How Do We Let Go of the Pain?

Hi rosed6914! My mom is 56. She is a very private person and does not discuss anything of importance. I've never been able to understand why she is so distant. It is who she is. I have accepted that. I do know that her mom is the same. I think that you are correct that she was raised to be silent & to just suck it up. As I am typing this I realize why I've been silent all of these years.... You have really helped me understand this a bit... thanks again I REALLY appreciate your perspective! :)

Hey Raven or Janey…. This thread has me thinking about finding some kind of support group locally. Any ideas of where to start looking? I’m not sure if I’m ready yet, but I would like to start preparing myself. I’ve never been to anything like this before….. but I am realizing that it may help. The thought of talking to strangers scares me to death, however talking is what I need and I think dh would probably like a break lol. ;) If it’s not ok to post info here, please send me a pm… I’d really appreciate it if you could point me in the right direction!

Maggie - If you send me a PM with what town or city you live in, I can run a search for you for a triad support group. I think "in real life" support groups are a god-send personally. :loveyou:

I cry throughout the month of February, and have every year since I gave up my daughter. Going on 28 years now and still have not dryed it up. It is something I will always regret but still say that it was my most unselfish act of Love. The only thing that helps is that I know she is happy and has had a good life, one that has no room for me in it, all I can do is pray that one day she will want to meet me and get to know me, until then, I cry.

Wdbtaylor - First of all, welcome to the forums! I'm glad you've decided to join us. You'll meet many great people from all three sides of the adoption triad here...birthmoms, amoms, and adoptees. We're glad to have you with us. I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain right now. It sounds like you have an anniversary reaction every year around the time your daughter was born. It's a good thing, though, that you can cry. I struggle with that for some reason...I have trouble crying. The tears will spring up, and my throat chokes up, but I can't seem to be able to let the tears flow. I hope you stick around. Keep posting...there's usually someone hanging around here, no matter what time of day or night. We may not have all the answers, but I promise you we'll listen. :loveyou:

30 yrs on, 12yrs in reunion I still am grieving. Cant see how i will ever stop...the body has a pretty vivid memory. Susie

Thank you, I usually do really well throughout the year, your right, it's the anniversary that gets me, the first 10 years, I drowned myself in drugs. I have 18 years clean and sober. I have gone on to start my own company and now I am a workaholic, which is diffinately better than the drugs. I am also an adoptive parent. I could not have any more children after I let mine go. We adopted my husbands great niece, she has healed my heart in ways I never thought would be possible. She means everything to me and is a great person, she's 17 now and we have had her since she was 5, she is crazy about the Marines and plans on joining this June. But Annie (birthchild) is always in my heart. I found her several years ago and made contact and it did not go well. She knows I'm here and I am still waiting. Again, Thanks for the kind words, they really helped.

wdbtaylor, I hope you can find lots of support here as you go through this month, in particular. I'm sorry you are grieving so and wish I knew of some way or could say something to make it better.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]It's been over 30 years since I lost my son, somedays I think the pain, anger, hurt are stronger than they were 30 years ago - back then I was numb, alcohol and drugs were my friend for the first year, I don't remember much at all about the first 7 or 8 months after he was born, the months just disappeared. No one to talk to about how sad and lonely I was, how much I missed my baby; I felt like he died - I went in the hospital pregnant and came out EMPTY.

I'd stare at babies in strollers wondering if it was my baby, if I saw someone his age in the paper had died, I wondered if it was him.

I wondered if he was happy, was he loved and well cared for, as he got older I wondered if he wondered about me like I wondered about him - I still wonder if he wonders like I do.

I wonder if the hurt will ever go away, if I'll ever be able to forgive those who betrayed me, if the anger will ever go away.

I wonder if I'll ever get to see and hold my son for the first time like I should have been able to do over 30 years ago; AND if I do, will he believe me when I tell him how much I love him or will he ask me if I loved him so much, why did I not keep him with me. How will I tell him that his father walked out, moved, no forwarding address, his father's family wouldnt take calls for him, how my family didnt love me enough to be there for me, how I didnt want to have to live on the streets with my baby because I couldnt afford to support us - How do you tell your child that :( [/FONT]

Ive really been thinking about this thread a lot lately and HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAIN. Something IҒve recently learned is that I just have to face it HEAD ON! I have to stop hiding from it. I have been silent for so long and burying many issues that TALKING things through has done wonders for me. Believe me, it hasnt been easy and it has been very painful. It has been a humongous step for me to open up & to trust! But, I need to for me. It is past time҅. For me, it helped tremendously to have a good friend listen to me when I was so vulnerable. I couldn't get through this without some help! Do you think that it is possible to completely let go of it? Will it ever be gone? I am finding that in facing my issues, more are surfacing. Is there an end? Sometimes I feel as if I am treading water and not getting anywhere! lol :woohoo:

So many new issues came up for me as I started the roller coaster ride of reunion. I don't know for sure if there is an end! But I guess I feel like I have more of an understanding of myself and that is helping me to deal with things better. I think you are getting somewhere though! And that's great.

