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I am one of those adoptive moms who believes that the entire triad needs to feel empowered and be satisfied. I just had a devestating experience after finding my twelve year old daughter's birthmom, a wonderful young lady a met 12 1/2 years ago, before she decided to bless us with the most wonderful child in the world. I think of her every day. I see her in my daughter's big brown eyes and I think of her all the time. To save time, I'll say that we started with an open adoption, but we lost touch. One day I called her and her number was no longer in service. Ok, here I go.
I promised my precious daughter that she would know her birthmother and not feel incomplete, as most adoptees feel. She saw her until she was two, which was when hub and I could no longer find her, but we thought it was because he life was in turmoil then. She does not live far away.
When my daughter turned 12, she started becoming sad about her birthmother and wanting to know her and see her. I promised her she would. It never crossed my mind that our lack of contact was anything other than accidental because B. had always acted as if she wanted an open adoption. The short version: I found her. My sister called for me and got her husband. She was just walking in the door. Hub didn't recognize my name, and told her that P's sister is on the phone. He had no idea it was adoption related. After that, he quickly told my sister that he had her number and that B. would call back if she wanted to. We didn't hear from her last night. Will it take her more time? What do you think is happening? Any thoughts? My daughter will search one day, but I hate that this torments her NOW. I'm not going to tell her, she will go into a tailspin.
Can you kind ladies please shed some light on what may be going through her mind? I noticed that she was hard to find--nothing on the internet, unlisted number. Her family didn't want her to keep N. because she is part African-American, but SHE was NOTHING like that. She has at least one other child that I met (a real cutie). He was two at the time, but he must remember. My older son remembers him.
N. is going to search anyway when she is old enough, and I'll be right at her side. But I'm so sad for her right now. She wrote her a "Dear Birthmother" letter where she says she needs to feel complete. She didn't want me to send it and I don't want to force the issue now, since her b-mom may not be interested in seeing her.
Good ladies, please shed some light. I am so puzzled.
Thank you all in advance.
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There are so many reasons why a birthmother would cut off contact. It may be that it just was too painful for her.
Since it's been quite a number of years she may need some time to process things before she gets back to you.
I guess this is hard for me because I SO would have LOVED an open adoption but 24 years ago it wasn't an option for me, not sure my son's mom would have allowed it either (she's not so happy about us being in reunion).
I'm going to jump out on a limb here. I'm wondering if it might be ok for your daughter to send the letter. I'm just thinking maybe it would help her to understand that her birth daughter needs and wants her in her life.
Of course on the other hand, if the birthmother isn't able to deal with contact it could be really rough on your daughter.
Ack it's hard!
I hope she calls back and solves the problem.
I wish you all the best though and please let us know what you decide and how things go...
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I don't know why your daughter's birthmom did not want to talk or hasn't yet responded. Maybe she felt put on the spot as she was just walking through the door and was not expecting this call. Maybe after 10 years, she has set up her life a certain way and has gotten used to it, and now this is shaking things up for her. It is possible she has not told her husband about having a child she placed for adoption. She could have a lot of painful emotions which caused her to shut down over the years and cannot now just open up on a timetable that is not her own.
I'm wondering how she was before the adoption closed and why it closed? Was any contact or reconciliation attempted? Did she just cut it all off with no explanation? Were other attempts made to see what was going on with her at the time?? Also, was your adoption handled through an agency? Perhaps full-on open will be too much for her right now, but she would consider a semi-open. Can you write a letter explaining to her that you've always loved and cared about her, and your daughter is struggling right now and would really benefit from some form of contact? You can include some updated photos as well and request an updated medical history. If nothing else, at least this will be in her file and she can access it later if she is not willing to now.
I'm sorry your daughter's birthmom has not been able to keep up her open arrangement with you and your daughter. Open adoption was not an option for me at the time, and truth be told, I don't know that I would have been emotionally mature enough to handle one, but in retrospect, I think it would have been something really beneficial for both me and my son and ideally would have loved for the option to be there and to have his parents be as open and committed to this type of arrangment as you are. I think if it was available, they would be this way (we had semi-open), but times were so different back then and we just didn't have the openness that is possible today. It really is a wonderful thing, and a blessing, and I hope your daughter's birthmom will at some point be able to resume the contact with you.
