened almost instantly. My brother was beaten (not disciplined) nearly every day for every tiny issue. I was forced into becoming an innocent bystander to it all. Sitting in the living room when I could hear my brother yelling in pain from the bedroom on the opposite side of the house was extremely traumatizing. I wont go into the horrific details as they're enough to make sane person vomit, but lets just say the basis of the abuse was around christians and the "spare the rod" attitude. They wouldnt stop until we were wailing in pain and bruised. Thats what these parents considered "proper". Then, at least with me, my dad decided to indulge his secret desires that he clearly told no one about and repeatedly groped me while I was bent over the bed. This happened several HUNDRED times. They even used boarding school punishment on us and "slapped" our hands with a kitchen spatula 3 times on each hand HARD! This was all when I was around 8 and it continued until I was around 12. The agreement they made with my bio mother was that religion would NOT be forced on us. Out the window that went. Bible reading every night, going to church every week without fail. My dad even threw me outside for an hour after having an argument in my mid teens in the cold (-10 celcius) because he got upset that I was being supposedly obstinate. Personally I'm tired of the narrative that adoption is this "loving choice" and is a supposed perfect solution to everything. Its SOOOO not.

A summary of my horror story of adoption....I was adopted out by my birth mother when I was 4 because she couldn't handle raising my brother and I with her wife-beating husband who did nothing but drink, watch football, and beat her. My dad tried to kill right in front of my 2 times. The adoption agency clearly didn't vet my parents properly because they were the worst parents ever. Right wing christian fundamentalists. I was 4 and my brother was 7. Right after the adoption was signed off on, the abuse happened almost instantly. My brother was beaten (not disciplined) nearly every day for every tiny issue. I was forced into becoming an innocent bystander to it all. Sitting in the living room when I could hear my brother yelling in pain from the bedroom on the opposite side of the house was extremely traumatizing. I wont go into the horrific details as they're enough to make sane person vomit, but lets just say the basis of the abuse was around Christians and the "spare the rod" attitude. They wouldn't stop until we were wailing in pain and bruised. That's what these parents considered "proper". Then, at least with me, my dad decided to indulge his secret desires that he clearly told no one about and repeatedly groped me while I was bent over the bed. This happened several HUNDRED times. They even used boarding school punishment on us and "slapped" our hands with a kitchen spatula 3 times on each hand HARD! This was all when I was around 8 and it continued until I was around 12. The agreement they made with my bio mother was that religion would NOT be forced on us. Out the window that went. Bible reading every night, going to church every week without fail. My dad even threw me outside for an hour after having an argument in my mid teens in the cold because he got upset that I was being supposedly obstinate. Personally I'm tired of the narrative that adoption is this "loving choice" and is a supposed perfect solution to everything. Its so not.