Return of Bdad.....ugh.

Sorry you're having to stare at the request. Not sure what to tell you. I think it's just something you have to decide for yourself, if you want to open that door, in whatever way or to whatever degree, or not.

Sorry this is so conflicting for you:) I am conflicted myself, wondering why you are so conflicted about hitting the ignore button..or reject button?????? I do get the whole thing of not wanting to have him present in your life...but I would think this would make it easier to reject ! Sorry I am not helpful , maybe just curious as to why it is so hard the click the button....either way, you will make the right choice...WHEN you are ready. Blessings to you, hoping you find some serenity along the way...C.J.

Sis definitely knows that he and I dated....so I'm not sure why that wasn't enough of a reason to deny him, but she didn't - whatever. He definitely could be using her to try to get to me - he even asked her to go running once when she was training for a half marathon. I thought it was weird then, and I still do now. In her defense, Sis was like, "what a weirdo" after that happened, she just never deleted him. Gwen - I'm sure I'll talk to him eventually - someday. And maybe things will have changed and he'll apologize and all sorts of things. Part of me I suppose isn't ready to forgive him yet. It's still "new" - well, as new as three years can be. But when you go through what we've all gone through, three years can seem like the blink of an eye, you know? I guess I just wish that if he wanted to talk or something he would have sent me a message instead of this passive friend request deal. If he wants to talk - then talk. I got a very wise PM that said I wouldn't have accepted his "friendship" without contemplating it, so it's good that I didn't reject it without thought as well.....

I might just add him, and set my privacy setting so that he can only see what you want him to see. That's what i'd do, but I don't know the whole story, and there are some good ones out there.

I've found that facebook doesn't have as many privacy controls as other social networking sites, so I was reluctant. If someone knows how I could do that though.... I know how to control pictures, but that's about it. The thing I DON'T like about facebook is that folks can comment at will and I don't have to (get to) approve their comments before they go public. Who knows what he would say...... And if someone says, "Looking forward to seeing you at X location tonight" I really don't want to "bump" into him there. His request has been in limbo this whole time but the past couple weeks have made me think that I'm finally ready to deny the request......

Wow- this does seem like a hard one. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this- I can't imagine it's easy. I had an ex recently request to be my friend on facebook & it irritated me & we hadn't gone through what I'm sure you guys went through. It sounds like you're ready to hit the ignore button- good for you :) I agree wiht the others as far as keeping tabs on him. I think it's so sweet of you to do this but it's not your responsibility- especially if he isn't the most happiest memory for you. I would hope Dee would get that part. Good luck to you with all of htis!

I get the apprehension of seeing him on FB. A few months ago I saw my ex pop up (an ex from many many many years ago, of course). I didn't think that almost 2 decades later it would be as emotionally complex as it was. I was sick to my stomach and really sad every time I saw his profile pop up under the darn "You may know this person" section. What chaps my hide is that my BEST FRIEND sent him a friend request! As soon as I saw that, I called her and told her in NO uncertain terms that she was NOT to tell him a single thing about me or my life or anything. We had such a bad break up that I felt like my friend had betrayed me by "friending" him - her excuse was that he was set to private and she wanted to see his family (which was true). I shouldn't have been mad, but it's not like they were even friends back then...So it's not like she was trying to catch up with him after all this time. Anyway, he ended up sending me a request, but instead of accepting, I sent him a message saying that I wished him well in life, but that it took a long time to get over what had happened between us and that even though it was great to hear from him again, I thought it best that we just keep things in the past. He understood and apologized for what he had done, and we exchanged a few more lines about our families and that was that. And you know what? It was really, really sad. I loved his family, and lost some great people after we split. Ack. There I go, rambling. I know the situation is different than yours...but the pp's are right. Don't feel like you have to keep tabs on him. That's not up to you...and YOU'RE right - you don't need him knowing everything that's posted on your FB. Tricky situation.

Facebook does have privacy settings that you can customize for just about everything. You can control what a person sees on your profile, whether they are allowed to post to your wall, etc. Go to "settings", then "privacy" and you can tweak almost everything down to specific people, you just have to explore a bit under each option. :evilgrin:

Thanks H!!! Good to know! (I'm a very reluctant Facebook-r so I haven't familiarized myself with the features!)

The best feature is the "except" fill-in-the-blank. Say, you have a feature set to "only friends"- when you go into "custom" you can keep "only friends" but at the bottom type in a friend list or a name, or names under "Except" and everyone else in that network or list can still see the stuff...except them. It's cool. :cowboy:

keeping Tabs... Hmm. I'm not sure I agree with you all on this. I actually think is is the responsibility of both to keep in touch, even if it is painful. The child is your contract. I think at the point of birth it is no longer a choice. Some can come to terms with this easier than others. My brother told me when it came to his continued contact with my child abusing father... "I keep in touch, so I know where, what he is up to" ... befriending the enemy. There is allot of truth in that. I am not adopted, so I couldn't say for sure how important the birth family to an adoptee is in this situation, but I am just guessing that it is very important. Every situation is different, but the fact remains... it takes two. Keeping tabs on him will also, reacquaint yourself with a person that once mattered to you, and most likely at some point, will have contact with the child. What better way to "investigate" this persons mental condition. These are just thoughts coming from a birthfather.

Interesting xdad....I think I'm actually going to start another thread on this topic to see what folks think! Thanks :)

Here's the new thread in case anyone's interested in chiming in over there: [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birthparent-support/357658-keeping-tabs-whos-responsible.html[/url]

Hiya tgmom! If I were you I'd consider sending your ex a message saying 'I can't deal with being your 'friend' right now' and then ignore the request. But that might be opening up a can of worms. My mentally abusive ex is friends with a friend on facebook and I see comments he makes and so on and it makes me sick. :-( I don't know what I would do if he tried to friend me...

Proceed with caution!!!! Bdad drama is overwhelming to say the least. Everyone's situation is different, but know that you're not alone! The only thing I would say is to be careful and guard your heart because fb interaction can lead to phone, which (over the course of days, weeks, or month) can lead to lunch, which can lead to too much. All of this can start very innocently then before you know it, the old feelings get stirred up again! Good luck!