Love, I'm wondering if people in her life do not know. Even though she had a 2 yo son, he would not necessarily "remember" having a sibling. My DD's older sis was 2.5 when she was born and my DD's birth parents have not told her (or her much younger sister) who DD is. (The pg/adoption were also kept "secret" from their families). Just a guess on my part. Hang in there!! She may just need a little time. And if she truly does not want to get involved, as Denise said, you know you tried and you can hopefully explain to your DD that it has nothing to do with her. Good luck.
That's such a hard thing. I'm both adopted and a first mom. I have an open adoption with my son, I contacted my first mom four years ago when he was born and she chose not to have contact with me.
It's tough for me because I choose to put my heart out there for my kid. It isn't easy seeing him. I have to make myself write letters and things. Sometimes it I think it would be easier to walk away.... BUT I know in my heart that my son needs to know me, so I stay in touch.
Now, my first mom..... My first mom has her own pain, my first mom isn't me and doesn't know what it is like to be interested in where you came from and not have those answers. My first mom kept me a secret, most of her family and her husband's family didn't know. No, I'm not the product of an affair, but my first dad passed on while she was pregnant with me. I have five older siblings and none of them knew about me either.
I'm not making excuses, and who knows what she is thinking? She may think she isn't good enough, she may have convinced herself that your collective DD doesn't need her. She may not be able to handle contact.
I hope she comes around. Just love your daughter and let her know that you will always be there no matter what.
I'm an adult adoptee and my bmom doesn't want contact. She didn't say why but I have a feeling it is because her husband was never told which means the majority of her family and friends don't know either. Maybe your daughter is a secret and her family has shamed her into thinking she needs to keep her a secret. Especially since you mentioned she is bi-racial or multi-racial. They obviously had a big problem with that and that has no doubt affected her deeply. Or she may also feel like she has no right since it's been 10 years since you had contact. She feels unfit, guilty and terrible that so much time has gone by.
All of this speculation of course. All you can really do is keep telling your daughter that this has NOTHING to do with her or how wonderful she is or how good she is. This is because her bmom is in a great deal of pain and it may hurt her to have contact right now. Sometimes the pain overwhelms the desire to have contact. That is what I keep telling myself and I actually believe it now.
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Dear "LMK94", Hi. I'm Janey.
I thought I'd share something that happened with my eldest daughter in the hopes that it might be of some help to you.
When my eldest was a year old her bdad walked out on us. I don't hold any grudge against him. We were both very young (he was younger than I) and he simply didn't have what it took emotionally or financially to care for our daughter (heck, I barely did).
Over the years my daughter would ask why her dad had left; why he had abandoned her and why he didn't love her.
I always told her that even though I could understand how she might feel that way, that his decision to leave had nothing to do with her; that he loved her but that he was young and scared and probably didn't think that he was good enough to be her dad.
I told her that when she was 18 that if she wanted I would help her look for him so that they could reconnect. (There were reasons for this stipulation of waiting that I won't go into out of respect for my daughter and her dad.)
Anyway...after she graduated she and her dad met up quite by accident. The first thing he asked her was "what did your mom tell you about me?". She repeated what I'd always said and he broke down. So did she. Apparently from what she tells me it was a very emotional moment for them both (which I can only imagine).
Anyway....they have gone through a....well...a reunion of sorts I guess you could say. In fact, that's probably exactly what it's been for them. And they are now good friends and have a respectful father/daughter relationship. She also got two more sisters out of the deal so that was an extra special gift for her!!!
I just wanted you to know that sometimes -though it seems to take years to happen - people can reconnect.
I don't know if that brings you any peace but I wanted to say that IMO you're doing right by your daughter in the messages you send her about her bmom.
Wishing you peace today,
I am one of those adoptive moms who believes that the entire triad needs to feel empowered and be satisfied.
Hi there, and thanks to all.
