View of A and B families in the adoptee's heart

Dickons I fully agree. I view mine as completely separate as well. One cannot replace the other.

I think everyone has a different perspective. For me, my bdad and bbro have no emotional ties with me. I consider my 'step' brother my brother, my 'half' brothers my brothers, but not my 'full' bio brother. My 'step' dad is my dad. Good, bad, otherwise, he was the one who raised me. My bio dad wasn't a part of that, and I just don't have any emotional connection to him at all. For my dh, he has a bond with 2 of his 7 found bsibs...but that was something that was worked on, not instant. There are just sooooo many variables in reunion. Some talk of the 'instant click' others find nothing...and everything in between. I think for aparents, society has treated them as imposters for a really long time. Referring to bparents as 'real' for example...so there is vulnerabilty and insecurities. And bparents were shoved in the closet of shame. Definately an emotional bomb in so many ways.

Dickons, good question. The 2 differnt families are totally differnt entities and one of my biggest pet peeves is the insecurities some families may have twards each other. There is no "replacement "feelings at all. The differnces in the two famlies and our feelings towards them are very different. I think its great that you see yourself as a bond between the two. I think that is the ideal situation. If they can both see it that way then it serves to make OUR adoptions what they were suppose to be about in the first place....US. I guess there are many situations where one or the other families make poor choices either about themselves or about the adoption ....i.e. feeling ownership over the adoptee, or feeling more desreving of the adoptee love, as opposed to letting the adoptee figure out what right for themselves, or letting the adoptee feel whatever it is they feel without judgement that it causes nothing but stress and discomfort for the person adopted. In thinking about the replacement factor...how can that even be..Our aparents brought us up, had us when we were seeing the world through childs eyes that childhood can never be replaced. Its done, its over..that alone makes our aparents"unique". The fact that we got our physical being from our bfamily, our inherent traits, our eye color, hair color ect is unique to our bfamilies and that can never be replaced by anyone. So are you compartmentalizing? No, I don't think so, I see it as you seeing what reality is.

Great way to describe it. Thank you for articulating it.

Thanks guys, Now I feel normal again and not crazy...To me they have always been unique to the other. Kind regards,Dickons

Thanks for all the inbut put. We are interested in adopting a sibling group of kids 11 or under. I know we can't fix what has happened in the past but we would like to make there future a bit more hopeful for the kids. We have kids so they won't let us go over our oldest age of 11. I have a few questions if anyone could answer for me to help me and give me insite on what goes through the kids heads. How do they feel about their a-parents? Are we actually considered parents, mom and dad or how do they relate or feel about us? how do they relate to our bio kids? were you intermixed by ages? were any of you transracial adopted and how was that? how can we help them with the past healings, hurts or other issues? we so much want to make it better for the kids but we would like the kids point of view on things.... anyone?

I can't answer very many of your questions but here goes with what I can... Your question: How do they feel about their a-parents? Are we actually considered parents, mom and dad or how do they relate or feel about us?My answer: My adopted parents are my parents...they are the best. I love them with all my heart and they have always been and will always be mom and dad. Your Question: how can we help them with the past healings, hurts or other issues? My answer: Tell them it is okay to be sad, that they can talk to you and you will listen and try to help them. Give them space and be open and honest, what they feel for their birth family is completely different and does not and will not compete with how they feel about you, you are unique. The other questions I cannot answer as I was adopted at birth and raised with other non biological siblings who were also adopted at birth. Note that I did not feel the same bond with my siblings that I feel towards my mom and dad (adopted). Good luck, just remember to allow them to grieve for what they have lost, regardless if their birth family is still alive or they had a traumatic life, they have to be allowed to grieve. Kind regards,Dickons

I think it depends on many variables. I didn't click with mt bfather's other daughter, although I like her. I clicked 100% with my bmother's older son and have a good relationship with her younger son. Most adoptive family members have met the older son and, in their low key way, consider him to be part of the family. This is due, mostly, to how we were raised. Anyone in the house was viewed as extended family and another place was simply set at the table. At first I felt like I stood where two separate circles met, part of both although they were distinct. Now, there is lots of overlap and we have settled into a larger, mixed family.