Bdad's wife

IMO there is history there.. unsorted history.. Trust the journey.. maybe you will learn things.. there is always the option of the other kids.. Jackie

Curiositykitten, I do not get why people are afraid to give health history. Somehow they seem to feel that people will look down on them or talk about them or whatever that they have a disease that runs in the family. I would bet though that they are more than willing tell people when they are sick and all about it...and perhaps even that it runs in their family...but being asked give the info to someone with the same DNA but not raised in the family, that is when they get their hackles up and think they are being attacked. It makes no sense, is hard to come to terms with, and seems so incredibly mean spirited. Just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone is this strange world we live in as adoptees... Kind regards,Dickons

It may have less to do with caring about sharing medical information than it does with the acknowledgement that your are his child and the part that he played in your mother's situation years ago. His wife may want that left buried, as that may cause her insecurities because she would have to deal with the fact that her husband has a child with another woman (from his past) and that may rekindle feelings. She may be worrying that you or your mother may make demands on his time and/or finances. Anyway, just considering other possibile reasons why they wouldn't share the information. Your dad may be in some shock and need some time to process things; hopefully he will acknowledge you and give you not only what you are asking for, but also what you need and want. If not, maybe you could go to paternal grandparents?

Unfortunately I cannot ask his parents as they have both died ( I read the obituaries online). I understand that he's in shock, I don't know if he read the message or not for sure I sent him months ago. He has 5 other children, and I don't know if they're all 18 or not yet. From what I understand his behavior was pretty bad when my adoption happened. My bmom said she hasn't spoken to him in 25+ years. I can understand maybe his wife would take it as a threat in some way. The funny thing is that his myspace page says that he's single. I commented to my friend that I could have just messaged his children but I thought that if they didn't know about the adoption it might cause more problems and then in turn they'd be very opposed to giving me any medical info. Bmom says that he's 'deep down a good guy' and she thinks that he will come around, and that she will keep trying. I just don't know if it's worth it. It's really his loss.

Sorry to hear that about your grandparents. Did you bdad have any brothers or sisters who might be able to give you information on family medical? If your bmom is willing to keep trying, then I'd let it lay for a while and let her work on it.

Considering that you have had some difficulties in reunion with your bmom, I think it is a very good sign that she is trying to help you. She knew you wanted to know about your bdad, so she is stepping up to the plate and trying to talk to him herself. I can understand why you feel awkward with all this going on behind you, but since she seems intent on contacting him and thinks he will come around, then I would just let her continue. Sit back and see what happens. However, I do think it peculiar that he is "single" on myspace -- I wonder if he is living a double life. Has he been married very long? Or do you think he is getting divorced? I wouldn't contact his kids until you have exhausted all attempts to reach him. By the way, for what it's worth, I found out some things last year about the health of both my parents (both did have health issues and died relatively young), but so far none of it has been relevant to me. I'm a healthy 55 year old with 3 healthy grown children. I was totally shocked to find out that my bparents had medical problems. In a way, I'm glad I knew none of that years ago. I would have been terrified of living and having children. However, you have the right to your paternal medical history, and your bdad should provide it. Hopefully your bmom will be able to convince him.

I agree that I think it is a good sign that she was/is trying to help me. I was surprised she did it without mentioning it first. I assume she thought it would be a surprise for me. I also recently got a much nicer more honest letter from her mother, my, bgrandmother which I think helped a lot. I find it curious that he lists himself as single, maybe they're not legally married, just 'common law married'? He states that he has 5 children and from what I can figure, one is at least 22 years old. I'm not sure if this woman is the mother of his children or not. I'm not trying to be awful about this I pass through the town he lives in many times a year I could just go bang on his door if I wanted to start trouble. I'm just trying to be very respectful of his life and privacy I thought that might be something that would be appreciated. It seems maybe he hasn't changed a lot, apparently his response when my bmom was pregnant was avoidance of the situation then as well.

Curiosity, I was just wondering...why this reunion, attempt of contact is not just between you and firstdad? I see where you did not ask firstmom to interject, but for what ever reason she has. I sugeest you thank her for her help, but you will contact him from here on out. It is thoughful she is trying to help...but you have no idea what HE is being told and HE may need more time to process this. He may not have even recieved your e-mail, it may be being recieved from yet another 3rd party...does this make since? I think you should write him a letter and send it registered(and yes you can send it with HIM being the only one who can sign ). Until you speak to him and him only try not to assume too much. We all take different amounts of time to process these things. I have yet to locate my twin sons...but if and when , it will be only between me and them...no one else. When this happens and they wish info on their firstdad, I will give them this info, and THEY can do as they see fit with it. I will NOT be their go between, unless they ask me to. Reunion is so sensitive,, and overwhelming to say the least. Do not give up hope...you have come this far and I am sure you had many waits along the way. I send this with blessings and hope...:cheer:

curiositykitten My first thought when I read this was he is a liar.. and likes mystery and untruths.. May be the reason your relinquishment happened in the first place.. Its interesting my reaction.. I am down on the birthfather.. and want to be down on him.. A trigger.. Jackie

cetalley I learned this on terms of my bsons wife.. I knew I could get into it big time with her but I pulled back.. (I believe she saw the very same thing) Its between me and my bson and if he chooses to pull back so be it.. and if I choose to pull back so be it.. The emotions are vast in this.. and complications on complications just muddy the water.. Jackie

The problem is that I don't actually have his address. I don't know where my bmom got his phone number from. The house he had been living in last was sold by the state he lives in, and I have not found a new listing for him. I found an address for a person that MIGHT be his wife but I don't know if he lives there. I've also paid a search service for this and they haven't come up with anything. My bdad has a history of avoidance where responsibilities are concerned. I spoke with the lawyer that handled my adoption and he spent some time hiding from process servers when they were trying to give him court documents to sign. While it would be nice to get to know him as a person I don't really feel that's what he wants. Which is okay, the important thing to me is just having some medical background from him. I haven't talked to my bmom about her contacting him yet I'm still working on a tactful way to do that.

I agree that the contact should be between you and your bfather. Maybe you could just ask your bmother for his phone number and tell her that you would prefer to speak to him yourself. I could see why his "wife" would feel threated with his ex-lover contacting her husband. Good luck.