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I am an adoptee, I am a birthmother, AND I am an adoptive parent. I have no birth children of my own, nor do I know anyone that is my blood. This could be why I am about to bring up this subject, and I acknowledge that.
My adopted daughter was conceived by a woman who was trying to get pregnant so that her boyfriend at the time would marry her. He gave her the finger and walked out of her life. The woman then married a man (who I am now married to), who adopted this child and they had another of their own, then the mother walked out of both of their lives because she didn't want children. My adopted daughter is still being ignored by both of her real parents and has had to live with the trauma of knowing neither of her parents wanted her. The mother still keeps in touch with the younger of the two children.
I was 19 when I got pregnant and although my parents were behind me either way, I chose to give the child up for adoption because I knew he/she would go to a wonderful loving person, because that is what happened win my situation. I was raised by two loving parents that constantly reminded me that they waited years to get me and that I was no mistake or accident. Ever since that birth, I have found that I have a hard time getting pregnant, and then carrying the child. I had several miscarriages during a previous marriage. I practically begged my husband to go with me to a fertility specialist (I have never gone that route before due to expenses) and he absolutely refused, saying he has already raised his children. This was years ago, and now I have gotten over it (or so I thought) since I do have a family regardless of whether any of the children are my blood.
Now my husband's birth child (the one who is still in contact with her mother) is pregnant, and my husband wants to adopt and raise this baby. I am for putting the child up for adoption. He says we shouldn't because this child is our blood.
Help me understand the concept of not even considering adoption, and instead, bringing up a child in this environment, one in which neither parent wanted the child and it is raised by a grandparent?
And the bigger issue, why is it okay to raise this child but not at least try to help me have one of my own?
Anybody else out there in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
I am hurt, angry, and at this point I have closed off discussion with my husband. I have even insinuated that this is a deal-breaker for me. Please help.
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There is one thing you failed to post about - how does your 'husbands child' feel about this? In the end, it is her decision - so I'm not sure that either of you is in the position to even have this fight...at least at this point.The decision is hers. Let her make it. What worked for you and your family when you faced an unplanned pregnancy may not work for your 'husbands child'...Adoption is not one size fits all for everyone.
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Well, it kinda sounds like you have a decision to make. I would guess your husband feels as strongly about this as you do - although your opinions seem to be very different. Who is right and who is wrong? Both and neither of you - if that's what you want to hear. You're both equally right and equally wrong - because in the end, there is no 'perfect' answer - it’s only an answer. You have to do what is right for you just ask your husband has to do what is right for him.If you feel you DO NOT want to mother this child and he feels equally strong that he DOES want to father this child - then it sounds like a disagreement on issues between the two of you...It isn't your responsibility to make him see your side...nor is it his to make you see his. I suggest you ALL sit down and make a decision you can live with. No one should be forced to make a decision that is not what they feel is right.
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Convex, I have empathy for the situation you are faced with. This post read like a soap-opera. Brandy is 100% correct, listen to her wise words. In my opinion, not only does husbands daughter need counseling, but ALL 3 of you do. This in my opinion, is not a correct enviroment to bring a child into. Your step-daughter?, has not even had this child yet and many things will inevatibly change. But first and foreost this pregnant mother to be , most definately needs counseling, it is not normal , mentality wise, to say that the decision is up to her father, and whatever he wishes is oksy with her. THIS IS JUST LUDICROUS! You mentioned you could not bare a child since you, yourself, relinquished, this unfortunately does happen to alot of us after we relinquish. This too needs to be adressed in counseling. I think there alot of issues that need to be resolved before bringing an innocent little child into this. Your husband most assuredly needs to seek advice from professionals, he needs to figure out why it is okay to raise his daughters child, but cannot commit to having one with you...after all he said" He had raised his children and needed no more". I hope you can keep coming and listening to these wise women, they will be able to help, but professionals will also be needed in this one. I mean no disrespect to you and welcome you here to post and we will listen, God Bless You and I am so sorry you are dealing with all this...:flower:
Maybe the difference to your dh is that planning on an infant wasn't something he wanted to do, but now that there is one, he feels compelled to step up to the plate? I'm not sure if I'm explaining this quite right, so I'll use dh and I as an example. We intend to adopt via CPS. Likely a boy of First Nations heritage (this simply because boys tend to be harder to find homes for than girls, and even more so for FN children, and dh shares that heritage). Anyways, our age group preferably be 3-5, perhaps as low as 18 mths (maybe!) or as high as 6. We don't plan on any more bio kids. That being said, although we have no desire to adopt or give birth to another infant, if the situation arose either my getting pregnant or a family member with an infant, we'd welcome the baby with open arms, even though its definately not something we'd deliberately do. Hopefully, that makes some sort of sense. I agree that counselling would be a huge benefit to everyone involved, and I truly hope that you're all able to manage this and come through stronger on the other side.
I weigh in on the side of counseling as well. In fact, I encourage you to go to counseling for yourself even if the others don't. Secondary infertility is a very difficult thing to deal with one, without adding this latest scenerio. A counselor can help you sort through and deal with the emotions that accompany these situations.
convextech
Life's longing for itself..
On Children
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
p. 17
The Prophet.. Khalil Gibran.
We can not control life.. our lives..
And IMO we need to grieve what we find wrong in our lives.. and then get on with it..
Jackie
And the bigger issue, why is it okay to raise this child but not at least try to help me have one of my own?
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[FONT=Georgia]My goodness, I had to reply after I read your post and saw the responses. Some were sympathetic, I guess, but not really...
I'm a birth mother of a beautiful baby girl who I placed for adoption this year. I was raped but that had nothing at all to do with my decision, i would of LOVED to keep her regardless.
Your dilema struck a chord with me because in a lot of ways, I feel like I will be in your shoes (or similar, unable to conceive) later in my life too. I imagine it will be ten years from now, and I will desperately want to have a child with my (future) husband, and not be able to.
I think you should keep up with the fertility concept and pray. Be specific, He will answer. God is the only reliable thing I have in life and I couldn't live a day now, after placing my daughter, without him.
I would then slap your husband across the face. Sorry, don't mean to be too rude, but I would! I'm angry at him for you! It's like he just said to you, his wife, that he disagrees with, well who YOU are. I mean everything you "stand for" or have done in your life is "adoption" and giving in love and receiving in love is something you were always open to. How can he say that? Did he lie when he told you earlier in life that he understood your decision to place your child (I'm assuming he agrees with you at one point) You took in his kids. Now you ask him for compromise, and he says that to you.
Maybe I am biased, and do I admit this would be one of my big fears coming true if it happened to me, but my only real advice is pray about it. I'll pray be praying for you too! Stick out the fight with him!
And as for the daughter, Id say, if she is any bit logical about it she will choose adoption. I hope she chooses it herself, because then she has no one to blame later. I just remember teenagers won't do anything a mom and dad tell them they would choose to do, if they pick it before hand. Never proclaim any one solution to be the best, and nudge her to the appropriate side. nudging is ok....cause if you don't somebody will. Just be supportive and again pray. If you told her your heart about the situation she is in and how you felt with your baby.
Yeah, I got from this post the sense of betrayal from your husband. Yet everyone else seemed to think it was about your daughter's decision. So maybe I'm totally off. I feel like you were concerned about both, equally. Maybe your husband's response to the situation just irrated me more! Good luck and God Blees you! I think you have a great position to comment on adoption! I'm proud of you too for all you have done! Thanks, B
You can tell him, I said, to take a flying leap...[/FONT]
[URL="http://thestoryofagirl.com"]The Story of A Girl - adoption from a birth mothers perspective[/URL]
"I will tell you something beautiful. We are fighting abortion by adoption - by care of the mother and adoption for her baby. We have saved thousands of lives" Mothera Teresa