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Well...I am not at all sure where to begin here. Today was the first time I visited this site. I have read many of the posts and replies. I thought I would give it a shot and see if I could find some support for my situation - support from other birth mothers who may possibly understand what I'm feeling and maybe have some advice for me.
I am a birth mother. I'm also an adopted child. I am a mother of 3 grown children, in addition to the child I gave up.
Mine was a closed adoption. I spoke of it to no one, other than my husband and one of my brothers. I went on with my life as if it never happened.
The child found me - I had registered when he turned 18 with an adoption web site - that's how he located my information. I received a letter on Christmas Eve. I responded to his email address immediately. We corresponded for 2 weeks - something like 60 emails - some longer than others. I just recently (mid-Feb) went to meet him.
The reunion went fine. I met the adoptive parents as well.
My issue is that I do not feel 'connected' or 'bonded' to this young man. I didn't find anyone else here that expressed these feelings. I did not bond with him during pregnancy - I pretty much removed myself emotionally. I knew I was giving him up from probably month 4 of the pregnancy. I could not bring myself to abortion - it was not an option for me. I loved the child enough to give him a chance - to give someone else the opportunity to do for him what I could not - raise him with the love that I feel every child deserves.
But...27 years later, here he is and I don't know what to do now. He is calling me "mom" and is thrilled to have found me and that I was receptive. I'm happy to know he is OK - that was one thing I found I could definitely relate to in other posts - the not knowing all those years. If he was alive, happy, healthy, loved. I now know the answers to these questions.
Obviously, things moved very fast with this whole thing.
Any thoughts, advice, suggestions that anyone has to offer, I am very interested in hearing. I do not know anyone else who has given a child up for adoption - I know plenty who have adopted. It's very different on this side of things...right now, it's feeling like a very lonely place and I am not sure where to go for support.
So...hello...
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Welcome!!!
It's rough, isn't it? I'm also from the closed adoption era, was told to forget and move on.
I found my son two years ago, when he was 21.
Finding my son has been (as they say) a real roller coaster. I was so thrilled in the beginning, it was like falling in love that kind of high. Then I found myself dealing with anger (not at him, mostly at my parents) all sorts of emotions.
Because of where we live (he lives in the US, I live in Sweden), meeting up is difficult to say the least. He's not someone who likes to talk on the phone, so most of our contact has been via email and chatting online (which is also hard because we have a 6 hour time difference).
I guess I know what you mean about not feeling connected or bonded. I guess I do on some levels, but I don't really know or understand what role I play in his life or should play in his life. I went through a period of feeling really sad and left out, but then last year he sent me a wonderful Mother's day card, that helped. I think it's extra hard for us who have sons. Men are not known for communicating as easily as women.
I think it's hard for us from the closed adoption era sometimes to fully open up our hearts to our lost children. We lived so many years of being told we weren't allowed to, know what I mean? Plus there is a fear of being hurt, because why should they care about us anyway? (not that I believe that really, just again, something that was told to us often).
Talk, write, read. We're here and even though all of our situations are unique, we share a lot of common experiences and feelings.
Share!
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Thank you so much for your reply!!
A roller coaster ride is a good analogy of what it's been like.
I cried for 2 weeks. I made his Christmas, however it sort of ruined mine. It's very hard to explain. It felt as though my world were turned upside down. As it turns out, it was not. It's all gone rather well, all things considered. The anger I can definitely relate to. I am not angry at him. Angry at the situation. Then and now.
The not knowing what role to play is a big one. I'm not sure what role I want to play, either. He lives halfway across the country.
There is still an awful lot of shame and guilt. My children were and still are very supportive and that has been a tremendous relief to me. Of all the folks that I had to tell (and still have to tell), my children are truly the ones that mattered most. Their acceptance has made this so much easier.
But...the adopted son is not really my son. I didn't raise him. I didn't bond with him. I do not feel connected to him.
It's truly bizarre. I guess I thought I would. That meeting him would maybe make me feel something that I somehow feel "should" be there and isn't. I never held him. I only saw him for just a brief moment because the midwife that was in attendance for the birth took pity on me. Now, it's 27 years later and I don't know what to feel...
I'm not from the closed era (my adoption was semi-open) and I still have some of the same feelings. I did bond with my son from the get-go and always felt a connection, but we have not met or directly communicated yet, even though I have his identifying info. Right now, we are basically in limbo. When I got the identifying info, I was hit with all sorts of emotions, from anxiety to fear to excitement to joy to sadness, etc. Then all the "what ifs" started coming. What if he doesn't like me, what if I don't like him, what if he wants more from me than I can give, what if he doesn't want enough from me, etc., etc., etc. I really thought I was going to lose it! Things have settled down for me and as I was able to process the emotions more, it helped. I'm sure if we went into a full-blown reunion, these feelings would come back and I would have to give it time to settle again.
Things are still pretty new in your reunion. I would give it time to develop. I agree with treating it like any new relationship. Don't worry about not feeling a strong bond right now. You can not force feelings that aren't there, but you shouldn't feel bad about not having feelings you think you should have. I don't think there is a right or wrong here, you know? Just try to keep open communication, be honest about how you are feeling (for instance, if it makes you uncomfortable right now for him to call you "mom" you may need to gently tell him this), and go with the flow! Also read up as much as you can about reunion and be prepared for overwhelming feelings and possible "pullback" on either side. Your son will have strong feelings come to the surface, too, that he will need to process. I highly recommend therapy or a birthmother (or adoption triad) support group, if any are available in your area.
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Rnest, I hope you don't mind me popping in, but I am married to an adult adoptee (he's 43) who recently "reunited" with his birth mom. He was hoping to meet her, but she has wanted to keep the communication by email only now. That I think has been kind of tough on him (he's not a big emailer). There is a forum here called "relative strangers" and that's sort of what I think reunion must be like (though I obviously don't know first hand). You are his mom of course, but you are also a "stranger" in many ways .... I know my DH appreciates the fact that his birth mom has not really been "lovey dovey" with him or pressing him for a lot of emotions. I hope someday that they can develop an in-person relationship and really get to know each other. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I don't think your reaction is "odd" at all...sounds a lot like his birth mom's, and while you may feel your son "pressing" for more, I think it really is best to take it slowly and to be honest about your feelings. This stuff is not easy! Best to you!!!
RNest, I hope you don't mind me chiming in as well. I'm an adult adoptee. I found my bmom in August and we emailed like crazy for about a month. Then I think it started to sink in with her and the reality of it all hit her. She would have to tell her husband (of 37 years and I'm 39) and others about me if we were to keep going and I think that terrified her. She cut off contact in October. I also don't feel like she has a connection or bond with me. She seemed satisfied with the knowledge that I had good parents and a nice life. her last email, she was nice and seemed concerned about my feelings but still ended it. She gave me her family medical history and we were apparently done.
I, however, am not satisfied. I want to meet her in person, I would like her help in finding my bdad and I would like answers to all my questions. I would like her to give this a chance.
I know this is hard for you and I know you are trying. Thank you for that. It is a new relationship and you can set the pace. Your son will understand if you are honest and say that you need to slow it down. You may surprise yourself with how much you really do care/love him once knowing him as the person he is now. he is not that baby that you didn't feel bonded with.
HUGS to you!! hang in there!!
WOW. Such nice replies. Good stuff to read/hear.
It is quite a process, I'm slowly beginning to realize.
I met with B very quickly into our relationship for many reasons. He has other siblings, from his bdad, one of which very much wanted to contact him, but was being respectful of me. I was given time to go meet him and share with him how he came to be and why I gave him up. But, the pressure was definitely on. Which is the only reason the in-person meeting happened so very fast.
I am in therapy. I actually called my therapist (I had been in therapy a couple years ago for unrelated issues), 2 weeks into his finding me because I could not stop crying. I felt out of control and as if I were losing it.
I am still reluctant to tell people. I've told my close friends and some members of my family. People who have known me for 20+ years, still do not know.
It's a difficult thing to tell. For B, this is awesome. His bmom is receptive and it's exciting and I'm able to help him rebuild the puzzle. For me...it's embarrassment, pain, anger...it changes many things in my life.
Not that I don't see anything positive here - I truly do! He had a good life. Was raised by loving parents. He's a decent man. I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm relieved to know he's OK.
It's all the other "stuff" that is overwhelming.
Slowing things down is exactly what I'm trying to do - without hurting B. He has a right to some sort of relationship with me, I'm just not sure what that is going to be, or even how to get there from here.