Maggie, you've answered your own question. The only way we can get to the other side of the pain is to let ourselves feel it first. So many of us, especially from the "closed era," learned to bury our pain and grief deep within ourselves. I know for years that I refused to even acknowlege it, although my loved ones could plainly see the negative effects it was having on me. I didn't start to get better until I admitted to myself that the pain and grief existed, and then let myself feel the emotions. It was very frightening when all the emotions and memories started surfacing. We all process pain in our own ways, I think. Some of us like to write in journals, do imagery exercises, meditate, read, interact with other birthmoms going through the same thing, post on forums, etc. When I was going through the deepest part of the pain, I threw myself into my painting and my music. I've thought about this question for a long time, Maggie. No, I don't think the pain ever totally goes away, not really. But the pain's intensity decreases dramatically, as long as you've taken active steps to deal with it, like talking it out with others who care. For myself, the deep, chronic pain is mostly gone. I still have occasional twinges of pain, usually around my son's birthday or on the anniversary of his father's death. Sometimes I have to take a break from the forums and all adoption-related issues. This is because sometimes I start feeling a lot of pain just from seeing the pain other people are struggling with. Normally I can handle it, but there have been a couple times I've needed to back off, especially when I find myself becoming short-tempered at home in real life. Pain and anger always get so tangled up for me... I was talking to a friend earlier today about this subject. And I found myself telling her how for many years following the reunion with my son, the pain pretty much disappeared. For two years before we met (19 years ago next month), I spent a lot of time in therapy, reading books, writing in my journal, attending 12-Step meetings, and going to triad support groups. When we were first developing our relationship, I stayed in counseling for about a year...I was very fortunate to have a good therapist. The pain came back a couple years ago when my son and I had a major misunderstanding and miscommunication that threatened our relationship. And that's when I joined the forums here. I had to essentially go back in my mind and rework a lot of the issues I had tackled so many years ago. My son and I were able to resolve our conflict, and the pain and anger mostly disappeared once again. But by then, I had made a bunch of friends here on the forum, and I decided to stay on. I like being here for the women who surrendered during the closed era when they finally decide to come out of hiding. I believe that by sharing my experience, strength, and hope with other women, all the pain I've gone through in the past won't be in vain.

Raven ~ I know exactly what you mean about acknowledgement!!!! For years, I thought I was just fine! Then one day, out of the blue, my daughter contacted me (which was the BEST day of my life!!!!:cheer: ) and BAM! EVERYTHING just surfaced….. I really had no idea just how much garbage I had to bury just to survive. It was, and still is, very scary. It completely overwhelms me sometimes. Finally acknowledging the pain & anger has allowed me to really deal with it. I don’t like feeling it…. I really wish there was another way. I get to where I feel like I am drowning and I don’t know which way is up! Does that make sense? I just want the pain to stop, maybe just long enough to catch my breath. That would be nice! :eyebrows: It is very tempting sometimes to just stuff it back down and make it all go away.... I was REALLY hoping you’d tell me that SOON, all of the pain would just disappear forever! :arrow: I guess I can dream!!! LOL It is just so darn frustrating for me that when I finally do have a “break through” and work through one issue, BAM another one surfaces. It seems to be never-ending. Hopefully, someday, I will finally deal with every one of these darn issues! Raven, I am so glad that you are here….. you are an inspiration to bmoms. I strive to be as strong as you! I can’t tell you how much you have helped me cope!!!! Thank you! :loveyou:

Hey Maggie! I apologize for not writing sooner. Thought I'd stop by and say "hey" :-) I was thinking as I read this of a scene from one of my favorite movies Castaway. It's the scene where Tom Hanks is still on the island and has to knock out his bad tooth because it's infected and threatening his health. That's sort of how I see all of this now in retrospect. As a matter of fact it was last year at this time when all of this surfaced for me and I would come to the computer and hit "adoption" on my seach engine and there would be various forums and then I'd get scared and click out of the net and then sit at my computer and mumble too myself, trying to get up the courage to join the fray as it were. Because even though - just like you - I honestly had no idea how much flotsam and jetsom was floating on the sea of denial with me.........well still I knew it was going to be frigging painful and that it was going to knock me completely sideways and flatten me. Just like it did to Tom Hanks in that scene. Just wanted to relay that so you'd know I understand completely what you're saying. The pain. Huh. I had tried lately to stuff it all back down into my little "basement". I used to be able to do that with ease. The monstrous truth would bang on the basement door "LET ME IN!!"'and I'd just.....float away....tra lah lah and clean the floor or polish the woodwork. But since opening the door? When I tried to stuff all the pain back down where I wanted it to once again belong? Well....it was like standing at the basement door with my shoulder against it trying to hold back a team of commandos busting through from the other side. Impossible. The pain had arrived and I had to deal with it and all of the truth it brought/continues to bring. The funny thing is, Maggie? Each and every time in this last year that it's knocked me flat (and a couple weeks ago I thought it would finally kill me truth be told)....each time it's knocked me down....I scramble back up....bruised, bloodied and shaken but I do scramble back up. Definately God working there...nothing to do with me - believe me. Sigh....I wish I could say that it's like writing a check on a bill. The thing arrives in the mail, I say, "Ooo Boy! Gottah pay this piece of doo-doo!" and then I wince and whine but finally pay the sucker and forget it. But it's not that kind of thing. I fear...no...I am sure, that it is a lifetime companion. One that I must learn to live with but also one I can learn from. Much hugs your way today! :grouphug:

i was given up for adoption 42 years ago and i really cant say i know how you feel but i can tell you my life was just as full as it would have been with my birthparents. I grew up knowing that i was adopted, in fact we had announcment cards that said Hi im adopted! my mother would tell me stories about how they went to the adoption agency and told them how much they wanted a little girl with blond hair and green eyes, and how happy they were when they got the call to come and pick me up. It was a great way to understand and to know that the woman who put me up for adoption gave me the most wonderful gift of all...a loving family.