We had a lawyer do the adoption, but firstmom picked us. We knew her well before she gave birth and she let us be there for the delivery. The adoption closed when she broke up with her fiance (not our daughter's birthfather). She had wanted N. to be the flower girl in her wedding, and we were great with that, but then she never called back. When we tried to reach her we got an unlisted number. N. is bi-racial. Her family was extremely prejudice, which is why she relinquished her--nobody in her family would help her, and she already had a son who was well loved in the family (this is going to really hurt my daughter, but that can be dealt with later). It took me a long time to find N's birthmother, but I'm pretty sure her hub knows about N. I do think Z. probably remembers. My older son remembers Z. clearly. In fact, I believe, for many reasons, that she has married Z's birthfather and he would then know for sure because he always saw Z. and saw him while firstmom was going through the entire adoption thing. They were always good friends even after they broke up. I think maybe it's just the shock and I'll wait and see what she does. She can get in touch with me now. If not, N. will pay her a visit, like it or not, when she turns eighteen. N. is a feisty girl...lol. And I'll be at her side if she needs me. I kind of hope she contacts me now though. I have tons of things to tell her, lots of pictures, and, most of all, I want her to know that "our" daughter is wonderful and that she is so loved and that her dad thinks she hung the moon and that, yes, we love her enough to die for her. And that she has her firstmom's eyes and bubbly personality and that she sleeps with her eyes open, just like firstmom. And that we love firstmom because she is a part of N. that we see and live with every day. Ah, well. Any other thoughts are welcome and you are all great people. Thank you so much!
Hi there, and thanks to all.
We had a lawyer do the adoption, but firstmom picked us. We knew her well before she gave birth and she let us be there for the delivery. The adoption closed when she broke up with her fiance (not our daughter's birthfather). She had wanted N. to be the flower girl in her wedding, and we were great with that, but then she never called back. When we tried to reach her we got an unlisted number. N. is bi-racial. Her family was extremely prejudice, which is why she relinquished her--nobody in her family would help her, and she already had a son Z. who was well loved in the family (this is going to really hurt my daughter, but that can be dealt with later). It took me a long time to find N's birthmother, but I'm pretty sure her hub knows about N. I do think Z. probably remembers. My older son remembers Z. clearly. In fact, I believe, for many reasons, that she has married Z's birthfather and he would then know for sure because he always saw Z. and saw him while firstmom was going through the entire adoption thing. They were always good friends even after they broke up. I think maybe it's just the shock and I'll wait and see what she does. She can get in touch with me now. If not, N. will pay her a visit, like it or not, when she turns eighteen. N. is a feisty girl...lol. And I'll be at her side if she needs me. I kind of hope firstmom contacts me now though. I have tons of things to tell her, lots of pictures, and, most of all, I want her to know that "our" daughter is wonderful and that she is so loved and that her dad thinks she hung the moon and that, yes, we love her enough to die for her. And that she has her firstmom's eyes and bubbly personality and that she sleeps with her eyes open, just like firstmom. And that we love firstmom because she is a part of N. that we see and live with every day. Ah, well. Any other thoughts are welcome and you are all great people. Thank you so much!
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Made me cry too . . . .i totally related to seeing birthmom in my little girl . . .i helped raise birthmom, was at the birth and our daughter looks so much like her . . she too dissapeared 3 years ago and we attempted to stay in touch but now she has moved far away and wants nothing to do with us. I would say "pain" is the reason and until she works it out, we probably will not hear from her again. It's sad because we loved birthmom very much. Her daddy misses her.
Hey everybody,
LoveMyKids94 Hey there! :thankyou: My replies to your post are going to seem vague. Please forgive me for that. There is a reason which I can't go into but I want to help you if I possibly can.
Is it possible that your daughter's birthmom is trying to protect "N" from bmom's family? Please understand, I'm not attempting to turn birthmom into a saint or some kind of heroine, you have my solemn word that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm just putting that out there.
I am going back through your original post and discerning from it that you knew the birthmom for 6 months before "N" was born. Is that correct? If so, it might be prudent for you to try and learn more about birthmom's family for the sake of your daughter "N".
Speaking again in vague terms, it may seem that the world has changed but there are still people in it who hold malice against people who aren't "like them".
I hope that made sense. Keep us posted and hugs to you!!!
:thankyou:
N. is bi-racial. Her family was extremely prejudice, which is why she relinquished her--nobody in her family would help her,
I'm sorry but I just cannot relate at all to any birthmom who would not want a relationship with their relinquished child. I'm a birthmom, first-mom, whatever, and even though I did not tell my children of their brother, and nobody spoke of him, all of that just didn't matter one bit to me once he found me. Did I go out and look for him? No, mainly because adoption lawyer told me to never try to contact him and I took that to mean I should never do so. Regardless, there was not one day I ached for him, not one day I missed him, not one birthday of his that went by that I wondered what he was doing. I just don't understand not wanting the contact. I always felt that one day we would be reunited, and I kind of thought maybe he would just come knocking at my door one day. He called me at work, for goodness, sakes! I did not wake up that day thinking, today is the day my son will call me. It was just a normal day, and when he called I thought he was trying to sell me something! But never ever ever would I have acted like he was not my son, or turned my back on him-HE IS MY SON! I know this may not be the most politically correct thing to say here, but I just feel like as a birthmother you need to be open to the reunion process, regardless of what is going on in your life, don't you at least owe it to your kid to meet them, and try to build some sort of relationship with them?
At least your daughter is still young, maybe her birthmother will rethink things and contact you. I just don't know how you could deny your child contact with you. If my son would have contacted me, or if his amom would have, I would have been thrilled no matter what.
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Trust me, as a bi-racial adoptee with two caucasian parents who has had no contact (closed adoption) with her birthmother, I have had no problems with feeling unwanted or abandoned.
Not all adopted kids mind not knowing. I was recently contacted by my birthmother and had not really thought about it until then. I consider myself a productive member of society and am a very well adjusted adult.
It isn't that birth parents aren't important, it's just that sometimes people are content - your daughter may be one of them :)
I am a birthparent and all I can say is it isn't always that simple! I am not sure how old the birth mom you are speaking of is but I am now 41 and my daughter I placed is now 23, she just found me mothersday weekend 2010. I couldn't be happier! However I look back on my life and I can honestly say if this would have happened in my late 20 and early 30's I might not have felt the same. My life was still a mess then and I wouldn't have wanted her to see that! As much as I have thought about her and wanted to meet her my biggest fear after finding out she had a good life is her thinking I am still a failure in my life! Please give it time and remember she loved her child enough to give it a good life, not just a life! Your child will be better off believing in a happy ending that you are helping form verses the reality that everyones life is not very happy! When she is older she will be able to except the facts for what they are, and who knows by then it may have that happy ending!
Good luck
LoveMyKids94
I am one of those adoptive moms who believes that the entire triad needs to feel empowered and be satisfied. I just had a devestating experience after finding my twelve year old daughter's birthmom, a wonderful young lady a met 12 1/2 years ago, before she decided to bless us with the most wonderful child in the world. I think of her every day. I see her in my daughter's big brown eyes and I think of her all the time. To save time, I'll say that we started with an open adoption, but we lost touch. One day I called her and her number was no longer in service. Ok, here I go.
I promised my precious daughter that she would know her birthmother and not feel incomplete, as most adoptees feel. She saw her until she was two, which was when hub and I could no longer find her, but we thought it was because he life was in turmoil then. She does not live far away.
When my daughter turned 12, she started becoming sad about her birthmother and wanting to know her and see her. I promised her she would. It never crossed my mind that our lack of contact was anything other than accidental because B. had always acted as if she wanted an open adoption. The short version: I found her. My sister called for me and got her husband. She was just walking in the door. Hub didn't recognize my name, and told her that P's sister is on the phone. He had no idea it was adoption related. After that, he quickly told my sister that he had her number and that B. would call back if she wanted to. We didn't hear from her last night. Will it take her more time? What do you think is happening? Any thoughts? My daughter will search one day, but I hate that this torments her NOW. I'm not going to tell her, she will go into a tailspin.
Can you kind ladies please shed some light on what may be going through her mind? I noticed that she was hard to find--nothing on the internet, unlisted number. Her family didn't want her to keep N. because she is part African-American, but SHE was NOTHING like that. She has at least one other child that I met (a real cutie). He was two at the time, but he must remember. My older son remembers him.
N. is going to search anyway when she is old enough, and I'll be right at her side. But I'm so sad for her right now. She wrote her a "Dear Birthmother" letter where she says she needs to feel complete. She didn't want me to send it and I don't want to force the issue now, since her b-mom may not be interested in seeing her.
Good ladies, please shed some light. I am so puzzled.
Thank you all in advance.