Adoptee Seeking Advice

((hugs))) I wish I could give you answers.

To bad there wasn't a way to obtain your own lawyer and let your bios know that it is not the contact you want but the information that only they can give, just by the mere fact that they created and birthed you. Too bad that you could not tell them that they areally are not all that great that you want a mother or father but want the biological, medical, andancestoral information that your full bio have and you desrve. You are not a stalker, you are not a bad person for wanting to know that very inportant oinformation for the sakes of yourselve and your children. I really wish peole would get that and not just assume we were some needy freaks begging for information from the holier then tho birthparents!

Dear Jay, I'm with Agathaj. I wish I had answers for you. In a better world, birth parents and adoptees who want to find and know each others would be paired together, and those who wanted nothing to do with the other would also be paired! I have never understood birth parents who don't wish know the children they gave birth to. But that's me... my problem was that I couldn't make sure that D had the info he needed. I simply am blessed that my birthson has been open to a relationship with me. I pray that your family will change their minds.

I am incredibly sad this has happened to you, especially this time of year. The only thing I can think of is that they never told their other children and now are to afraid to do so. I would write a letter to the attorney and state your case for obtaining an up to date, complete 3 generation health history from both parents. They do not need to specify who each person is other than the relationship to you. Medical history is very very important especially as you have children. Medical history is not static, it evolves over time and that is why the medical community urges people to document and update theirs yearly through family gatherings. Many hereditary diseases do not present until middle to senior age. Google for articles on health history and the need for it, find valid sites like the CDC or other government agencies and include their statements/articles in your letter to the attorney. This information may make a difference to you or your children, it would have made a big difference to my entire future if I had had mine...before my events. Take care and visit her often. Kind regards,Dickons

I am sorry to hear of your experience. I imagine you are truly at a loss for any logical explanation that would explain their behaviors. Medical: I found my biological parents 14 years ago. I have asked individuals from both sides of my bio family about the family medical history and they do not have a clue. The medical information is of importance because like you, I have children. As far as contacting the attorney to get the medical information, I don't know. I would check to see if your contact with the attorney requesting medical information would fall under the umbrella of "stalking." If not, then I would go for it. Regarding the letter delivered to your home: My biological father will not introduce me to my three half brothers. They are in their mid to late 20's. He hasn't even told his wife that I found him (14 yrs now!). As for my bio mother, she is an addict and alcoholic. I have not had contact with her since my second son was born. I have wanted to meet my half brothers for a long time. However, over the last 14 years, my bio-dad will say, "Now is not a good time." I think to myself, "Not a good time for whom?" Me? Them? Ahhh, no it is not a good time for him (bio-dad). How would he explain the situation to his sons? How would he tell his wife that I found him 14 yrs. ago? I've missed out on getting to know my brothers because of poor decisions he (bio-dad) has made throughout his life. He does not want one more thing to come out of the wood work. I don't feel that it is fair that I need to be "hidden" because of decisions he has made that have nothing to do with me. The poor choices he has made throughout the years are on him and have nothing to do with me. I have to surrender to the fact that I may be of my bio parents flesh and blood; however, I cannot make them want to be an active and healthy participant on any level in my life. I guess what I am trying to say is that for me, I know I am powerless over people, places and things. So for the here and now, I am powerless over my bio-family and the choices they make. Do I think their choices are selfish and self-centered. Yes, I sure do. They are only thinking of themselves and what consequences they would endure if they told the truth or took responsibility for their actions. The truth for my bio-mother is that she is an addict and won't accept help. The truth for my bio-dad is he should be able to be an honest human being and tell his family the truth about me regardless of how it affects him. I don't know how he lives with himself with keeping me a secret from his family. It is not nice that your bio parents sent you that letter. That is awful and insensitive. My heart goes out to you. What helped me out a lot was that I allowed myself to grieve the rejection as well as the loss of what could have been. Like you, I was not looking for a replacement family. My Mom, Dad and siblings are my family. They are the ones who have taken care of me and who are here for me today. It would have been nice to have a relationship of some sort with the people who created me in the back of a Ford Falcon in a church parking lot!! Gotta find humor in it somewhere! I have to remind myself that things in life are not always directly about me. It is my thought that, people engage in hurtful, selfish and self-centered behaviors because of their own fears or inadequacies. My thought is that the letter you received has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Rather, the letter may represent a part of their lives that is laden with guilt, remorse, sadness and perhaps fear because your siblings do not know. My thought is that by putting stuff about the law in the letter, it will keep you from contacting them; therefore, their secret can remain. I am sorry to you for what you have gone through and are going through. It has to be extremely painful and confusing. Love your children and have peace in knowing they will never have to feel as you do now. Take care - Julianne

OP, I'm really sorry that your bio family is so cold! It floors me the way that some of us are treated for the sake of their own insecurities and fears. It's so ridiculous! I can't imagine treated a birth child that way even after 30+ years of relinquishing. HUGS to you! Julianne - If you really want contact with your brothers, what is stopping you? Your bdad really can't stop you since they are all adults. Are you afraid of him cutting off contact completely? He is clearly afraid that telling his wife will somehow disrupt the life they have. 14 years is a very, very long time. Chances are she would not freak out like he assumes anyway. I say you have waited long enough and if you want to know them, contact them directly. Someday soon I will take my own advice because I doubt that my bmom has told her husband and I am certainly not prepared to wait years to find out if my siblings want a relationsip with me. I am going to give her a few more months though and see if she makes any progress.

This just sucks. I can't believe that anyone could reject their own child, relinquished or not. Especially in the way that they did so. They could have at the very least had the decency to tell you themselves rather than getting an attorney involved. What the heck kind of world is this where adults are not privy to their own files, to know their own heritage, medical history and it is now considered stalking to try and contact your own parents?! What is this world coming to? It seems as if we were adopted, we have no rights. I know the lineage and geneteic medical information on my dog for Pete's sake, yet I am not "allowed" by the goverment to access my own. That is complete BS any way you slice it. I am really sorry. Like someone else here said so nicely, try to focus on your own children and find peace in knowing that they will never have to go through the crap that you are. I guess you at least know who your parents are; that's something. It just stinks that they won't at least provide you with a health history.

Thank you for your feedback. Yep, I feel that I should not have to ask permission to meet my brothers. It is rather pathetic. I guess I have accepted that those are his wishes and so be it. I have four brothers and one sister that are my siblings whom I love and they love me back. I am grateful and blessed to have them in my life. I am not one to "fold"; however, I need to pick my battles. I am a Special Education Teacher and a single mom and for now, that is enough. I don't need the bio-dads chaos in my life at this time. Thank you for your support!! :) Happy New Year!

Dear Jay, I would have a lawyer draft your reply to their lawyer, stating that you want only the three generation medical history. In exchange you agree not to contact either parent directly (through writing, phone, in person of through an intermediary). You also waive any rights you have or may have on any part of their estate. You do not ask to be included in their will or have any expectations of inheritance. The lawyer can phrase that part in "legalese". That way they can be sure you won't ask for child support or something.Make sure you specify "not contact parent" so that if you choose you can contact bio-siblings at a later time.Once your sibs are adults, the parents cannot legally prevent your contact.My guess is they are deathly afraid of having to explain to the younger kids. Yes, we fell in love and had a baby but we weren't married yet so we "gave it away and never told anyone". They we had a big wedding and it was okay for us to have you and keep you. Even a not-so-bright kid would see the holes in that logic!

Jay, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Since it is obvious that you aren't a secret from the spouses, the only thing I can read is they are worried about money and you contacting your full siblings. Also, since at least bmom was originally in favor of some contact, her mind was changed by someone. Maybe someone they know has had a horrible experience with a reunion. Who knows - this is a terrifying experience for most people. Surely there is something in Michigan that can require them to give you complete medical information. I would definitely look into it before signing away any rights (who knows, you might need a kidney some day). Good luck - and try to remember it isn't personal. They don't know you - the fact of you has caused the fear. It is their loss. Peace. Jill

As a birthmom, my heart aches for all of you who have birthparents who don't want a relationship. I can't imagine not wanting a relationship with D. Of course, he has never been a secret (I didn't proclaim it from the mountain tops but I didn't hide it, either). D's half-siblings on my side were present at our first f2f; they have built their own relationships with him. As Agatha says, I have no answers as to why your birth parents are as they are. As Jill said, it is their lack, not anything that is wrong with you. Julianne, D's bdad is dead; he has one half-brother (both his brothers are named John, btw). J2 has declined to get to know him at this point in his life (He's in his 20's, has a half-brother living with him as well as a wife and young child.) I guess what I'm saying is your siblings may greet you with open arms or decline to meet you. I hope for all of you who seek to know your birthfamilies that they may discover what they are missing by refusing!

bLESSINGS TO YOU, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE. I WILL TRY TO POST MORE TOMORROW...

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]I'm sorry to hear your bparents will not take the time and consideration to put together medical history for you.

As a bmom who would give anything to meet my child, I cannot imagine not offering that to my child. I had an updated medical history ready and waiting and when I first heard from my bson's Mom, I had that info in an email to her, for him, within a days time.

If you can afford it, I would contact a lawyer where you live and have him/her find out exactly what the laws are in Michigan in regards to "stalking" when trying to get medical info - just because you received a letter from an attorney stating such - does not mean that it true - attorney's will write "nice" "threatening" letters at times in hopes of stopping a situation - doesn't mean it's true.

Most attorney's offer a free consultation - you could get with an adoption attorney in your area, find out how much it would cost for him/her to follow thru on this for you - at least advise you of the laws and where you stand.

I dont agree with telling their attorney that you will never contact them in exchange for info, what if you do that and they don't give info then that closes out attempting to contact them down the road if you chose to try again.

I disagree with the attorney (and if it is really a law, then disagree with michigan state) that requesting medical information is stalking - I think all adoptees have a right to at least updated medical information if they are able to find their bparent(s) - doesn't mean the bparent has to agree to contact - just take a few hours out of their life to put together information that could help you and/or your children down the road.

Problem is that years ago, bparents were told to move on, forget our children that we placed, we would never know who our children were - well sadly, some chose to take that advise and did forget, or at least filed it away in a corner of their mind and closed that door.

Now many years later, their lives have moved on , they may not have told anyone about that child and can't figure out how to do so now, so they just shut the child out again - very sad.

I wish you much luck in getting your medical information[/FONT]

:mad: Jay, I started to post the other evening ...but was to angry to do so. I will 1st say, I am sorry on behalf of all assanign(sp?), Firstmoms/dads. This is so wrong on many levels! Please know THIS (whatever this is...is not about you! I know it is not, trust me. As others have said, we sometimes hide the guilt so long we believe it no longer exist. There are so many feelings and issues we carry for many years, and after awhile, we feel there is NO going back to rectify. Please know I am not condoning , quite the opposite. You have all rights, the rest of the human population has...to know our heritage, family, and most definately medical info. Please call an atty. and ask what definition of stalking is...I am sure it is not what this atty has accused you of. Regardless, contact your sibs, aunts, uncles...anyone whom you wish to know. I am sick of reading over and over the hurt some people will put their children through. You DO count! Just know that you should be prepared for what ever will follow, and expect nothing you are not willing to give,i.e.-compassion, sincerity, honesty, and respect. Do this JAY and you will be fine. Find what it is your heart seeks...Blessings...A sad FIRSTMOM, whom has yet to find her twin sons!:hissy: