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I'm just wondering how many of you who have had a lot of grief over giving your child up, found a lot of bad things about their life, or dealing with a horrible reunion would have felt differently if after meeting them found out they had the kind of life you wanted for them and they were happy, if that might have made a difference in the grief you've experienced through the years.
I know that the ONLY thing that kept me going until I met my daughter was the idea that she had a "wonderful" "loving" family who didn't have any other children and really wanted her because they loved her. (not that she couldn't have been a big sister to another adopted child, which she was but she also had 2 older brothers when she was adopted who were biological children to these people). I was told the people who adopted her didn't have any other children and they really wanted a girl to adopt.
Never in a MILLION years did I think she was raised by maniac child molesters and abusers who would put her in mental instituions and group homes during her teen years.
Although I know the grief would have been there I think it would have been eased and I'd have been ok with the fact I had to give my baby up for adoption if I'd found her happy and actually loved by her adoptive parents and that they raised her the way I was promised she would be.
I also think it would have made things easier and caused the pain I'd been in for so long to ease if I'd found adoptive parents who really appreciated my giving my child up so they could have her to raise instead of being told I should have died when "their" daughter was born because I was nothing more than a shell and wasn't needed after "their" daughter was born.
Do you think if life had been good for them and they wanted you in their life when a reunion was happening (without all the drama it seems so many go through) that you might have had your pain eased?
Sometimes I don't think very many adoptive parents understand how important it is that the child is raised to know their birth mom loved them and encourage them to meet them when they are old enough or for that matter have a relationship with them while they are growing up. I don't think they realize how important it is for the child never to have to choose between them and the birth parent or make the child feel guilty for loving the birth mom.
For whatever reason there is jealousy or any other negative emotions concerning the birth mom and her child having a relationship, the adoptive parents should think more about the child and their needs and realize the needs of most children are to know their roots and to have the opportunity without guilt from either parents (birth or adoptive) about the relationship. If they raised their child in love they have no worries about the child's loyalty or love.
I wonder how many adoptive parents ever think about that side of things. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and I know there are problems with all parent child relationships here and there but it's so important (IMO) for the child to never have to choose but to always be encouraged to choose for themselves what they want and be secure in the idea they will most likely (due to the way they are raised) choose both and not one over the other. After all the birth mom is just as important as the adoptive mom is in the scheme of things and should be respected and loved too.
I know I thought for years how much I looked forward to someday meeting my daughter's adoptive parents and that they'd love me too and I would be able to talk to them and hear all about the things my daughter did in her life and be welcomed in with open arms as a "friend". Never did I have an idea to "steal" my daughter back and take her from parents she knew or was raised by or who loved her (or so I was told would be). That just wasn't and still isn't my way of thinking about things. I just wanted to know my daughter was ok and happy and her parents really loved her. It would have eased my pain to know that happened. It was devastating to know I'd been lied to.
Rylee
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Hi Rylee!
I can answer absolutely because my son has adoptive parents that seem to be nice people, and he's had a good life.
It HAS helped me TREMENDOUSLY. Finding him and finding out how he's had life lifted such a burden from my shoulders.
Don't get me wrong, I also got hit with tremendous grief (that that I was never allowed to fully feel before reunion) an ache that I didn't have the chance to raise him, that I would NEVER have the bond that parents have with the children that they raise.
I grieve the years we missed together.
His mom has some issues, she doesn't want to know about me, doesn't want to be involved with me at all. His dad and stepmom are quite different, his stepmom is the one who encouraged him to accept my contact. She's welcomed me into the family and will be welcoming us into her home in April. It will be interesting to meet his dad and I started to wonder if he is as nervous about this meeting as I am! (I am almost afraid to explore this on the aparents forums! yikes).
I am SO sorry Rylee that your experiance has been so different from mine. I think I would have been absolutely devastated in your circumstances and really struggled (as you have!).
Much love to you!
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Hey Rylee,
Hmmm...this is hard to answer because the above is not what kept me going. I only had two fears; that they were dead or that they hated me.
I never questioned if their parents loved them. It honestly never entered my mind during the silent years.
That is probably because I have been abused and therefore understand that biology or non-biology have nothing to do with that. Some people are abusers; some aren't. That's how it has always seemed to me.
But I do understand what you're saying. It is hard enough to grieve without the knowledge of abuse behind it. ((( Rylee ))) My sympathies to you in that struggle.
IMO Any person - no matter their status as a parent - any person who says such a thing is a misthanthrope, Rylee. Trying to make sense of such ignorance will only cause you pain and drive you crazy.
This is tough to answer in complete honesty because I am not in reunion and don't understand its politics. But in truth, I have never personally believed that my children's parents have to accept me. I mean, in as much as I wouldn't want either of us to go to war because that would cause my children pain? Yes, for the sake of my son and daughter I would hope we could get along. But do they owe me anything beyond the respect one human being should offer another? I don't see it that way. Not saying that you do either....just speaking in general.
