open adoption isn't so open anymore

I don't have much advise for you but I do have a lot of sympathy. My daughter's parents held up to the deal to have contact for the first 5 years but I've heard nothing in the last 6. It took 2 weeks to get any response from the agency a few years ago and was assured that they were still getting her packages. [ My husband had left again and I was a single mom working at Kmart. I told the agency that nothing would cause me to stop sending gifts if she was getting them but I couldn't afford to but things to sit in an agency box. ] Then about a month ago I emailed the agency and was all but ignored. That's when I decided to find them and send a letter directly. Do you have any information to be able to locate them? I know it helped me to know that they got what I sent and not rely on a middle man that I now feel betrayed by. From what I've read on here, us birthmoms are more or less at the mercy of the agency and the adoptive parents. Wish I had better advise...

Do you know their names so you can contact them directly. I really dislike the agency as mediator. They have no vested interest in encouraging or maintaining contact. (i.e. they don't get paid to intervene, so you are usually their last priority) For all you know the agency told them something inaccurate about you and that's why the pictures stopped. I would try direct communication.

[FONT="Arial"]The person I use to talk to everytime I called the agency was always helpful, it wasn't until this new woman started working there that her calls would get screened. Once I found out this new woman never gave her the many messages I had left. Now the person I always spoke to isn't working there anymore. :hissy:

I remember their first names and the type of business they were in but I don't remember their last names. The paperwork has since been lost because I have moved a couple of times. My father tells me to just wait until she's 18 and break my promise to them, they can't deny anything to me then and just show up at their door. (My promise to them was I would contact them when she turns 18 but not her directly because I didn't want anything to interfere with her plans for college) My promise was out of respect. My father said "They show you no respect, go tell her how you were treated, take pics of everything you send from here on out to show her, make copies of letters, etc so there can be no dispute about it."

I just think I'm more jealous of the fact they have no problem with their youngest sons bparents and the reality that they would have never been able to adopt him if I hadn't allowed them to adopt my daughter first! [/FONT]

I'm sorry to hear this, but your case is sadly all too common. Until open agreements are made legally enforceable, there is little you can do. Adoptive parents sometimes (often) can't deal with the fact that the child they are raising is not biologically theirs. So they retreat from birth parents by refusing to honor the agreement they made to get the child. It's a sad commentary on their insecurity, NOT you.Adoptees who learn later in life that their adoptive families lied to them about their adoption or concealed information about their birth families often break off contact with their adoptive families because of the anger this causes. Until adoptive parents are held legally responsible for upholding open adoption agreements, this situation will not improve.

[FONT="Tahoma"]It so happens that I'm not the only BMOM to have this problem with the same agency! It seems they have broken many rules. I found out the BParents of the little boy, the AParents also adopted, have actually been visiting with the AParents once to twice a year for the past four years, which in breech of the adoption agreement. I spoke to someone at the agency who just happened to accidentally tell me this. They talk all the time on the phone now. I just hope that the AParents find this post, my screen name is what I named her so it won't be that hard to figure out. In addition I hope they feel good about not acting as the Godly people they claimed to be! [/FONT]

I am sorry you are having so much difficulty. I didn't go through an agency for giving my child up. In fact, the foster parents I had lived with with my bson agreed to adopt him. However, they haven't kept their agreement in allowing me to see, talk or getting pictures of him. In fact, there have been times where there were no communication with them for over 6 months and that was with me calling and always getting the voice mail and sending letters and emails. So while that was going on, I called up the lawyer I had for the termination process and he told me that the aparents can choose to close the adoption anytime they want. I don't believe they should be able to do that when it's in our court records saying that it would be open. But apparently they can.A few months ago, I got a call from my bson and I was so excited but sadly, the call was very short lived and I haven't heard from him since.So if you are still having issues, I would try to talk to a manager or some higher person at the adoption agency and if things don't get straightened out, I would talk to a lawyer to find out if what they are doing is legal.I hope this helps.

Sad to say that it is true that an open adoption can become closed at the adoptive parents whims. I used to fantasize that the reason my bio-daughter's family closed the adoption was because they were so madly in love with her they didn't want to share. Sadly that is far from the truth and her a-mom does not even have visitation after the nasty and bitter divorce and in doubt the court's decision that she is not a positive force in my daughters life. My lovely daughter wants to live with us (she is still a minor) and the state laws will not allow this without her a-parents consent. As miserable as she is she fears their anger and does not want to be punished severely for asking for contact with us. She is wise enough to know that if we ask she will face the consequences as well and she is not allowed to speak of us at all. There is an ugly side to adoption. Sometimes birthparents give up their children in a desperate attempt to "save" them from poverty, or illness. And sadly some adoptive families adopt children for all the wrong reasons. I thought our child was living with loving people. Their silence and deception was due to a much darker reason. I am not trying to scare you, but would like to offer you a possibility that you may have not considered. By all means try to make contact in any way you can. Just don't be believe your child's adoptive parents and good people until you have evidence that points to that. Deception is never a good sign. And btw- we were treated as villians as well. We who raised our children in private schools, never missed a soccer game, or PTA meeting. We who had gone through a few years of sickness and poverty were to be forever the "bad people" who gave our daughter life but "gave her away because they didn't want you". We who never raised a finger to our children were "bad" people. And while we are not bad we made the worst decision ever- we chose adoption. Nobody likes to talk about the ugly side of adoption. But it does exsist.

I looked up virgina law and they are not allowed to close communication unless they go to court and change your contract

One of the things to consider in states that "enforce" open adoption agreements is that if the natural parents take the aparents to court it may nullify the original agreement. So how does that help enforce anything?