His A-mom died today

Focus on your son and what he needs. You know what I mean? That way it's easier to put aside all your feelings that are hard to process about her... Does that make sense? hugs to you Darcy

Dear Loveccl, I know that you and I got off on the wrong foot a week or so back but I saw your post and wanted to respond. I hope that is all right. First off, my sympathies to your son and his sister. My sympathies also to you in what I can only imagine is an emotionally wrenching situation. I tried to think of what Jackie would say to you now but Jackie's shoes are so very hard to fill...I fall short of the mark every time I try. :cowboy: Still I wanted to say that I see your struggle to find compassion for an addict. It is not an easy thing to do on any plane. Addicts wreak such havoc on everyone around them. Their disease pushes them to be selfish, irresponsible and far worse. Jackie and I spent many nights trying to figure out how to make peace with addicts and their legacy. There are days when it is easier and days when it's impossible. I have learned that addiction casts many shadows and that there will be times when I'm forced through someone else's actions to shiver beneath those shadows waiting for the sun to return. And you are in a far more difficult position because your son is not physically with you so that you can comfort him the way a mother wants and needs to comfort her child. But Quantum is right. You can listen to him...provide comfort through your words and thoughts. Words are power in the fight against bitterness and loss. Also, I thought I'd suggest perhaps reading some AlAteen literature so that if he contacts you with questions about his amom's illness you have the knowledge he requires in order to understand and you can explain it on a teen's level. Not that I'm saying you don't already possess that ability but maybe having Recovery literature behind you will only enhance and shore up what you already know. What you're living now is one of my nightmares as a bmom. My heart goes out to you. Respectfully,

Wow, this is a shock. I don't know how to respond to this but I do want you to know that I am thinking about you and your situation and hoping and praying for the best between you and your son. I know when my daughter's adoptive mom dies I'm not going to be sad for her death. I'm going to be thrilled for it but I will be sad for my daughter who does love her in spite of eveything she's ever done and everything she is continuning to do. For some reason the love is there no matter what and the hurt she'll feel when it happens is going to be horrible in spite of everything. Your son I'm sure feels the same way and in spite of everything she may have done to him through the years he will see this differently (at least for now) than everyone who seen his adoptive mom for what she was. I'm saying this out of my own experiences over my dad and what happened when he died. He was an alcoholic who abused me so severely during my life that I've got emotional "issues" that will probably never go away. He died of a heart attack in 2001. When he died, suddenly he became this person I put on a pedistal. I hovered his grave. I wouldn't let anyone talk bad about him . I tried to make everyone see the "good" in him. I just couldn't accept the fact he was dead. It was hard. I did that for a long time. Then one day I started looking and seeing what I was doing and how much I had gone through in my life and what he'd put my family through and I started getting angry. I stopped going to his gravesite so much. I started seeing him for what he had really been and put him back on the ground where he belonged. Then finally burried him again. I hated him for a long time after that happened. Then one day even though I knew he'd done all he did and I had the right to be angry, I just stopped being hatefully angry. I'm angry at what he did but I don't hate him anymore and I've moved on past some of the issues and let him go. But in the beginning, man it was hard and I cried and cried constantly becuase he was dead. I couldn't beleive he died and I "loved him" and all that stuff I mentioned. I've been told that's normal and that it's just part of the healing process. All I really needed at the time was a shoulder. I needed to have people there for me to just be able to cry on their shoulder and not tell me what a horrible person my dad was becuase of all he'd caused and all the hurt he'd handed out. I just needed to grieve. After I'd gotten past that point, then I was able to talk about what a horrible person he was and not feel guilty for talking against him and being angry with him for what he'd done. I don't know if that's something your son is going through or not but just let him talk if he wants. I think if you're there for him and just comfort him and not talk about any hard feelings you had about his adoptive mom you will probably have a better relationship than if you try to explain her illness or tell him how much she hurt you etc. It will probably make things worse for him and you if you say anything against her right now because he really doesn't need that. He needs your compassion. I don't know if that helps you or not. I just hope you'll be ok too. Hang in there ok? Rylee

Regardless of our thoughts and our deep inside anger, we must remember, that, indeed the person "we" have lost...was someones daughter/son...someones wife/significant other...somesone/mother/mentor...that person was , at one time or another...loved by others. Darcy, please know that I, too as a firstmom harbor anger, not in the same ways you do..but anger none-the-less.. is the same. I of course cannot give you the answer you seek, but my belief is very simple....your/her son was raised by her, there is no doubt alot of sadness...on may levels, and in differing ways. Your/her son is most definately playing many many past memories in his mind. He only wishes for SOMEONE..(hopefully you ...but anyone) to understand his pain, and his anger too. Please try with all your MIGHT, to put aside ANY anguish, and offer some type of solice! If it were I , and I could not muster this...then I would stay away...for this is a time he needs only to be held, hugged, and supported...nothing more and nothing less. I hold no wise solutions, but I will offer you a HUGE hug, and I most certainly can muster adding another prayer to my list tonight. Blessings, and I am so so sorry this has been placed upon your heart...., however our ALL MIGHTY , never hands us more than we can handle.....as you will do, I am sure..C.J.:flower:

What a hard position to be in, first to have the joy of connecting with your son and then for him to have such a loss. My advise would be to listen to him, he is going to need someone who he can talk to about his loss. If he backs away, I would not push contact at the present time, he is going thru a very stressful time and if he wants contact with you, he will keep contact, otherwise give him the space he needs It doesnt matter what his mom was like, she was his mom - keep that in your thoughts at all times. You don't want to say anything negative about her, even is your son does - if you do, it will most likely come back to bite. Just let him know you are there for him if he needs you. And remember, this is about your son and His loss, let him know how very sorry you are that he has lost his Mom, he is still young so I think I would try to keep any grief I felt to myself as it's about him right now. sending prayers

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