Speaking in terms of myself only, my reunion with my children would ultimately be my responsibility because I am the one hoping to iniate it. Of course, I have no control over what my children or their parents will do. Even if one of them reached out to me first? Well then I can only try my best through the ragged emotions you so rightly speak of, to be my best.
Speaking from experience, I would say that abusive people aren't the least concerned with anyone's feelings but thier own- whether that person is their child, their siblings, their spouse, heck the mailman for that matter. Viscious people are viscious.
But I would guess that there are few loving parents who would not experience fear when a birthmother arrives at the door.
I mean, as much fear as I have why wouldn't someone else have theirs? Sure, maybe that fear is different. That doesn't lessen it. The "what-ifs" of life. So powerful, so predictable. So very hard to negotiate.
Everyone has worries as a parent. Did I do this right? Could I have done that better? Why did I say this or do that? Guilt, remorse, second-guessing, knowing I could've done better. Surely all of that and more comes into play in reunion. For all parties. I mean, that's got to be what makes it so hard in the first place, right?
((( Rylee ))) Once a psychologist at the hospital I was in the first time asked me who my best friend was. I said, "My daughter of course". He said "Wrong answer, Janey. You must be your own best friend in all things."
I am beginning to learn that he was right. The most important person who needs to love and respect me.....is me.
((( Rylee ))) I am so sorry that this was the outcome.
Wishing you peace today.
I know that the ONLY thing that kept me going until I met my daughter was the idea that she had a "wonderful" "loving" family who didn't have any other children and really wanted her because they loved her.
I should have died when "their" daughter was born because I was nothing more than a shell and wasn't needed after "their" daughter was born.
...if they wanted you in their life when a reunion was happening (without all the drama it seems so many go through) that you might have had your pain eased?
the adoptive parents should think more about the child and their needs and realize the needs of most children are to know their roots and to have the opportunity without guilt from either parents (birth or adoptive) about the relationship. If they raised their child in love they have no worries about the child's loyalty or love.
After all the birth mom is just as important as the adoptive mom is in the scheme of things and should be respected and loved too.
It would have eased my pain to know that happened. It was devastating to know I'd been lied to.
Hi Rylee! ~ In my experience, the first few years I believed my daughter was in a loving home. That belief made it bearable. Unfortunately, my daughters parents chose not to fulfill their promise of contact. When they cut off contact with me is when my nightmares began. All of the ғwhat ifs hit me hard. I had nightmares of every possible scenario of what could have happened to her. I never shared the details of these nightmares with anyone because they were too horrific. My nightmares would of been avoided if her parents had fulfilled their promise. I only wish that they wouldn't have made promises they probably had no intention of fulfilling.
When my daughter found me, she let me know that she has a wonderful family! I am so relieved and happy for her. It was a HUGE weight lifted off of me. So, my nightmares ended. Then, I was struck with dealing with everything that I had buried.
Like you, all I ever needed through the years was to know that she was alive and well. The NOT KNOWING if she was alive and safe was torture. I finally have peace now that I know that she is happy and loved! :)
(((Rylee))) I am so sorry your daughter didnԒt get the family she deserved. I truly feel for you and your daughter having to deal with that on top of coping with the adoption.
Having had ongoing contact in my semi-open adoption and knowing he was happy, healthy, very well cared for, and deeply loved was tremendously helpful to me over the years. I don't know if I would have coped well with not knowing anything or not getting to see pictures. We didn't have a formal agreement, but if I was made promises and they were not kept, I think it would be very devastating. If I thought he was in a good home and found out later it was not so, that would be most upsetting.
This is one of my biggest fears. That I will find my bson, and his parents will hate me and he hates me. I also fear that they aren't good people. I mean, who cuts off a bmom completely. :( They promised letters and pictures, and now I don't even know where they are. I feel really betrayed by them. At the same time, I know they had a mom before me change her mind at the last minute, and maybe they were afraid it would happen again. The not knowing is the worst.
I think it would be a different kind of grief if I knew he was safe and loved. It would be different if I knew the adoptive parents, and knew they were good people and good parents. I get really jealous of bmoms in open adoptions, who have contact with the adoptive parents. I wish I had that. I wish I had known my options back when. I was so clueless, and let everyone make the decisions for me.
So to answer your question, yes, if I meet him years from now and know he had a good life, a lot of the grief will be lifted. Not all, and I think I'll face new issues, but it will help heal a lot of the worries I have over not knowing.
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Hey AlisonMarie,
((( AlisonMarie )))
This kind of behavior I have never understood anymore than I understand a bmom running from her children to avoid reunion after she's committed herself to meeting them and/or being back in their life. IMO - These kinds of promises are solemn oaths and it is a question of personal honor and integrity to keep them.
A bmom who gushes with promises to her children that she can't wait to see them and then backs out and leaves her children upset and feeling abandoned? An adoptive parent who promises pictures and letters and then runs and leave the bmom empty-handed and broken? Those are both opposite sides of the same cowardly coin.
If there is anything that needs to change in the landscape of adoption, to me, this is at its core. People need to understand that they are dealing with other people's lives and that that requires more than the usual amount of compassion and respect.
Unfortunately, we are homo sapiens which pretty much negates those last two. :hissy:
They promised letters and pictures, and now I don't even know where they are. I feel really betrayed by them. At the same time, I know they had a mom before me change her mind at the last minute, and maybe they were afraid it would happen again.
Well said. I think you're right about that. Broken promises are the worst I can personally think of in something as emotionally charged as adoption.
If all parties would keep their promises (to send pics, to meet etc) I think it would solve a lot of things.
However, I still think the brainwashing of the girls back when it was more closed adoptions than they are now in telling us to "go home and forget about the baby" (as if that could actually happen) and telling the adoptive parents they have this "child they could mold into what they chose" (or something simular in the "clean slate" kind of thing) was wrong.
It made the adoptive parents believe this notion back then that they could actually do that in making the child something they may not be able to be and when the child didn't "preform" the way the adoptive parent figured they should then they felt one of two things. Either failures as parents causing them a lot of depression. Or would completely blame the birth parents genes for all the wrong but them (the adoptive parents) for all the good.
Then there's those of us who tried to "go home and forget" like they were told to but couldn't, that cause some to have problems in meeting their child in a reunion. They may want to but then the flashbacks of "go home and forget because it's the best for you and your child" happen and they freak out second guessing their original promise to meet with their child and causes them to back out.
I really believe that birthparents who back out have emotional issues beyond what most people understand and when they don't show up may be freaking out inside from all the years of "hiding" how they felt and they don't want their child to see that side of them.
Maybe they thought when the original promise to meet was made that they could handle the emotions and maybe even have gone as far as getting to the door to go out to meet and then suddenly uncontrolably break down in hysterics and change their minds about actually going and don't know how to tell their child why they didn't show up so don't contact them again or keep putting off meeting face to face.
Everyone should keep their promises. I completely agree on that but I also know there are circumstances that prevent that from actually happening some are reasonable excuses others aren't but only the person experiencing the situation first hand know what it's about. IMO anyway.
Rylee
And in the middle of it all is the adoptee with their own issues/lack of issues and everywhere in between. There actual outcome of how they feel about themselves and their situition ,of being the one that is the adoption, is totally dependent on the parents around them. If they do not act a certain way its because "those aparents" were horrible..or "those genes" are the cause...it may NOT be seen as maybe an indivual/ seperate problem or non problem..the indivual human being that they are. It must be horrible to find your child had a horrible life.
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That's the part of adoption that I feel the worst about. The adopted child and the emotions they have that can go either way and how they can hurt so much.
I hate that part of the adoption. No one ever told us that the child could feel abandoned, or that they could go to a home that is really bad like the one my daughter went to. We were always told that the child would be happier being with "other parents" and they would love us knowing we cared so much about them that we'd give them to someone who could give them things we couldn't.
That's the sad part. I wish adoption wasn't so hard on everyone concerned.
Rylee
I hate that part of the adoption. No one ever told us that the child could feel abandoned, or that they could go to a home that is really bad like the one my daughter went to. We were always told that the child would be happier being with "other parents" and they would love us knowing we cared so much about them that we'd give them to someone who could give them things we couldn't.
You know, sometimes I think about the way things would have been if I'd raised my daughter instead of giving her up for adoption. I think about how I wanted to keep her but then like you, I wish I could go into an alternate universe and raise her to see if she would have been ok.
I don't know though. I had never liked playing with dolls or doing things with kids really. It was hard for me to raise the kids I did raise. I loved them. I took care of them. I hugged them. I did everything I could to be the best mom I could be but there was always that feeling that I had about babies in general. I had a hard time loving my kids the way they should have been. I don't know why.
I know as a kid I didn't feel loved and I didn't have a lot of friends. My self esteme was shot to heck and it was hard to handle school or anything else. Life sucked.
My dad was abusive in EVERY way possible and it caused me a lot of grief. I had a hard time just being alive. I did want my baby but I guess in spite of the fact that she was raised in a worse home than I would have given her and that she and I don't have a relationship like we should have, maybe it was better for her and for me that I gave her up.
I realize that if she'd been raised by me and her life turned out a mess like it is now (I doubt it would have but who knows) then everyone would have said, "See! You SHOULD have given her up she'd have turned out so much better!" and that would have been on my head and I'd have never known she was just going to turn out that way no matter what. It's hard to think about that sometimes.
Rylee