open

Kate, I'm sorry you're hurting right now. You've got me freaked out -- when you say you're "terminal", are you saying what I think you're saying??

((((Kate)))) Please let us know what you mean by "terminal". While I wait, I want to say I've followed your journey through reunion, I know it's been super tough on you, which is hard since it HAS been a relatively good reunion. Remember that your reunion is also plagued with other issues as in DH/bdad. I think that has taken quite a toll on you. My son has said to me repeatedly that he thinks part of why our reunion has gone so well because we live so far apart so we haven't had the option of meeting or even speaking so often. It hurts to hear that, since I would love so much more, but I fear he is right. more hugs to you, please let us know what's going on.

My dear Kate...You've been in my prayers! I'll keep it up! As an adoptee, I have to say that my life is my life and it is the way it is because of who I am and how I have responded and reacted to the events/situations, ect in my life. It is nobody elses responsibility or "fault" for the way I conduct my life. Sure, ANYONE can have excuses...but excuses just hold you back. Sure, I could say...it hurt that it FELT like my bmom didn't "care" about me as an infant...but seriously is that REALLY any true REASON to go through life miserable?? And is that statement and belief, that sooo many people believe, even based on TRUTH? More times then not..no. Sometimes it may APPEAR to be based on truth...but then again, what does that say about ME? Nothing. It says something about the person who was obviously a wounded person to begin with to not to care about another person, regardless of who it is. I get sooooo irritated at the adoptees who think that adoption ruined them. Yeah, adoption can cause hurt and there is loss...but there is hurt and loss in EVERYONES life, what is important is what we DO with it. We can allow things to make us bitter or better. I have decided to choose-better. (not that situations necessarily get "better") But I choose to be a better person each day..to not hold on to things that will destroy me and my life. What's the point!?!? Blaming my bmom does absolutely NOTHING to make me better. Actually that bitterness will poison me! (sorry I think I was just on some sort of soap box!) As for the apologizing...I am not sure. I think part of it is that we as a people tend to take on a false sense of responsibility. We think that we have to make everyone "okay" with choices we made, with the things that have happened, and even with the choices that the OTHER person has made. We are taught to be "nice" and part of that is by apologizing. I am not saying that we shouldn't apologize when we've done something wrong...but is placing a child for adoption "wrong"?Nope. Is not wanting to be part of a bfamily "wrong"? Nope. Is needing time to adjust, to wrap one's head around a reunion "wrong"? Nope. Yet, Over and Over and Over again we hear people apogolizing for making those choices. It's like we have to make sure that everyone is "okay" with us and our decisions, and MAYBE just MAYBE if we apologize...everyone ELSE may be okay with those decisions. Maybe it even boils down to the fact that WE need to hear from them..it's okay...so by apologizing we may get to hear those words!?!?! I don't know. One thing I do know, Kate, is that you are an amazing woman. You have shown me MUCH support, kindness, and love during this journey. I hope I have done the same for you! And this wasn't a wasp's nest....it's just being honest, and NO apologies are needed for that!!! Luvya!!:grouphug:

((( Kate ))) Hi. I am hearing in your words that you are dying. Am I reading that correctly? I like the others will wait to hear but if you would care to share on that publicly or through PM, I would be honored to listen if that is all you need. I know this might not be what you're looking for or what you meant in your OP but these are the thoughts coming up and so I'll put them down on this e-paper. You know, I've watched the posts that go back and forth in here between adoptees and birthparents, between birthparents and adoptive parents and there seems to be some in here making harsh judgements and assumptions. These judgements and assumptions are on the one hand understandable because we as humans tend to operate from where we've been, myself included. The problem arises when that becomes our mantra; our excuse for not changing who we are. That's when we're constantly asking everyone else to apologize. You don't owe anyone that, Keds. And neither do I. A person can only do their best in either righting a situation they felt was wrong on their part or accepting their part in making a decision they felt was best for all concerned at the time. And either others accept those truths or they don't. That is their right but at that point, it becomes about them. Let me put it this way. All I can do is listen, be honest and compassionate in my responses. Then if the other person chooses not to hear; to try and keep me down with my past? Shrug. My name's Paul; that's tween them all. I cannot spend my life on my knees in terrible regret. Life is short. I would not ask that of another. I will not ask it of myself. If there is any legacy I leave any of my 4 children, I pray that it is that. As far as the hatred for birthmothers, perhaps that is changing but I have reservations because society is so screwed up over sex to begin with. The other day I saw at least 5 prime-time Cialis commercials and at least 3 others for that other ED drug (can't remember it's name). Then - that very night on the 11:00 news - I see a group of people campaigning to stop sex education in the highschools. WTF? What is our problem? If we don't want our children to be educated about sex, then why are we shoving it down their throats every single frigging night between the hours of 8:00 pm and 10:00 pm when they're most likely to be watching television only to see every other advertisement showing men and women in bathtubs looking longingly at each other? We diefy sex while at the same time denouncing it. No wonder our children are so confused. It's too bad someone can't hang a sign over the Earth saying, "Sex is part of living just like everything else. Accept that. Deal with that. Educate your children. Move on." It's not going to happen. And that's a pity because it's not until we stop our schizophrenic attitudes that we'll stop maligning people. And if there were anything that I could shout from the rooftops to the street below regarding my status as birthmother it would be this: 1. Stop saying "thank you for not killing me". It was the furthest thought from my mind. 2. Stop lumping me in with people who murder children. And I've seen that lately. And it's frigging lunacy. Really and truly....you who are doing this....please think of the public's safety and have yourself committed. You're nuttier than a fruitcake. 3. This one most importantly....stop believing that because you're a birthmother, that you're defective or heartless or cruel, or a slut, or any number of other things we've heard. Here's what we really are: just folk. And at last estimate I believe we were nearing the what? 3 billion folk on the planet count? Maybe somebody can verify that number. I'm a lot of things but ain't any of them a statiscian. ((( Keds ))) I'll be thinking of you today. :loveyou: Much peace your way! :flower:

(((Keds)))I guess I have to say sometimes I have to keep explaining it to myself. I am still ambivelent so how can I not expect others to be as well. It has been 23 years some days I know I did what was right. Other times I can't explain it to myself__Why wasn't I stronger? Why didn't I ask more questions?What was I thinking? At other times I know what I did was best for my DD and for myself. AHHH!!

Hi Kate, I will follow Brock and chime in from the eyes of an adoptee. Sure my adoption has played a role in who I am today. But that is no more, or no less, than other life experiences. Honestly, my parents played the biggest role, in who I am today. They provided unconditional love and gave me the security a child needs to flourish. I don't agree that my naturals mother's decision to surrender me has more to do with who I am today, than my mom and dad's parenting. I have met people who did not have the unconditional love from their bio mom and dad and they struggle with who they are and a host of other issues that can be attributed to the lack of love on the part of the parents. These are bio children and the ramifications of their childhood are huge. So, I want you to know that you and other bio moms are not responsible for the lives of the children you surrendered. Honestly, first the person is and second, their parents are Kim

Hi Kate. I'm not sure what to say, but I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you and listening. Amen and ditto to what Brock said. You have always been so supportive and kind to me. If there is anything I can do for you, just say the word. Maybe we keep apologizing because it's easier to hang on to the guilt and pain, a familiar feeling, than it is to accept responsibility for the things we've done, do what we can to make amends, accept things for what they really are, accept ourselves and others for who we are; imperfect people, who all make mistakes, forgive ourselves and others, and let the past go, not forget it, just let it go and move on? Maybe sometimes we do it out of fear that we wont be forgiven by the other person, or we for whatever reason can't accept that we deserve their forgiveness? We don't think we deserve happiness and peace of mind, so we hang on to the pain, guilt, and anger, because we have become comfortable with it? It is familiar and, maybe, we are afraid to let go of the familiar and face the unknown; the what ifs? Why do we do this stuff to ourselves? When you look at the big picture of life, I dunno, it sort of seems a little silly to torture ourselves like that. Such a waste of time, but oh so very hard to overcome.

Hey Shadow...great post. Maybe we do hang on to the pain, because we fear what will happen if we face our truths? Staying in the fear, pain and shame with all those coping mechanisms kicking in may be comfortable to some. Change terrifies people. Again, great post Shadow Kim

Hey Keds! ((( Keds ))) Just checking back to see if you're okay. Hugs to ya,

Thank you for responding - I only get a few minutes to "sneak" away from reality and use my laptop. I've got a "match" and will do the procedure in the next 2 weeks. A friend of mine here at the centre went through the process a few months back and is doing well so I'm taking the positive route - so I'll be fine, stay positive. My sister went through the same thing 10 years ago and is doing okay - not running marathons but able to watch her family grow. The thing about all of this is - doctors are not always right, sorry to scare all of you with the "terminal" term - I was freaked out and posted too quickly. My advice to all of you is, get a second, third and fourth opinion. I am realistic to realize that the mind can only do "so much" but, at the same time, never lie down and give up. This may only buy a few weeks/months/years but that is more than if I gave up and accepted it - I suppose after seeing my sister go through it I was a bit of a chicken. Take care all of you and I'll try and stay in touch. The next 6 weeks will be hard.

Kate, you are someone who is very special to me! You're in my thoughts and prayers, please keep us informed when you can. It's ok to freak out here! Don't forget that!! ((((kate))))

(((Kate))),Thank you for updating us on your health situation. It sounds like you're having a bone marrow transplant, or am I assuming the wrong procedure? Boy, progress in the medical community has been advancing at such great speed these past 20 years or so, especially in the oncology area. I remember when bone marrow transplants were first being done on an experimental basis at Loma Linda Medical Center -- we've come such a very long way since then! That goes for any organ transplant nowadays...just phenomenol.We all care for you and love you to pieces. Don't hesitate one iota if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen to you while you vent. You're in my thoughts and prayers, kiddo. :loveyou:

Hey Kate! Hugs to ya! ((( Kate ))) I was so relieved to hear from you! :grouphug: It's totally understandable to freak out. Who wouldn't, right? I will be thinking of you and "staying positive" for you!! :flower: I agree with you on the 2nd,3rd, 4th opinion thing. You hang in there kiddo and "sneak away" when you can! We'll be here rooting for you! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Love ya lots! :love:

Kate, just wanted to chime in to say I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope you will be on the road to recovery very soon. It must be quite tough to deal with physical illness and at the same time deal with the complexities of reunion and all the feelings and emotions that go along with it. Just know that we are here, and if nothing else, at least we can listen. :grouphug: